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Ex-husband is being discharged from hospital after collapse due to CHF and from what he told me, his apartment needs some help to be liveable. He has Colitis and incontinence, Diabetes and COPD/Heart failure, as well as sundowner and sleep apnea with seizures . Bed, bathroom and floors are probably soiled. He lives independently in a building for seniors, but they don't provide cleaning services at all. He can't clean up, but I cannot help, as I am in quarantine with our adult (disabled) son. We can't expose him and he has no other support system. He still wants to have my son go to his house and clean up floors, bedsheets, bathroom, etc. However, the son is not physically capable of doing it at this point and would expose him to COVID, even if he was. We are both very sick right now, permanently disabled and living apart from him on SSI. Help must be affordable, as we all have little to nothing. I feel helpless. He doesn't get any of the facts as they are, and is expecting our son to do it all for him tomorrow. Would have tried sooner, but just had it sprung on us. Wondering about service organizations, volunteer groups, programs, etc. , as well as affordable persons for hire. Thanks.

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I think your ex is not aware that your son is disabled. Either that or your ex thinks that because your son is disabled, he is capable of being a slave.

Don't do anything more for your ex. He is not in his right mind and needs mental help.

Any service that is going to deal with cleaning up bodily fluids is going to cost money. United Way might be able to help your ex.

I would suggest that you don't get involved. Your ex sounds like he could harm others, you and your son included.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
It would be nice to see how it turned out. Maybe she did what I suggested and called discharge and told them there was no way he could return home. She does mention Dementia so he could have made it all up and she worried for nothing. When she called she found they were not discharging him.
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i agree with joann;s 29 answer, do not attempt to take him home...
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call the local office of aging in your county,
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Lisa, this man cannot return to his apartment. He now needs 24/7 care. With Dementia he should not be alone. You need to call the discharge office and tell them its an "unsafe discharge". His Dementia is probably why he thinks his son can do the work. I would bet he has told the discharge people ur picking him up and caring for him. They don't call to confirm this. You make it clear ur an ex caring for a disabled child and u have no responsibility for this man. That his apartment is inhabitable. There is no one to care for him. Then let the State take over. They will assign a guardian for him who will make decisions concerning his care and where he is placed. He is passed an Assisted Living care. You have enough on ur plate without worrying about him.

Make sure they know you will not be picking him up. If you do, as soon as you walk out those hospital doors, he is now your responsibility. Its not your responsibility to find someone to clean his apartment either. Your divorced for a reason. If they do send him home, call Adult Protection Services and tell them he is a vulnerable adult.

Come back and tell us what happens. Your experience helps others.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
I know, but just warning her not to. Some people don't realize that when they pick up someone they are then considered responsible for that person. Didn't want her to even contemplate it.
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You need to speak to social services and discharge planning. I don't think it is safe to place your ex in the same circumstances that sent him to hospital. Don't allow him to return home alone without a wellness check on the apartment by APS. I would caution you to step back; do not become a POA or the person responsible in what doesn't look like safe placement. Give your ex phone numbers to call, and step away would be my advice. I doubt you will find there are services without a large cost for contaminated premises. This likely involves need of mattress replacement and many other things.
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I am going to be completely honest in my answer to this question. Do you really think that someone would volunteer for this job? This is an enormous amount of work, not to mention how unsanitary it would be for those doing the work.

This job requires professional cleaning, which won’t be cheap. Your ex will have to come up with the money somehow.

Why is this even your responsibility? He is your ex! Your son doesn’t owe him anything either.

Step away from this situation and if you are contacted again, say to him, “I have been thinking about this situation and I cannot help you with this matter. Good luck!” Then hang up the phone.
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There is absolutely no such thing as “affordable help for hire” any longer. Nobody wants to work cheap any more, alas. And if, by some miracle, you find some, well, you will get what you pay for. And the hassle of correcting them, overseeing them, making sure they do not steal or sleep on the job..ugh. No. Hard NO. You tell ol’ EX he is on his own. Your son can do as he likes (if he is able) but you are an “ex” for a reason.
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Just say "No", this is a never ending cycle, tell him to talk to the social worker at his facility. IMO this would be an unsafe discharge

Obviously there are some serious issues going on with him, may be time for him to go into a home where he can be properly cared for.

Cleaning his house will not accomplish a thing, he will just mess it up again, even if he wanted to keep it clean, it is obvious that he is unable to do so.
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
BAndy, she may not be able to place him, but she AND her disabled son can say "no, can't possibly do that" and report the situation to Discharge Planning.

Why is it that she or son should discommode themselves while ill chasing down "help"?

That's what we are saying
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It sounds like your ex needs to be in an assisted living or skilled nursing facility.

I would not assist in the impossible task of cleaning his place because he should not be moving back there.

Do not use your money to get his place clean you have your son and yourself to take care of.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone us tell them no.
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Barb is so right. This is NOT a job for volunteers. (As an aside, I'm always surprised the things people suggest volunteers -- often people from churches -- can do. Are there really all of the church volunteers that people seem to think there are?)
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
My synagogue has a volunteer squad (which I'm a part of) to do meal prep, grocery shopping, medical appointments and friendly visiting of folks who can't get out.

We had a situation much like the one described by the OP at the very beginning of COVID; elderly single man, living in a hoarded apartment, taken to the hospital and not able to return home until there was remediation. Rabbi got social services involved, found a hoarding remediation company (which the gentleman paid for). He did NOT have dementia. The fact that the OP's ex-husband does is the game-changer here; he simply shouldn't be living alone.

There are some situations that volunteers CAN take on (like the one Bandy describes) but cleaning human waste is a dangerous job and shouldn't be left to amateurs.
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I asked about Medicaid because in SOME jurisdictions, Medicaid will pay for home rehabilitation.

Medicare does not.
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BarbBrooklyn Feb 2023
Bandy, I am not talking about rehab as in PT.

I'm talking about the re-habilitation OF a home, as in cleaning and repairing.

Sorry, I should have been clearer about that.
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Hold on.

Call the discharge planning office at the hospital and explain the situation to them.

It's quite clear (to me at least) that your husband's physical AND cognitive problems are such that he needs a higher level of care than an apartment building with no services.

This is NOT a job for untrained volunteers. There are hazmat companies that do this, but not for free.

Is ex on Medicaid? It's possible that the hospital can involve Social Services to get this done, but frankly, this situation has "unsafe discharge " written all over it.
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