How do I get my husband to see our marriage is suffering from his fierce sense of obligation to his Mother?

This is going to be tough. If you truly care about your MIL (and if HE truly cares about her) you'll both realize that she needs to develop some independent skills (unless she's suffering from dementia). It sounds as though she may need some help with grief work, you might suggest that he investigate grief groups run through local churches or funeral homes. She may need treatment for depression. She may need financial literacy classes.

But mostly, you need to have a quiet night out with him and explain calmly how you feel, and how this is affecting you and your relationship with him.

I have a mother who would like to rely on her son and/or grandson that way. The hiccup is that their wife and girlfriend put their foot down and won't allow it. I"m not sure how they do it, but they have stopped it. She's none too happy, but she lives with it.

Obviously, if you husband refuses to set some boundaries, there is little you can do. It's not your place to contact the other adult kids and line up their duties. He must know you love his mom. I'd just lay it out. Set a day and time that will work, but insist that you agree on some limitations. Caring for a senior can take over your life. Every decision surrounds the needs of the senior. I don't know how old you are, but I would not let it restrict my life when there are other options.

Can you 'turn the tables' on her?? Find a ladies activity and get your sisters-in-law to attend with you and your MIL. That will give her attention, an opportunity to see that you all care and a diversion from her grief. It might be a church activity or musical program -- anything really to get her out of the house. This will leave your husband to be the 'single parent' and you may find out more about what is happening with her. There are support groups all over the place for the newly widowed. If you meet any of her friends, suggest kindly that MIL needs to get out and about. (I can be ruthless with such things!). She needs to slowly reinsert herself into society. If you are still handling kids at home, MIL must be fairly young. Too young to only be exposed to her sons. BUT this is a slow process. Good luck.

Dear Cmomthree, I understand this is a difficult time for your MIL right now, how old is she? Does she have othe family? Sisters and brothers in the area? Of course your husband will be needing to do some things out of dutiful obligation, but I sincerely recommend that you do not move her into your home, nor your family into hers, having made that mistake ourselves. There are a lot of Senior resources and options out there, and you have come to an perfect place to start doing some research. She is certainly lonely, and in the midst of the grieving process perhaps taking her to the local senior Center, would be a good place to start, to get her amongst others who are in the same shoes, will help her to see that life does go on. Perhaps she might also be suffering from situal depression, as can happen with grieving. Many times prior to my MIL passing away (she had severe COPD), my FIL would ask us that when Mother passes, as it was assumed she would go 1st, could he come to live with us, as he is avloner, and was deathly afraidcof living on his own, and of course the only answer, was yes, as he saw the way I took care of my own parents. It was a huge mistake, and now 11 year's later, he is 85, and it has taken a huge toll on our relationship, as well as our finances. We have no one we can count on to give us any help, as his other 2 kids are completely useless, completely, and live several states away as well. We have not had a vacation alone in all that time, and he is clueless in thinking that we are even struggling with everything. He is short tempered, which I had never seen before, mand we've been married 31 years. He is stuborn, rude, dirty, demanding, ungrateful, thevlist goes on. E didn't have time enough to grieve the loss of both my parents and hubby's Mom, before he had moved in, and I feel we did him a disservice letting him move in without letting him get his bearings beinga widow, and ttrying to see what his life could have been on his own. He only lived 5 miles away from us in the first place, but moving him even closer and letting him be independent, I believe would have eventually worked out for us all. I know it's tough right now, but it s early day's yet, 7 mo., and I would suggest a family meeting with hubby's siblings is in order, as it is not fair for only your husband to be bearing the brunt of all the caring, perhaps she feels closest to him, or, he has never refused her every request for immediate assistance, and the others have? Think hard and long to every decision that affects your young family! Remember you do have a say, which can be expressed respectfully, yet firmly! Start reading the blogs here as you will soon learn about most any concerns you have and then some, as well as learning alot about the Caregiver Burnout. I wished id found it much much sooner, as I've seen my husband change into a very angry and tired guy, where before he was happy go lucky. But do try to cut him some slack, as he is being pulled in two different directions, and im sure he would rather be with you and kidfies! Good luck

Cmomthree, if you could give us more information that would be very helpful. Curious, how old is your Mom-in-law? How old was your Dad-in-law when he passed away? Was his passing sudden or was your Mon-in-law his caregiver for awhile? What are her current medical issues?

Depending on your Mom-in-law age, it wasn't uncommon for couples of that generation where one took care of all the finances thus leaving the other spouse bewildered about doing these things once that spouse had passed away. Back in the 1960's, I remembered our family physician's wife had died, and he didn't even know how to write a check. Back then, couples weren't crossed trained.

Remember, Mom-in-law is still in mourning as it has been only seven months... she needs to get through all the stages of grief. And that can overwhelm her also, as here she thought she and hubby would be together for a very long time. This is a huge change for her.

See, I told you this place ROCKS! such wonderful people who come out to help within minutes! This blog and you all are so INCREDIBLE,!

You have lumped a lot of diverse things under the single heading "little things". I'm not sure that real estate, moving and home maintenance are equal to a visit to the doctor.

I totally get your complaint, though. My DH is a workaholic, spends time with his buddies, his social groups, his charities, church groups. Been this way ever since I've known him. He is an enthusiastic dad and granddad too. He is also making time for his mother, who lives with us now.

I love the advice that geewiz gave. She is still a new widow and is still trying to get her bearings. Have her over for dinner and ask her to bring her famous dessert (or whatever). Involve her in the lives of her grandchildren and their activities. Do they have recitals, concerts, ball games or other activity that she can attend? Maybe she can drive them to their lessons and give you a little break. Help her to understand that her life, although different, isn't over. If she's suffered a major loss and had to move on top of that, there may be some depression at play. Not all depression needs pharmaceutical help, involve her in your life, and encourage your in-laws to do the same.

Just a minute.

What medication is she having intravenously and what qualifies your husband to do that competently?

Is your husband the older, middle or younger of the 3 sons? Although I haven't read a lot about sibling order in terms of parental care and responsibility, I sometimes thing there might be something to the theory that the youngest son/daughter doesn't get as much attention from the parents and grows up needing that attention, responding to the parents' needs more quickly than he siblings.

I'm not saying that any sibling was neglected, but by the time there are already 2 children in the family, there often isn't as much time for the youngest one.

It could also just be that your husband is more responsible than his brothers.

I would agree that in some generations one spouse handled certain aspects of the marriage and the other didn't, leaving him or her w/o experience when the time came to manage life alone. That could be pretty scary.

I agree with getting her out and in circulation, whether it's a book club, church, senior center, even just shopping. Staying home alone with no apparent social life other than your husband only increases her isolation and dependency on him.

What about people who were friends of your in-laws when they were a couple? Is she in contact with any of them?

It also wouldn't hurt to have a talk with your husband and his brothers and make an effort to bring them back into the fold by participating in MIL's needs. Even if they don't to, they have an obligation.

CM raises a good question. I'd be interested in the answer to that as well.

Just thinking....could you join your husband in some of the work he does for his mother, such as bill management and finances?

Not only would it be less work for him, but it would allow you to help from home and minimize the time he's away. In addition, it might bring him to see your viewpoint by showing that you're willing to help. He might otherwise resent your position that he should spend more time with you and less with his mother.

Then he might be more disposed to understand how you feel about the time he's spending away from home.

You might also check with the local senior center and/or the city or township offices to see if they have chore programs that could help your mother.

You mentioned moving - is she leaving her house and moving elsewhere?

You really should be helping out MIL by shopping for really nice clothes for her new life, even if it takes you days, weeks, and lots of money, but I would not know if you like to shop that much.
BE SURE to send her grandkids over to her house with your husband while you shop, they may really cheer her up!
Then, there is the IV medication. Find a nurse to visit her, not the duty of a son.
Please, don't forget the compassion.

I apologize in advance for my suggestion, because it was my husband who got a lot of rewards for going to his Mom's house to be treated like a king, and meet up with a never ending stream of his ex-girlfriends, who kept in touch with his mom.
Dysfunctional, every Saturday.

Wow, I can't believe so many people have responded. Thank you all.
I didn't type too many details for fear of too much info. and people losing interest and not reading the question.
1. She is 74. Had a stroke a few years ago, gets around ok with a cane for balance. Otherwise in decent health.
2. She is moving to a senior living community in a few weeks. Is very happy about this move; she is social and I am praying this will satisfy her need for company.
3. She needed an iv antibiotic and insurance would only pay to have it given in a nursing home or teach a family member to administer it. INSANE I KNOW. She could have paid out of pocket for a nurse and she can easily afford it; but she is as cheap as they come. So, my husband of course says " yes, I can do that ".

4. My husband has always been a do-er. Plays sports, hangs with friends, works long hours. This does have something to do with me feeling neglected. I already felt this way prior to him becoming his mothers replacement husband.

My concern here is how do I communicate that there has got to be some kind of limits, without sounding like a ruthless nagging nasty witch? I feel terribly , and my resentment is growing so that I can't stand when her number comes up on caller id; I don't even want to talk to her. I am so angry that she has put herself upon us in this way; and is being so selfish demanding he do everything for her; knowing he would never say no.
This winter, we had a TON of snow. He shoveled her roof one day for 12 hours ! She could have paid someone to do it; but I think she really just didn't want to be alone , and loved having him there all day.

I think my husband and I are so far apart on this subject right now; I'm worried and don't know how to bridge this gap.
I'm angry and resentful that he is rarely home; will do anything and everything she asks... But doesn't see the neglect and lack of caring for his immediate family and his marriage.

Ps: I am completely aware of how terrible I sound !

My husband is the oldest son. I think his brothers don't want to do any of this work; and are happy to let my husband do it all. We discussed this when his Dad was ill before he passed away and my husband was there daily helping him ; and I suggested he ask one of his brothers come in and give him a break. He said " if they want to help the will; I'm not asking. I'm doing whatever is needed, and they know what needs to be done. If they want to they'll show up". I am sure his feelings about his mother are the same now. He'll do it all.......
And in the meantime; I'll be here running our house and family alone.
I can't get him to see, just being present in our house is what our kids need. He thinks if there isn't a task needed to be taken care of by him, we can manage without him.

You don't sound terrible at all; but you do sound like your marriage is in a spot of bother. Somehow you need to tap your husband on the shoulder and say "oi, Mr Busy-Busy. What about me and your kids?" Incredibly hard to do that without fear of nagging, whining or being a drag, I know, but it's not an unreasonable point for you to make to him as forcefully as you can manage - he is the father in this household, so where is he?

The variety of things he busies himself with that you describe have one thing in common: they make him popular. What a great guy, they all say. That's a nice feeling for a chap to have in return for whatever he is doing for people; so one stratagem that you could try would be giving him small specific things to do and then laying the praise on with a trowel - just so he gets that warm fluffy glow at home, too. if he feels appreciated to start with, he might be more receptive to your explaining that you would like a bit more of him to appreciate. Then you can gradually start introducing positive alternatives for his mother from there.

All easier said than done, I know. But you'll feel better about the whole thing once you're working to a plan... (heh-heh-heh!).

Good advice; I can try that. I would never want to be married to a man that would leave his mother in the lurch, and didn't care about her. But, we are crossing into new territory here with the extent to which she'll impose and the lengths to which he will go to meet her every request.
You hit the nail on the head with the one thing this all has in common " what a great guy" feedback. He thrives on this. But it always makes me wonder why he doesn't care if we ( his wife and kids) thinks he's a great guy. It's been the issue for a long time; just presenting itself in different circumstances.
Thank you everyone for giving me some options to deal with this.

Cmom, I'm a 60 year old married man and have the sole responsibility for my elderly parents. I can see both sides of this. Husband is a git er done guy, me too, and jumps right on every little thing. For lots of men, that's our nature. It's how we make up for our sins and deficiencies. My wife gets frustrated with me, not so much for dealing with my parents issues, but the whole " We never spend time together, youre always so busy...." I always just love that conversation.

But we manage to balance things. It's not good for me to always be totally absorbed in my parents care or projects I have going. Ya gotta come up for air once in a while.

Our caregiving situations are different. Mom and Dad both living but 600 miles away. They are in their home but it's getting dicey. I will never move in with them nor will they move in with us. I Have to spend periods of time with them taking care of things and this will continue, but I'm not going to sacrifice my life and marriage to caregiving. They will go into care when the time comes.

Having said all that, I really am inclined to side with you in this situation. Hubby needs to be able to balance his life and time for all those that need him, not just Mom. I would not want you to risk your marriage, but I think you need to confront this and stand tough. Don't make it a me or her choice. It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family. Of course this is very easy for me to say. I assume it won't be easy, but don't let this build up till you explode and say or do something you'll regret. If he values the marriage and your relationship he will talk about the issues and adjust. If he refuses, he's got Mom. He can Clean out the spare room at moms and move in.

Just re read one of your posts. Mom is going to a senior living center in a few weeks. It seems like this would help to alleviate the situation wouldn't it?

It appears that you recognize that your real problem is with your husband, not your MIL. Yep, that's definitely the truth.

Ask him to limit his time to two days/evenings a week. And rather than be at his mom's beck and call, he will plan his time with her. Her heart is broken. His is conflicted with guilt. He's the ham in the sandwich right now between you and mom.

Keep in mind that the compassion he shows with her is the same he has for you. And that's a good thing.

Cmom, as you point out, this is an issue that keeps coin up in your marriage. I wonder if either or both of you has ever had the benefit of psychotherapy either solo or together? You can see that he loves the "you're a great guy" feedback; what is it he would tell YOU that he sees in you when you want hi home more often? Does he experience it as clinging and demanding, or loving to have hi around? This seems to be a long term issue in your relationship and probably one worth clearing up.

Been to counseling in the past; time to return. He would probably say : he sees a wounded abandoned little girl who was left by her father as a child and needs to be constantly put first by the man in her life otherwise she feels like she doesn't matter to him. Some truth there; but it's more that I feel abandoned by my husband a lot of the time, and am doing the house/parenting thing on my own A LOT.
Need some deeper help than what was first presented by me. My goodness , am I glad this is anonymous !!.

Cmomthree, maybe it's not so bad. Your MIL lost her husband 7 months ago and is probably feeling a bit lost. She is going to a senior living center soon, so there shouldn't be so much for your DH to have to do. Hang in there. You have a good man. I would say get in his corner to get these things done while your MIL is moving. The first year after a spouse's death is the hardest and she is probably leaning a bit heavily on her attentive son right now. Maybe you or one or more of the kids can go with him when he does thing for his mother, so it becomes a family thing. What I see now is two separate houses that he is being pulled between. As a caregiver myself, I feel sympathy with him. If you love the man, get behind him and work it out together. I love it when I see married people who have each other's backs, instead of only their own personal interests. How old are your children? Be sure they have their Dad-time, too. (Poor hubby. I know he's tired.)

He is, that's why this is so hard. I have been trying so hard to be supportive and let him do what he feels obliged to do: I think the straw that broke the camels back was the iv drug infusions that are twice a day for 14 days; and now her second move in 6 months that she's too cheap to pay for and expects everyone else to do for her.
I will bide my time and pray that this move makes her happier and less dependent on my husband.

I agree with Windy, with Mom-in-law moving into a senior village is a great positive :)
She will develop new friendships, eventually start going things with the gals, and your hubby will be spending less and less time there. In fact, if the senior village has a doctor/nurse office, they could do the IV for Mom.

No more worry about shoveling snow :)

I wonder if you might have missed a trick with those IV drugs. If she needed that kind of pretty intensive therapy for a whole fortnight, I'd have been tempted to push the "it would be irresponsible to agree to this" angle - he's not a nurse, he doesn't know what possible clinical problems to be looking out for, he can't tell if there's something that needs to be reported to her doctor. Always better if you can express disapproval of his intervention on the grounds of protecting her safety! (I know, I'm a big fat hypocrite).

Too cheap to pay for help or too hungry for the attention these little crises win her? Do we have a narcissist alert going off here, Cmomthree? If so, you may want to think about a more active approach than prayer to help you with boundaries.

"PRAIS WITH A TROWEL TO GET THAT WARM FLUFFY FEELING AT HOME"CM, I like that answer! But why do men require so much accolades anyhow? When we Women just dredge on, it pisses me off! GRRRR! Cmomthree, hang in there, it's early days yet, and he hasn't met his ahhHaa moment yet. We will have more tricks up our sleeves yet!

cmomthree, your last message changed my thinking. I agree with countrymouse that you could be looking at a narcissist. If so, all measures of self-preservation are acceptable! Try to get hubby to see the good alternatives. A narcissist can such a person's life dry for as long as they'll let them. If you think you're dealing with a narcissist, you may want to read up on the disorder.

You WINDYRIDGE are an exception in the clueless Male department! But you have been at this awhile and clearly have been able to work through the many angles of difficult care giving with your loving wife and your marriage intact! Good for you both, much admiration!

Pam Stegman offered some sage advice sometime ago on another post. She cautioned against asking or putting a husband in the situation of choosing between his mother and his wife, suggesting that a man will choose his mother.

Windy also advised against making your choice a "me or her" - something like an ultimatum. You'll lose.

He also wrote: "It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family."

I'm sure it's difficult, but if you could find some way to do this - make it a family affair, you'll be able to spend more time with your husband and he with the children as well as his mother.

Readjust your thinking from feeling neglected to seeing this as an opportunity to spend more time with him in an activity that he clearly needs and wants to do.

Sometimes it's better to find a way to make a less than desirable situation work in a compromising way. This could actually be a more positive experience for all of you, and as others wrote, in a few weeks she'll be in a facility.