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A little less then a year ago my husband and I had to close up our home and move in with his mom to care for her. For what was to be the term of her chemo treatments. That did not go as planned and we are here to stay. When my mother-in-law needed hands on care she loved me and wanted me here. (We never did have the best relationship, she can't get along with any daughter- in-law.) Now that she feels she is healed up and can make it around she only wants her son. She has left herself in a spot where she can't make it physically or financially on her own, by her own doing. She refuses to do small things like self care ie... brush your teeth, change your underwear, walk her laps, [in a hallway] ect. Then lies swearing up and down things are done until she finds out you took all the underwear out of her room 3 days ago. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but she has a chronic illness and infection that will never go away in her heart. All it takes is one more infection and she could be done. She lies like this all the time and wants you to trust her. She even wants attention from people outside the family. So if you haven't been by and don't know what's going on, and we dont catch it. She does things like try to go out on the porch with a cane and see a guest when she doesn't need it. Or she will 'forget' she still has her oxygen on. Make her mad though and she can run circles around me. I have managed to get her off all blood pressure and blood sugar medications, practically because of the cancer treatments and drastic weight loss. Which has made her healthier all the way around. Now she slams soda, eats candy and carbs and could seem to care less if it comes back to bite her. She eats more then me and my husband combined most days. Resulting in a weight gain of 23 pounds in 3 months. So not healthy. When I say something to my husband he says I should leave her alone. Pick my battles. This is my battle. I will be the one that must care for her and pick up the peices when she gets really bad again. Which is what I think she wants. My husband is gone at work a lot, leaving me to care for her. When he is gone all is good. When is is home she must have his attention at any cost. From making herself sick, (normally from coughing) to turning the tv up to ear busting numbers, to coughing all night when she really doesn't have to, just because she can't sleep, so no else should. She comes out of her room when he gets up and refuses to go to bed until he does, on his nights off. On the night he works she waits for him to come home to go to sleep. We will draw boundaries and she will cross them make an excuse he buys, which starts a fight between us. She will laugh when he is not in the room about us fighting over her. We raised a blended family together and never and issues like this. I've brought these things to his attention and he can't seem to tell her no or correct the issue. She seems to be a master manipulator, and some how I always end up the bad guy that is seldom happy while they our two little peas in a pod. She paints me as a monster and he doesn't buy it BUT he doesn't correct her. I'm to the point I put in camara but he wont watch. Please help, I just want my husband back.

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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It has to be horrible to be caught in the middle of this turmoil.

You have voiced your concerns to your husband. It is terribly frustrating not to be heard.

Does your husband expect you to always be the one to care for his mom?

I know that you said she can’t afford help but have you reached out to other sources such as Council on Aging in your area? They will assess her needs and send an agency in your area to assist with her needs.

I would call an set up an appointment with Council on Aging, at least then you wouldn’t be doing everything yourself.

What about Medicaid? Could she qualify for that and then your husband can start looking for a suitable facility for her to go.

Of course, none of this is your fault.

As you say, she cannot get along with any of her daughter in laws.

Unfortunately, you are catching the brunt of it all.

Be honest with your husband and tell him that you no longer wish to care for her and tell him that there are other options.

Tell him that you love him and you don’t want the friction in your marriage any longer.

Again, I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Wishing you all the best and I hope that you find a resolution soon.

Take care.
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You can only control YOUR behavior, not his and not hers.

It does sound to me as though you have an incomplete understanding of dementia. Part of dementia is loss of "executive functioning"---the ability to foresee the consequences of actions.

Don't keep sweet stuff in the house. Tell her vaguely "I'll get some next time".

And yes, book yourself a 2 week getaway, even if only on a friend's couch. Let him do the caregiving.
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Sounds to me Mom has some decline here maybe the beginnings of dementia. A good physical will help eliminate any physical problems.
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Honestly it is time for you to go back home to check on things. That could take a month or two. Let him see what it is really like.
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Your profile says your MIL has dementia. People who have dementia often exhibit very unusual and disruptive behavior. It’s due to the brain damage. It might help if you read material about dementia The 36 Hour Day) and watch videos on-line about dementia care (Teepa Snow).

When my LO first got dementia she was very difficult and impossible to deal with. She seemed to be resistant to anything that would help her. I had previously been her favorite person, but she turned on me. Your MIL could do that with you DH eventually and give him a hard time too. I know it’s frustrating, but there is no reasoning with some who has dementia. Is your husband aware of this? Is he in denial?

After reading about all the hands on care she will need in the future, I’d decide if this is something you can manage in the home. Can you get help? What are your other options? I’d explore them and devise a plan A, plan B, etc.
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He just wants peace - so he is ignoring you both. She thinks he is listening to her, you think he is not listening to you - in all probability he is listening to neither of you. Discuss her care with him and come to agreement you look after her when he is out, he looks after her when he is in. That is your time off. Go to bed when you want have a TV in another room for you, leave the evening meal cooking and take yourself off duty when he is in. If she is rude to you when he is out simply walk out saying I don't have to listen to your rudeness and if she chooses to wander on the porch or whatever let her get on with it. Get her an emergency pendant and a copy of "the boy who cried wolf" so she can always get you in an emergency and get yourself some good ear plugs for night time. Sometimes we have to fight fire with fire, she won't be around forever so your husband will "surely like to do what he can for her" whilst she is. (and go out two or three evenings a week with friends and get some enjoyment)
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This post is from April and the OP never responded.
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I wish you had never agreed to any of it. In retrospect that would have been the best decision. I know my husband would never put me in a position to take care of his mother, it's just wrong. Your husband in all honesty should not have expected that of you. Why did he?

You still have your home? Take off for a few weeks and go home if you can. Get some space and some perspective. I feel for you, it is not at all easy what you are doing, you are a good person.
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