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Hello, I'm new to the forum and really need to talk to other people who understand that stress that I'm experiencing.

My father is 84 years old and a 20+ year survivor of prostate cancer. He used to be a heavy drinker, has high blood pressure, about two years ago was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and in the last month has been diagnosed with dementia, high calcium along with a cyst on his kidney that the doctor is not too concerned about.

About 2 years ago, because he suffered from slight hearing loss, he purchased hearing aids. He put the hearing aid for the right ear in the left and vice versa, lost one so he only wore the one he had. Long story short, he claims this is the reason he has "stuff" that speaks to him in his head and knots in his stomach and he has to "breakthrough". He tries to breakthrough by putting his hand to his ear and on his stomach and groaning loudly. He ends up saying different words and he claims it's not him saying it - its the stuff in his body. The stuff tells him what word to say in hopes of breaking through.

Along with that, at our last office visit after he had an ultra sound, we learned that he has a huge chunk of cholesterol in his aorta in his stomach that is about the break off so the doctor prescribed him baby aspirin in hopes of preventing a stroke.

My problem is he won't take his medicine for high calcium or the anto psychosis medicine the doctor prescribed nor is he taking his medication that is supposed to prevent angina or heart attacks. He still groaning saying random words for about 30 minutes about every couple of hours. He's in his right mind as it relates to everything except the stuff in his head and body that speaks to him that he's trying to break through. He's convinced the problem with the stuff in his head and body is an ear issue and goes monthly to an ear doctor who gives him shots of anti-biotics - which his primary care doctor says he does not need. With all of this, he is frail and continues to lose weight - he tries to eat but barely eats anything as he has no appetite.

My question is what do I do? I can't make him take his meds - and I'm guessing the doctor can't either. I feel like I'm watching him wither away and not doing anything to help him.

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Tanya, while you might not be able to help your dad right now, you can help yourself by getting treatment for what sounds like YOUR depression. Please go see your primary care doc and tell her/him what's going on. Love and good thoughts.
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I truly appreciate all of the additional responses. I have been fighting my own depression for a while. My mom passed when I wad 13 so it's been me and him my entire life. He's determined to stay in control of the decisions made regarding his health and I respect that. All I can do now is try to make sure he understands his health issues be supportive and get him to all his appts. Trying to find the nerve to discuss power of attorney so that I can step in when absolutely necessary. Thank you all for your answers and positive thoughts and I wish you positive outcomes as well.
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Please do NOT crush up medication without discussing it with the Dr. first. Medication comes in certain coatings (enteric, gel, capsule, etc) for a reason and it has to do with the release time of the drug. If you crush up an extended release drug (for example) it will hit his system all at one time and could cause serious problems.
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How will he know when he breaks through? Maybe tell him these meds will help him breakthrough.
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I asked him the same thing today. He said that's the it's programmed. Now however, because he has not broken through he said he's giving up, life is not worth it, and he's going to die with it. I'm trying not to over react but if this get worse by any amount I'm calling an ambulance. I figure at least that way he'll be admitted, have full series of tests done and get medicated.
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You're right, we can't force people to take their medications.

What is his reason for not wanting to take the meds?

If he won't help himself there's nothing you can do to help him. Some people think that opening up a capsule of medication and sprinkling it in some applesauce is OK but never do anything like that without checking with the Dr. first. Medication comes in a capsule for a reason and it has to do with the release time of the medication. Without the dissolving capsule the medication enters the blood stream quicker. It can also be corrosive to the lining of the stomach.

Is your dad schizophrenic? From what you've described it doesn't sound like dementia or even Alzheimer's (although he may have dementia as well). It sounds more like schizophrenia.

Has the Dr. explained to your dad that he has to take his medication? Sometimes a male authority figure carries more weight than a daughter.
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He has the right to refuse meds. Ask Hospice to come in and talk to him, evaluate him. If that is what he wants, respect his decision.
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I agree he does have the right to refuse medicine and you need to go easy on yourself. If you are taking care of him in any way you are doing a great deal for him. Talking to hospice is a really good idea. Go easy on yourself and maybe dad will start to relax more. But all the talk of voices really is cause to have psychiatric evaluation. You would feel better probably if you realize there isn't much more you can do than that.
Terie Novak - Author "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents".
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Tanya I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I know it's very hard to accept and deal with. Even though your dad wants to stay in control of his healthcare at this point, what happens when he's not able to say what he wants? That's when the Power of Attorney for healthcare kicks in. Does he want a feeding tube? Does he want his heart restarted if it stops? These are difficult questions, but ones that you need to discuss with your dad, so that you understand his wishes and help the medical professionals to honor them. And then get that POA put in place, so that the medical professionals will listen to you if your dad is unable to make his wishes known.

I have the medical POA for my mom and we also got a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on her (signed by her doctor), as she doesn't want any kind of actions to prolong her life. When I worked in a hospital, I saw them try to revive a very elderly woman (10 people in the room, pounding on her chest) and I would never want that for my elderly mom as the way for her to exit this planet.

Do the best you can and realize that you don't control the world and you can only do what you can do for your dad. Hugs to you.
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This has worked for me. But we are just at the start of Moms (Delicate Condition). I just have coversations with her. She doesn't want to eat vegtables, fruits. Just Junk. I researched what each plant ect. had, and what our body needs. Then I told her Mom do you remember when you gave me Castor Oil. When I was little. I had to do lots of things I didn't want to.And the fact is her health does affect my health. I get so sad and depressed. Nancy Reagan said," its a long Goodby."I think Love And Attention is the best Medicine.
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