He is very unsteady. He relies on the grocery cart to walk. After a while he becomes very weak and we have to hold him up so he doesn’t fall. We go shopping 2 days a week. He is very stubborn. Seems like he can’t accept the fact that he doesn’t walk well anymore. We are supposed to go shopping tomorrow. I am already stressing out.
Stop holding him up in the store , that’s absolutely ridiculous. Your husband needs to put his foot down with his Dad .
Maybe you can compromise, find smaller stores to get him out in once a week. Although my mom still doesn't like it wants to go out more, wants to go to Walmarts, which she just can't do, and doesn't see that. But we just do what we can, and the best we can with what we are given
Getting out to these little stores is what keeps her going, makes her feel apart of the world, gives her exercise. It will be hard on her when that's gone
We took my father in law to Cosco a few times at his request . We told him he had to sit in the wheelchair . I pushed him , hubby pushed the shopping cart . Father in law would buy only one thing . It wasn’t worth the long drive for him to only buy one thing . So we switched and only took him to small stores where he could walk until that was too difficult . He was very unsteady and legs weak . Then we told him he would have to sit in the wheelchair everytime we took him out , even to go out to the diner. The handicapped ramps even got too difficult for him to walk , we had to hold onto him . He could only do flat ground. Hubby and I decided we weren’t dealing with him falling when we took him out from his assisted living facility . He sat in the wheelchair the whole time he was out with us no matter where we went . We only went very local to one place per outing , and brought him back to his facility , as he could not be managed in a public bathroom either . We left his walker in his room.
Those that need help ( your in laws ) need to be the ones to compromise . You have to stop letting them rule. You have to do things the way it makes it easier on you . You’re going to burn out.
I know this has been hard for you .
Your husband needs to tell them that he’s not holding him up in a store or picking him up off the floor when he falls in the store . No big discussions . “ This is how it is Dad . Sit in the wheelchair or stay home . “ Since he’s so stubborn about what store to go to and brands to buy plus he sounds like his walking is really bad already , I don’t even think I would bother dealing with the complaints about a smaller store .
The people I took shopping didn’t complain about going to a smaller store. And when they wanted something from a big store that I ALREADY regularly went to for myself, I would pick up some things they wanted as well . You can also online shop have things delivered. I tried not to go out of my way to a lot of different stores for them. That’s unreasonable.
Holding him up is rediculous. I've said the same to my MIL. She says she 'doesn't need a cane as she can hold onto people'. I just laugh & say no-one looks *younger* being held up other people!
Options;
Stay home.
Bring wheels.
Sit & wait on a bench.
He *maybe* could sit & wait on a bench out front while you shopped inside.. IF he was agreeable & trustable to stay put...?
Or maybe use a wheeler with a seat for when he tires? Or skip that & go straight for a wheelchair.
I'd hire both a wheeler & wheelchair for a month to trial.
If he is unwilling to trial wheels or sit & wait - his remaining option is to stay home.
Sometimes it becomes less about 'convincing' people & more about only providing options you agree with.
Try it and tell us what happens.
You don't need to do what they tell you. You are in charge of your home, your car and your time.
Instead of outright saying no, you can tell him you've always wanted to try online grocery delivery (like InstaCart). Start an order for yourself and have him watch you. Suggest you order his stuff too, while you're at it. Then he will see the groceries come right to the door on the same day. This removes the reason for going to the store (and if you continue to do online grocery shopping, he should pay for or at least share the cost of the subscription). Then you have the option of taking him for a drive (with a walker) and going somewhere that you feel comfortable taking him. But it's ok to not take him anywhere if he refuses to at least use a walker or get in a wheelchair.
Recently my family went to FL with my 94-yr old Mom to visit her sister. We were planning on going to the zoo one of the days and I asked my Mom if she would like to come too, on the condition she use a wheelchair. She agreed (and you have to know my Mom understand what a milestone this was). My 2 adult sons (her grandsons) were with us pushing her and fawning over her, so she had a great time.
If all else fails you will just need to keep saying no and then changing the subject or walking away. I'm going to guess you're someone who doesn't like "uncomfortable" conversations (aka confrontations) and I don't blame you for dreading his angry reaction. Irrational stubbornness is a dementia behavior, not a personality trait that he can now control. Look at him through the lens of cognitive decline: people with dementia lose empathy for others, even those they are very close to. They lose their reason and logic and ability to make good judgments, therefore you won't ever be able to convince him. Eventually he will stop expecting to be taken to unsafe places without a walker or wheelchair.
You get to set the rules, not him. The caregiving arrangment must accommodate you, the caregiver.
Take him out maybe twice a month, no need to take him out twice a week, makes no sense since he is so unsteady, your propping him up makes him feel like he can do this and is independent, which he is not. You are his crutch.
He is making bad decisions don't support him, others obviously have to start making good decisions for him before something terrible happens.
I have memberships with Walmart and Amazon. One yearly fee, unlimited “free” delivery. No contact with the delivery person, tip (or not) charged to the credit card. The store shoppers do as good a job as I could in choosing items.
I haven’t been inside a food store, Costco or Walmart since March 16, 2020. I highly recommend this better way - it’s much less stressful than the way we used to do it.
I would tell him he is making you a nervous wreck and you will not take him UNLESS he agrees to a sit down walker option or to pushing a w/c in front of him.
Only you can decide how dangerous this is, and once you know it is TOO dangerous that's it. For him this is a much loved "outing". For you it is trying to get in the groceries without putting out your back.
You tell him where you will take him, and that you will do so with a wheelchair with you so he can sit when he needs to. You decide, but do know that his determination now is likely what is keeping him from being bedridden. Clearly he loves these outings.
I know there comes a time. I trust you to decide when and what and to just lay down the law and level with him honestly.
As I always say of caregivers, they go from being a son or a daughter or a husband or a wife to being caregivers, the "deciders" as Geo. Bush used to say. You have to make the decision. Sorry. It means one more loss for him, but you know best what is right here.
When my dad was wobbly, we took him to Walgreens to buy a cane. We wouldn't take him out w/o his cane. Then it was a walker. When he refused to use it, we refused to take him out. He broke his hip shortly thereafter and passed 10 months later after having to go into Assisted Living. Choices have consequences, unfortunately. While we cannot monitor their choices 24/7, we sure CAN set down rules for taking them out that we won't break. Period.
Offer him the WalMart+ plan to shop at home and have his groceries and other necessities delivered and/or shipped to him for free. The service is $98 a year. There is a $35 minimum food order for free delivery, and no minimum for free shipping which saves $6.99 per order. Tipping for delivery is optional. I've used WM+ for a year now and it's excellent. I use it bc I'm too debilitated and dizzy to go shopping in person. It is a fact and I accept it.
This man isn’t holding a gun to your head and making you take him shopping.
It is them hanging on by their fingernails to being a part of a community. That and church and maybe a hair salon/barber shop are the only outings besides medical for most at his advanced age.
When DH aunt (97)has her Telemed with her geriatric primary, I dread that question. What is she doing for fun? Ugh. Not much I have to admit as she is bedfast, on hospice and in a NH (all of which the doc knows), but I was happy to report this last time that she now goes to the dining room for lunch and hangs out (sleeps) in her new wheelchair in the tv lounge with two other old ladies.
We had quit the grocery store long before she went into facility care. She would throw her cane in the shopping cart and inch through the isles. But she did that on her own. I didn’t walk beside her. She had a church friend that took her to mass on Saturday afternoons and still brings her communion each week. She had a daily aide who was a buddy so we did work on that aspect but hard to do. Even in a facility for the bedfast it can be hard.
I would contact his doctor and ask for home health and physical therapy paid for by his insurance. Let the therapist tell him how far he is safe to walk and whether he needs a cane or walker and how to use it. This will give him interaction with others and get him accustomed to more hands on care as he declines. You will see an improvement in his strength.
Let him know your health doesn’t allow to prop him up and he needs to walk on his own or stay home. The therapy being a bit of a compromise.
BTW if he walks into doc appointments from the car and showtimes that he is good on walking, that’s not much of a test, so make sure the doc knows that isn’t a fair assessment.
When the parent lives to 93+, the kids are seniors themselves. And it might not be FIL who breaks the first hip or receives the first compression fracture. Advocate for your own health and well-being.
Also make sure you and your DH are getting out w/o FIL on the regular. It will give you more patience with him. You don’t need his permission.
You may just be done with all things FIL. I certainly understand if that’s the case.
You might also invest in an oximeter to check his O2 and pulse when he gets to that weak stage. He may not have enough oxygen to walk etc. I suggest this only to offer perspective as to what is truly going on. Many grocery stores have a BP/pulse checking booth on site. This would be helpful info for the doctor or therapist.
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If shopping is important as an outing, socialization then maybe one of these options might work:
Some stores have shopping carts that have large seats for "special needs" people your FIL could ride while shopping if your store has a cart like this.
If the store has a "wheelchair" shopping cart, one that a person in a wheelchair can easily push if you get him a transport chair then he could still shop.
Last option would be one of the electric carts that stores have.
You can also bring a motorized wheelchair cart out from the store to the side of the car your Dad is sitting at, and help him onto the motorized cart directly without using a transport chair.
So time to tell FIL, if he wants to go shopping its in the shopping electric carts or he buys a scooter. Otherwise, u won't take him.
The only thing you CAN change is your mindset and how you approach it with him. Save your energy convincing him and just let him know what will be going forward ...such as how exciting it'll be because groceries are being delivered to his door going forward and it's safer and saves time - that's it! You can spin it into something positive!
If it’s too difficult or nerve wracking to transfer him in and out of the car then he stays home and gives you a shopping list.
This is part of the resistance and cognitive brain changes that require another to take control and do what is needed for the welfare of a loved one.
You do not 'try' to convince. (They is NO convincing)
You do not argue.
You listen and then you do what is needed.
You do not take him shopping anymore.
You take him for car rides.
You never ever let him lean on / use a cart for the support he needs. Never.
This is an accident waiting to happen.
If you take him anywhere walking is required, he uses a walker or whatever is needed.
Yes, you will be stressed out (until) you take control of the situation.
Now, you are letting him dictate to you how you need to behave and what to do 'for him.' You need to turn this around and take control, realizing that there is 'no reasoning' with an elder who is not only stubborn and resistant due to wanting to maintain independence .. he THINKS / BELIEVES that he is okay to do what he wants to do - he cannot. This is likely a part of dementia.
Be compassion and firm.
Know what you need to do and do it.
Expect him to resist and be verbally combative (or at least express verbally his stubbornness)
Know you are doing the right behavior by taking control even if it feels strange or wrong / disrespectful. This IS new behavior for you - it is not easy. It is admitting that he can't handle his life as he has been ... he is declining ... he needs more help to keep going and staying safe. This is a loss for you, too. If as you need, get into therapy. This is, in a way, a slow grieving.
As you take control and do what is in his best interests, the stress(ors) will lessen although there will be more / different ones. You do the best you can, while also taking care of yourself:
- exercise
- meditate
- journal writing (if a good exercise / stress reliever for you)
- eat healthy / healthier more of the time
- get out / have fun with friends or go to a museum, special event
- get caregivers in 1-2 days / week or more. You need to have respites (time off)
- Find / use your 'tribes' - networks that support you
Gena / Touch Matters
Would he be well enough to operate one of these safely? If the answer is 'yes' then problem solved. He can still go to the grocery store without having to walk around.
If he's at the point where it's not possible to transfer him from the car to the scooter or wheelchair, then his shopping days are over.
There's no reason for you to be stressing out about it. It is what it is.
So the choices are make a list of things he wants and they will be purchased, or do without.
You DO NOT have to listen to complaining or tolerate a moment of stubbornness.
If you say you can't bring him shopping anymore, you're not bringing him shopping anymore and he will just have to accept it.
My wife passed in 2022 after 54 years together. She had Crones. She was a registered nurse for 50 years.