I used to have a great relationship with my mom but now its strained, and a challenge. I find myself snapping at her then feeling horrible about it later. She needs my help but really what she wants is me to cater to her and I resent her for it.
Mom mother has always been a very angry and confrontational person even when my brother and I were growing up. Both her and my father were abusive parents and my father was a "mean drunk" doing things to both my brother and me to torture, belittle, and sometimes emotionally and physically abuse us. My father died in '84 and my brother was killed in a car wreak in '88. Needless to say, the responsibility of taking care of my mom has been on me. In the early 2000's I asked my mother to move in with me after my divorce but that was one of the biggest mistakes of my like. Because of her disgruntle personality, we fought and argued all the time, not to mention she has alienated the rest of her relatives with her angry personality. I used my entire savings to put her up in her own apartments where she constantly complained about each location. She would get in verbal disagreements with other tenants and with the property managers. Fast forward to the last few months. For about ten years, she has walked with a cane and walker but one morning she could not get our of bed. At that time she was living over 2 hours away so I went down to get her and brought her back to my house. After a couple weeks, she collapse and was put in the hospital where a past severe back injury was now serious. Then while in the hospital, she had 3 mini strokes, 5 blood transfusions, and colon surgery. She was in the hospital and rehab back and forth for over 3 months. The doctors told me that they could not do anything for her, she only has a few months to live, and then "dumped" her in my lap because there was no place to send her. I have applied for Medicaid, but it is taking forever for it to go through. She is now living with me and my boyfriend in his house under hospice. I have had to take off work, work part time, and now working from home and we are back at it arguing and calling each other horrible names. I am now resentful that the medical system put me in this horrible predicament and she is resentful that she has to live with me and my boyfriend in our dining room as a make shift bedroom. I'm done!! I am desperately looking for an apartment for her because I am tired of the abuse. I know that I have to visit her at least twice a day but if she keeps getting better, then hospice is going to stop and I will not have other people going over to help me with her care and if I have to get a service like Visiting Angels to stop by that is going to cost a bundle. I don't know what to do. I had come to terms with her passing since she has had so many health issues and she wants to go. However, it seems that like my grandmother used to say about my mean ole great grandmother, "God doesn't have a place for her, and the devil doesn't want any competition" seems to apply to my mom. She is like the Energizer Bunny, she keeps going. I want to know if I am wrong for wanting to put my mom in her own place and will I get in trouble legally? I will be checking on her and get her any assistance she needs but I can not do this anymore and my health weak as it is, is falling also. Thank you
Now that mom is probably getting close to the end of her hospice journey, people are telling me to make sure I tell her I love her, and say all the things that "need to be said.." Well since we called the emergency # Monday night because she was unresponsive, I saw her once time that she was actually conscious.
First she brought up the "list" of trivial things I didn't pick up at the store for her yet, a list she gave me the night before the medical emergency. Then I gave her a very small meal, which the aid and I first offered to reheat, and then remove several times, but she refused.
After almost 4 hours she's like, "this is cold, this is dry, this is hard!" I said I know - it needs to be thrown away, its been sitting out for 4 hours! Later I gave a special thank you to the aid, who sat vigil with mom throughout the nights we waited for hospice to come. And she seemed angry, like "why are you thanking HER?"
I spent the whole day leading up to that visit fighting back tears because I felt the end was near. Then after a few hours with her I'm angry again. The woman is SO difficult!
I agree with compartmentalizing the emotional side of things if you can.
I became a full time caregiver to my parents (mom 72 & dad 81) in June 2020 and at first I had a LOT of moments where I hated being put in that position. My mom's had 4 major surgeries, and a recent brain bleed causing her to have seizures. My dad has Parkinsons' Disease and dementia. Although his PD was diagnosed 20+ yrs ago, his only symptom was a slight hand tremor that only severely ramped up when we moved in April of 2020 from Maryland to Wisconsin (literally the same week most of the US shut down for Covid.)
My resentment, however, was (and still is) directed at my brother and his wife whom we moved in with so that I'd have help with our parents and I could have a life outside of work and mom and dad. Fyi: 5 adults in 1 house is NOT recommended, especially when 1 of them is a narcissist. Sadly, my brother & SIL have done absolutely nothing to help my parents (or me) except use my parent's retirement income for all of the shared expenses so that my brother & SIL can live rent-free and go galavanting around without a care in the world. So now, not only do I care for my parents 24/7, but my brother & SIL routinely use me as a free dog sitter, errand runner, and even a driver, without ever asking. They feel since I don't work a traditional job that I'm at THEIR disposal 24/7 too.
Well, I decided to take a Certified Nursing Assistant course simply to be better able to care for my parents, since clearly that was going to be my role whether I wanted it or not. Turns out, school gave me the ability to put aside the fact that I'm cleaning my DAD's privates; inspecting my MOM to determine that there's a prolapsed organ hanging out of her; tending to a head wound; making them do their post-surgery or PD exercises; or just making sure they eat healthy meals. Instead, I "put on the gloves" and I'm a professional dealing with a client. Then the "gloves come off" and we're family again. It really has made life easier for my parents and I.
And...after not having any real clear career path for most of my life, I've decided that becoming a Registered Nurse is what I'm meant to do. Hmm...I guess I'm going to have to thank my useless brother and his wife because I wouldn't be becoming an RN if they hadn't forced my hand at home. Nah, if they ask I'll deny it! LOL
My life and husbands was surprised by the sudden decline of my mom March 2020. We moved in to assess the situation and quickly found that she was okay and not okay. She could not live alone according to the doctor. She was aware that she was loosing it. And it broke her heart to say to me that rolling yarn was the only thing she could do. My husband and I thought this was our life now and it was depressing because it would get worse. We are praying Christ believers and knew that this was not a surprise to the Lord. I memorized most of James 1 to have the patience and love I needed to get my heart in the right place. BUT, I was frequently shocked at my reactions of frustration with mom. She didn’t want to shower, eat properly-was dieting, fearful late afternoon, and sleeping a lot! I apologized a lot and prayed with mom a lot. THEN, we needed to go to my MIL for her 90th birthday. We were taking mom. 2 hours away at a friends house, she said “leave me here”. We looked at respite and she loved the place so much she wanted to buy her apartment. Even in AL I realized that staffing was insufficient and mom could refuse and they would walk away (but still keep the money for those services). Advice here: Do not pay for additional services, just get the minimum (medication management and a room, meals). AND get a private caregiver to some in for showers, laundry, lotions, hair, and companionship. This changed my mom’s life. It was 3 days 4 hours a day. Then it was so good for her that when the caregiver was available for 5 days/4 hours (I chose 1-5 p.m.) because mom would get 2 meals supervised and encouraged and she sleeps in most of the time. Also, sundowners while mild, was better with a caregiver there. I found another lady to work Friday/Saturday 1-5 an mom has 7 days of private care and these ladies love her. I have a camera and they know it and I can see mom’s reaction to their care. When she moved to MC, the caregivers went with her. AGAIN, necessary because of the short staff and lack of one/one that mom really needs. Camera’s in place helps me attend to her better. I have a Alexa in place so if I see her up and rocking back and forth, I can drop in and talk to her. It usually ends up with her laying down and I pray for her before she sleeps/naps. She has vascular dementia not ALZ and is aware but has extremely short term memory. I still pray with mom and because I can be her daughter and advocate it is not awful but it is still heart rending to see her decline. However, she is not aware of her old life in a way that gives her pain. Bottom line: much prayer and seeking God’s peace. I am grateful that my mom and I believe in the Bible and that this world is not our home. He has given us provisions to care for her and amazingly godly caregivers who read to her daily Bible studies. It started with respite; God knew, provided and we responded.
She probably wants your attention because she doesn’t have much else going for her. Find a way to get breaks and temporary relief. Make your own respite depending on what you can do and what you need to recharge. Find some “me” time and don’t let anyone take it away from you. Give her the attention you can - not what you can’t - and remind her you are not a personal servant (unless she has dementia- in which case telling her that won’t help). Go outside and get some air and scream if you need to😉
Your advice is ridiculous. When people like Tandum4us and me are forced by the crap hole medical system (yet we can find millions of dollars to send to Ukraine and take care of illegals) to abruptly change our lives to accommodate for our parents that need to be taken care of full time in a good facility, yes, we are resentful and angry. People tell us to plan time for yourself which is not an option cause we feel "chained" to person who we are caring for. I have also had people tell me have patience and say comforting words but it is really hard when your own parent calls you "ugly b**ch" and "go to (hades)" all the time. It wears on one's self esteem and yes, even though those words are from a dementia thinking person it still hurts.
I needed a break from my mom. Our mom is 92. My sister took her in for 4 months. In another state, 10 hours away During that time, she put mom on a strict diet. Mom lost 20 pounds and mentally was a shadow of the person that left. The sister had her sit on a camp chair, in the kitchen, cause she was worried mom was going to pee on her furniture and carpet . She didn't help mom bath. Mom got terrible sores under her breasts from it not being washed or dried. She did in fact clip her toe nails. The big toes were so short they got infected on the sides. Mom fell and broke her pelvis. While at the hospital the blood work showed her electrolytes were all messed up. (Think restrictive diet). According the sister everything was fine. Mom needed to lose weight so she put her on a strict diet( at 92). Cause she couldn't lift her. She couldn't lift her if she weighed over 30.punds so..... Not consulting with her doctor. Never said anything about mom, cept everything is fine. Why would we have thought anything different? Thank goodness my other sister intervened before it was too late. Got mom back on food again. We had no idea that mom was being treated this way. The sister that intervened isn't able to care for mom as she is disabled. All that too say, I know I AM the best caretaker for her. There are local assisted living homes that will take her for respite care. But never again will I trust family. Mom doesn't deserve just being taken care of, she deserves to be loved. And to feel loved. She gets that here. If you can't do it you can't. I let go of the dream that they would help. They aren't capable. They aren't capable of taking care of a pet let alone a person. However, when I think of the hell my momma went through, it hurts me deeply. It took mom about a month to get more back to herself. You can put her in a nursing home if funds allow. Use respite care. Higher someone to sit with her a few hours. If you have an Area on Aging theyay have a volunteer that would come to keep your mom company. Mom has a volunteer, she takes her out for breakfast, once a week. You can be a caregiver. Not a servant. Best Wishes
I think you have to sort it out within yourself. First off, you may be alone in this caregiver thing even if you have siblings. Some of the resentment can come from that aspect of the role. There's very little you can do if you have sibs or other family that will never assist you - they are the non-caretakers of the world. Over the years, you probably saw it coming, but figured in a crunch they would help. Not so. Second part is actually being the lone caregiver. The best advice I can offer is to relate it to raising your own children, or being around kids if you had none. With kids you encourage them to do things that you think they can do alone to reinforce becoming independent. With adults, it works kind of in reverse, except you are encouraging them to do things they are still capable of doing....so they can continue doing things. Every day they rely on someone else for a task creates the day they can no longer do it. Remind mom of that for any task she can do - if you don't continue to practice putting on your own clothes, in a few days you won't be able to do it. Kind of like an electric lift recliner - get one while you can still get up and down, you'll reach a point your muscles no longer lift you up. If she wants you doing it all even when she can do a certain thing, she is debilitating herself. You remind her if she reaches a point of not being able to do anything, what happens?? You can't lift her, etc, and then you may have to go to facility care because it is beyond what you can do. Caregiving is a hard, hard duty. It's hard not to be resentful, tiring, or aggravating from time to time.
My resentment is towards my FIL. I gave up my home for a new job and to move in with my then boyfriend, now husband of 2-1/2 years. There was no housing in the area so I was kind of forced into the situation. I still own my home downstate. The FIL was in the house with my husband for a year or two prior. He is currently 99. I have spent 5 years in the home now with him and he is a disgusting human being. He has dementia and it has become a lot worse in the 5 years; doesn't know if it's a.m. or p.m., asks for the same information he asked for 5 minutes prior, can't hear even though he has hearing aides, is incontinent with both urine and bowel movements, gets poop all over the bathroom seat and floor, etc. The one thing he does since day one 5 years ago is lie. My husband said he was a slob before he moved in when he lived by himself. A stove my husband had given him came back in disgusting and filthy shape. He would never take care of his clothes we washed for him. And, because he can't hear except through the phone connected to his hearing aides, he doesn't know I can hear him talk to his other son who lives on the same 10 acres in a different house. He has constantly degraded me with the other son and has said horrible things. He sits in one chair all day long, sometimes pees his pants which leaks from the cheap adult diapers the veterans agency supplies onto the chair. He used to have a wastepaper basket by the chair until I took it away because he used it to spit in all day. If we go anywhere, the FIL is calling his other son to ask where we are and then the BIL calls us to find out where we are and when we are going to be home. The other son, who controls the FIL's checkbook, will stop and visit him 10 or 15 minutes daily and goes to the store to buy him things like apple juice and cookies. That's his involvement unless he wants to offer his generous opinions on what we should and shouldn't do. After 2 years, I quit cleaning the guy's bathroom because it's never ending and I work. My husband retired a year ago and has also just recently been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer (MAY be able to remove kidney to save his life) and he also has a spot of cancer on his lungs. The FIL takes in $4000 a month from veteran's pay and his pension. I am wondering if keeping him in our home is a plan to save $$$ for these guys to inherit or what because I am sure not seeing any of it and IMO, the guy needs to be in an assisted living facility. What all of this has taught me, since I don't have any kids, is that I want to leave no one the responsibility of caring for me except professional caregivers when I reach the age I can't take care of myself any longer. My Mom is 92 and still lives on her own but I am certainly not willing to give up my retirement years to take care of another elderly person so they can be a vegetable for 10 years. Why don't these people plan for their care, what are they thinking?
Resentment: When another's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations.
Guilt: When one's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations (of oneself).
I suggest you take some time to think on these things. Can you change your values and/or expectations towards yourself, or of your mom? Are you willing to change your behavior?
There are no right answers. Strive to figure out what works for you.
I think it takes spiritual insights to find the answers and heal oneself of the harm resentment and guilt take on us.
What a loaded question - concern. Thank YOU so much for bringing it up.
* Feeling horrible is a waste of (good, useful) energy. Try to 'reframe' your feelings (or at least the word) to triggered, activated - as getting on your own case won't hope you - or her, at this stage of her life (or yours). * What helped me (although not my mom - although perhaps it did 25 years ago) was developing COMPASSION. When you can reframe where she's coming from to being aware that she is fearful, confused, 'upset' that she is losing her independence, it makes it easier for you to shift from snapping to feeing compassion - making it much easier for you. You go to a higher place, and you'll both be better for it (in the moment).
This is a practice. First become aware of wanting to feel compassion for her. While you're at it, feel compassion for yourself, too.
* Take breaks. * As many and as long as you need. * Realize (if you don't already) that she will continue to TRIGGER you until you catch it and not allow that to happen. Easy to say, isn't it?
* I would guess that you are 'over-doing it,' trying to do too much and exhausted. See if you can hire caregivers for a few hours a day or week; make a change to get some 'free' time for you.
* Check yourself in how (and why) you resent her for wanting you to cater to her. It really is a matter of you setting boundaries and being okay with doing that. If you aren't okay setting boundaries, they perhaps this is why you feel resentful. or I would imagine that she may have wanted you to CATER to her when you were younger; and you felt powerless to stand up to her. Those feelings do not automatically go away. They have to be processed through - in present time.
If you can (be aware to) let go of the past, while working through it (accompanied by compassion), you will feel much better.
Realize that you are power-ful(l) and can set your limits with her. It is okay to stand up to her; it is essential if you want to continue to support her at this time in her life.
I know that mothers can be difficult (boy do I). We are all (or most of us) pulling out our hair at various times throughout our life. Still, when my mom died, I was able (thank me and God) that a good two years before she died I made a 'pack' to myself to be there for her and visit every Wed after work. That last Wednesday, I was exhausted, didn't sleep enough the night before ... she blasted me on the phone while I was at work ... I didn't want to visit and I went anyway. She died the next morning. While I was walking down the hall from her apt door she said "you're so good to me." I am so grateful that I was able to shift from the status quo of our relationship to be there for her nearing the end. It isn't easy when a mother is very needy (as mine was). Still ... the key for me is compassion. It goes a very long way. It has and continues to help me re-shift or shift out of an automatic reaction / behavior to be-come aware in the moment that I can respond differently - because I want to and feel differently. Give yourself the space to experience this. You will be very grateful (to yourself). It is a learned behavior. Practice.
Wishing you the best - we are there with you. We understand how hard these relationships are, esp as a parent ages.
I started out with lots of compassion but the 5 years of stonewalling any decisions and nastiness on my mothers part eroded it a lot. my father never voiced an opinion or if he did he parroted my mothers.
These last years have taken a terrible toll on my relationships with them both.
I now view the situation as the fulfillment of a filial obligation. Do I wish it were different, yes I do. But I can’t fix how I feel anymore.
OMG this is the hardest job you will EVER have in your life. PERIOD! I had no idea what I was in for as I thought she wouldn't live very long when I agreed to take her in. However, thanks to me (LOL) here we are SEVEN years later, and half the time I want to commit suicide and the other half hug her! I told her that I was beginning to resent her, that I was not her nurse, I was not her personal assistant and would not cater to her every whim - in addition to making me feel better, that statement opened her eyes to her selfishness. If it wasn't for my therapist, I probably would have gone completely mad. This year I hired several people to come in 6-7 days a week for 3-4 hours. I now have MY life back. I just bought a travel trailer and plan on doing some 3-day getaways in the future... even if it's only camping in my driveway!
BOTTOM LINE: don't let her take over your life (like I did). It is an ugly, ugly road paved with guilt, fear, obligations and burdens (that are not yours to carry).
My heart hurts for you. Sending love and best wishes.
LOL! We did the travel trailer thing too and sometimes we use it as an escape even though it never left the driveway! It has a TV and a fridge and has been a great escape for my husband at various times. In the summer, we take it to a nearby lake a couple times and set it up for a week. My husband stays there with our dog and I visit every day for several hours while my paid caretaker is at the house. I have to be back for the evening shift unless I make special arrangements. It is only a 45 minute drive. It gives me a chance to go on bike rides and kayak which are things I like to do. I am on year 4 of caretaking for two. I am POA for both. My mother is with me - my younger brother is with my Dad in a nearby state 3 hours away. The dementia is awful to experience in so many ways. My (and my brother’s) resentment comes and goes depending on how chaotic and demanding things get. It is normal and comes with the job.
Dear Shelsley, I can totally understand this!!! My mother and I were strained for years!! Things were much better after my Dad passed and my husband and I helped her through it. Years passed and she navigated life pretty well but then the random dementia symptoms increased dramatically. She has increasing become horribly LAZY. Two years ago we had to sell her house and move her onto our property. It’s HARD! I loose my patience and snap. I have to apologize then. She is incredibly lazy and not thankful. She kisses up to my husband but is demanding with me! I FEEL your pain! Prayer and tears is the only advice I have. I am a member of “Working Daughter” on FB, The people there are in the trenches with me and so supportive! Big Hugs!! Dena
If your mother is "is incredibly lazy and not thankful", it's a VERY good idea to "loose your patience and snap'. Putting up with it will only make her more and more demanding and less and less thankful. Walk away from the demands and don't knuckle under to the laziness.
We need Burnt to post about this - she has it down pat!
I vent on this forum. I get it all out. And I usually receive some kind words back. It helps a lot.
The only other thing to help will be when my parents finally pass away and we sell their home so that Medicaid can take the proceeds from their house sale. Only then will it be over and I can feel better. It’s sad to write that but it is true.
When I started feeling resentment for my retirement being taken away I went for counseling …..2.5 years later I am still in counseling. I feel better and mom’s happier. It is not my mom’s fault she is advanced aged {90} , needy or has Lewy dementia. Bad things happen to good people..My job is to get her to the finish line.. get help!
yes but she could have planned better. saved money for her own care. made different life choices. i know life isn’t fair but it can’t all fall back to us the child. they need to do responsible adulting just like we will give it our best to be responsible for ourselves to not place so much work on other. keep going. good luck
well you can laugh. my mom was in memory care at the end. i was the trigger that upset her often. and i was the one helping take care of her. lol. i’d just giggle when she said i wish i never had you. the staff felt bad. i’d say no worries this isn’t any i have not heard all my life i just kept adulting and trying to add to the comfort of her life. yes it makes you angry that you have to skip things you want to do in life and they are not grateful. hugs.
I Got a therapist and went to community acupuncture once or twice a week where I could Meditate and get support . Went to the beach to swim and be able to think . I had a senior service where there was a caregiver support group , got some Life coaching , another woman helped when I needed someone to talk to because there were times I felt I was having a nervous breakdown . Often times I would sit and get a coffee at a cafe or go to Lunch and write . Its really about self care . Getting a haircut or mani / Pedi or a massage for the stress . I would Buy Orchids and photograph them or work on My Garden . I would cook healthy food for us . he eventually was on a schedule and cooperated - he Loved to read . We kept things simple and I bought some of his favorite foods . And he would thank Me . Your mom May Turn the corner . I had a awesome doctor who would talk with my dad for a Hour - we would go on Long walks together and sit and people watch or go get Lunch . Or we would sit Outside and Pet the neighbors dogs . I Took Him Out dancing at His Favorite Place in Maine on the beach and People were crying - we were the Only Ones on the dance Floor . I Knew this maybe the Last time he danced . Try and do fun things you Both enjoy . I grew him tomatoes in the garden . Often times we would try and beat each other to the Mail Box and then Laugh . Find activities you both enjoy together .
@KNance72, this is awesome! Maybe my dad will turn the corner but just when I think he has, he does or says something hurtful and mean. We all say things we do not mean sometimes but with him it is on a whole different level.. It is meant to hurt you. I have tried to do fun things with him and he often ruins it. Keep doing those things with your dad. I know he loves it. :)
You just have to remind mom that you’re doing something right now…& she’ll have to wait a little while. If she starts yelling, just walk out of room for a couple minutes…come back & she probably will forget what she wanted immediately from you. When you don’t get breaks all week you can get frustrated 😩 & feel overwhelmed. Keep trying to get at least a private pay aide that knows she will work steady on those days & hours. Good luck & hugs 🤗
I’m experiencing the same. I am learning how to set boundaries thus preventing burnout. I try not to take things personally. I prepare myself before visits. I debrief my experiences with friends as soon as possible so not to carry stress. I implement more self-care. I am trying to do all these things, which is difficult and hope to get better. Would love to hear more ideas from other on this.
@ SusanTurley ..Yes! Setting boundaries is very important. For years I did not and it has left me in the shape I'm in now. My elderly parent ( dad) was emotionally abusive to me and my mom so it is VERY hard to do things for him. I think the key is the boundaries and having people you can talk to or a place to get ideas like this forum. But whatever you do, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I would first say, get some help so you don’t have to do it all. There are agencies that can help seniors with things. Look into that. Next, think about how your mom cared for you when you were young. Was she patient with you? Also think about how you want your own kids to treat you when you need help someday. All of that will help you find some balance.
Boy do I know how you feel. I am in exactly the same situation. And believe me if there was a simple solution I would be shouting from the rooftops. Truth be told the only one you have any actual control over is yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break, even if it’s five minute coffee breaks. If your mom needs in home care or an assisted livening there is information on this site that can direct you. You need to care for yourself before you can care for others. It is nice to have one someone who is your soft place to fall to help you recharge at the end of a hard day. Just know a lot of great information here and most importantly, you are not alone.
@waytomisery, I have done that on some occasions and will have to do it all the time! It is a shame I have to lie or keep secrets to have peace. I have a week off coming up soon and I dread it but I have already decided how I'm going to handle that. The only reason he knows my days off is that I'm the one who takes him to doctor's appointments because there is no one else to take him so when he has to go, they are scheduled on my days off.
A girls gotta get out...you have to have a "happy place". A place where you know once or twice a week you go to something strictly for the sheer enjoyment.
For example, I just returned from a heated indoor therapy pool. It's these spurts of recreation that are good for your joints, appetite and sleep not to mention the others in the group. You can work on your health and weight.
It's hard because these caregiver roles and I hate even using this word but start out manageable but then as time goes on you need more services.
The good news is that you are not alone. Your mother's health insurance probably has a lot of services that will assist you. Your mother's primary care doc can do an assessment and write a referral.
You have to be the one in charge for decision making. While I'll let my mother choose her outfit for the day and what kind of salad dressing on her salad a lot of the everyday care routine and schedule needs to be coordinated by you.
You need to block out time for the following for yourself: haircut, exercise, fresh air, bill pay--read about finances, balance your checkbook. Keep note of your friends' birthdays. Keep up-to-date on what's going on in the world.
You have to take a step back and perhaps a nap time for the loved one so you can make the important phone calls--doctor's, health insurance companies, prescription call ins.
A tier facility--independent living, assisted livings, short-term rehab, physical therapy are popular in the Southern States where a lot of seniors retire. Your money will go farther. Not sure which region of the country you live in but there is always an answer.
As time goes on you have to "re-work" the plan. A Social Worker and Elder Attorney can assist you as well. You need options.
I will pray for you. I have I gave you some encouragement.
Wow, do I understand. I’ve been caring for m parents for 8 mos now in my home. They are 94 and 97. Mom has dementia and had a stroke 8 yrs ago. She is disabled. Dad can still do his ADL’s. I’m burned out. I’m looking at senior living facilities in our area. Also, considering in home care so I Don have to separate them or risk Mom getting out of bed on her own and falling. Rails on bed are not allowed in facilities. It has been very difficult meeting their wants and needs. I have two chronic illnesses which makes it more difficult for me. Yes, I feel some level of obligation to them because they support me as I’m on disability. I never should have tried this, but didn’t see any option. Now to address anger and resentment. I was abused as a child. No details here. My anger about that comes out sideways toward my dad. Also, he is quite content having me figure out everything. As he says if it wasn’t for me he would just ignore Mom’s and his needs. He wouldn’t deal with the problems I’ve run into with the medical system for example. Yes, I understand being resentful. I can’t beat myself up. I also have to recognize it is not helping me, only hurting me. Take a deep breath and I keep praying even when it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m lost most of the time. I keep trying to find help: home health care, palliative care, and paying for home care. No family to help. Dad burned those bridges. I’ve gone on. You are not alone. Here if you want to talk.
girl. i’m impressed by your spirit and willingness to help your parents i think you will get to a resolution. yes if they get along it would be great and probably cost effective to get them into the same location. you usually get a discount for the second parent. at least here in texas. you might get more care in a smaller home but with a larger home lots of activity and more people to visit with. do keep searching for a spot for them even if you send them one at a time. bed rails yes not allowed. maybe a larger bed. or you roll up a blanket on on side of bed. other side near wall. also how big are your parents there those nap things they use for kids that comes in a larger size flat with padded then a half of circle or bumper around it you lay with your head and upper body between the padded bumpers. you are doing great. keep going
Oh, I can so relate to this, since I projected so much of my discontentment and resentment onto my mom. I took on very negative feelings, because I was not controlling my thoughts from the get-go, nor was l speaking up and communicating my needs as her caregiver when an issue called for this. An example of this is when I felt that my mom could do something that she was asking me to do, I would begin to “stew” and get frustrated (REACT) instead of coming up with a solution for moving forward (reacting vs responding in is a perfect recipe for things spinning out of control and snowballing). As I began to learn how to control my thoughts, put up boundaries, and address situations proactively, I was able to then care for my mom in a much more loving and easy manner. I was doing things backwards as I spent so much energy trying to change her, when the main issue was changing me!
Agree with all the comments here about boundaries. Sometimes it’s hard to get clear on boundaries when you are immersed in caretaking. Getting away to get some perspective can help free up the mind so you can think about the options and negotiables.
It also helps to think about goals. The big end goal is end of life and how do you want that to feel, but there are also small goals or the next goals. Like getting good in home support. Or getting certain documents in order. These things can help you feel empowered and in control vs constantly in service which can lead to resentment.
First she brought up the "list" of trivial things I didn't pick up at the store for her yet, a list she gave me the night before the medical emergency. Then I gave her a very small meal, which the aid and I first offered to reheat, and then remove several times, but she refused.
After almost 4 hours she's like, "this is cold, this is dry, this is hard!" I said I know - it needs to be thrown away, its been sitting out for 4 hours! Later I gave a special thank you to the aid, who sat vigil with mom throughout the nights we waited for hospice to come. And she seemed angry, like "why are you thanking HER?"
I spent the whole day leading up to that visit fighting back tears because I felt the end was near. Then after a few hours with her I'm angry again. The woman is SO difficult!
I became a full time caregiver to my parents (mom 72 & dad 81) in June 2020 and at first I had a LOT of moments where I hated being put in that position. My mom's had 4 major surgeries, and a recent brain bleed causing her to have seizures. My dad has Parkinsons' Disease and dementia. Although his PD was diagnosed 20+ yrs ago, his only symptom was a slight hand tremor that only severely ramped up when we moved in April of 2020 from Maryland to Wisconsin (literally the same week most of the US shut down for Covid.)
My resentment, however, was (and still is) directed at my brother and his wife whom we moved in with so that I'd have help with our parents and I could have a life outside of work and mom and dad. Fyi: 5 adults in 1 house is NOT recommended, especially when 1 of them is a narcissist. Sadly, my brother & SIL have done absolutely nothing to help my parents (or me) except use my parent's retirement income for all of the shared expenses so that my brother & SIL can live rent-free and go galavanting around without a care in the world. So now, not only do I care for my parents 24/7, but my brother & SIL routinely use me as a free dog sitter, errand runner, and even a driver, without ever asking. They feel since I don't work a traditional job that I'm at THEIR disposal 24/7 too.
Well, I decided to take a Certified Nursing Assistant course simply to be better able to care for my parents, since clearly that was going to be my role whether I wanted it or not. Turns out, school gave me the ability to put aside the fact that I'm cleaning my DAD's privates; inspecting my MOM to determine that there's a prolapsed organ hanging out of her; tending to a head wound; making them do their post-surgery or PD exercises; or just making sure they eat healthy meals. Instead, I "put on the gloves" and I'm a professional dealing with a client. Then the "gloves come off" and we're family again. It really has made life easier for my parents and I.
And...after not having any real clear career path for most of my life, I've decided that becoming a Registered Nurse is what I'm meant to do. Hmm...I guess I'm going to have to thank my useless brother and his wife because I wouldn't be becoming an RN if they hadn't forced my hand at home. Nah, if they ask I'll deny it! LOL
We moved in to assess the situation and quickly found that she was okay and not okay. She could not live alone according to the doctor.
She was aware that she was loosing it. And it broke her heart to say to me that rolling yarn was the only thing she could do.
My husband and I thought this was our life now and it was depressing because it would get worse. We are praying Christ believers and knew that this was not a surprise to the Lord. I memorized most of James 1 to have the patience and love I needed to get my heart in the right place.
BUT, I was frequently shocked at my reactions of frustration with mom. She didn’t want to shower, eat properly-was dieting, fearful late afternoon, and sleeping a lot! I apologized a lot and prayed with mom a lot. THEN, we needed to go to my MIL for her 90th birthday. We were taking mom. 2 hours away at a friends house, she said “leave me here”. We looked at respite and she loved the place so much she wanted to buy her apartment. Even in AL I realized that staffing was insufficient and mom could refuse and they would walk away (but still keep the money for those services). Advice here: Do not pay for additional services, just get the minimum (medication management and a room, meals). AND get a private caregiver to some in for showers, laundry, lotions, hair, and companionship. This changed my mom’s life. It was 3 days 4 hours a day. Then it was so good for her that when the caregiver was available for 5 days/4 hours (I chose 1-5 p.m.) because mom would get 2 meals supervised and encouraged and she sleeps in most of the time. Also, sundowners while mild, was better with a caregiver there. I found another lady to work Friday/Saturday 1-5 an mom has 7 days of private care and these ladies love her. I have a camera and they know it and I can see mom’s reaction to their care. When she moved to MC, the caregivers went with her. AGAIN, necessary because of the short staff and lack of one/one that mom really needs. Camera’s in place helps me attend to her better. I have a Alexa in place so if I see her up and rocking back and forth, I can drop in and talk to her. It usually ends up with her laying down and I pray for her before she sleeps/naps. She has vascular dementia not ALZ and is aware but has extremely short term memory. I still pray with mom and because I can be her daughter and advocate it is not awful but it is still heart rending to see her decline. However, she is not aware of her old life in a way that gives her pain. Bottom line: much prayer and seeking God’s peace. I am grateful that my mom and I believe in the Bible and that this world is not our home. He has given us provisions to care for her and amazingly godly caregivers who read to her daily Bible studies. It started with respite; God knew, provided and we responded.
She didn't help mom bath. Mom got terrible sores under her breasts from it not being washed or dried.
She did in fact clip her toe nails. The big toes were so short they got infected on the sides.
Mom fell and broke her pelvis. While at the hospital the blood work showed her electrolytes were all messed up. (Think restrictive diet).
According the sister everything was fine. Mom needed to lose weight so she put her on a strict diet( at 92). Cause she couldn't lift her. She couldn't lift her if she weighed over 30.punds so.....
Not consulting with her doctor.
Never said anything about mom, cept everything is fine.
Why would we have thought anything different?
Thank goodness my other sister intervened before it was too late. Got mom back on food again. We had no idea that mom was being treated this way.
The sister that intervened isn't able to care for mom as she is disabled.
All that too say, I know I AM the best caretaker for her. There are local assisted living homes that will take her for respite care. But never again will I trust family.
Mom doesn't deserve just being taken care of, she deserves to be loved. And to feel loved. She gets that here.
If you can't do it you can't.
I let go of the dream that they would help. They aren't capable. They aren't capable of taking care of a pet let alone a person.
However, when I think of the hell my momma went through, it hurts me deeply.
It took mom about a month to get more back to herself.
You can put her in a nursing home if funds allow.
Use respite care. Higher someone to sit with her a few hours.
If you have an Area on Aging theyay have a volunteer that would come to keep your mom company.
Mom has a volunteer, she takes her out for breakfast, once a week.
You can be a caregiver. Not a servant.
Best Wishes
Second part is actually being the lone caregiver. The best advice I can offer is to relate it to raising your own children, or being around kids if you had none.
With kids you encourage them to do things that you think they can do alone to reinforce becoming independent. With adults, it works kind of in reverse, except you are encouraging them to do things they are still capable of doing....so they can continue doing things. Every day they rely on someone else for a task creates the day they can no longer do it. Remind mom of that for any task she can do - if you don't continue to practice putting on your own clothes, in a few days you won't be able to do it. Kind of like an electric lift recliner - get one while you can still get up and down, you'll reach a point your muscles no longer lift you up.
If she wants you doing it all even when she can do a certain thing, she is debilitating herself. You remind her if she reaches a point of not being able to do anything, what happens?? You can't lift her, etc, and then you may have to go to facility care because it is beyond what you can do.
Caregiving is a hard, hard duty. It's hard not to be resentful, tiring, or aggravating from time to time.
Resentment: When another's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations.
Guilt: When one's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations (of oneself).
I suggest you take some time to think on these things. Can you change your values and/or expectations towards yourself, or of your mom? Are you willing to change your behavior?
There are no right answers. Strive to figure out what works for you.
I think it takes spiritual insights to find the answers and heal oneself of the harm resentment and guilt take on us.
Just my 2 cents. :-|
* Feeling horrible is a waste of (good, useful) energy. Try to 'reframe' your feelings (or at least the word) to triggered, activated - as getting on your own case won't hope you - or her, at this stage of her life (or yours).
* What helped me (although not my mom - although perhaps it did 25 years ago) was developing COMPASSION. When you can reframe where she's coming from to being aware that she is fearful, confused, 'upset' that she is losing her independence, it makes it easier for you to shift from snapping to feeing compassion - making it much easier for you. You go to a higher place, and you'll both be better for it (in the moment).
This is a practice. First become aware of wanting to feel compassion for her. While you're at it, feel compassion for yourself, too.
* Take breaks.
* As many and as long as you need.
* Realize (if you don't already) that she will continue to TRIGGER you until you catch it and not allow that to happen. Easy to say, isn't it?
* I would guess that you are 'over-doing it,' trying to do too much and exhausted. See if you can hire caregivers for a few hours a day or week; make a change to get some 'free' time for you.
* Check yourself in how (and why) you resent her for wanting you to cater to her. It really is a matter of you setting boundaries and being okay with doing that. If you aren't okay setting boundaries, they perhaps this is why you feel resentful.
or
I would imagine that she may have wanted you to CATER to her when you were younger; and you felt powerless to stand up to her. Those feelings do not automatically go away. They have to be processed through - in present time.
If you can (be aware to) let go of the past, while working through it (accompanied by compassion), you will feel much better.
Realize that you are power-ful(l) and can set your limits with her.
It is okay to stand up to her; it is essential if you want to continue to support her at this time in her life.
I know that mothers can be difficult (boy do I). We are all (or most of us) pulling out our hair at various times throughout our life. Still, when my mom died, I was able (thank me and God) that a good two years before she died I made a 'pack' to myself to be there for her and visit every Wed after work. That last Wednesday, I was exhausted, didn't sleep enough the night before ... she blasted me on the phone while I was at work ... I didn't want to visit and I went anyway. She died the next morning. While I was walking down the hall from her apt door she said "you're so good to me." I am so grateful that I was able to shift from the status quo of our relationship to be there for her nearing the end. It isn't easy when a mother is very needy (as mine was). Still ... the key for me is compassion. It goes a very long way. It has and continues to help me re-shift or shift out of an automatic reaction / behavior to be-come aware in the moment that I can respond differently - because I want to and feel differently. Give yourself the space to experience this. You will be very grateful (to yourself). It is a learned behavior. Practice.
Wishing you the best - we are there with you. We understand how hard these relationships are, esp as a parent ages.
Gena / Touch Matters
These last years have taken a terrible toll on my relationships with them
both.
I now view the situation as the fulfillment of a filial obligation. Do I wish it were different, yes I do. But I can’t fix how I feel anymore.
BOTTOM LINE: don't let her take over your life (like I did). It is an ugly, ugly road paved with guilt, fear, obligations and burdens (that are not yours to carry).
My heart hurts for you. Sending love and best wishes.
I can totally understand this!!! My mother and I were strained for years!! Things were much better after my Dad passed and my husband and I helped her through it. Years passed and she navigated life pretty well but then the random dementia symptoms increased dramatically. She has increasing become horribly LAZY. Two years ago we had to sell her house and move her onto our property. It’s HARD! I loose my patience and snap. I have to apologize then. She is incredibly lazy and not thankful. She kisses up to my husband but is demanding with me! I FEEL your pain! Prayer and tears is the only advice I have. I am a member of “Working Daughter” on FB, The people there are in the trenches with me and so supportive!
Big Hugs!! Dena
We need Burnt to post about this - she has it down pat!
(online or in person), get counseling and ask your Dr for some anti depressants or anti anxiety meds for yourself.
A combo of all that will help (not totally eliminate) your feelings.
You are feeling very normal under the circumstances. Support groups & counseling will show you that.
Caretaking is one of the hardest things to do & if your LO is demanding, unreasonable or likes to blame & find fault that makes things 10 times worse.
Seek support, it will help.
Anger is a normal human emotion. It’s a reaction to something that is disturbing to us.
Anger isn’t a bad thing. It can have a positive impact on our situation, if it motivates us to make necessary changes in our lives.
How many times do we see people who don’t change things until they become sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Anger is only destructive for us if we become stuck and do nothing about our situation.
The only other thing to help will be when my parents finally pass away and we sell their home so that Medicaid can take the proceeds from their house sale. Only then will it be over and I can feel better. It’s sad to write that but it is true.
I'm trying, but so far not fully successful in "controlling" anger plus resentment. Its not easy.
I have done that on some occasions and will have to do it all the time! It is a shame I have to lie or keep secrets to have peace. I have a week off coming up soon and I dread it but I have already decided how I'm going to handle that. The only reason he knows my days off is that I'm the one who takes him to doctor's appointments because there is no one else to take him so when he has to go, they are scheduled on my days off.
A girls gotta get out...you have to have a "happy place". A place where you know once or twice a week you go to something strictly for the sheer enjoyment.
For example, I just returned from a heated indoor therapy pool. It's these spurts of recreation that are good for your joints, appetite and sleep not to mention the others in the group. You can work on your health and weight.
It's hard because these caregiver roles and I hate even using this word but start out manageable but then as time goes on you need more services.
The good news is that you are not alone. Your mother's health insurance probably has a lot of services that will assist you. Your mother's primary care doc can do an assessment and write a referral.
You have to be the one in charge for decision making. While I'll let my mother choose her outfit for the day and what kind of salad dressing on her salad a lot of the everyday care routine and schedule needs to be coordinated by you.
You need to block out time for the following for yourself: haircut, exercise, fresh air, bill pay--read about finances, balance your checkbook. Keep note of your friends' birthdays. Keep up-to-date on what's going on in the world.
You have to take a step back and perhaps a nap time for the loved one so you can make the important phone calls--doctor's, health insurance companies, prescription call ins.
A tier facility--independent living, assisted livings, short-term rehab, physical therapy are popular in the Southern States where a lot of seniors retire. Your money will go farther. Not sure which region of the country you live in but there is always an answer.
As time goes on you have to "re-work" the plan. A Social Worker and Elder Attorney can assist you as well. You need options.
I will pray for you. I have I gave you some encouragement.
It also helps to think about goals. The big end goal is end of life and how do you want that to feel, but there are also small goals or the next goals. Like getting good in home support. Or getting certain documents in order. These things can help you feel empowered and in control vs constantly in service which can lead to resentment.