Hi,
New to posting here, but have read lots of posts over the last 2 years. Short backstory... my dad passed away 3 years ago quite suddenly from a massive stroke. It shook my family as we were not expecting it. My mom wanted to move closer to me and my family so she sold her house in FL and moved back to NJ. All was going fairly well. She found a house close to us (3 blocks) and settled in. Last July she had a gallbladder attack leading to surgery and from then on we have been in and out of the hospital with different problems. Four times now. I feel like I have saved my mom's life by getting her to the hospital. First Gallbladder, then a PE, perforated bowel which let to a colostomy, and now sepsis from an abscess in the abdominal cavity. She is currently in the hospital (has been for 2 weeks) battling the sepsis and surgery for the infection. I have been running back and forth between the hospital and home while taking care of my family (my kids are 10 and 8) and being an advocate for my mom.
At this point she is a shell of my mom. I am trying my best to be the best daughter to her and the best wife/mother at home but I am exhausted physically and mentally/emotionally. How do you get over the guilt of feeling that you are letting someone down? I need to be with my mom because well she is declining but I feel guilty for not spending this time with my kids and when I do I am distracted with thoughts and worries about my mom. I know my mom would (and has on better days) told me not to worry about her she doesn't want to be a "burden" but I am stressed all the same. I am trying to take some time for myself, a walk every day or reading a book, but still the stress is heavy. Honestly I know there isn't much of a question here. My husband has been a rock and my friends are sweet and supportive but I just needed to release it to people who know what I am talking about.
Your Mom is very ill indeed and sepsis, when it is resistant to our current best antibiotics, can be a killer. That there are problems in the abdominal cavity makes it all the worse. I know that you know by the very length of hospitalization that this is serious business, and if you mom does survive she will likely require placement, certain a stint in SNF for skilled nursing or rehab, possibly longer, possibly permanently.
As to guilt, it is entirely inappropriate. Guilt infers that you are responsible for CAUSING this. You aren't. And you can't fix it. You can't.
It is a kind of hubris to think ourselves so god -like that we can cause or cure the dreadful things happening to our parents. We aren't god. We aren't faries with magic wands. We aren't Saints. We are human beings with limitations despite all our love.
I would change out your g-words because the words that we repeat in our own head have great power over us, become circular and habitual. The correct g-word now if grief. Both for yourself and for your mother. That is the only appropriate word, but you can add it to anxiety, uncertainty, fear of the unknown, because all of those are on your plate.
Try to slow down and try to take this a day at a time and now, while your Mom is in care getting taken care of, try to take some time for yourself and your family. They truly are your prime imperative. You will still have lots of love left for your poor mom.
Now, while this crisis is still so very critical is a time to stay mindful of today. Keep in contact with the doctors. Hope that there can be healing.
I am so very sorry. This is very tough.
It is a kind of hubris to think ourselves so god -like that we can cause or cure the dreadful things happening to our parents. We aren't god. We aren't faries with magic wands. We aren't Saints. We are human beings with limitations despite all our love."
This is so true. I feel like some family members feel as though certain family members can wave a magic wand and make everything better. We can only do so much. This was the best. Thank you.
If she gets better and is discharged, the best thing for your children is for her to be placed in a NH so that you can be a functioning parent to them. Her needs will be too great for you to manage on your own. Work with the hospital SW to make that happen.
You are falling apart, maybe an antidepressant would help you get through this.
I’ve learned not to feel guilty when making eldercare decisions. You do what you think is best and do not second guess or eat yourself up about it. Learn to handle your response to the situation, try not to get too emotional.
I wish you peace.
I think you have every right to feel sad, frustrated, distracted and torn in two.
But Guilt? Nope.
You didn't cause mom's medical issues. Not within your power to cure them.
In terms of priorities, those little people of yours need to come first. Make sure you aren't neglecting their emotional needs. I had a series of very ill grandparents during my childhood. I was ignored because I was a "good kid". Many years of therapy later, I'm still dealing with the angst and sadness of having parents who weren't there mentally or emotionally because they were so busy tending sick elders.
Can mom budget for a Geriatric care manager? It sounds like she could benefit from have someone with some medical expertise managing her care.
You might consider talking to the discharge planning department. It doesn't sound like it's safe for mom to be home alone now. Find out if rehab is being recommended and start looking at facilities.
Why do we as caregivers - the ones who are stretching ourselves to take on the care for another person - feel guilty? Why do we heap such unrealistic expectations on ourselves? We are frail and imperfect humans who are doing our best.
My children were 11 and 13 when I had to begin caring for my mother - they are now 28 and 30 and I'm still at it.
Over the years I have sacrificed so many things in order to care for my mother and yet I feel guilty and am terrified of regret when this season is over.
It shouldn't be that way.
Your mother is much sicker than mine and I think Alva deer did a good job in her explanation of how serious it can be, as well as having excellent advice. It sounds like you have found a great facility for your mother but not even the best can stop the downward slope of aging. It is easy to say it is not your fault and quite the opposite, you are doing an amazing job, but our hearts don’t always listen to reason. Even when we accept that we can’t do any more than we are doing the guilt creeps in.
All I can say is that you are not alone. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself as well as your family. I am also sending you a big hug!
Regarding " guilt"
" guilt" refers to intentional wrong doing
whereas " regret" refers to wishing things were different or could have been different...
Ask yourself if you are not actually feeling more" regret" .... Not " guilt" ask you if you have " done something wrong". Probably not....
" Guilt" carries with it words like " punishment ", "repentance" ....
Do you really think you are " guilty" or simply " regretting" that things are the way they are?
You have been stuck in this hurricane since losing your dad. In the beginning your mom may not have had the health challenges, but you were certainly working triage through her grieving. Others might not feel the pain you have suffered and endured through the life adaptations (of helping your mom).
People that don’t understand your sacrifices do not share this kind of love for their parents and so they will never understand. They are living in a different parallel (but not bad) world. You may be criticized because they just don’t have the context and never will
Expect to feel weary and discouraged. Treat yourself with grace and kindness. You have been running on such a fast hamster wheel that you have not had time to fully grieve the profound loss of your father. Help yourself heal.
Allow yourself grace-and a break or just a few hours off when you can. Hire help or share responsibilities with friends. Do whatever brings you joy: go to the gym, take a spa day, participate in a hobby, laugh at a funny movie— take time out on a friend’s weekend —spoil yourself if possible. Do not feel guilty for taking a break or feeling happy.
Take breaks also to listen to your kids and help solve their problems. Laugh with them. Go to an amusement park, the pool, or wherever they feel happiest. Lose yourself (and your problems) in their childhood when you can. Their childhood is fleeting and you need to reinforce these relationships before they become teenagers.
You are doing your best. That is noble. After three years, anyone would feel exhaustion.
You are a hero to your parents and children. Recognize that and you will be a hero for yourself.
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