From her presence alone my blood pressure is high, heart racing. She is sucking the life out of me. Do anxiety meds help to cope?

Anxiety meds help to get you addicted instead of addressing what you need clearly now to address.

I take a 1/2 Ativan once in awhile when I need it, it really helps me and my Dr suggested it when she found out my parents were moving in. I am not addicted,, only take it when I need it. It must depend on the person, Alvadeer.

Medication can help, but you also need to change the environment. And therapy helps too.

If you are not prepared to change you environment, then medication will be of limited use. And that is when addiction can come into play.

Well, sure, medication like Xanax or Valium helps with anxiety, temporarily. For me, limiting my exposure to my toxic mother is what helps me the most. She lives in Memory Care and still drives me crazy, so I limit my phone calls to 6 per week, DH makes the other one, and one 25 minute window visit every Sunday. I take care of all of her finances, necessities (purchases) and everything else required to ensure the smooth operation of her life, but my exposure to her must be limited or MY health will suffer.

You have to figure out what you can do to limit YOUR exposure to the toxicity in your life. You may want to write out a real question instead of a 'header' and explain what's going on in your life that you need advice about. Many of us here are in the same boat and happy to help.

If your mother won’t take the anxiety medicine, get the doctor to give you some instead. Medication is a life saver to many people. It’s not always an addiction.

Karen, What's your current contact level with Mother?

6 phone calls a week + window visit sounds good to me like Lealonnie! Once restrictions end, once a week for a cuppa?

Or do you live with Mother? 24 loooong hours a day?

Also, what's the expected timeframe? Sheltering in place together until other arrangements become availble? Or the start of a caregiving journey lasting 2 decades to the horizon?

Sorry to pepper you with questions 🤗 the space is here if you feel more venting would help.

I have been my mothers “trigger” lately so if she won’t take anxiety medicine than I will. Wednesday night my mother called me all stressed out about medication I ordered for her. I thought she wanted it ASAP from the pharmacy and she actually wanted it delivered snail mail.

Anyway, she yelled at me and I yelled back. It only lasted a minute and I said ok, snail mail it is. You took care of it already. She hung up on me. That was 4:00pm.

She called back at 5pm in a picnic. I can’t breath she said and it’s YOURS FAULT!!! I said what did I do? She said you yelled at me an I am DYING!!! I said breathe. You are having a panic attack. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. I called 911. By the time they got to her house they got on the phone and told me she was fine. She not going to the hospital. Yeah, not my fault I keep telling myself. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some anxiety meds for ME for NEXT time. *PANIC not picnic.*

Rainmom, LOL 😂

Yes anxiety meds could help you. A few years back I went through a bad state of anxiety and depression after my mother put on 20 pounds from a return month visit with my cousin who is also overweight. She had lost weight after a lengthy hospital stay and was pleased. I had worked so hard to get her placed in a AL facility and supplied all her needs for it. In retrospect I think I was mourning years of frustration of dealing with self destructive behavior I had experienced with her since childhood. My family urged me to detach. I have now. I never inquire about her weight anymore. When she calls me usually during the one hour I can't be reached while taking an exercise class and I then try to call her back but can't reach her because she has not put her phone back on the charger I just let it go. I have been over this issue with her ad nauseum. As we await the birth of our fourth grandchild I repeatedly have to tell her that it hasn't happened yet but I will let her know when it does. I know there most likely will come a time when all this worsens but I am not going to spend my present time worrying about all that is wrong and allow it to drive me to exasperation.

Karen, I looked up your posting history. Your mother has been living with you since at least Jan 2011, when you wrote that you were "so depressed" about the situation. And here we are, 9-1/2 years later. Since your mother was 67 then, she must be 76 now?

HIgh bp is very concerning (I have hypertension and take meds to control it). It can cause much damage if uncontrolled. Have you had therapy during the years of being your mother's caregiver? Taken any meds for depression? (If not, why not?)

I don't think therapy and meds to be the be-all and end-all in all situations, though. On this board we read of therapist advice which never seems to be able to do what to-the-point posters can do here. As others have posted, it is the situation that is toxic to you. And no amount of meds is going to change that.

So tell us more...how long has your mother lived with you? How did she come to live with you? (Or is it you who lives with her?) Are there siblings? What is your mother's financial situation? She obviously needs fulltime supervision. Why not a facility? Haven't you done enough?

Sure, anxiety meds could help short-term, but from what you've written you need a LOT more than that -- you need to reclaim your life!

Karen70, I just called my doctors office about anxiety meds. I just got off the phone with the nurse. She said the doctor said that’s not a quick fix. He recommended therapy and antidepressants. He won’t just give me anxiety meds over the phone and he doesn’t recommend them because they are for the short term. Such as anxiety meds people take before surgery or before having a tooth pulled.

The human body was made with a flight/or fight mechanism when faced with danger.

You do not want to medicate yourself or dumb down a natural bodily response, but instead, listen to the danger signals, and remove yourself from the situation.

You choose.

Get more ill, or leave.

To clarify, I agree with Pamzimmrrt and Alvadear when they keep a calming medication on hand, taking it only once in awhile if needed.

Good point, Alzspouse! Who are these doctors SAVING them for? Back I the 1960’s and 1970’s my mother was a prescription junkie. She always got her prescriptions REFILLED WITHOUT a doctors script.

Seems like you have a complicated situation. Caring for a person with cognitive issues can be difficult - especially when they are stubborn, easily frustrated or in a "thought process loop" (continual same conversations or fixated on a topic).

Start by writing down what types of care your mom requires - be specific - and her usual schedule. Then mark those tasks that are easy for you to accomplish. Look at the remainder of tasks. Who can do these (besides yourself)? Family? Friends? members of your faith community? Paid help? Ask from help from each group until you have all the tasks covered.

If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change. Consider respite for a week to a month in a residential facility. If that doesn't help, you may have reached the point where she needs to reside full time in a residential facility.

Please consider seeing a doctor to care for your own needs. Start with your primary care doctor for your physical needs. Explain current difficulties with coping so you can get a consult to see a psychiatrist. He or she can address your overall mental health and suggest various therapies. BTW, treating mental health is not an overnight "fix". I have a daughter with anxiety and seasonal affective disorder (a seasonal form of depression). It took 2 years of trying various medications and therapies to find what works for her. She isn't perfect but handles life much better now.

strangely and oddly, I watched one episode of UNWELL on netflix. It is about essential oils.

A study showed that lavender oil and ativan had same effects on the groups who took one or the other. Results were the same... Yes, ativan helps me when I feel too stressed . Tomorrow, I am going to cut some of my lavender plant, and steep it, boil it, drink it... Not sure, but I think I may try to make myself less stressed... Plus it's basically free. That stuff grows almost as good as weeds...

My friend gave me some fresh peppermint sun tea. She took her dried peppermint, threw it into a jar, and let the sun do the rest. It was so good and refreshing.. I think I will try to grow peppermint.

"If taking care of your LO has gotten to the point that any task seems daunting, it may be time for a change". 

I think Taarna has some great advice looking at the bigger picture.

Is it that you want to keep going but need more help to do it?

Or is it time for a while new plan?

Are you asking regarding you or the patient to take anxiety drugs?

If it's you, you shouldn't take drugs yourself to be able to help someone else.

Who are you referring to?

It would be helpful if you put up a profile. Saves us from having to look back on previous posts.

Is Mom living with you? Does she have a Dementia?

I think you need tools to learn how to sort of block her out. Boundries for another. Really, I don't think medicating your self will help.

It sounds like you have very poor social support. However, your question is beyond the scope of this forum since we do not know your underlying mental-health issues (whatever they are, don't reply--that's your business). While we cannot advice, it is fair to say you may need counselling. If you absolutely hate to care for your loved one, put them in a nursing home--because you are at high risk of abusing them due to poor coping skills.

If they really get on your last nerve, you must learn to walk away and regroup. There were times my mom got on my last nerve, but she could not help it and at all times I was always thankful I had a mom. I love my mom more than my own life, so I did whatever it took to take care of her.

When she died, I felt destroyed and I'm still trying to recover from her death and it's been almost a year ago.

Karen70, I have a PRN (as needed) prescription for a low-dose alprazolam / Xanax. It does work and there is no need to have any guilt or shame to needing something occasionally to help. Of course there are a lot of other techniques to try to help, but am "assuming" you mean beyond that. Do not ever let anyone try to shame you into not taking an anti-anxiety medication.

I try to change the subject when he is in a negative mood by introducing a new idea or fun thing to do. Or I say, “let’s talk about this later”. Or I ask him if he could help me solve a problem? Anything to get him to change his “train of thought”. Putting on soothing music on the radio helps make it pleasant.

I am in a similar situation with my sister who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She "fired" the two agency helpers I had gotten for her without telling me. When I found out I became the most enraged I have ever been and felt my BP soaring. I had a prescription for Zoloft from my doctor but had not started taking it. I immediately started it that day. I was a psych nurse for 38 years and knew I needed something to take the edge off of my moods. It was that day that I decided that I was not going to battle with her any longer and that she would do what she was going to do. The weight off of me was immediate and I was glad that I was able to do this. My BP has gone down and my mood is much better. Giving up control was a great decision. This is not a recommendation for meds necessarily but I plan to continue with them. It takes up to 6 weeks to reach effectiveness but it still makes me feel better.

I do take a very low dose of Xanax and it just takes the edge off. Can you hire some part time home help with her? Get out and visit friends, do something for yourself. I have set some boundaries such as not always answering calls and letting mom leave a message. Shortening visit time and phone time. My mom still lives in her apartment with part time home care and she is well cared for right now. I care for her from a distance and it works. Then when I visit every week she seems glad to see me.

So called anxiety meds, antidepressants, or any other powerful mind altering substances always cause more harm than good.If and when anxiety strikes and or stress is painful, take sublingeal B12 every morning followed by a big healthy breakfast that includes at least one very fresh whole egg.Then take a Bcomplex supplement with a healthy lunch of lots of raw and or steamed veggies with extra virgin olive oil, minced garlic, sea salt, black pepper, and apple cider vinegar.Drink a lot of whole milk every day and a lot of nuts especially walnuts and almonds.Also, remember that nobody can abuse you unless you allow them to do so. Do not try to be a caregiver to a demented person. Arrange for a good assisted l;iving facility for them very near you so you can consistantly visit weekly. Do not bring a demented person into your home nor try to live with one in their home; not unless you truly do feel strong enoughto handle such a challenging situation in a truly productive way.

Before taking benzos research what they do to your brain. I have a mother with borderline and Parkinson’s and a sister that’s paraplegic. I’ve taken zannex and Ambien and antidepressants for 10+ years and it changes your brain. I joined Facebook groups to help come off these thing and you have to taper forever to prevent seizers. Don’t make a bad situation worse, I do not recommend taking them. You think you’ve got problems now. The docs have no idea how to get you off safely and it’s so sad to see all the suffering

You're killing yourself watching her die. Don't start down the drug route. Doctors in my opinion have been the biggest drug pushers around. Its time to put your mom in AL if she's not there already.. That move alone will bring your blood pressure down. You don't need to call her every day. Maybe1 or2 times a week. Limit your visits. When she starts getting snarky hang up our leave. You've got to protect yourself.

Not much to go on here, is your mother still at home and you are her caregiver? or is she in a NH and when you visit does she pounce on your for every little thing wrong?  IF she is at home, when she starts either walk away and grab a pillow and yell into it.  if a NH, just leave and say you will be back when she is in a better behavior.  I personally find myself (when my mom is in a "mood") that I tend to get frustrated and sometimes raise my voice a little, which I know is not wrong.  She has not been diagnosed with dementia but I can see it in her eyes at times.  So now I try to just get up and walk into another room and talk to myself, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  I don't think though that I would get on some anxiety meds because you might find yourself getting addicted to them and then having a really hard time getting off.  See if there is some counseling thru office of aging, or another group where you can talk with others that might be going thru the same thing.  Wishing you luck.........this disease does suck for everyone (the caregivers and the person with it).

Please see a doctor and take medication. Don’t think doctor xx are drug pushers. Your health is getting hurt from what is happening in your body. I know I’ve had a heart attack. My mom is still alive at 91 and in a very nice assisted living but sometimes it’s overwhelming to hear the same complaints. And with Covid-19 restrictions summer complaints are very legit.
do you have a relationship with the Lord? I pray the Lord’s love and peace with fill you.