Follow
Share

My elderly father recently hurt himself in a fall and will by in a short term care home until he is able to rehab enough to come home. He was the sole care provider for my mother who has mild dementia , so my sister and I have been staying at their house to assume care for my mother. I am retired and my sister is adjusting her work schedule to help care for our mom. We have 2 other siblings who very little to care for my mother. They both work and have the excuse that they are busy and cannot adjust their schedules to assist much, so the majority of care falls on the shoulders of my sister and me. I'm sure this is not an unusual scenario.

Just curious how others have dealt with this situation. My sister and I would like more support from them. Someone suggested that we use financial motivation by putting a dollar value on our time and have it taken out of their estate before the rest of their assets are disbursed to all siblings. My sister and I don't care about the money, but that might motivate or siblings to participate more...sad picture of our family.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I admire you and your sister for helping, and it's unfortunate that your other two sisters are not helping. It is terribly unfair of them, and this is, of course, very common. In addition, I think it doubles the stress levels of the siblings that are helping, and the non-helping siblings are getting a "free ride", so to speak. Yes, you could ask your non-helping siblings if they would agree to putting a dollar value on your time and have it taken out of their estate before the rest of the assets are disbursed to all siblings. Hopefully, you and your sister that help your folks are getting A LOT more money than your non-helping siblings.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My brothers and sisters I laws and I all work. My mom was in Independent Living for a tear, AL briefly and now a nursing home, using her funds. She was unable to stay home with care due to a variety of issues.

If I were still working and one of my siblings was doing hands on care, I would absolutely expect them to be paid. I would expect for a caregiving contract to be written and proper compensation, including respite time.

If your other siblings can't adjust work schedules or aren't capable of providing hands on care (both of those apply to me), I would assume that they would be amenable for Mom's funds to be used this way. This is also helpful if mom ever needs to apply for Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Write a contract for each caregiver and have mom sign this showing your hours/week, hourly rate, reimbursement for gas/etc. You need this to protect yourselves and your mother.

You don't need to tell the siblings about it ahead of time. You would not go into the minutiae of hiring a random caregiver either. Just get it done. If they wanted to be in the details, they would be there with you or on the phone trying to work this out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sounds like you've got a fair deal in mind. We never set up anything like that, my mom has no estate except her home. Now for 6 1/2 years I've been mom's 24/7/365 caregiver while holding a full time outside job (we have caregivers that come in while I'm at work) with zero help from sibs. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see perfectly now. Protect your futures with something in writing. It may help avoid some of the eventual feelings of resentment towards non-involved siblings.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

p.s. your noninvolved siblings are telling you they won't help - believe them. They know you two will do it all. Be prepared for the long haul. You dad might not be able to fully care for your mom when he gets home and may need outside help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Surprise, I absolutely LOVE what you write. I am the "one" who is doing almost everything for my mom. There is one day a week with paid caregiver, and then there's me. Recently Mom has needed a huge increase in help. Literally overnight she needed me to come in 2 or 3x a day. That's not enough time to contact all 4 other sibs, let alone contact a professional in-home agency. The agencies cost $29 per hour with a 3 hr minimum in my major metro area. My mom & I agreed (and wrote it up) she would pay me $20/hr with 1/2 hr minimum. She is saving a TON of money with me. If the siblings want to complain, I can't wait to hear the judge tell them how Crazy they are.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your siblings don't want to help, they don't want to and won't help. Harsh though it may sound, you can guarantee that when it's time to distribute a parent's estate they'll be there in a flash.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter