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I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother full time at in her home with no Respite! She is 92 and what has put me in this situation is her latest bout with a severe CHF attack. She was hospitalized on 2 occasions back to back for CHF and went into rehab both times (from Nov. 28 2013-Jan27 2014). My situation is I agreed to stay with her get her on her feet on a short term basis of only a week or two (as I have done in the past with her). Just that this time it is now two months and counting and she still needs round the clock assistance with all daily living activities, personal grooming and dressing, assistance in the bathroom, driving her to all of her Dr. Appointments, cooking all meals and medication management and dispensing. She is a good person and I love her but feel her family is now taking full advantage of me. She has congestive heart failure, AFIB, lung cancer, COPD, Sleep Apnea, bladder cancer, incontinence issues, mobility issues that now has her using a walker, she is not steady on her feet and has problems with her balance even with her walker. I am super frustrated at this point because no long term plans are being made for her care and she clearly needs round the clock assistance and none of her children are helping or making any plans! I have told my boyfriend that I am exhausted and need a break and his response is you can do more! Her daughter lives in Texas and hasn't offered to help or come out to visit in any way shape or form but wants her mother to travel to her in the summer to stay a few weeks while her 5 grandchildren and others will be staying at there too at the same time. This is not a solution at all. Currently she is getting a second round of PT and OT provided to her in her home. These therapies with this new outfit have just started and could last up to 90 days. I've been with her for 61 already and don't think I can do another 90! I have had discussions with my friend personally and told her how tired I am and why haven't her grown children made any long term care arrangements for her. she simple replies I don't know why. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home, doesn't want to hire any kind of help or aide to elevate me in anyway and I feel so alone and trapped! Her sons won't take care of her (other than occassionally sitting with her for 2 hrs so I can see my doctors one of which is a shrink and I am now on 60mg Prozac and kolonapin to help ease my clinical depression). I have no legal rights to her care yet everyone in her family has just left me to do everything. I am very concerned and shocked at her children's behavior with the wait and see if mom gets independent approach. Her regular md is aware that I am the only one caring for her and he is my Dr. And sees the toll it is taking on my life. I have a 19 yr old daughter living at my house that rarely gets to see me and feels lonely. I simply don't know what more to do to make it clear that enough is enough! I care about my friends safety and well being and if I go her plan is to stay on her own. This would be very dangerous. The only thing I can think that will help me out if this is the therapy that has been prescribed to her is now from her regular md and he is now going to monitor and assess her needs. Hopefully by end of April he will have enough info to prescribe her care! And then maybe she and her family will listen. She has some money to hire respite but chooses not to. She pays a cleaning lady (who is a distant family member) 120 a week to come in a clean an already clean house and do 1 load of laundry. Ashe makes to much to apply for medicaid. Sooooo what gives! Any suggestions on how I can be even more persistent for a long term plan to be made for her and how I can get some much needed relief and get my life back! I am 40 and not even engage to this women's son but have been dating him for 14 years. This... I feel should no longer be my responsibility. I am on disability due to a 3 level back fusion I had about a year and half ago with daily pain and clinical depression. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months and feel further depressed, trapped and now resentful. Help any suggestions?

I am caring for my friend, who is 92 years old, living at home and the primary ailment is heart condition / stroke.

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Go home to your kid. Tell your boyfriend the free ride is over and HE and HIS family need to take care of his mom. Just a thought, but how would he treat you if you need care in the future? You have a long life left to live and you are under to much stress already. Pack up your stuff, tell them in advance your SHORT timeframe for leaving (so they can make other arrangements) and then leave and go home. Your home. To Your kid who also needs you. Take your time rating up. Then talk to the shrink about your relationship with the boyfriend who left you in this boat and told you to row it by yourself. You step out , and if they don't step up, call APS for her.
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I would run from him and his family. If he is not listening to your concerns and his mother needs more help, let go and let him deal with it for week. I bet that would be a game changer. No one who is not legally a part of this family should take on this responsibility.
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Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat to your boyfriends mother and take care of your daughter. No man is worth hanging onto in your situation. If you are doing this because of of your disabilty and finances, then your so called boyfriend is using you as a means to find someone desperate enough to take on his responsibilities. I may sound cruel, but I am only going on what you are saying and using common sense in your situation.
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you are not the bad guy here HER FAMILY are the ones that have not stepped up and are taking advantage of you. they should be the ones feeling guilty and the bad guy.
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14 years! and with no commitment. And taking care of his mother. The solution is simple. The "boyfriend" should stay with his own mother and you should be with your daughter. I would put that boyfriend on the road with a "good riddance to bad rubbish." Some choices of mates are bad choices and it's best to just be rid of them. I wouldn't even give notice. I would go home and send him to his mother. The shame is on him and not you.
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I am afraid that I really don't understand your question at the end of your vent. Any suggestions? was the question right? I think you got really good suggestions. You did say that going home would be going home to your BF. So what's wrong with that?
You are not doing anything wrong in caring for someone that means a lot to you. But in your own words, you are burnt. I suppose the alternative is to continue doing what you are doing, die before her and then you will be free……..sorry, but tough love is blunt.
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I do think calling anyone a doormat is a crass way to respond. It could be hurtful. I'm sorry anyone laid that on you. However, I agree with what others said in response to what you wrote. It is time for the direct family to step up. I have the feeling that if you were less available that they would do something. As far as they are concerned, everything is covered right now.

My response to get out of a bad relationship was after reading you've been dating for 14 years and are not even engaged. I just did the math and saw you started dating him when you were 26 and now you're 40 with no long-term commitment. Of course, we on the group don't know the fine details, but what you described doesn't sound like a good situation at all. If you are satisfied with it, though, is what matters.

Glad you are looking to finding some care for your boyfriend's mother. She sounds to me like she may be eligible for hospice. They could help tremendously if you think it would be good to go that route.
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Thanks! The door mat
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Pack. Up. And. Leave. Move to a different island at least if not to the mainland. Change your phone numbers. You are being used, not loved, and your "boyfriend" is a user and a loser. You are a far better person than he will ever be. You want to give him and his mom notice go ahead, as long as it is not just a chance for them to talk you out of it. Show this all to your "shrink," and I hope he or she is a GOOD one. That's a lot of Prozac, and more of the same is NOT the answer.
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Sweet pea, you may not realize it, but you presented your story as if you were being thoroughly used, neglected, and blown off in all your concerns though you are at the absolute breaking point and your health in ruins. It would have been hard for us to see it any other way! If that's not really the case and the situation is salvageable and boyfriend has his merits even though he won't make a commitment, why so "burnt"? Just food for thought, and maybe the perspective could make a difference in how you think of your current and foreseeable future life. But yes, doing anything you can to reduce stress on yourself if you are not up for making a big change makes sense.
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