I am a bit overwhelmed reading the vast majority of posts that hate what caregiving their beloveds has brought to their life. My dad will be moving in with my family shortly and the passion and the zeal with which the majority of you feel this is terrible decision... concerns me and makes me wonder why any of you do it at all. Save for financial concerns. Silver linings appreciated.
Make sure her Will has back up DPOA & POA's in place. 😉 Problem solved. My brothers are next in line legally should something happen to me.
I think we all start out with good intentions but things generally escalate. For myself, I really underestimated how I would feel in the long run. Looking back I wish I managed my own emotions better.
My father passed away last year and its been the worst pain and sorrow I have ever been through. So for me the silver lining is knowing I did see him every day and I hope he knew I loved him and was trying my hardest to do my best for him. It never felt like it at the time, but I hope my actions conveyed my respect and love.
Take it day by day. But if you ever feel stuck please know there are always different options.
Nice you can look at things in such a positive light. I do admire that and wish I could just erase the past and the current situation so I could view it that way too. Cwillie said it best when her "top answer" explained how the frustrations you see in our posts are just tiny glimpses into our everyday lives. You cannot imagine the "whole story" behind a lot of these posts as to why we are so frustrated. Many of us come from dysfunctional families, maybe Mom treated us horribly or with indifference when we were growing up and those are things, I am sorry to say, that don't just dissapear in our minds. We may get past some stuff but certain things when you are caring for this parent, their behaviors cause "triggers" that can get those old memories right to the surface again. We all would like to say, "It's in the past, we totally forgive them and have moved forward" but that is easier said than done for many of us, including me. I could write a novel on my dysfunctional family, no joke.
So, silver linings aren't always there for us to see when we are in the trenches. I can say I know I did the right thing for her, but I don't think it was the right thing for me. The sacrifice was far greater than I ever would have imagined. When all is said and done, and my life is my own again, I may be able to look at things in a better light, but in the moment, it's very difficult.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am very happy for you that you are able to have such a positive outlook, I truly wish I could too but that is not my reality. I do the best I can everyday but it is hard to stay positive when you are trapped like a rat in a cage. I cannot write my life's story here so my feelings make more sense, best way to sum it up is, you cannot erase history.
1. time with mom that I wouldn't get back later
2. peace of mind knowing I have always done all that I could. I also live by the "no regrets" philosophy
3. Knowing 100 % mom is cared for
4. Experiencing the day to day changes makes it easier to let go? That's a question mark because she's so well physically I don't think we've started letting go yet
4. Satisfaction & pride in my ability to handle this enormous task
Move her where she is safer and you can get your kitchen and some privacy back! Maybe even get her a pair of headphones for the TV? 😉 *Hugs*
Right back atcha! I feel for anyone who can never seem to satisfy their aging parent no matter how hard you try. I am the shopper, the fixer, the physical therapist, the launderess, etc. etc. It is exhausting especially when you think you have thought of everything and apparently, you never do. I pray she does not get dementia for your sake!!!
You are far from selfish! Just get that one out of your mind. You have made major sacrifices trying to accomodate her (and still are) that many people would not have gone through the effort. Dementia effects everyone differently. Some parents turn into sweet little lambs, some into combative hellions, who knows why it affects everyone differently so there is no "play book" we could have read to prep us for what was going to happen with our parent/s. My Mom isn't nasty or mean, she is a passive aggressive nag that looks for things to need or want (fixates) and bugs me to death in her sweet little way until I finally give her what she wants. That's what I got. Who knows what it may morph into as the disease progresses.
Nobody knows how long this will go on, how long our lives will be revolved totally around them, what will happen tomorrow, it is a stress that seems endless and can wear down even the best of us.
I decided against having children because I knew I did not have what it takes to be "a mom." I had no maternal instincts and no biological clock. Today, to think that I was only 15 when Mom was my age now (48) and I cannot imagine dealing with a teenager AND a mother with dementia in tandem. I'd be ready for the looney bin! I literally have nobody helping me with Mom. Husband wants nothing to do with her personal care. His part is making this arrangement financially possible. We all have "our roles" to play in this, it is just surviving it with our sanity intact that is the hardest part.
So many on this site may not even had a choice or find that their DAD comes with limited resources or big debt , or needs full time care , maybe their Dad doesn't even remember he is their DAD or their DAD is in no way able to function as a DAD. Hold judgement until you have given it a dry run......
I am moving mom from my dining room (we don't have a downstairs bedroom) this month. I've had mom down here for four years and when we have get togethers everyone is crammed into my breakfast nook. Imagine 9 to 22 big people being in this place, ha! Mom just sits on her throne and reminds me how easy she is to care for and aren't I lucky to be able to move all my furniture around. (I weight lift for a stress release). Doesn't dawn on her how much a problem it creates SOOOO I am moving her to my sewing room (yes that means storing all my stuff) that is upstairs. I cringe that I'll hear her even more and we will have even less privacy, but I don't know what else to do.
All I want is to enjoy a meal without all the furniture moving. Last year I transformed my heated garage into a dining room. I went all out to even disguising the garage door to look like a fireplace setting area. I scrubbed and waxed the floor, etc. I DON'T want to do that again. I'm tired of all this and I feel like a selfish person for being this way. I have so much and my mom is way easier than so very many parents. I'm just selfish. Thank you so much for being there for me my friends.
I know the feeling of "I don't like me and I don't like her." Caring for a parent who turns into someone you no longer recognize is hard to come to grips with (especially if there is a checkered history) and it turns us into irritable cranks that we were not used to being "that person." Tonight for example, I made a lovely dinner and went to see how she enjoyed it and she starts on how she needs her broken watch fixed, and how to get the "missed call" message off her phone, (I have written 4 seperate notes on how to get and clear messages on her phone with childlike simplicity) and have asked her to follow my directions without my interference and she can read and understand them and she manages to get through it without a hitch. Yet................she asks me how to do this ALL THE TIME. Lazy? Manipulative? Whatever it is, it drives me nuts.
She has clocks all over the house but her wrist watch I went through hell and back finding one that met all her criteria, is now worn out because she never takes it off. She does not NEED one and I told her I was not going through "the hunt" to 10 different department stores again to find the perfect wrist watch just because, as she say's, "I've always worn one." Now, I hear about it over and over and over about how can I fix her broken down, worn off finish watch. I bought her two lovely necklace watches that are easier to take off and on, she won't let go of the wrist watch. *Sighs* She wears me down. She fixates. She lives like a queen, has every need taken care of yet she constantly focuses on what she is running out of or wants instead of all she has. It never ends. It has turned me into a cranky, moody woman because I feel like I am her "go fer" gal instead of her daughter appreciating all I have sacrificed for her already to make sure she is living in a lovely home with every thought put into her space so she is happy.
It's never enough and she has become a passive aggressive, world class nag.
I know this is the dementia turning her into someone I have a hard time recognizing but it's still a tough pill to swallow everyday. She had a couple pair pants she loved and wore them to tatters. I begged her to throw them out, but she argued they were her favorites and went on and on about how she wished she could find duplicates. I heard about this constantly for years and searched like crazy for something comparitive and did find some very nice replacements. Not good enough. I finally got so fed up hearing about them I sought out someone to duplicate them for her "custom made." See the pattern? No matter how I try to ignore or find something comparable, she never stops mentioning it until she gets her way. Yes, I have become someone I don't like and I don't like who she has become either.
Sorry for the long rant, but this is part of, nothing can prepare you for what your getting into until your in it. This is now part of my daily reality caring for Mom.
Thanks for listening.
I dunno if that's a positive or not.
A) We had the best intentions
B) Had no idea what we had really signed up for
C) Parent had requested we be the "chosen one" out of our siblings (DPOA and POA)
D) We felt we owed them for all they did for us growing up
The problem is nobody can forsee the toll it will take long term if it is long term. Some dementia's are slow movers, the parent can go on for quite a while. Then it becomes clear they are not safe alone so you end up sacrificing your career so your parent won't go broke paying for a facility or in home care. Your siblings sling mud because you were the "chosen one" and they have no idea how lucky they really are! It takes a huge toll on you mentally, physically, financially, and stress in all your relationships, spouse, friends, siblings and of course, your parent. Your freedoms get taken away one by one. Hard not to eventually start to feel resentful. Watching life pass you by in your last somewhat youthful years is rough. No vacations, on call 24/7, even Mother Theresa must of had some days she was praying with all her might for strength. You can have the best intentions in the world, but nothing can prepare you for reality. Reality for me is she would have been flat broke by now had I not stepped up and let my brothers shove her in a facility. I have no doubt I did the right thing but it comes with a heavy pricetag. I wish you all the best. *Hugs*
I guess I took your post as a "hit" on people who express negative feelings about bringing their needy/ill/Alzheimer's parents to live with them. You hit a nerve and I had a knee-jerk response. I apologize because, from your second post, I can see that is not what you meant.
I think the Pros would be that you will have much more close time together, especially to capture stories from his past (that will die with him). Your children will also have the benefit of being exposed to their gramps and that's usually good for kids. Board games would be a family activity that all can do. Or, maybe the kids could show grandpa how an IPhone 6, 7 or 8 works.
If he's of sound mind (lucky you!) he can probably be a great help in small ways around the house, since he has many years experience fixing things and can tighten all your frying pan handle screws or sharpen all your knives.
You'll have great photos/videos and memories at holiday time, which will turn priceless when he's gone.
Maybe you and he will be lucky enough to see progress with his mobility through Physical Therapy or alternative modalities. It's awesome to be part of the recuperation team!
As you mentioned, it's only fair you are compensated monetarily to pay for the things he needs and uses. You have every right to charge him as it increases your costs.
In my case, we had to hire a night time caregiver so I can work 2 days a week and hubs and I can get some sleep without having to get up 1-4 times a night. This costs 25% of Mom's S.S. Then the bibs, the incontinent pads, diapers, kotex, wipes, extra laundry soap, softener and dryer sheets to wash the "tinkle leaks" add to the grocery bill. Recently I've had to update her wardrobe, as most of her clothes were very old and are now in disrepair. She has doctor visit copayments and medication copayments. She has kept her hair cut and colored, so that will be an expense every 6-8 weeks. The increase in food (she eats 3 good meals a day plus snacks) and increase in electricity for space heaters and electric blankets in the winter and ceiling fans and floor fans n the summer needs to be factored in.
As you can see, we are not "getting rich" off of this caregiving adventure. There is not much left. That's why I had to go back to work 2 days a week, just to make sure we have enough for our bills.
You will most probably have many a great day shared with your dad. Try to keep him as independent as possible. Make sure he has a few things he enjoys in your home (favorite car magazines, his favorite soda or tea, snacks/treats etc.) to make him feel welcome. Make sure he has his own space for his things that won't be moved.
Good luck and I'm sure it'll work out in your situation.
Are you married and have family at home, outdoormelle? How they feel would be a big concern. I was recently separated from my ex when I moved in. My parents did not want to leave their house, so I was the ideal solution for them. My parents are difficult, so it wasn't the ideal situation for me, but I've tried to make it through. I've been here almost eight years. Tonight my mother told me that she was worried about what I was going to do when she died. She kept on about it until it was a bit irritating. I think she felt guilty taking such a large part of my life. I knew her worrying was too late, though. That ship sailed a long time ago when I tried to get them into AL. She is nearing death and can't live alone, so we are where we are. Elder care can consume so much of your life, so needs to be given a lot of consideration.
I pray for my fellow caregivers that have done care for their loved ones in ways I hope I do not have to face.
I hope I have just misunderstood your comment.
We hear again and again from people who cared for their parents for years, even decades, only to have the promised inheritance split equally with non caregiving siblings or gobbled up by medicaid. People give up jobs, renovate their homes, and hire in extra care all on their own dime while mom & dad bank their pensions and leave their savings untouched, and that is just wrong.
I often respond with "Don't do it!" -- not because of bad personal experience, but because I see red flags in the post. These include:
1. Doing it because they "have to" and there is "no one else who can do it."
2. Doing it to have one last chance to earn the love of a neglectful or abusive parent
3 Doing it when the parent is mentally ill (other than dementia.) The mentally ill deserve good care and love too, but very few of us can effectively handle a narcissist or someone with bipolar disorder. We can love them, and see to it they are getting good care from professionals.
4. Doing it when the caregiver is mentally ill. Someone with active major depressive disorder and/or anxiety attacks, etc. probably shouldn't take on the care of another adult.
5. Doing it when the caregiver has serious health problems.
6. Doing it if it will be very disruptive to other family members. If a teenager has to give up his room and go bunk with his much younger brother, or sleep on the couch, that might not work out so well.
None of these red flags applied in my family, so when a newly-retired sister offered to take our mom in, the rest of us were thrilled. It lasted 14 months, and that sister's main regret was that mom's health worsened to the point she needed skilled nursing care. Not one of Sis's three brothers or three sisters ever said one negative word about the job she was doing. Most of us frequently said supportive things. Two of us each took Mom into our homes for a long weekend every month, and another went to her house so Sis and her husband could continue their bowling league. Sis's husband was supportive and helpful. And, probably most important of all, our mom was a sweetheart, while we were growing up, and in her old age. Even dementia didn't tarnish that.
If there are no red flags, here are some things I think can help the move-in be successful:
1) Right from the very start, plan for regular respite. If there is no family available or willing to provide this, then put paying for it in the budget. No one can care for another adult 24/7/365 and retain their sanity. No one. Make sure the parent understands that is part of the deal. He doesn't always get to go everywhere with you.
2) Connect with people who say supportive things. Join a caregiver support group. Come to AgingCare often.
3) Avoid people who are consistently negative or critical of your caregiving (or anything else about you or your parent).
4) Get household help! Start with routine chores, to compensate for the time your parent will need. Nearly anyone can mop your kitchen or do the laundry. Only you can sooth Dad when he is upset.
5) Get healthcare help! Maybe a bathing helper. Maybe someone to come in a few hours a couple days of week. Maybe a daycare program a day or two a week. Don't think you are only successful if you do it all yourself!
6) Realize from the very beginning that this may not last for the rest of Dad's life. We can't predict the future. Do not promise that you will never put him in a home. Promise you will never abandon him and will always see that he gets the care he needs.
Oh, and did I mention Plan For Respite?
Please come back and let us know how this goes for you. Complain when you need to, but share the good part of caregiving, too. This site could use a little more of that!
How big is your house?
Will your dad have his own bathroom?
Is your house aging-in-place friendly?
There are so many things to consider. I think that one of the reasons why so many of us do not want our parents living in our homes is because we know we will always be children in their eyes and, even in our own homes, we allow them to rule the roost. This does cause resentment. This does pressure relationships. This does change the dynamics of marriages. This does affect young children. It's not an easy decision!