Mom lives by herself and all her kids live many hundreds of miles away. She is losing her ability to deal with her finances. (She thinks she has no money, but has a lot! She withdrew a large sum from the bank after Dad's death and has been living on that cash for 4 years. She has difficulty writing checks and withdrawing money from the bank now.) We tell her what to do over the phone, but she never does it. I sent her power of attorney papers to get signed and notarized, but she doesn't even do that. She refuses to move anywhere near any of us kids, and we cannot move there. She has almost completely isolated herself in her home. Her only friend in town is probably gong to die soon and then she'll have no one. I tried to get her to look at some assisted-living facilities and she about tore my head off. She's in pretty good physical health, but her mind is obviously going, but she doesn't seem to think so and gets upset if any one of us tries to do anything about it. Should we do something drastic like legally wresting control of her life from her?
I wish I could say you had a unique situation, but it's all too common, and very scary for adult children. Generally speaking, people like your mom are more apt to listen to a third party than their children.
Does she have a good doctor who could help her understand the Power Of Attorney issues? Obviously, her friends are dying and can't help. Is there a clergy person she respects? It's hard to think you may have to let her get so bad that you need to call in Social Services for a welfare check, but you may have no choice unless you go to court to have her declared incompetent.
You, perhaps, should talk with an elder law attorney to see if there is any middle ground with her.
Good luck. You aren't alone, but that doesn't make your situation go away.
Take care,
Carol
If she is one of those who just won't, won't, won't do it then you really have no choice but to go the guardianship/conservatorship (G/C) route to take over. G/C is legally very involved and requires going before a judge to be appointed. If you all live far away, the judge could appoint someone local, who is NOT family, to be the guardian. They get paid to do this and it comes out of mom's money. You probalby don't want this to happen as it's hard to undo.
You need an attorney to go thru the G/C process. If you do G/C, the judge will look closely at whether the family is all kum-ba-ya and all on the same page for how to deal with mom. This is really, really important. So you want to make sure that is the case.
Alot of your options are really dependent on what mom's cognitive state is. If she has been diagnosed & it is written in a medical chart, that she HAS dementia, then you can't do any of the advanced planning (like DPOA, MPOA) as she legally cannot enter any agreements.
If you're still in the gray area, where you know she has dementia BUT hasn't been diagnosed, then you can get the advanced planning things needed done:
- Durable Power of Attorney (a Financial Power of Attorney)
- Medical Power of Attorney
- Living Will &/or Advance Directives
- Declaration of Guardian in Event of Incapacity
- HIPAA Waiver
Either way you need an elder care attorney to work with you on mom's behalf.
Will your mom let you sit down and go over her finances? If you could do this before you see an attorney, it would be good. The more information you can provide, the better for all. If she is all paranoid that everyone is out to get her
or in my mom's case "wanting to take over her identity", then you have to really be tendacious to get things done. Good luck
Next talk her into updating her will, once at the lawyers this is the perfect time to also set up DPOA and Medical POA.
It's hard for them to give up control so try the angle that this is so she and you kids won't have to worry about it later, it will make everything easier for everyone. Good Luck.
It is a challenging process. Remembering that it's a process can ease the sense of urgency that exists. You're not alone.