How do you overcome the guilt?

I am so glad of your good support.
Your Mom is very ill indeed and sepsis, when it is resistant to our current best antibiotics, can be a killer. That there are problems in the abdominal cavity makes it all the worse. I know that you know by the very length of hospitalization that this is serious business, and if you mom does survive she will likely require placement, certain a stint in SNF for skilled nursing or rehab, possibly longer, possibly permanently.

As to guilt, it is entirely inappropriate. Guilt infers that you are responsible for CAUSING this. You aren't. And you can't fix it. You can't.
It is a kind of hubris to think ourselves so god -like that we can cause or cure the dreadful things happening to our parents. We aren't god. We aren't faries with magic wands. We aren't Saints. We are human beings with limitations despite all our love.

I would change out your g-words because the words that we repeat in our own head have great power over us, become circular and habitual. The correct g-word now if grief. Both for yourself and for your mother. That is the only appropriate word, but you can add it to anxiety, uncertainty, fear of the unknown, because all of those are on your plate.

Try to slow down and try to take this a day at a time and now, while your Mom is in care getting taken care of, try to take some time for yourself and your family. They truly are your prime imperative. You will still have lots of love left for your poor mom.

Now, while this crisis is still so very critical is a time to stay mindful of today. Keep in contact with the doctors. Hope that there can be healing.

I am so very sorry. This is very tough.

Welcome, Trying.

I think you have every right to feel sad, frustrated, distracted and torn in two.

But Guilt? Nope.

You didn't cause mom's medical issues. Not within your power to cure them.

In terms of priorities, those little people of yours need to come first. Make sure you aren't neglecting their emotional needs. I had a series of very ill grandparents during my childhood. I was ignored because I was a "good kid". Many years of therapy later, I'm still dealing with the angst and sadness of having parents who weren't there mentally or emotionally because they were so busy tending sick elders.

Can mom budget for a Geriatric care manager? It sounds like she could benefit from have someone with some medical expertise managing her care.

You might consider talking to the discharge planning department. It doesn't sound like it's safe for mom to be home alone now. Find out if rehab is being recommended and start looking at facilities.

I feel guilty even though I had a bad mother my entire life. I have to put myself and my husband first. Not my sick mother. I don't know how to get over the guilts. I just keep coming here to read supporting words. I am a good person, but I can't sacrafice my husband and children for the constant care and needs of my mother.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. I was too. My children were young when I started taking care of my parents. It’s very difficult to do everything all at once. In fact, it’s impossible.

Just do the best that you can. Please don’t feel guilty about wanting to be with your children and husband. None of this is your fault. You didn’t cause your mom’s health issues and your children need their mother.

Find a way to fill in the gaps, whether that means hiring someone to help with your mom when she is out of the hospital or placing her in a facility.

It can be excruciating to watch our parents decline. Of course, you will be sad seeing them suffer.

Wishing you and your family all the best and welcome to the forum.

Thank you for all the kind supportive messages.
Mom is still in the hospital and it seems every day is something new. Some days she seems to be on the right road and then the next we are back 2 steps. Now she is not eating well (barely at all) and they are having a hard time finding good IV placements as her veins are not great to begin with. Her counts go up and down and right when they think they have the infection managed it rages back. I try every day to prepare myself and stay strong but this is a roller coaster ride I don't really want to be on any longer.

This is a horrendous situation. But you have risen to the occasion. You haven’t let her down one bit. She is a very sick woman and you should prepare yourself that she might not survive this.

If she gets better and is discharged, the best thing for your children is for her to be placed in a NH so that you can be a functioning parent to them. Her needs will be too great for you to manage on your own. Work with the hospital SW to make that happen.

You are falling apart, maybe an antidepressant would help you get through this.

I’ve learned not to feel guilty when making eldercare decisions. You do what you think is best and do not second guess or eat yourself up about it. Learn to handle your response to the situation, try not to get too emotional.

I wish you peace.

Your name says it all.
You are trying your best .
No guilt is warranted .

You did not cause your mother’s problems . Even your mother has said she does not want to be a burden .
Your mother sounds like a caring person , like you. She would want you to take care of yourself and your children and family.
You already have other great advice on this thread of how to set up care that your mother will need . You will not be able to care for Mom on your own . It is heartbreaking. You are experiencing grief . But please don’t feel guilty . Easier said than done , I know .

I regret putting my family on the back burner too often while caring for my mother. Your children will grow and leave the nest before you know it .

Since this situation with your mom is ongoing, you might want to step back a little bit and refocus more of your attention on your children.

Does your mom have her paperwork in order? Will, living will, POAs, etc.? If she beats sepsis, she will probably have some recovery time. I would talk to the hospital ASAP about what you expect if mom starts improving. I strongly suggest rehab. Don't just let them send her home. She lives alone and you have two minor children that need you.

Make sure you take care of yourself too.

Best of luck.

“Guilt infers that you are responsible for CAUSING this.”

This is not true.
One can absolutely be guilty through omission, not just through action. Even the law says so. Example: One isn’t the cause of an elderly person’s Parkinson’s. But sometimes, if one fails to help the elderly person in an emergency (even if one is not the cause), one can still absolutely be held criminally guilty by omission (failure to act).

In order words:
You don’t need to be the cause of something, to feel guilty. Omissions indeed can be just as detrimental to a person in need, as actions. You can absolutely feel guilty for not doing enough, and sometimes the law agrees: you did not do enough.

Regarding specifically OP:
You’re trying your best. I hope things will get better for you. You have a lot on your plate. Make sure to do good things for you. Don’t neglect you, while helping everyone else. You’re valuable and you deserve a full life.

Give yourself a hug today. Or your husband if he is a hugable rock.

My Husband is also a rock. He said once if I was cloned I could go to work, a clone could look after the children, another clone go assist my folks.. there may have been one for him too.. Actually I thought the real me could go take a walk somewhere nice & relax.

I imagine you need to be about 5 people at the moment too. You have a lot on - but no-one can be everywhere all at once.

What worked for me was finding trustable childminders to collect the kids sometimes, part-time work hours, phoning the nurses station if I couldn’t visit in person to get a quick update or pass on a message.

I also used blocks of time. I still do. To avoid overfilling my day, stressing out rushing everywhere, winding up & up. Time to unwind can be blocked in the calender too.

Sending thoughts of calm & strength to you.

You are doing a great job taking care of your mother and should not feel guilty, worried, stressed, or bad. You are doing your best and it sounds like you are doing a fine job. I have a similar situation that I moved back nearer home and we set up 12/7 care which was very difficult particularly during covid. The situation progressed to the point where we had to put our mother in a dementia care home. I still feel guilty sometimes but my rational side tells me that we did the right thing, she is in the best place, and is getting good care.

Be good to yourself. You are taking care of a loved one but you also need to take care of yourself. Try to get a carer that can come in during the week to give you time off - we started with that. Maybe the local health department can help with finding a person and paying for the care (we got help from the local health dept nurse).

Anyway, many of us know your problems and we can assure you that you should not feel guilty. Quite the opposite, you are doing a great job.

Don't feel guilty. You are only human and doing a tremendous job of taking care of your family/household and your mom. This forum is a wonderful place to vent and get advice from others in a similar situation. Take care of yourself. Get help if available. (((Hugs to you.)))

Thank you all! I realize alot are in the same situation and I can't tell you how helpful that is (knowing you aren't alone in this)!

I forgot to mention that after the bowel resection surgery we found a lovely assisted living that is great for mom...relieved so much of the pressure and dread of finding her on the floor or putting her to bed plus she had people and activities to do. She was thriving! Then this damn infection hit. Yesterday she had surgery and I was terrified we might lose her, but she is a tough old broad (her words) and pulled through. I'm cautiously optimistic that she can get out of the hospital...go to rehab, and hopefully back to assisted living. But we live day to day here so who knows?! We will just have to roll with it.

As the facilitator in a dementia/Alzheimer's support group I attended said, "You didn't cause it, you cannot cure this, and you cannot change this." If you are at all religious, please talk to your priest/minister/rabbi/imam, or other member of the clergy.

You are not a machine, only human and doing the best you can. No guilt because you can’t do more then the best that you can. You are a good daughter.

Sounds like you know what to do. You needed to vent and you did. Good for you. Little things like that are a great help. I feel guilty too and I am not even there with them (both my parents are in a nursing across the country from me). Recognize that you care, you are reaching out because you care and you feel bad. It's not that you wouldn't fix her if you could. You are doing the best you can and from the sound of it you are doing an excellent job! Talk to your husband, talk to your friends, and take that walk when you can. I feel that same way and I know I am not a bad person. I am a person struggling with something that is really hard and very sad. I'm not ignoring the problem, I'm facing it. Some things you can't fix you just have to do what you can to the best of your ability. Then you have to let things go. I'm still struggling with the letting go part, perhaps I always will but reaching out and talking helps.
Good luck and if it helps at all, I think you are doing a great job. You love her and clearly she knows that. That is the key.

Keep telling yourself no, I will not feel guilty. Over and over. You are exhausted and giving your all to everyone. Stop. Stop going everyday. If she needs you the hospital will call. The staff will take care of her. Speak to her on the phone. Take care of yourself and your family at home first.

Hello. As others have said, venting is very helpful, and we’re here to listen and empathize. Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimer’s. You can’t clone yourself; you can’t be in 2 places at once. I often felt I was stretched too thin. (Well, my hips would disagree.) Some Areas on Aging might have volunteers who could keep your mom company for a few hours here or there. (We had this for my dad, when he had COPD. My mom could go out for an hour or so, and my dad had company.) Maybe a house of worship or a local college could also have a volunteer to spell you for a while. We hired someone to sit with my mom at night when she was in the hospital for cancer surgery, so I could be on the home front. I, like you, also tried to go for a walk every day, and instead of reading a book, I wrote one, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s Tale.” I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I found writing itself could be helpful, whether or not it turned into a book. As others have said, we’re only human, and it’s hard to keep all the plates spinning in the air at once. Hope your mom gets better soon.

I have no answer at all for this...I'm hoping others will! I don't have kids and have 93-year-old husband with dementia; he's in AL and safe...still loving although his memory is just disappearing by the week. But I feel guilty all the time; taking care of him has had such disastrous effects on my health that I, who was a healthy 73-year-old about 9 months ago, am now nearly crippled with what my PCP calls "stress arthritis" and also the worst depression imaginable. I want to be with my husband while he still remembers me and we can do small things together, but I feel much too ill for about 5 days out of 7 to drive to him. He is lonely and sad, although the AL place is very kind and the other residents are wonderful to him, but since at this point he doesn't remember new people that he's met, although he's still quite charming and funny, he yearns for me to come. My guilt is just crushing. I cry for a couple of hours a day...I never used to cry at ALL (except when a cat died). Please, please...other friends in this forum...tell Trying and me (Betskand) how to live through this. I am starting with a therapist specializing in grief, loss and stress on Wednesday. If I suddenly start getting better I will share with all of you...but right now I'm a guilty, crippled wreck.

Look up guilt in the dictionary and there you should find the definition of caregiver.

Why do we as caregivers - the ones who are stretching ourselves to take on the care for another person - feel guilty? Why do we heap such unrealistic expectations on ourselves? We are frail and imperfect humans who are doing our best.

My children were 11 and 13 when I had to begin caring for my mother - they are now 28 and 30 and I'm still at it.

Over the years I have sacrificed so many things in order to care for my mother and yet I feel guilty and am terrified of regret when this season is over.

It shouldn't be that way.

God bless you as you are a blessing to your mother and, your children and, your husband. Your feelings are quite normal, uncomfortable, challenging, even painful at times, but, normal; you are living each day ( and night) as a " primary caregiver" for your mother ( no small journey) as well as a mother and wife; your exhaustion and " grief" are inevitable. The 'present grief' of your mother's decline combined with the 'past grief' ( you have described multiple rollercoaster experiences with her illnesses and your father's sudden death) and, the ' anticipatory grief' of the unknown and what's next, all bring much physical, emotional, spiritual exhaustion, feelings of inadequacy, fear, questions about ( could, would, should). Continue being kind to yourself; keep your ' self care' a priority as you will be strengthend for the many roles you have before you. Also you may find it helpful to access some form of grief support for yourself; perhaps with a qualified faith leader of your choice, a chaplain ( perhaps at the hospital), or with a qualified social worker or other counselor; having a regular perhaps 1x week 30-60 min. grief support is often helpful .
Be assured that you are doing everything possible and, have every right to express your human feelings of exhaustion and grief ( which includes anger, uncertainty, regrets, questions etc etc).
Peace be with you.

I know it is hard to overcome the feelings of guilt. It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job with your mother and I agree with everyone saying you have no reason to feel guilty. I also know that is easier said than done. I have some amazing friends who have been there too and talking with them helps a lot. I also have a psychiatrist who has been wonderful. I am on antidepressants with occasional anti anxiety meds for the really stressful times. The guilt feelings still creep in though I’m doing better at managing them now.
Your mother is much sicker than mine and I think Alva deer did a good job in her explanation of how serious it can be, as well as having excellent advice. It sounds like you have found a great facility for your mother but not even the best can stop the downward slope of aging. It is easy to say it is not your fault and quite the opposite, you are doing an amazing job, but our hearts don’t always listen to reason. Even when we accept that we can’t do any more than we are doing the guilt creeps in.
All I can say is that you are not alone. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself as well as your family. I am also sending you a big hug!

My mantra: we do the best we can with what we have and what we know. One day at a time. And that’s all you can ask of yourself. Simplistic, I know. You’re doing all you can and being a caring, loving daughter. The support from your husband and family is a priceless gift that some don’t have. Sending hugs.

My heart goes out to you, as I am sure hundreds of others on this site feel the same way... giving you a hug and support.

To say its a difficult situation to be in is an understatement.
We are tasked with our caring heart, pulled in several directions, and then there is the EXHAUSTION. (And you have a family with young kids that need you.)

I was in a similar situation for two years (me, being in my 70s).
This is what I would recommend you do:
1) Feel thoroughly and deeply whatever you feel. Do not stuff feelings in.
It hurts and it doesn't feel good. Still. It seems to be the 'way' to be able to make appropriate decisions ... when there doesn't seem to be any 'appropriate' decision.
2) Your young kids need you - a caring mom there for them. I do believe that your mom WOULD WANT YOU TO DO THIS. Be there for them. Thinking this way may relieve the guilt that creeps in (or it there all the time like the itch from a mosquito bite).

I had MANY MANY moments of such exhaustion that I didn't want to go to the nursing home to visit my beloved friend-companion of 20+ years. I was his 'everything' legally and otherwise. Yes, I felt guilty "I don't want to go" I'd tell myself. And, then most days I would pick up and go and tell him how much I cared ... being with him. And, yes, he'd say to me: "I'm burning you out."

I'd also say ... when you are with your kids (now, being pulled in two directions) consider:
1) doing mindful, relaxing activities with your kids - for you to relax and renew. Perhaps take them swimming or to a yoga class. Something you, too, could benefit from.
2) make your moments - seconds with your kids COUNT. Be there 100 percent even if for a few minutes or a few hours. The quality of the connection means everything vs how long the connection.

Take care of yourself:
1) Get enough sleep. 2) Meditate (if you can). 3) Exercise (with your kids !) and 4) eat well ... make good meals ... with your kids (salads... perhaps oatmeal / healthier desserts).

Know you are not alone, even though that may not help you feel better. Although I find some truth to the words "misery loves company" although these aren't the right words ... the sense of feeling connected to others is the right human need - feeling connected.

Sending you love ... knowing your mom wants the best for you and her grandkids.

Gena / Touch Matters

P.S. addendum to my previous reply..
Regarding " guilt"
" guilt" refers to intentional wrong doing

whereas " regret" refers to wishing things were different or could have been different...

Ask yourself if you are not actually feeling more" regret" .... Not " guilt" ask you if you have " done something wrong". Probably not....
" Guilt" carries with it words like " punishment ", "repentance" ....

Do you really think you are " guilty" or simply " regretting" that things are the way they are?

Tryingmybest19: Perhaps you've heard of the old adage, 'put your oxygen mask on first before putting someone else's on.' The moral of the story is that you must help yourself first, else you'll be good to no one.

Don’t feel guilty about your parenting. In my opinion, you are setting the best example and being a perfect parent for your kids. You are doing your best to take care of and advocate for your own mom. With that comes some hard times … instead of abandoning your parents (an easy choice for many), you bravely went right into the eye of the hurricane.

You have been stuck in this hurricane since losing your dad. In the beginning your mom may not have had the health challenges, but you were certainly working triage through her grieving. Others might not feel the pain you have suffered and endured through the life adaptations (of helping your mom).

People that don’t understand your sacrifices do not share this kind of love for their parents and so they will never understand. They are living in a different parallel (but not bad) world. You may be criticized because they just don’t have the context and never will

Expect to feel weary and discouraged. Treat yourself with grace and kindness. You have been running on such a fast hamster wheel that you have not had time to fully grieve the profound loss of your father. Help yourself heal.

Allow yourself grace-and a break or just a few hours off when you can. Hire help or share responsibilities with friends. Do whatever brings you joy: go to the gym, take a spa day, participate in a hobby, laugh at a funny movie— take time out on a friend’s weekend —spoil yourself if possible. Do not feel guilty for taking a break or feeling happy.

Take breaks also to listen to your kids and help solve their problems. Laugh with them. Go to an amusement park, the pool, or wherever they feel happiest. Lose yourself (and your problems) in their childhood when you can. Their childhood is fleeting and you need to reinforce these relationships before they become teenagers.

You are doing your best. That is noble. After three years, anyone would feel exhaustion.

You are a hero to your parents and children. Recognize that and you will be a hero for yourself.

I went to community acupuncture for support but also to calm Me down . I would Meditate there . It helped clear my Head and I felt calmer . I also Bike to the beach and swim several Laps . Learn to Meditate and do good things for yourself . Currently I am Doing Meditations with Quiksilver on Instagram with Thomas Victor Carrol and that's at 4:50 pm . He teaches also On Wednesdays and Fridays at 4:50 pm Under @Thomas Victor Carroll - its free and I feel so Much better after I Meditate - He was a world champion surfer. If you can release the Worry and replace that with calm you will have Much Better energy and Make better decisions . Many Caregivers get PTSD , Panic attacks , exhaustion , stress , insomnia - Try and give yourself Gifts instead of worry and stress . Death Is Inevitable and after a Loved One Passes it takes at 2 years for the Caregiver to Heal and their energy to come back .

This may sound too "touch-feely" but what I've learned (through lots of therapy and pain) is that guilt cannot be overcome. I just created this image of guilt being a little girl. Now when I have to do something terribly hard, I just take her by the hand and we walk together. It helps me do what I have to do!

Always put your own oxygen mask on first.