He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?
You can and should feel sad that your dad is so diminished. But you didn't cause this decline, so no guilt.
Have a special event before and/or after that will be manageable for dad. If he gets upset, say "sorry, Dad, I can't manage the logistics".
Just tune out his grumbling after that.
Have a smaller, separate celebration with your daughter & Grandpa.
Have fun and allow yourself that opportunity.
IF your sister insists that your father should come along (not saying she will, just throwing it out there as a possibility), then make HER his caretaker. Not you.
Best of Luck!
Your daughter’s ONLY High School Graduation. DO NOT allow it to be altered in any way except to please and honor her.
We opted to show him the online version afterwards so that we could just fastforward to the parts where our daughters could be seen. Walking in, walking across the stage and getting their diplomas, etc.
This is your daughter's day. There is no reason to spend the entire day distracted with his needs if you don't have to. You should be able to spend that time focused on her.
These big graduations are LONG!! Ours for 400 students was almost 3 hours (and the announcer barely took a breath between names)....and you couldn't go in until the school before finished (and waited in line outside for an hour to get in!)....and you couldn't linger because another school was right on your heels.
For what it's worth, when we showed him the playback...he barely paid attention. He asked multiple times what he was watching. He doesn't have any mental capacity issues. Just vision. So he wouldn't have been able to see at the actual grad anyway. He had a better chance on his computer!! And he had very little interest in the few minutes we showed him. I can't imagine what would have happened if we tried to take him for 3 hours (PLUS the line)!!!
It was a nightmare! She had health issues flare up unexpectedly and required a great deal of our attention and energy; it was very stressful. And, as others have said, it was very difficult navigating the wheelchair in the gym, and it also limited where we could sit.
I think she actually felt much worse than she told us; and, had she known how hard it would be on both her and us, she would have much rather stayed at home. I love my mom dearly, but I really regret that we took her with us.
I think the decision you've made to not take your father with you is very wise - especially since your daughter herself is concerned about what may happen. We were fortunate that we were able to keep the stresses due to Mom's health "under the radar", so my daughter wasn't aware of the problems until after the ceremony was over; but I don't think there's any way in the world that your father's needs and behavior wouldn't cause your daughter (and you and your Dad) a lot of distress on her big day.
Go, enjoy, celebrate! And congratulations to your daughter :)
Your father doesn't sound like he's quite there yet, but he does sound like he's at the point where he could not handle a big crowd.
I'm going to speak plainly to you. He will be an embarrassment to your daughter and your family. If he already has anger problems and issues with inappropriate behavior and comments, what do you think is going happen in a stadium full of people?
God forbid if one of the graduates getting a diploma isn't attractive. Or maybe there's overweight students graduating? Or students of different races and colors?
Don't ruin their day. Leave him at home.
As said, this is your daughters day and she is uncomfortable about him coming. She will be anxious and not be able to enjoy her own graduation if you take him.
My parents watched my kids' graduations live on YouTube in the comfort of my cousin's living room. I know my dad would have preferred to be there in person, but my mom couldn't manage it. It also prevented her from making a scene when they mispronounced my daughter's (and my mom's) middle name -- a totally common name. 🙄
I can completely understand why she is worried - and honestly - this answer is all I really need to know. SHE doesn't want him there. That should be what you go by. SHE is worried that YOU will miss her walk across the stage. It won't matter if you miss it or not. It won't matter if your eyes are on her the entire time. Because if he is there - she will spend the ENTIRE ceremony - worrying that you have been pulled away. She won't know until AFTER whether you were able to see her graduate. Because her entire ceremony will be spent - for her - worrying. Which means - if he is there - for her - the entire ceremony will probably be ruined - she won't enjoy it. Even if you and the rest of the family do. And that's not really fair to her.
If I'm honest - she may worry anyway - whether he is there or not - because she may worry that your phone will ring and he will be calling and need you. Or that he may have to go to the ER at just the wrong moment. Or any number of reasons why he could interrupt her graduation. But at least this particular fear you can put at ease ahead of time.
Excellent points. I totally forgot about the possiblity of the "freak out" at the last minute so the OP misses the graduation entirely and the senior is the center of attention once again.
This happens even when there isn't dementia. My mother is famous for it. Having "chest pains" is one of her favorite go-to's.
She pulled this one when I was loading my luggage into the car to leave for my friend's three-day Indian wedding.
Her reasoning was could I catch another flight and just take her to the ER?
She knew full well that a flight like that is very expensive even when it's booked far in advance.
I went anyway and had the time of my life. That was a long time ago. My mother is still around and still pulling the "freak out" crap.
Also I can imagine sitting on metal or even wood bleachers is not comfortable.
I am sure there will be a party after. Is there a way that you could get 1 or 2 family members to stay at your house, where I presume a party will be, and set up. Dad can help with the set up. Tell him you need him to help.
If this is not possible then just tell him that There are not enough seats and the family will have a celebration the night before.
If he does not come the day of the graduation I would suggest that your daughter stop by the AL in her cap and gown with her diploma to see him.
Why not try to include him in a quiet celebration at home after the celebration itself?
Take photos and share them with him afterwards. If he grumbles, too bad. It’s your daughter’s day, not his.
One of my good friends did not invite her mom to her wedding because she would have ruined the wedding. Her mom still complains to everyone about not being invited many years later.
Everyone has told her mom that she would have been invited if she hadn’t tried to run the show and be the center of attention.
She was selfish and couldn’t allow her daughter to plan her special wedding day. I find it despicable when a mother tries to compete with her daughter.
Show your daughter that it is her special day and that you wouldn’t risk ruining it for anything in the world.
A few short years ago I was in your shoes. My son was graduating from high school and I did not want to be caretaker for my parents on that day. I just didn't want to deal with them and enjoy a huge event in my child's life. In my case, my son asked me to not bring them so I respected his request. Yes, there was a major senior brat meltdown but I stood my ground. If you are frustrated
by your dad's behavior so is your daughter. She is tired of grandpa too. You know your dad's limitations. Let your dad be upset and do what you would like to do. Don't let him ruin your daughter's day.
Patathome01
If he gets upset, then he just gets upset. Let him have his own emotions - don't take them on yourself. You're not being unkind.
Having him at the dinner the night before would be very nice.
Here's my experience with that sort of thing:
In 2019, my daughter wanted to have Thanksgiving at her new home and I was thrilled to hand it off to her. My mother was living with me back then (still is) and was still able to get out. So off we went. You know what happened? My mother almost ruined the day. I wanted to stay awhile after the meal to help my daughter clean up and to visit with everyone. But that was not be enjoyed. My mother would not stop complaining about wanting to leave. So I cut the visit short and we left. Then? She launched into me and fussed me out the entire drive home (about 15 minutes) because I made her stay longer than she wanted to stay. Ugh.
So my advice is to leave your father out of the graduation day and don't accept any false guilt about doing that. You don't get this day back and y'all deserve to be able to celebrate happily.
Peace.
Why would you ever tolerate that nonsense? When a senior brat has a tantrum and is acting up, you handle it the same way you would when it's a child.
When the complaining started up, you should have found a quiet corner of the house, put a chair in it and sat her down in it. Then everyone ignore her until she's either ready to behave and join in the party, or YOU ARE ready to leave.
My mother pulled exactly this at our family reunion last year.
She wanted to go home about two hours in and started giving one of her 'performances'. I gave her a choice. She could go stay in the car until I'm ready to go, get someone else to take her home, or we can call an ambulance and have her taken to the ER to get checked out. She didn't dare start up with her usual verbal abuse, nastiness, and complaining because there were people around. Most of my family knows what she's about and no one paid her performance any attention. So she switched performances and started playing the martyr one instead by going and waiting alone in the car. That lasted about half an hour because no one went to her and there was no attention. So she came back to the picnic area and sat in silence with her head down for a couple of hours. No one ignored her like she wasn't even there. Everyone ignored the performance. She was offered good food and drink that she refused. No one was going to beg or coax her to eat. No one was going to indulge her by listenening to any complaining or villifying of me. A few hours later when I was ready to go, we left. She was silent the whole way home (over an hour drive).
This is how you handle a senior brat. You don't go rushing to take them home. You put them in a corner or in front of a tv and pay them no attention until they stop acting up.
I can say this because I have learned it. I have been caretaker to my father. I can no longer travel with him. We have a family wedding this fall. I’m facing the same ordeal and won’t allow his attendance to monopolize the event.
Don't take him to the wedding. Guaranteed he will ruin the day.
When my niece graduated I was in charge of my mom, I drove her separately, I took her to the lunch afterwards and I took her home when it was time. My brothers job was to enjoy his daughters graduation but my mom isn’t inappropriate and my niece wanted both of us there. She did in fact have a limited number of tickets so the luncheon afterwards (at a restaurant) included the special people she would have liked to invite but couldn’t.
The other option since it’s a stadium and moving in and out of seats might be hard is to have him in a separate “handicap” section or in a seat on the ground with an aid, relative or family friend who can take him home if it gets to be too much, they would take him and be in charge of him you and your sister/family could check in with him before and or afterward if it all works out making him a part of the day but not have to deal with him or his attitude should there be one. It is bound to be far to hectic with all those people so you could have a plan to meet with you daughter afterwards in a certain spot to get a few photos with Grandpa and then his minder takes him home.
All I’m trying to say is it doesn’t have to be a simple “no” and if it is for you it doesn’t have to be presented that way to him but you don’t have to make it happen either if you or your daughter really don’t want to.
Congratulations to your daughter and her parents!
THEN have your granddaughter and grandfather work out a subtle sign when she walks across the stage to let him know she knows he is there with her, like tugging on her ear (like Carol Burnett) or a small wave down low. Trust me he will be thrilled to be in comfortable surroundings at home and your stress level can be reduced. Most importantly your daughter's acknowledgement that he's watching as she crosses the stage will mean more than words can say. Don't forget to meet up with him (with your daughter) after so he can enjoy the excitement. Good luck!