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My mom completed a durable, healthcare, power of attorney and named me as primary agent years ago. However, last year she received her second neuropsych eval, and was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Her POA was activated right then and there. I did not even fully understand what that meant as far as me. But in the explanation given in the notes from the neuropsych eval, it made it clear that my mother could no longer make any medical decisions for herself. In the actual letter, it stated that she was not competent enough to do so. However, in the additional notes , the psychiatrist noted under a suggestion that my mom should not make any medical, legal, or financial decisions on her own.


My mom has been given a 30 day notice from the adult family home that she has been residing in for only four months. This will now make her third 30 day notice in three years. Each time it has been due to her behavior. She is verbally, aggressive, accusatory, and paranoid. She has been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, schizoaffective disorder, and anxiety, and is cognitively impaired.. And this is in addition to her already having diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease.


I am reaching complete burnout state. I know this because every other day I am reduced to tears after dealing with her. At times I feel like my head is going to explode off of my neck. She is making every decision I make, completely difficult. I feel as though she is sabotaging every thing I am doing to try and help her.


What’s worse, they don’t even want mom to move to their state. I am the one who receives all of the phone calls, all of the emails, and experiences all of the drama associated around caring for my mother.


Since this last and most recent 30 day notice, I have decided that she should no longer live in an adult family home. We had also tried a SIL, supported independent, living apartment, and that did not work, because she said her kitchen on fire twice, and was even verbally abusive to the staff there. Hence her getting a 30 day notice from there as well. So now I am trying to find a CBRF for her to live in. The problem is she has an emotional support animal, her cat, snowball. It has become increasingly difficult to find a residence that will take her cat. am I wrong for wanting her to get placed somewhere even if it means she could no longer keep her cat? We now are 20 days away from when she needs to move. And her insurance/case manager has said that she has found three places so far that will not except her due to her having the pet. After all of the stress that I have been through these past decades, I do not want to be present when it is time for her to move. And I certainly don’t want to be present or be the one to tell her that she cannot keep her cat. I feel like I have endured enough emotionally. Over the weekend, my mother went behind my back and was trying to see if she could get an apartment by herself. When I spoke with her case manager about this, the case manager told me that it does not matter if her POA has been activated. That if I want her to move to a CBRF, but that my mom wants to move to her own apartment Dash then, they are under obligation to support my mother’s wishes. If that is the case, then what is the point of having an activated POA?

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I think it sounds like it's time for you to step away, resign your POA and let the state take guardianship.

You lose control, but gain sanity.
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Yes, tell the SW you will be revoking your POA. That your health is being effected by your Mom. She is mentally ill and needs to be somewhere her meds will be given on a regular basis. Tell the SW that the State can be responsible for Moms care.
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Every once in a while someone's post gets me fired up. And this is one of those posts.

"She is verbally, aggressive, accusatory, and paranoid. She has been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, schizoaffective disorder, and anxiety, and is cognitively impaired.."

" I have always been her caregiver. Decades now. I am married almost 20 years and have no children of my own. I work PT and am a FT volunteer in the community."

"My mother had BPD and Depression and Schizoaffctive Disorder and I have lived my entire childhood suffering her erratic and dysfunctional behavior."

Your siblings aren't going to do anything or care because you've always been the solution. I am, quite frankly, appalled that the case manager will let Sharlene rent her own apartment, knowing her diagnoses!

YOU HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH. You DESERVE to step away permanently. Relinquish your POA and let the state take charge. If any of your sibs start squawking, tell them they can become her POA/HCPOA.

The heck with Snowball moving in with her. Tell the case manager to buy her a stuffed cat.

You are only 45...PLEASE remove yourself from this awful situation. You deserve a better life.

And PLEASE update us -- we will be your cheerleaders as you take the steps to extricate yourself from this awful situation.

(Many posters come on here and never really make any changes...they are really just here for "tea and sympathy," as I like to say. But I think that YOU are one of the ones who actually WILL make the necessary changes to get yourself to a much better and healthier life!)
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Bottom line rescind your POA and go on with your life. She will not change and you do not need to be dealing with such a toxic person. You've done the best you could, leave it at that.
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Duplicate question
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DrainedDaughter Mar 2023
Yeah I did that on accident. I saw under other people’s posts they had multiple “tags” and mine only gave me the option of one. Also, I’m new here. Literally joined a few hours ago.
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