How do you control the anger and resentment you feel taking care of a loved one?

I understand completely

What a loaded question - concern. Thank YOU so much for bringing it up.

* Feeling horrible is a waste of (good, useful) energy. Try to 'reframe' your feelings (or at least the word) to triggered, activated - as getting on your own case won't hope you - or her, at this stage of her life (or yours).
* What helped me (although not my mom - although perhaps it did 25 years ago) was developing COMPASSION. When you can reframe where she's coming from to being aware that she is fearful, confused, 'upset' that she is losing her independence, it makes it easier for you to shift from snapping to feeing compassion - making it much easier for you. You go to a higher place, and you'll both be better for it (in the moment).

This is a practice. First become aware of wanting to feel compassion for her. While you're at it, feel compassion for yourself, too.

* Take breaks.
* As many and as long as you need.
* Realize (if you don't already) that she will continue to TRIGGER you until you catch it and not allow that to happen. Easy to say, isn't it?

* I would guess that you are 'over-doing it,' trying to do too much and exhausted. See if you can hire caregivers for a few hours a day or week; make a change to get some 'free' time for you.

* Check yourself in how (and why) you resent her for wanting you to cater to her. It really is a matter of you setting boundaries and being okay with doing that. If you aren't okay setting boundaries, they perhaps this is why you feel resentful.
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I would imagine that she may have wanted you to CATER to her when you were younger; and you felt powerless to stand up to her. Those feelings do not automatically go away. They have to be processed through - in present time.

If you can (be aware to) let go of the past, while working through it (accompanied by compassion), you will feel much better.

Realize that you are power-ful(l) and can set your limits with her.
It is okay to stand up to her; it is essential if you want to continue to support her at this time in her life.

I know that mothers can be difficult (boy do I). We are all (or most of us) pulling out our hair at various times throughout our life. Still, when my mom died, I was able (thank me and God) that a good two years before she died I made a 'pack' to myself to be there for her and visit every Wed after work. That last Wednesday, I was exhausted, didn't sleep enough the night before ... she blasted me on the phone while I was at work ... I didn't want to visit and I went anyway. She died the next morning. While I was walking down the hall from her apt door she said "you're so good to me." I am so grateful that I was able to shift from the status quo of our relationship to be there for her nearing the end. It isn't easy when a mother is very needy (as mine was). Still ... the key for me is compassion. It goes a very long way. It has and continues to help me re-shift or shift out of an automatic reaction / behavior to be-come aware in the moment that I can respond differently - because I want to and feel differently. Give yourself the space to experience this. You will be very grateful (to yourself). It is a learned behavior. Practice.

Wishing you the best - we are there with you. We understand how hard these relationships are, esp as a parent ages.

Gena / Touch Matters

My take - PERHAPS it will be useful.

Resentment: When another's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations.

Guilt: When one's behavior doesn't align with one's values and expectations (of oneself).

I suggest you take some time to think on these things. Can you change your values and/or expectations towards yourself, or of your mom? Are you willing to change your behavior?

There are no right answers. Strive to figure out what works for you.

I think it takes spiritual insights to find the answers and heal oneself of the harm resentment and guilt take on us.

Just my 2 cents. :-|

My resentment is towards my FIL. I gave up my home for a new job and to move in with my then boyfriend, now husband of 2-1/2 years. There was no housing in the area so I was kind of forced into the situation. I still own my home downstate. The FIL was in the house with my husband for a year or two prior. He is currently 99. I have spent 5 years in the home now with him and he is a disgusting human being. He has dementia and it has become a lot worse in the 5 years; doesn't know if it's a.m. or p.m., asks for the same information he asked for 5 minutes prior, can't hear even though he has hearing aides, is incontinent with both urine and bowel movements, gets poop all over the bathroom seat and floor, etc. The one thing he does since day one 5 years ago is lie. My husband said he was a slob before he moved in when he lived by himself. A stove my husband had given him came back in disgusting and filthy shape. He would never take care of his clothes we washed for him. And, because he can't hear except through the phone connected to his hearing aides, he doesn't know I can hear him talk to his other son who lives on the same 10 acres in a different house. He has constantly degraded me with the other son and has said horrible things. He sits in one chair all day long, sometimes pees his pants which leaks from the cheap adult diapers the veterans agency supplies onto the chair. He used to have a wastepaper basket by the chair until I took it away because he used it to spit in all day. If we go anywhere, the FIL is calling his other son to ask where we are and then the BIL calls us to find out where we are and when we are going to be home. The other son, who controls the FIL's checkbook, will stop and visit him 10 or 15 minutes daily and goes to the store to buy him things like apple juice and cookies. That's his involvement unless he wants to offer his generous opinions on what we should and shouldn't do. After 2 years, I quit cleaning the guy's bathroom because it's never ending and I work. My husband retired a year ago and has also just recently been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer (MAY be able to remove kidney to save his life) and he also has a spot of cancer on his lungs. The FIL takes in $4000 a month from veteran's pay and his pension. I am wondering if keeping him in our home is a plan to save $$$ for these guys to inherit or what because I am sure not seeing any of it and IMO, the guy needs to be in an assisted living facility. What all of this has taught me, since I don't have any kids, is that I want to leave no one the responsibility of caring for me except professional caregivers when I reach the age I can't take care of myself any longer. My Mom is 92 and still lives on her own but I am certainly not willing to give up my retirement years to take care of another elderly person so they can be a vegetable for 10 years. Why don't these people plan for their care, what are they thinking?

I think you have to sort it out within yourself. First off, you may be alone in this caregiver thing even if you have siblings. Some of the resentment can come from that aspect of the role. There's very little you can do if you have sibs or other family that will never assist you - they are the non-caretakers of the world. Over the years, you probably saw it coming, but figured in a crunch they would help. Not so.
Second part is actually being the lone caregiver. The best advice I can offer is to relate it to raising your own children, or being around kids if you had none.
With kids you encourage them to do things that you think they can do alone to reinforce becoming independent. With adults, it works kind of in reverse, except you are encouraging them to do things they are still capable of doing....so they can continue doing things. Every day they rely on someone else for a task creates the day they can no longer do it. Remind mom of that for any task she can do - if you don't continue to practice putting on your own clothes, in a few days you won't be able to do it. Kind of like an electric lift recliner - get one while you can still get up and down, you'll reach a point your muscles no longer lift you up.
If she wants you doing it all even when she can do a certain thing, she is debilitating herself. You remind her if she reaches a point of not being able to do anything, what happens?? You can't lift her, etc, and then you may have to go to facility care because it is beyond what you can do.
Caregiving is a hard, hard duty. It's hard not to be resentful, tiring, or aggravating from time to time.

I needed a break from my mom. Our mom is 92. My sister took her in for 4 months. In another state, 10 hours away During that time, she put mom on a strict diet. Mom lost 20 pounds and mentally was a shadow of the person that left. The sister had her sit on a camp chair, in the kitchen, cause she was worried mom was going to pee on her furniture and carpet .
She didn't help mom bath. Mom got terrible sores under her breasts from it not being washed or dried.
She did in fact clip her toe nails. The big toes were so short they got infected on the sides.
Mom fell and broke her pelvis. While at the hospital the blood work showed her electrolytes were all messed up. (Think restrictive diet).
According the sister everything was fine. Mom needed to lose weight so she put her on a strict diet( at 92). Cause she couldn't lift her. She couldn't lift her if she weighed over 30.punds so.....
Not consulting with her doctor.
Never said anything about mom, cept everything is fine.
Why would we have thought anything different?
Thank goodness my other sister intervened before it was too late. Got mom back on food again. We had no idea that mom was being treated this way.
The sister that intervened isn't able to care for mom as she is disabled.
All that too say, I know I AM the best caretaker for her. There are local assisted living homes that will take her for respite care. But never again will I trust family.
Mom doesn't deserve just being taken care of, she deserves to be loved. And to feel loved. She gets that here.
If you can't do it you can't.
I let go of the dream that they would help. They aren't capable. They aren't capable of taking care of a pet let alone a person.
However, when I think of the hell my momma went through, it hurts me deeply.
It took mom about a month to get more back to herself.
You can put her in a nursing home if funds allow.
Use respite care. Higher someone to sit with her a few hours.
If you have an Area on Aging theyay have a volunteer that would come to keep your mom company.
Mom has a volunteer, she takes her out for breakfast, once a week.
You can be a caregiver. Not a servant.
Best Wishes

shelsley94: Seek respite when possible as no one person can be a superhuman.

She probably wants your attention because she doesn’t have much else going for her. Find a way to get breaks and temporary relief. Make your own respite depending on what you can do and what you need to recharge. Find some “me” time and don’t let anyone take it away from you. Give her the attention you can - not what you can’t - and remind her you are not a personal servant (unless she has dementia- in which case telling her that won’t help). Go outside and get some air and scream if you need to😉

My life and husbands was surprised by the sudden decline of my mom March 2020.
We moved in to assess the situation and quickly found that she was okay and not okay. She could not live alone according to the doctor.
She was aware that she was loosing it. And it broke her heart to say to me that rolling yarn was the only thing she could do.
My husband and I thought this was our life now and it was depressing because it would get worse. We are praying Christ believers and knew that this was not a surprise to the Lord. I memorized most of James 1 to have the patience and love I needed to get my heart in the right place.
BUT, I was frequently shocked at my reactions of frustration with mom. She didn’t want to shower, eat properly-was dieting, fearful late afternoon, and sleeping a lot! I apologized a lot and prayed with mom a lot. THEN, we needed to go to my MIL for her 90th birthday. We were taking mom. 2 hours away at a friends house, she said “leave me here”. We looked at respite and she loved the place so much she wanted to buy her apartment. Even in AL I realized that staffing was insufficient and mom could refuse and they would walk away (but still keep the money for those services). Advice here: Do not pay for additional services, just get the minimum (medication management and a room, meals). AND get a private caregiver to some in for showers, laundry, lotions, hair, and companionship. This changed my mom’s life. It was 3 days 4 hours a day. Then it was so good for her that when the caregiver was available for 5 days/4 hours (I chose 1-5 p.m.) because mom would get 2 meals supervised and encouraged and she sleeps in most of the time. Also, sundowners while mild, was better with a caregiver there. I found another lady to work Friday/Saturday 1-5 an mom has 7 days of private care and these ladies love her. I have a camera and they know it and I can see mom’s reaction to their care. When she moved to MC, the caregivers went with her. AGAIN, necessary because of the short staff and lack of one/one that mom really needs. Camera’s in place helps me attend to her better. I have a Alexa in place so if I see her up and rocking back and forth, I can drop in and talk to her. It usually ends up with her laying down and I pray for her before she sleeps/naps. She has vascular dementia not ALZ and is aware but has extremely short term memory. I still pray with mom and because I can be her daughter and advocate it is not awful but it is still heart rending to see her decline. However, she is not aware of her old life in a way that gives her pain. Bottom line: much prayer and seeking God’s peace. I am grateful that my mom and I believe in the Bible and that this world is not our home. He has given us provisions to care for her and amazingly godly caregivers who read to her daily Bible studies. It started with respite; God knew, provided and we responded.

I agree with compartmentalizing the emotional side of things if you can.

I became a full time caregiver to my parents (mom 72 & dad 81) in June 2020 and at first I had a LOT of moments where I hated being put in that position. My mom's had 4 major surgeries, and a recent brain bleed causing her to have seizures. My dad has Parkinsons' Disease and dementia. Although his PD was diagnosed 20+ yrs ago, his only symptom was a slight hand tremor that only severely ramped up when we moved in April of 2020 from Maryland to Wisconsin (literally the same week most of the US shut down for Covid.)

My resentment, however, was (and still is) directed at my brother and his wife whom we moved in with so that I'd have help with our parents and I could have a life outside of work and mom and dad. Fyi: 5 adults in 1 house is NOT recommended, especially when 1 of them is a narcissist. Sadly, my brother & SIL have done absolutely nothing to help my parents (or me) except use my parent's retirement income for all of the shared expenses so that my brother & SIL can live rent-free and go galavanting around without a care in the world. So now, not only do I care for my parents 24/7, but my brother & SIL routinely use me as a free dog sitter, errand runner, and even a driver, without ever asking. They feel since I don't work a traditional job that I'm at THEIR disposal 24/7 too.

Well, I decided to take a Certified Nursing Assistant course simply to be better able to care for my parents, since clearly that was going to be my role whether I wanted it or not. Turns out, school gave me the ability to put aside the fact that I'm cleaning my DAD's privates; inspecting my MOM to determine that there's a prolapsed organ hanging out of her; tending to a head wound; making them do their post-surgery or PD exercises; or just making sure they eat healthy meals. Instead, I "put on the gloves" and I'm a professional dealing with a client. Then the "gloves come off" and we're family again. It really has made life easier for my parents and I.

And...after not having any real clear career path for most of my life, I've decided that becoming a Registered Nurse is what I'm meant to do. Hmm...I guess I'm going to have to thank my useless brother and his wife because I wouldn't be becoming an RN if they hadn't forced my hand at home. Nah, if they ask I'll deny it! LOL

Now that mom is probably getting close to the end of her hospice journey, people are telling me to make sure I tell her I love her, and say all the things that "need to be said.." Well since we called the emergency # Monday night because she was unresponsive, I saw her once time that she was actually conscious.

First she brought up the "list" of trivial things I didn't pick up at the store for her yet, a list she gave me the night before the medical emergency. Then I gave her a very small meal, which the aid and I first offered to reheat, and then remove several times, but she refused.

After almost 4 hours she's like, "this is cold, this is dry, this is hard!" I said I know - it needs to be thrown away, its been sitting out for 4 hours! Later I gave a special thank you to the aid, who sat vigil with mom throughout the nights we waited for hospice to come. And she seemed angry, like "why are you thanking HER?"

I spent the whole day leading up to that visit fighting back tears because I felt the end was near. Then after a few hours with her I'm angry again. The woman is SO difficult!

Mom mother has always been a very angry and confrontational person even when my brother and I were growing up. Both her and my father were abusive parents and my father was a "mean drunk" doing things to both my brother and me to torture, belittle, and sometimes emotionally and physically abuse us. My father died in '84 and my brother was killed in a car wreak in '88. Needless to say, the responsibility of taking care of my mom has been on me. In the early 2000's I asked my mother to move in with me after my divorce but that was one of the biggest mistakes of my like. Because of her disgruntle personality, we fought and argued all the time, not to mention she has alienated the rest of her relatives with her angry personality. I used my entire savings to put her up in her own apartments where she constantly complained about each location. She would get in verbal disagreements with other tenants and with the property managers. Fast forward to the last few months. For about ten years, she has walked with a cane and walker but one morning she could not get our of bed. At that time she was living over 2 hours away so I went down to get her and brought her back to my house. After a couple weeks, she collapse and was put in the hospital where a past severe back injury was now serious. Then while in the hospital, she had 3 mini strokes, 5 blood transfusions, and colon surgery. She was in the hospital and rehab back and forth for over 3 months. The doctors told me that they could not do anything for her, she only has a few months to live, and then "dumped" her in my lap because there was no place to send her. I have applied for Medicaid, but it is taking forever for it to go through. She is now living with me and my boyfriend in his house under hospice. I have had to take off work, work part time, and now working from home and we are back at it arguing and calling each other horrible names. I am now resentful that the medical system put me in this horrible predicament and she is resentful that she has to live with me and my boyfriend in our dining room as a make shift bedroom. I'm done!! I am desperately looking for an apartment for her because I am tired of the abuse. I know that I have to visit her at least twice a day but if she keeps getting better, then hospice is going to stop and I will not have other people going over to help me with her care and if I have to get a service like Visiting Angels to stop by that is going to cost a bundle. I don't know what to do. I had come to terms with her passing since she has had so many health issues and she wants to go. However, it seems that like my grandmother used to say about my mean ole great grandmother, "God doesn't have a place for her, and the devil doesn't want any competition" seems to apply to my mom. She is like the Energizer Bunny, she keeps going. I want to know if I am wrong for wanting to put my mom in her own place and will I get in trouble legally? I will be checking on her and get her any assistance she needs but I can not do this anymore and my health weak as it is, is falling also. Thank you