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She got out of hosp.She is doing well under our care we have caregiver help
He says he is feeling overwhelmed and under alot of stress.
He takes care of Mom 7am-5pm Monday-Friday.I take over when i come home from work.He off on Weekends,He helps get her up on Sat. and Sun.He out of house by 10;30 AM on weekends.
I am a RN worked for 41 years still working. I do not feel stressed caring for my Mom.I feel this is my duty to her since has taken care of us our whole life.
So what can I do to help my brother feel better.

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Hmm...Brother puts in about a 55 hour week taking care of your mom. He works at it 7 days a week. You say he has weekends off, but he shows up and helps those mornings, too. There are no mother-free days for him. This has been going on for a year. He says that he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Believe him.

How is it that your brother has this time available? Is he retired? Does he work nights? Is he disabled? Independently wealthy? A little more background would help fill in the picture. But I take it that he is not a nurse or a medical technician or has/had another medical career. You wanted to do this kind of thing for a living. He did not make such a choice. As Peg points out, not everyone has the same degree of aptitude and interest in this kind of work, no matter how much they love the patient.

You feel it is your duty to take care of your mother. Evidently Brother does too, or he wouldn't have lasted a year. But a duty to see to it that Mother is well cared for is not the same as a requirement to do every ounce of the caregiving personally.

I think it is time at the very least for Brother to have some time off.

Maybe it is time to re-think what is reasonable and loving here. You love your mother and want great care for her. I assume that you love your brother, too. He is telling you that this situation is too much for him. Respect that, and together figure out what your options are.

It doesn't sound like Mother is well enough to go to an Adult Day Health Program, but that would be something to check out. You say that you have caregiver help? How much of that do you have per week? What if you increased it substantially? I hope that you have homemaking services, so that neither of you are burdened with those tasks.

How would you deal with this if you didn't have a willing and able brother? What if this stress disables him? Think through what you would have to do if you were taking care of Mother all by yourself, as so many daughers are. When you figure that out, then the two of you can factor in how Brother can fit in, without committing 50+ hours per week to the task.

If Mother were in a care center, your jobs would not be over. But instead of the day-to-day maintenance tasks you both could focus on loving visits and watchful advocating. Watching your mother decline with dementia is stressful no matter what the setting, but removing the responsibility for basic care lightens the load.

You are both loving and devoted children. Your mother is very fortunate to have you both. I hope you can find ways to reduce the stress for your brother (and for you, too, even if you are not aware of feeling it) in ways that still acknowledge his love and devotion.

I'd love to hear how you work this out. Best wishes to you.
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Nurse41, ask your brother what you can do to relieve the stress. Maybe it's time you two had a 'change of the guard' so to speak and the two of you switch places in her care.
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Oh we can't help others feel better, I can tell you that.
I also remember in a course I took that the mother-daughter relationship is the strongest relationship. So perhaps brother just isn't wired the same way we women are. (I find that true with my brother.) Maybe find something that he IS wired for and let him do that (my brother was in banking so he is in total control of my mom's finances from afar while I have day to day care as I live with her).
It is a difficult thing we are doing as I am reading we are all in the same boat. I am the ONLY one here with my mom and wish just once those that don't work would come visit if only for a week or so so as to give me a break. But I am at school a few days a week and that gives me friends to see and distractions from this as I am sure your work does for you as well.
Ask your brother what role he wants in this part of your mom's life. And then see if that is compatible and convenient for all involved. If he is feeling stress, as I do at times along with many others, counseling is the key I found for myself and perhaps that would help him as well.
Thanks for being a nurse; I appreciate all of you when a loved one is in the hospital or goes to the doc. Peg
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Sounds like your brother has a ton of work on his hands regarding your mother. If I understand you correctly, he is helping her with her morning routine seven days a week without a break.. No wonder he is stressed out.

Could someone step in to give him a real weekend without mom care? It truly is a blessing to be able to sleep in once in awhile. We all need a chance to recharge our batteries. I've been there, done that with a mom that insisted on getting up a 5:45 am for months on end.

She's in assisted living now. Sometimes a team of people is what is needed for that type of personality.
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RN:

Your mother raised 2 angels. The only thing I can suggest is you helping Mom get up on Fri., Sat. & Sun. before he gets there. (I assume he lives somewhere else.) If you have outside help from other caregivers Mon.-Thur., map out your mother's needs on a monthly basis (a calendar would be nice) and assign the tasks accordingly while preventing burnout in all parties involved.

Your brother's assistance needs to be tapered off a little, but that doesn't mean taking him out of the picture for a while while he recovers. First, he wouldn't allow it. Second, there's a chance he might become resentful and fall off the map. Then you, working 24/7, will definitely burn out. ... And the outside help will run for cover.

Teamwork baby! Teamwork.
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We are going to work on Sat And Sun. This will give him more time
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Is Nurse411 and Charlottewilli the same person?
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if you have the right kiind of insurane - use it. My husband had a stroke also has 4 sisters. We had to sell a hugh place in the woods where he had all the luxuries of nature & move to town. "I" packed sorted, arranged for auction,hauled, did the legal work etc. Just once I asked his sisters to take one day a month to come do something with him, response was "We'll have to consider it!: 3 weeks later I got a call stating they had to much to do and then said "what do you do with him if it's raining?" I blew my cork (yes my husband heard it all) & basicall told them enough, in every size, shape, form, occasion,etc. Their being busy didn't stop the vacations and trips for them tho. I've had serious health problems myself & I always felt like "extra baggage" around them anyway. He has 2 sons that NEVER send him a card for ANY reason, birthday, father's day, Xmas, anything, but you know what thru it all we have survived and the road was very difficult sometimes but I have good friends who mean much more to us than his family. We both very frankly speak our mind & I've been told their not used to that. I spend some time in my office just thinking and crying and feeling alone as now my oldest daughter has terminal cancer & we talk everyday. We will be OK but I ask for your quiet prayers that she won't suffer so bad. I VERY recently learned the true meaning of "you never know what tomorrow is going to bring." Ihad twin sisters. One night one of them went into the hospital as she felt so weak. They admtted her immediately and 7 weeks later she was buried - cause leukemia You all have a good forthcoming week and find something to laugh about - it's great medicine.
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I took care of my Mom 24 hrs a day for many years. The last 2 were the worst. Besides health problems she has dementia. My sister kept saying, " I feel bad for you" what can I do? But until the last year, it was me. I did it all. It is a Strain on your life and your psyche that takes a long time to go away. My Mom is in a NH for the last month and is still mean to me when I go there. It is hard to be the everything person and still take all the abuse. A little help is just that: a little help.
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Sandy: I hear what you are saying. I heard my brother (and g/f whom my mom does not like) are coming to "visit". VISIT? My mom needs more than a couple of weeks in which bro and g/f will be site seeing and leaving mom at home like they did last year after my dad's death. I AM doing it alone and it IS stressful and well meaning people come to this house to "visit" but I still don't get a break as it is ME that my mom wants with her. She knows it is ME that cares for her day in and day out. It is a strain on our lives and our psyches and quite honestly, I have gained so much strength from this site and made friends in threads over the last couple of weeks MORE than family members who travel from afar, site see, and go home. I am grateful. A "little" help ... I hear that!
My sadness is in that this is the first time in my life Mom and I have gotten along so well (guess seeing her vulnerability softened my heart and she knows she can depend on me) and I hate to see that interrupted by a "visit" or if she has to go to NH. Her grieving/depression is the main issue and doc has her on rx now and also her major weight loss (BMI is quite askew). A visit from a son is NOT going to bounce her back immediately so that on her appt in Oct she will "be fine" as he likes to say. Some people live in denial; some see things as they are and try their best to accept that.
Peg (San Diego)
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