How can I get my sister to help with mother who has dementia and suffered a stroke in 2017, who now lives with me and my spouse?

Plenty of good answers here, but not anything you want to hear. Your sister is not interested, so drop it. You are the one who chose to entangle yourself, so…there you are, until a welcome end comes. May it be soon.

Try to see if your sibling is willing to help in any way possible. She might not be willing to do "hands-on" care but she might lighten your load by providing yardwork, laundry services, running errands, grocery deliveries, or other services - or pay for them. Of course, you may need to just come to terms with the fact that she will not help and that you can not make her. In that case, find help from other sources: other family members, friends, members of faith community, and hired help.

There is nothing you can do, have 4 brother 3 that live close by. The only time they come by is if I shame them into it. Out of the 3 that live by 1 will show up.

I suggest you get someone to come in for help. If you mom has money use it for her care or if she has medicate your mom should get 30 hrs a week care.

Your sister has made her involvement with your mother crystal clear. As little as possible is her preference.

I'm quite sure this is very upsetting to you, but you will never 'make' or 'guilt' your sister into spending more time with your mom.

Are there other siblings, or are you the only one?

This is so difficult. You need time for you, time for your life.

Is your mother able to maintain basic tasks for herself? Is she ill? What are her issues?

It's tough, but you need to try to set boundaries, now. The longer a behavior is allowed, the worse it gets.

I would need to know more about your mom's health, etc., to really be able to give you some solid advice.

For now, however, realize you won't get help from your sister, period. Just take her out of the equation.

Blessings

Who has POA? That is the person who should be making decisions without expecting help from anyone else

Please consult an Elder Law Attorney and request that he/she find you a reputable public guardian.

Don't even try to get your sister help. If she doesn't want to, you don't want her to either.

Get yourself some help. Using mom's money, hire a caregiver. I started with a cleaning lady, then added a few hours a day a few days a week then slowly increased the hours until it was more of a full-time thing.

Welcome to my world. It’s impossible to change siblings that won’t help carry the load. Selfishness is very heavy these days so don’t be surprised if your LO watches you suffer and don’t offer help. Accept it and move on. Look into hiring aides or caregivers to help you. Sister will get what’s coming to her at some point in her own life.

You cannot force your sister.

If your sister had a good relationship with your Mom prior to all of this happening, then there might be a reason why she doesn't want to see Mom. It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to her, she doesn't have the patience with her or any number of reasonable reasons.

However, if your sister had a not so good relationship with your Mom, then there isn't a way to get your sister to contribute.

If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can talk to her about it. However, I doubt she will change.

You do have options, however.
1. If your Mom has the funds, hire a caregiver to help you out.
2. If your Mom doesn't have the funds, look into your state programs to see how they might help with the medical portion of your Mom's care.
3. Look into daytime programs for your Mom so that you get some relief.
4. Look into getting your mother into a Memory Care unit now.

Tough times ahead....

You can't "get" any one to do something they do not want to do.
So change your thought process on that.
Does mom have any funds at all?
If so use HER funds to pay for a caregiver that can come in and help you.
Maybe begin "charging" her for her portion of household expenses might help you as well. These expenses can be documented as part of her care. And you can pay yourself as a caregiver, again this is an expense for her care.

There's nothing you can do. You can't force your sister into becoming a caregiver.
She doesn't want to and that is fine. Guilting or coercing her into it will make things even worse. Dropping your mother off at her house will do no good at all for any of you.

You and your sister need to have a serious talk. Tell her plainly that covering all of your mother's care needs is too much for you without help. The choice is either start helping out with the care, start contributing financially to pay for care (if you want to preserve any potential assets), or help find a care facility to place your mother in.

You made a mistake when taking your mother in to assume that your sister or anyone else would step up and help out with it.
It doesn't work like that.

You cannot make a sibling care for parent. You should puruse any government benefits to help pay for aid, and if parent has any assets, see a lawyer about you getting paid to provide help. You may feel awful doing this, but it is the right thing to do. If your siblings wont help, you need to see if you can hire help.

Unless Pangie can drop her mother off at her sister's for at least a few hours to get a break, chances are it will just be putting even more on Pangie's plate. How easy is it to bring your mother places, Pangie?

Most people do what they want to do and they don't do what they don't want to do.

You can't change your sister. What you want from her comes from her heart and you can't put it there.

My brother (deceased) was the same way. He lived about 1.5 miles away from me. He was only working about 10 hours a week and yet could only manage a phone call.

Age old problem.

Pangie: Take your mother TO see her other daughter. After all, she's just ten minutes away. Don't give any more thought as to your sister's actions as that is on her.

you can't

One thing that perhaps you could do is to take your mother around to see your sister, some time you know that sis is at home. It's only 10 minutes away. That's for your mother's benefit, not yours.

You cannot change other people. Proceed with best arrangements for your mother and yourself without other sister or family help. Your sister or other family will have to live with whatever decisions they make or not make. Continuing to try to convince, beg, coerce , explain to the other sister/ family just creates more anxiety for you and your mother. Stop it. Proceed with PCP referral to a Geriatric Case Manager usually licensed social worker who can assist you and your mother with in home support options or other choices to both help your mother and you.

I am afraid you cannot do anything about your sister. She is selfish and not caring. Cannot change that.
I hope you have Power of Attorney for your mom and not your sister.

Good luck. My mother has lived with us for over 20 yrs. My sister who helped and lived close by, died of cancer this past year. My oldest brother won't come over unless he can bring his crazy dog and my other brother...too busy to stop by, maybe 1 or 2 times a month. " I own a company and don't have the time" He's on a golf course or at his private box at sporting events. She made him her POA because in her words, He's good with money. Sorry this topic strikes a nerve. My husband was an only child & grandchild. I really feel for him. I feel your pain. Again good luck ❤️

A tiger doesn't change its stripes.............please seek out a companion/care taker through Care.com and/or Visiting Angels.

I respectfully submit my answer. I have early onset Alzheimer’s, Im 56.
When it became clear that I couldn’t handle what was happening with my brain by myself, my son & daughter-in-law encouraged me to move 1000miles to their state where they could help me. It’s been 18 months & increasingly they’ve pulled back from helping me, even to the point of claiming my numerous doctors & neurologists have gotten every scan, assessment, testing session etc wrong, including the 2nd opinions who concurred with the original diagnosis.
All of that is to say, I have finally accepted that I can’t MAKE them want to help me through this time. I do get that it is overwhelming & different people handle it in different ways- some by completely avoiding it, some by doing all they can & some by being somewhere in between.
As a result, I am finding every resource available (including someone to help me find & apply for resources) so that I don’t burden them & so their last years with me hopefully aren’t full of resentment.
My son keeps asking why “this” (my diagnosis) happened to him & stating how unfair it is. While I REALLY want him to be in a different mindset, I can’t do anything about that. AND, I don’t think I can fully understand why it’s sooo difficult for him. Maybe because I was ALWAYS such a rock of strength & a caregiver for others- it may be hard for him to accept & see me like this…. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer of why it’s hard for them.

So, maybe there are resources to give you & your family a break. There are even people who will volunteer their time to come & be with someone who has Alzheimer’s for a while & maybe they can do that while you do what you need to for a little while.
I wish you the best

This is your sister’s decision. She is not going to do something she clearly does not want to do. If she doesn’t come to see your mother she doesn’t. Leave it alone and stop trying to fix it.

I have a sister who decided to back off. She decided to stop helping when my mother threw her walker at her. She was done. It does not help my situation but I can understand. To her credit she still does come to visit.

Make sure you have paid caregivers so that you have a life and leave your sister alone.

You can’t force someone to care. Your sister will have to deal with her feelings about not being there for her mother after she is gone. You put your head on your pillow at night knowing you did everything you could. Some people just don’t have it in them.

But what you can do is help yourself by hiring caregivers and using your mother’s assets to pay for it. I know some people whose siblings finally stepped up when they realized their inheritance would be used up if they didn’t pitch in.

Do what you can do, get help from agency caregivers when needed, but stop expecting other siblings to think and do exactly as you do. Not going to happen. Each person has the right to choose what they can or can't do, but no one has the right to criticize siblings if they choose to think different. Free will.

Whoever signed up for POA is the one responsible for taking care of mom. If others want to help fine…….if not there’s nothing you can say or do

No response from the OP. I suspect she only wants to know how to make her sister come to at least visit their mother.

There's no way to do that, OP.

I wouldn't make up white lies about your sister not coming to visit, either. If your mother keeps asking for your sister to come visit, I'd tell her to ask your sister herself during one of the daily phone calls.

Have you done that?

You can’t.

You can’t make a person who is indifferent “nice”.

If you are content and comfortable doing what you are doing now, continue.

If you are not, hire help, using whatever financial resources your mother has, OR

examine available residential placements in your area and after placing Mama, visit frequently.

My recently deceased LO chose 2 very local relatives as her POAs.

One visited several times/week, provided for whatever her residence said was needed for her care and comfort, managed physicians, therapies, banking, SS.

One left town 2 months after her placement, wrote a monthly check for her room and board, and “visited” 2or 3 times a year, while periodically sending texts complaining about her care, without actually knowing anything about her care or condition.

This happens all the time. You will need to find ways to deal with it, or change it.

Here's a completely different angle..

If your Sister was just like you, willing to home Mother & be her caretaker... there'd be a fight over Mother.

Mom shuffling with her case between your homes. Each wanting every single detail from the medical appointment the other attended.

The competition! The differences on care decisions!

I think Mom has an UTI, is looking jaundiced, has puffy feet, had a TIA - well I don't! We should get a new cardiologist & proceed with that heart surgery - we should let nature take it's course & avoid invasive surgery at all cost.

Everyone feeling sick now 😬😪

Maybe if it is any constellation, being the *lead* & your Sister kinda following/absent is OK...??

If she hasn't helped all this time, it's not gonna happen. Sad and frustrating. And it is painful to know you have a sibling who doesn't at least see that just a few hours of week would help YOU. If mom has any savings at all, start tossing it toward some in-home help for you. If she has a house or property, sell it to cover more assistance for her.

If she sold a house to move in with you or you moved to her house - that might be a problem with sis. Some siblings think you reaped the benefit so you deserve what you got. Not sure what your situation was, but if mom has money put up --- use it for help.