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My father is in his early 70s. After a hospitalization a few years ago that his doctor says his body has fully recovered from, my father is still extremely frail (cannot walk or shower without assistance). He rarely leaves the house and his inability to walk is largely because he is not using his body, so his muscles are atrophying. He is very angry and is mistreating my mother (which he has been doing for years, as a former alcoholic and prone to angry outbursts even when well, but now it is worse). He is the most pessimistic person I have ever met, again even when healthy.

He seems to be giving up on getting better (and he's not even sick! he's just frail). We all want to support him, but it is hard to know how to do so. I think he is dealing with anxiety and depression, but he believes any mental health issues he might have should be resolved through effort and not medication. So instead, he sits around all day, watching the news and staying angry. My mom does everything for him and is exhausted.

I do not live nearby and have small children and a immobile job, so I cannot move nearby to help out. I feel like we need to stop tiptoeing around him and push him harder about what's going on, but I worry that he would retaliate by being abusive towards my mom (and although he couldn't do anything physically at this point, his words are painful). This is all new to us, so any advice would be appreciated.

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You say dad is an alcoholic...not drinking now. It's very possible his chronological age doesn't give a clear picture of both his physical or mental health. Years of drinking kill brain cells galore and most certainly take their toll on his physical health.

I have a question. Did he or does he smoke? (Most drinkers are/were smokers.) My reason for asking that is that he may have undiagnosed COPD. That'll surely keep someone on the couch watching TV. (A diagnosis and inhaler could change his life.)

Frankly, I'd be MUCH more concerned about mom than dad. As you briefly describe her life with your dad, seems to me that SHE'S the one who's suffering most.
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I'm curious what kind of hospitalization your dad had "several years ago" that left him frail. Did he go for rehab? Has he ever consulted another doctor about his current condition?

Several years ago, my husband had an aortic aneurysm and had to have very serious open heart surgery, during which they replaced his aorta and a leaky valve. He was placed on antidepressants immediately after as part of the protocol at that medical center and continues on them to this day.

A few months later, he was having trouble taking deep breaths, which affected his ability to play paddleball. Our PCP sent him to a pulmonologist who dismissed the problem after looking at the xrays, telling him "Your're luck to be alive, stop complaining that you can't play ball any more". We found another pulmonologist who did all sorts of breathing tests and discovered that he had a damaged nerve ( a common side effect from this surgery). He went for several weeks of PT for his chest and they were able to restore his breathing capacity to very close to what it had been prior. A second opinion is well worth the time and effort.
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You can offer suggestions to your parents, but you need to realize they've been living their marital "script" for many, many years. Trying to get either of them to change, unless they're really motivated, will only result in frustration for you.

I tried it with my parents and finally realized I was only making myself frustrated. So I backed off. So offer suggestions (like others have suggested getting mom away for a break) and if she's not interested and dad doesn't want any outside help, you just have to let them live their lives as they wish - even if it's unhealthy and frustrating for you. At that point, YOU can find a counselor to help you cope with their dysfunction by setting boundaries on how much you get pulled in to their situation. Good luck - it's not easy to watch your parents living in a way that is unhappy and unhealthy for them both.
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Where is your mom in all this? Is she willing to shake the cage a little bit and say "get help or else"? Is she complaining to you and not willing to do anything about it? I'd see if I could get MOM to go see counselor and perhaps a psychiatrist to treat her own depression. You may only be able to help the parent who wants to be helped.
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It's all about oxygen level. You can buy a meter at the pharmacy for about $30. It goes on one's fingertip. At rest, anything below 90 is an indication of lung problems. If it were me, I'd want to measure level after a walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Oxy level will give you an idea of what to ask the doc. I personally had COPD for three years before I ever mentioned it to my doc. An inhaler changed MY life.
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And finally, blannie, your comment about needing to be aware that my parents have been living their marital "script" for many years really resonated with me. You are so right.

I think my sibling and I need to try some "tough love". We tend to walk on eggshells around my dad because we don't like to see him get angry and we worry about him taking it out on my mom. But he's already angry and hard to live with.

Are there any good books or places to look into for ways to approach someone like this? And do you have any recommendations for finding counselors (both for my parents and for me)?
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So, you might explain to mom that it's frequently the "healthy" partner who gets the help. Yes, if your dad changed, the situation would change. But it would also change if your mom got stronger, less depressed, less angry and could see this situation through a different lens.

Has she ever considered leaving? Why is she putting up with this abuse? Is this a long standing dance that they've done for many years? Are you getting drawn into it?

You can't change their marriage. You CAN encourage your mom to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated for depression and possibly medication and to see a therapist, who can probably help her see other solutions to this situation.
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Sunshine, your Dad could have smoking related health issues even though he gave up smoking 35 yeas ago, doing the math and if let's say he started smoking at 16, he would have 20+ years of smoking under his belt. That's a lot of cell damage.

As for your Mom, if she is exhausted now, it's not going to get any better.... there would be a good chance that your Dad would outlive her. She has to try to step back and if your Dad needs something, he will have to get out of his chair and get it himself. I know it won't be easy for your Mom. Any chance she could "vacation" at your home, even if it means sleeping on a sofa for a week or so, leaving Dad at home? That might be a walk-up call for him.

Studies have shown that 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one. Not good odds. Think about it.
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I posted too soon. Following up, I have no idea of your family situation. I think you said you don't live close by. Can you circle the wagons with family members and present a united front? It just seems like Dad may need a little tough love. Very tough.....
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Let your mother deal with him. It is not your job to "fix" him when he doesn't want to be "fixed". When your mother has had enough, then she will change her circumstance. The best you can do is be supportive, love your small children, and let your parents live the way they have.
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