My dad is 57 and has some health issues. He does need help doing some things, but I honestly think he "milks" things to get more attention & so others will do stuff for him. I probably wouldn't feel this way if it hasn't been going on for my entire 33 years of being on this earth.
We lost my mom when my sister and I were only in middle school. After she passed, my sister stepped up and played the mama and sister role. She done everything she could for my dad to help & it got to the point he expected it. (He wasn't sick at this time.) Once she was able to work, she got a job & worked to keep our house going & make sure the bills were paid. She had to grow up way too fast & it's not fair. Growing up without our mom was very hard. Dad was very tough on us. We literally had to do everything for him.
I lost my sister about 7 years ago. I'm married & we have a young child together. My dad is having some health issues & is on Home Health.
I often think he makes things out worse than what they are. Don't get me wrong, I know he struggles sometimes but I don't think it's as bad as he lets on ALL the time. I take him to all of his doctor's appointments which requires me to get off of work. I even have to go help him pay his online bills. If doesn't know how to do something, he has me to do it for him. He expects me to drop everything I am doing & be there Johnny on the spot when he needs something. Even something simple like if he doesn't feel like going to his mailbox. (Let me add, he has a scooter that he can use to go get his mail & in fact, I believe he could even walk but chooses not to.) He will sit on his porch & ask his neighbors to bring him his mail.
My husband & I were going in once a week to help him clean up his apartment because he says he just couldn't do it. He made no effort to even try & pick up after himself. There would be trash in the floor that he dropped & wouldn't even pick up. I think he sensed I was getting irritated with it after he asked my 8-year-old son to clean up some of his bathroom mess. From that point, he said he would start doing what he could & if he needed help he would call me.
But he hasn't asked for help yet cleaning yet. All he does is make comments to me & make me feel bad about it. We would see him 2 times a week & I would talk to him 5 days a week for an hour & a half each time but yet it was never enough. He makes comments like, "You're going to regret not spending all the time with me that you can" or "God expects you take care of your parents & not run off & leave them". Just all kinds of comments that always gets to me.
I took a week off of work to spend time with my son & told my dad I had one day that week I could do for him but all he did was make comments that I didn't have time for him. He made the comment to me on Christmas day that he had no family left..all his family was dead. When I questioned what about me & his grandson, he replied with "Like I said, all my family is dead". That really hurt my feelings.
I go visit him but dread going because he always wants me to do something. Even if it's send a text message to someone. I'll be at his house & he will hand me his phone, "Here, text Larry for me & tell him I need him to call me." or "Here, read this for me & tell me what it says." Stupid stuff that he can do himself, but he chooses not to. He wants everything done for him & done right then. & God forbid I tell him no..."You don't love me anymore?" so there goes the pity, guilt stuff again.
It's a revolving door. I do so much but it's never enough for him. I can never please him. Apparently, he thinks I don't love him. He can do so much more for himself, but he uses his health issues to get what he wants.
This is only the beginning. He is stressing me out so much & my husband wants me to just walk away & not help him until he realizes all I am doing, but I want to do the right thing by being there. I have health issues of my own & can't keep this stress up.
Grow a backbone and figure out how much time to spend on the phone and how often to go visit and how much you are going to do for him. The more you do the more that will be demanded.
Nip this in the bud, it will get worse if you don't. You will never ever do enough to earn his so-called love. You cannot control what he thinks and you should not allow him to make you feel guilty.
You can only control your response to the situation.
Yes, I understand. The elderly may be demanding. They may not care that a daughter like you with a job to do and make the household go smoothly with a husband and a 6-year-old son. BUT, a person suffering from Mild Cognitive Impairment, MCI" can exhibit those behaviors due to the illness, and definitely not to make you feel bad.
Your dad thinks you are a pushover. He quite possibly does not view you husband in the same light, so the genuineness of that "threat" may light a fire under him to work on doing those things that he can do. If it doesn't, EVERY time YOU have to miss work or compromise your child or husband to do something your dad COULD have done for himself, be sure to leave a flyer lying around his place for the latest assisted living or senior service you've noticed.
That is great ideas and I really like the idea of leaving flyers laying around. He will flip his lid, for sure but you are right that he needs to realize it or take control of the things that he can actually do himself.
I do feel like a pushover to him and that's my fault because I let it get to this point. I used to not take his crap but something seriously happened to me after I had my son and I can't for some reason stand up to him like I used to. I'm too much of a worrier and a people pleaser but that's landed me being miserable when I can't tell him no.
“And how do I stand up to him without the guilt?” Answer: quit ‘guilt’ – guilt for what? You have NO obligation to support your father in any way. At age 57, he can check out all his options, and find his own supports. He is not your child, certainly not a small child, and you aren’t responsible for him. He is a very nasty middle-aged user, that’s all. You might even think that he's killing off his family, one by one.
Look up the term....turns everything around to it all being your fault....making you second guess yourself.....
They've learned that gaslighting helps them get what they want.
If anyone hasn't suggested seeking some mental health counseling, please think about finding a counselor/therapist that can help you gather some strategies and responses to you "man/child" father the next time he wants to play the victim.
You've already done a couple of good things by recognizing his behaviors and by reaching out to this community filled with wisdom and experience!
I really liked the response that included that you ask if he wants help looking for and assisted living situation since he has no family left....(paraphrased). :)
Blessings and hugs to you!!!
Very well said about the gaslighting. That's exactly what the father is doing.
That and he has weaponized his neediness and uses it to manipulate and control.
I would initially suggest / encourage that you get into therapy.
* Old patterns of behavior / triggers will be 'running' you until you stop them.
* Guilt is a B--ch with a capital B. It is a tough one although if you learn how to go inside and feel through it - you can learn to re-... direct those feelings. First you need to allow yourself to fully feel them. Not just surface-ly.
Ultimately, I believe you need (we all do) learn to put our self first.
Build our our self-esteem and feel our value in the world. When we are grounded in our SELF (took me decades although it starts with a desire, if not determination, to go on a personal - inner - journey), the 'answers' or guiding to what is the best way to proceed will come to you. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Do your inner work.
Daddy may be a narcissistic pesonality type. Research / learn what this is - as well as learn how to feel / be compassionate towards him (he is scared, fearful -- and has - perhaps life long strategies in place to get what he wants). While you learn to understand his behavior - and reasons - you do not allow him to control you and how you decide to interact with him. You are two separate entities / people in the world with your own triggers - and needs - for the best life you can manifest.
For you it is a combination of learning to be compassionate and set boundaries.
He won't like it. You may feel awkward doing. However, you need to stop catering to him (which is sounds like you are doing - perhaps for decades ... perhaps 'trained' / brought up to do this for your entire life). This is why I suggest therapy. It will help you navigate through all the family 'stuff' so you can make healthy / healthier decisions for yourself first, while managing dad's needs.
Ultimately, we all need to learn that there is so much we can do and then we have to accept / learn to LET GO and (as some may say ) LET GOD.
None of this will be easy. You are going to interrupt old patterns of behavior / conditioning - perhaps from your entire life. The payoff: You will know who you are to your CORE. This is the best gift you can give to yourself. I know. I did / do the inner work for over 40-50 years. It never ends. And, learning who I am to my core is ... well, powerful - it allows me to own my behavior and also allows others to own theirs. It allows me to let go when thing don't go my way ... That is a simplified explanation. This 'inner journey' never ends. It makes my life - the quality of it worth living.
Gena / Touch Matters
I hope you don't mind, I made a copy for me to re-read.
I know someone that has positioned themself as the Go-To person for an elder. While needs appear reasonable yet, the Go-To is already 'on call'.
Being the Go-To (appears to me) to be the opposite of a Let Go position... so involved in the others' life, like their lives have blended. People closer than me have named it 'co-dependant'. While that is not my circus.. I am always keen to read about & learn what drives motivation & behaviour.
I've seen this guilt spreading before. When the main Go-To then adapts the same pattern to pull in their own adult children, nieces, nephews or siblings.
Someone has to break the pattern.
Thank you 😊
Frankly, who cares is he's mad at you?? Does he care how you're feeling? Obviously not. You need to set boundaries - be firm but kind and stick to your guns. Do the things you want to do and nothing more. Read up on boundaries and on grey rocking - how to ignore his insults and not engage and leave.
Yes, you do waaaay too much for him. I'm a little older than him and can not even begin to imagine acting this way to my children. It's heinous!! I made the mistake of doing too much for my parents - mostly self inflicted though! If I could go back 20 years, I would have done things so much differently. I was an enabler and someone told me I was actually a "disabler". I was angry at first but then the light dawned and I was able to see that doing too much for my parents made them able to sit around and do less which helped feed their declines. That was mind blowing to me but once I got it, boy was I upset with myself! But you have to move forward and do what you know is right.
People on this forum have given thoughtful and excellent advice, but will you listen? It’s up to you now. There is help out there for your dad, so you can step back and have a life with your own son and husband.
I have stepped back since I initially posted. We don't talk every day like before and he doesn't blow my phone up. He did call me to come change his Dexcom out (diabetes meter) yesterday. I went over to help but told him I was limited on how long I could stay.
He kept making remarks, but I either wouldn't acknowledge him, or I would just brush it off with a "ohh ok".
He claims he can't do anything and drops everything he touches but he sure looked like he was doing fine to me. His apartment was mostly clean, so that tells me he didn't need me coming in every week like I was to clean for him. He said he found a friend to meet him at his doctor's appointment coming up later this week. I told him that was great. He says, "I know I'm a hinderance and never seem to call you at the right time so I decided I will leave you alone. If you get concerned about me then you can pick up the phone and call me yourself." But I know when he needs something, like changing his Dexcom, he will call. I'm happy he seems to be doing more for himself, but he tries to give me guilt about it. I didn't let it get to me this time. I was in and out in 15 minutes. It was nice! Though I hear, "Y'all don't love me anyone." But I know I do and I'm not going to let it get to me when he makes that remark.
Thank you!
Take care of you and your family they should come first. If he can't take care of himself then he should be put somewhere.
Also you can setup his bills on auto pay where they will be paid out of his account.
Prayers. Realize you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
Please see if you can find that old paperback, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty."
"A good test of a relationship is how a person responds to the word "no". Love respects "no", control does not."
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No
You need to give yourself permission to set boundaries. I urge you to buy this book and read it. It will help you.
You can buy it for $4.00 on Ebay. Here's a link: https://www.ebay.com/itm/296146303501?epid=2365660&hash=item44f3b1fa0d:g:kvsAAOSwORFllvNj&amdata=enc%3AAQAIAAAA0GKio0j96P4yM26yIZBW0T48XNJZVXS0vcdzfrxuvob5iGGbnww7IEorabmsOgd7YiqPP7YnUnpNKQU1JdPS4sc%2BCMGjnavUkotA3Usog5X9O7qrQaiVudvzWubFhOO2mAlyKO7Cws7fSrz5VU9VnXNqdgwVEIIh2vIjYDaPtWJI8xiGVbK4i65txp18nuQjr3A%2FmvgzZvmxK9gtxSkiX8Pku0bq4a5vqq5Ys5vGeqx%2F5i876WJ3Nh%2FccOrYpZxtfWQ0ESxE9No02H0yyL1YPfQ%3D%7Ctkp%3ABk9SR_qN0dSlYw
I don’t know you. I don’t know your father. But I know he’s guilting and manipulating you.
His behavior is entitled. Sounds like he’s been that way all his life. Perhaps he learned it from his own father, I don’t know. But I don’t think he’ll change. (Do these people ever change?)
You have some decisions to make. You probably can’t stop your dad from making demands. You probably can’t stop the passive aggressive, manipulative, selfish comments. You’ll have to learn to ignore them, to understand that this is HIS shortcoming, not yours. Or you can limit contact with him. What he did to your sister is unconscionable. No father should ever make his child into a slave.
He’s not a loving father. He’s not a good person. You don’t deserve this treatment. Please don’t submit to it.
I do not think they ever change. It's sad. I like that you said it's HIS shortcoming, not mine. Because sometimes I feel like it's me. I have recently limited my contact with him. Though when I do talk to him, he always has a remark about it. "Did you enjoy your time off from talking to me?" "I figured if you cared about me or were interested in how I'm doing that you would reach out yourself instead of me always calling and being a hinderance."
I am determined to not let it get to me and stand my ground. It's hard, don't get me wrong but I truly am trying. I have to learn to not jump so quick when wants something because that's what I'm used to it.
" control issues" going on that may need addressing. You and the siblings,family members will have to decide about setting appropriate healthy boundaries for your own well being also. You may also want to confer with an Elder Law Attorney to educate oneself on the specifics of responsibilities with aging parents. And/ or at any point you or anyone else can choose to make an anonymous call ( or identity self) to APS , Adult Protective Services and report the behaviors, concerns, hygiene issues, potential safety issues etc etc and let APS take it from there and make home visit ti hus apt which may or may not be announced. Practice good self care.
Spell it out exactly - what you’ll do & won’t do - and tell him this is how it’s going to be. Nicely, thoughtfully and FIRMLY. These folk never realize that one person cannot do it all. You have to stand up for yourself, and it’s not easy with parents, I know. Strength, courage & good luck!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have printed out the whole exchange, and am going to read and underline all the good advice you've gotten.
You are a person, too, with rights and needs equal to your dad's. You clearly have such a kind heart; it may be too late to help your dad, but for the sake of the rest of the world, and your son and your husband, please put yourself first. (Now, I just have to try to follow that advice myself ...)
Praying for you.
You got me crying this morning. I hope things get better for your situation as well. Prayers for you!! And thank you!
boundaries with him
and intervene . It sounds like the death of your Mom was never discussed. You have replaced your Mother and sister .He maybe better off in assisted living with a community to make friends
I do agree though. I do not think he ever really dealt with my mother's death. And then he found out after she passed that she was making arrangements to leave him. Which breaks my heart and I never understood why but now that I'm older, I understand.
“I feel terrible even mentioning any of this”. You aren’t terrible. Brain-washed and a bit stupid, perhaps. What can you do about that feeling? Counselling?
“I hope this doesn't make me a bad daughter”. There are no rules for a ‘good daughter’, or for what makes a ‘bad daughter’. You are a daughter, obviously, but good or bad is a different matter. Obviously, for one parent you could be ‘good’, even ‘very good, a life saver’, while the other says you are ‘bad’. And each is a parent! You need to set your own standards, to be ‘good enough’ based on your own situation.
“I love him so much”. The guy is horrible to you. Why do you have to ‘love him so much’? You have had it drummed into you that you must, just must, love your father. I certainly didn’t love mine, for very good reasons. He stayed my father, and I stayed in limited contact, but it wasn’t anyone’s idea of ‘love’.
“I’m so tired of it”. That’s the best statement out of all of this. See if you can get some real sleep, without living in this nightmare.
Lots of love and support, Margaret
It is physically and mentally exhausting.
I've told him how his comments make me feel but he will say that he was just playing and didn't mean nothing by it so I quite saying anything about it.
I've breifly mentioned hiring someone to come in and help and he shot that down real quick. He said that I wouldn't make it in the old days where family came together to help one another in a time of need and kids are supposed to be there for their parents. He thinks it's foolish of me to want to hire someone. I was even going to pay for it myself.
As far as reading things, he may have an issue with his brain/eyes but I don't think so. He's always been that way wanting me to do it for him. He gets his eyes checked regularly. When I'm not there to do it for him, he has no problems texting someone, or even me.
I appreciate your words and guidance. I am so happy I accidently came across this page. It's just what I needed.
If you are the praying type, please say a little prayer for me.
I'm taking y'alls advice. I know it won't be easy to start with, but it's not easy the way it currently is either.
Tell your father you will only be doing x y and z for him. The rest he needs to figure out. Do not make yourself so available.
He is 57. Can you please tell us what medical issues he has?
Your not responding on Forum makes me wonder if some of this is perhaps your own skewed thinking. You mention that you are "doing so much" and that it is "never enough".
I would like to suggest that you seek a few hours of help in therapy. I think it might do you a world of good and give you some answers you are seeking.
I am caring for my father, living at home with depression, diabetes, heart disease, and lung disease.
Other posters have made some great points. I'll add three others.:
1) What if your Mom and Sister were looking down from above, and seeing what is going on, and you could hear from them on what they think about it. What would they say? Would they want you to continue with this situation?
2) You had mentioned that you may feel guilt and regret if your dad died while the relationship was not on a pleasant note. I've gone through this feeling before. and sense of fear, obligation and potential guilt. However can I give you something else to think about: what if you continue giving all this time to your dad, spending relatively little with your 8 year old, then when your 8 year old grows up there are some issues that possibly could have been prevented had you been able to spend more time with him. Would you not feel even more guilt/ regret for that?! Not being with your son when he needed you the most? As others have said, our main caregiving focus should be our children and spouse, not parent!
3) As a start, what if you went out of town, as far away as possible for 2-4 weeks. That may be a start. He's going to have to figure out how to manage on his own. Tell him you are going on vacation. Or if you need to, fib and say its a 1 month work assignment or something. THen, when you come back, shift to a "new mode" where you visit much less often. .....
The part about losing time with my son really hit home. I've never thought of it that way but it's a great point. My son is my world! I just pray I never do my son the way my father is doing me. I strive to be better.
I do fear that my son will see my feelings towards my father and feel the same way towards him. I want him to be able to form him own opinion of him, if that makes sense.
Since I last posted, I have cut back on talking with my dad. Let's hope he doesn't try to make me feel guilty about it.
I really appreciate your guidance.
Your father ruined your sister’s childhood, and quite possibly contributed to her early death. He is 20 years younger than I am, a lazy liar, and he should be planning for his own old age. 'Run off and leave him', as fast as you can.
The part about contributing to my sister's death early - That really hit home! I have been told that before and never really thought much of it. Now, an outsider looking in and saying the same thing really hits me. It may be true. I remember my sister saying at a young age that she feared she would be on her death bed with hurt feelings towards him because of the way he done things. I never thought about it until you mentioned it. I tried to block out, I suppose. He was worser on her than he was me, until she passed away. But still was rough.
I feel terrible even mentioning any of this. I hope this doesn't make me a bad daughter. I love him so much but I'm so tired of it. I'm very thankful I have a place I can speak freely about it anonymously.
I appreciate you!