How do I remove my aging father who won’t get evaluated, won’t sign over power of attorney, thinks everyone is stealing and calls cops on us?

Yes, eviction is about all you can do or file for guardianship. I’m sorry.Well you could say he is a danger to himself or others and ask he be picked up via baker act. This will give the docs a chance to make sure he doesn’t have a UTI or need psych meds. Does he drive? Then he is a danger.

How about calling 911 and reporting that he is showing symptoms of UTI, stroke and dangerous behavior.

Show up at the hospital separately and tell them that he cannot be returned to your home as he is a danger to himself and others.

Since it's more than obvious from what you've written(plus what you said about your father in your profile)that your father has some form of dementia, so my question would be....why wasn't he placed in memory care the same time that your mother was? That would have been the simplest way to get him out of your house. But of course hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?
You can of course go the eviction route, but hopefully before then he will need a visit to the ER. And while there you make it VERY clear to the hospital social worker that he CANNOT return to your home, as you nor anyone else is equipped to care for him.
They will then have to find placement for him in the appropriate facility. And since he has no one as his POA, you can allow the state to take over the care of him, which may be best now.
I'm sorry that both your parents are suffering with the horrible disease of dementia. It sucks, this I know. But hopefully you can try and remind yourself that it is the disease speaking not your father.

This is a very sad situation. Not only is he causing you to be miserable. He is miserable himself.

I am glad to hear that the cops don’t believe him but his behavior would cause me to be uncomfortable.

I think I would be tempted to install cameras so that you have proof that he is not thinking clearly due to his dementia.

I like Barb’s idea of calling 911 and saying that he is displaying symptoms of a UTI and then not allowing him to return back to your home. It’s worth a shot.

It sounds like he needs to be on meds for anxiety. Why hasn’t he been to a doctor in the past five years?

This is horrible. Eviction can do the job but sure is messy. Seems like there has to be something you can do but I am clueless as to what to suggest. So sorry that your dad is being impossible. Can someone come to the house to evaluate him? Seems like he is having some serious mental and/or cognitive issues. Best of luck resolving this!

Part of this problem is that none of his behaviors will trigger his removal. If he can be removed, you can probably refuse to take him back. I’m wondering whether you can make removal more likely.

1) “He always fights with husband”. How does he ‘fight’? If it’s more than offensive language, if it’s a physical ‘fight’, can your husband ask the police to remove him? Would it be more likely to happen when his son is there, as well as your husband? Together they could ‘up the ante’, perhaps. They don’t need to be in fear, it just needs F to get physical. In fact, their 'fear' could be that they would have to deal with him physically, and that they might really hurt him.

2) “He used to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped”. Perhaps you stop providing him with attractive food. He doesn’t need to eat what you are eating. Mashed potato, frozen peas and a fried egg at every meal is quite a reasonable diet. Provide something boring but adequate, while you eat a more interesting diet, and wait for his stack to blow. He isn’t paying, so why expect ‘the best’?

3) He’s “calling cops every week telling them about all his accusations” which are “hacking his accounts, stealing and conspiring against him”. This is defamatory. Starting a defamation action against him is a fairly long shot, but threatening it is not. Tell him that you will be seeking damages, and how much they will be (imaginatively). If he doesn’t see a doctor, that’s what you will do. His own lawyer will definitely require him to see a doctor as part of his defense. He will need to prove that he is suffering from a mental illness, and it won’t be pretty.

This is a very tricky situation. It seems manipulative to wind him up like this, but you should not have to cope with it indefinitely either. These ideas might make you think about a different approach.

Yes he still drives and won’t let us have his keys. He wont go visit his wife in the facility. I go my self. He needs some meds cause he’s exhibiting paranoia, not sure if it’s also schizophrenia. He has the ability to talk and act normal when authorities come, so they leave telling us 🤷‍♂️

Your father needs evaluation. Sounds it is too late for POA as he may already have some dementia too severe to do that. In any case, even if he DOESN'T have dementia, he won't sign over POA.
You took him in. That's a problem. You have made your home his home. Do you believe he is well enough to care for himself? If that is your belief, then yes, I would serve him with eviction notice and help him find a room or an efficiency apartment nearby.

If however, your father isn't well enough to be on his own you need to call APS, and the last thing I would do is want POA over an uncooperative man such as him.
Problem here with you taking money from him without a contract from elder law attorney and this should have been addressed along with POA before he ever moved in. Shared living expenses don't need to be reported as income or as output from his accounts, as he is paying his way on your electric, utilities, mortgage and etc. But without such a contract it DOES LOOK like you are taking money from your Dad or he is gifting you. Either is a huge problem if he needs, in the next five years, and Medicaid help.

I would suggest you and hubby see an Elder law Attorney now to have options how best to proceed because this has all already gone quite wrong in a few ways.
I wish you the best.

I think guardianship (by family) is the solution, although it is not a fast or inexpensive one. I think it will be very difficult for the county to acquire guardianship for him while he's in your home, unless you evict him and then report him to APS, or he has a medical/health incident that requires a visit to the ER.

I like BarbBrooklyn's idea of calling 911 when he gets paranoid and then explaining that he might have a UTI or a stroke. Before doing this I would discretely video his behaviors since he seems to be good at "show timing".

Regarding his driving... if you think he is an unsafe driver, then the minute he pulls out of the driveway call 911 to report him. You can anonymously report him to his state's DMV (online). When I did this in both FL and MN I was able to give them a lot of detail, like DOB, driver's license # and specific incidences. Being angry or paranoid isn't enough of a reason to revoke a license. If you report him successfully the DMV will most likely mail out a letter informing him to come in for a test (and which test depends on what state he lives in). I would make sure the letter didn't get to him and if it does, don't remind him or take him to this appointment. Let his license expire, then when he gets in his car to drive, you call it in to the police and see what happens from there. This won't get him out of your house but may protect other citizens (and himself) if he's dangerous on the road, and may provide evidence of his cognitive deterioration.

I'm so sorry you're going through this crisis. I wish you success in getting him out and into appropriate care.

Your Dad is "showtiming". Means he can call up enough energy to make people think he is normal. How is he about dinner time? This is when they can become worse.

Laws need to change in this country. When you invite a parent into your home and it doesn't work because of Dementia or abuse, you should be able to get help for them so they can leave. No one should be made to care for a person they do not want to. Many on this forum have a parent who refuses to leave. We should not have to evict a parent. There should be an agency that helps in placing that person. Either with an apt they can afford or evaluate for Dementia and agree the person can be placed based on 24/7 care needed. I know, dream on.

Time to tell Dad living with you is no longer working and he needs to go live with Mom. Tell him him if he doesn't go voluntarily, you will call in APS and have him forced to go. A little white lie doesn't hurt.

Sounds like serious dementia to me. He sounds like he needs to see a doctor and some meds for his anger and paranoia. I'm surprised he doesn't want to be with your Mom. He could have been "showtiming" to you when Mom got placed.

Eviction will be required to get him out. He cannot continue to live there free and abuse your kindness and generosity. He sounds dangerous and vindictive. Why does he stay there if you all are (allegedly) so horrible to him? His accusations of elder abuse could cause serious trouble for you. He calls the cops weekly? He manages to "showtime" for Social Services?

You didn't cause any of this, and we all get old and must face the end of life. He has nothing to gain by defaming and implicating his family caregivers. He will be removed from your home, not force your family to leave and take over. None of you should suffer this behavior. Gather your evidence and find a lawyer.

I said in an earlier post that I would install cameras to show his behavior to others. This way when others say that he isn’t exhibiting behavior that is dangerous, you can say, ‘Let me show you his behavior when you aren’t here.’ A picture is worth a thousand words.

Geaton, I agree.
"I like BarbBrooklyn's idea of calling 911 when he gets paranoid and then explaining that he might have a UTI or a stroke".

That would be my plan also.
Transport to ER.
Social Services stat.
Push for behaviour for investigation & dementia screening.

If there is UTI/other infection any assessments will have to wait until UTI resolved so he is back to his baseline. So that would be AFTER discharge (back at home). As Dad will refuse to attend any assessment service in the comminity, a home visit will need to be requested. However, he can refuse to talk with them.

This is indeed a tricky one.

Basically the OP will be awaiting *something*. A fall, confusion, aggression, paranoia.

May take few rounds of ER-home to move to to ER-Rehab-Home then ER-Rehab-Elsewhere.

When he starts his aggressive behavior toward you, can you record him on your phone so that next time the police are there you can show it to them? You can also challenge your father with the video while the police are there.

Acdice7, I see below you mentioned,

"I can tell him he has to switch power of attorney..."

Switch? Are you currently his PoA? Or is it someone else?

If it's you, what does the PoA document say is required to activate your authority?

In some cases it is 1 diagnosis of impairment and sometimes it is 2. If it is "durable" then the Power became active as soon as the document was signed. So, depending on what his document reads, you may have power to get him into MC or a psych wing of a hospital (depending on his behavior).

It's important to know who is his PoA in order to get the most appropriate advice from us.

Acdice7, so no one is your Dad's PoA.

I would contact social services to discuss how to help someone with his level of paranoia and dementia (and make sure to record some of what he says and does). You may even consider contacting a lawyer about landlord rights to see if there's anything other than eviction.

Maybe he's a candidate for Section 8 housing (again talk to social services), and you can evict him (after going through a legal process). Once he's out of the house others (his new neighbors) will begin reporting him to APS or calling 911. I bet he won't last more than 2 weeks before APS intervenes. It's tough, not the prettiest solution, but still a solution. It'll feel really really hard but then it will get better for everyone.

This is a terrible situation, and I think you will need legal help. Bucks County Elder Law PLLC is a firm that advertises itself as an Elder Law Firm. It is in Yardley, which may be close to Egg Harbor, NJ. Several positive comments in the Reviews for this firm. When you call, make sure you share that you are in need of help to evict your father, which will not leave the premises but who is in need of medical and psychiatric eval. That way, the attorney you get has a heads up that there's a really ugly situation that will have to be handled legally. Relieved to read that his car will NOT start, Praise the Lord! Try to be low key and conserve your strength and emotions. I think there's a long road ahead to have your father in a place where his Dementia can be handled. I don't know if an Elder Law attorney will recommend eviction or..Recommend that you get Guardianship over your father. I wish you "peace" which you will be working toward.

As is possible ... I would manage his phone access.
Change the number or take the phone away.

Yes, I would recommend you do what you have to do for YOU/R needs.
This behavior / situation will only get worse / more complicated as time goes on.

Do not wait.

No, you 'Can't do this." STOP.

The issue with medical exam - if it might work and likely it won't:
Tell him it is a YEARLY / ANNUAL EVALUATION that everyone is required to do.
Or tell him you are taking him for a ride to somewhere he'd want to go (yes, lie). This is for his own good, and you being able to maintain what is left of your sanity, energy, life. Do not continue on like this.

Lastly, if he won't sign legal documents what will help you to help him, then let it all go. Psychologically, you need to release yourself from this - one way or another. If he is deemed incompetent, then you can make decisions, of course. If not. The chips fall where they may. Certainly this isn't the scenario we ever expect or want with an elder parent. However, when the brain changes, we do what we have to do - for us (YOU) and the family member.

Gena / Touch Matters

I'm going to leave the paranoia issue out for now.

Your Dad wants to decide for himself (as we all do). He does not want to sign a POA. Is that correct? (Low trust, not understanding or just does not want to).

You are providing his accomodation in your home. Correct?

Is he INDEPENDANT in your home? Walks around by himself? Gets his own food? Cleans his room/area?

What areas has he become DEPENDANT that you have needed to take over for him?

Does he buy his own food? Contribute to bills?

"He use to give us money for expenses and buy some food but that has stopped and no intention to start again."

Dad is no longer contributing to the household financially. Is that correct?

Maybe he doesn’t see the need, feels entitled to free lodgings. Or maybe he is losing money skills. Or maybe he thinks he is being financially ripped off?

Elders thinking they are being ripped off deserve to be heard.

I would suggest an Aged Care Assessment to review Dad's living situation asap. From BOTH sides.

It is not working for EITHER him or you at the moment, so change is needed.

Wow...I came here to post something vaguely similar. I wish I had an answer but from what I am experiencing (living hell), the sick person is protected and elevated over the sane/well person.

I am trying to get my wife into a skilled nursing/memory care facility because she has terminal breast cancer AND schizophrenia. The SZ is the biggest issue. She berates me, then smothers me, calls her family and says she is in danger, called her sisters and they then called APS on me (her one and only caregiver). I was of course found not guilty. Hospice nurses come in 3 days a week and they were "helping" me get her into a facility when all of a sudden they decided my wife was of "sound mind" and won't make her go against her will.

What is wrong with this country? Millions of people are "trapped" in these situations and there is NOTHING we can do but sit and take it or put them out on the street....which of course I won't do

Wow, this situation is happening to a lot of people, I am glad we can share and know that, we are not alone. My mother is 86 years old, with Alzheimer's demencia, when she speaks on the phone with other family members who has no clue of what is Alzheimer's, will believe everything that she says, they advised her to call the police on me, they always ask if we need the ambulance. By the 3rd time I accepted to take her to the hospital, it was the best now I have a social worker and confirmed that she is getting into the next stage. My suggestion to you is let them call the ambulance and once in the hospital they can do all the test, and once you have the diagnosis your husband can take over.

Can you figure out a way to get him to the ER and then tell them you can’t care for him anymore? Tell them he is not able to return to your home and then work with them to find placement.

My mother is doing all of this tho she wasn’t living with me, when she called the cops on me was the last straw.

I stepped away and she continued to call day and night, so I changed my number. Still, after a year and a half she hires homeless people and caregivers to bang on my door till I answer to tell me to call her. Also has family from around the country to call me on her behalf for sympathy. She is 82 with Parkinson’s and she lives with my 50 year old quadriplegic sister. They live in squalor and have spending problems and think everyone is stealing. She sees demons in the backyard and calls the cops, this happened to my Grandmother and ended up shooting herself trying to shoot the demon (she said the demon turned the gun on her). My mother has 9 guns hidden all over the house. I tell the authorities and her doctor this and they do nothing. They tell me it’s not illegal to make poor choices.
Last time I was there my mother had a 38 on her Walker with severe Parkinson’s next to my quadriplegic sister and the cop saw it. I wish I took a pic of it, I didn’t realize she meant it in a threatening way like a mafia boss

I would start proceedings to have him out of your house, it’s the only way you may dislodge him from his power position. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if my mother would’ve made it into my house.

Get advice from an Elder Law Attorney for your well being from all perspectives. You can also choose to call APS ( Adult Protective Services) and report the behaviors and situation. If he is being " non compliant" call 911 and have him transported to ER; he may be combative with them , so let them observe his behavior . Confer with his PCP and report all behaviors; have him assessed by PCP for " level of care needs" ; his behaviors certainly reflect possible dementia decline and, " unsafe" for both himself and you. Get help.

Acdice7: Retain an elder law attorney.

Now don't get me wrong but he does have a problem with dementia, but he also has decided that your mom isn't worth visiting??? I think he's scared of being caught as one of the residents. He knows he's troubled and seeing her will acknowledge that he can no longer function on the level he used to be, he can't care for her the way he used to. He feels inadequate about not having enough of himself to be the man she married. I think you should take Dad to see Mom! I'm sure he misses her dearly. When she left, he went downhill? He might just be in denial that his wife is no longer the same person and it left him empty and hurtful. Nobody can just separate a bond that has been there for years. I'm thinking he has nothing to lose and much to gain seeing his wife. Yes, he could have an infection but I'm not a doctor or a physiological therapist, just someone who feels with my gut. I think he's lonely and agitated. He's missing her. It's a part of him that's missing. You just don't wake up and say...I'm not married. You wake up and say...I miss you! He knows where she is, drag him and make him face her. Tell him that he couldn't have done anything to help her, she is sick from old age. He can't control everything. Nobody can. Go see Mom and discuss if Dad should live with her now. Dad is miserable, needs Mom. How would Dad feel if Mom died and he wasn't there. He can't forgive himself now?
PS you need to take his car keys away.
Here's something you can tell him... the deployment of an airbag could be life threatening. He might be a good driver but someone else could be impaired and cause injury to him. If he saw a doctor, the Dr would tell him that he shouldn't drive.

The only way I got my daddy to the doctor was telling him that to renew his prescriptions was to go to the doctor. When I made the appointment with the doctor I told him what was going on and when we had shown up I had a quick chat of what I suspected. Maybe you can get your dad to the doctor that way have him evaluated and try to get guardianship - which takes two doctors to evaluate him. Talk to an elder attorney as it has already been suggested by others on this thread. Dementia is hard and sometimes you will need to take unconventional ways to get what you and they need. Hugs