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Feeling really bad as a caregiver the guilt is overwhelming. I had a an argument with my Mom about some issues. I raised my voice at my Mom and my Step-dad. My Mom started crying but she cry's easily if she doesn't get her way with her husband or me anyway. I apologize saying I am so sorry that I got upset and asked for their forgiveness repeatedly, but the guilt is killing me! Please tell me is it normal to have arguments sometimes with an elderly parent you care for. I even said I am leaving and can't caregiver anymore I feel so ashamed. I could really use some advice.

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overwhelm, this is so normal. I don't think family can be together without arguing sometimes. It probably isn't healthy not to argue. The only way I could think of nobody every arguing would be if at least one person was totally submissive -- not a very good thought. So don't feel bad about arguing unless something very hurtful was said. I think we feel bad when we argue with our parents because we are taught it is something we shouldn't do. If caregiving teaches us anything, though, it is that sometimes our parents need to be argued with.

I find the best way to make up after an argument is just to apologize for being disagreeable. Then forgive yourself and forget about it. Probably no permanent damage was done.
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Overwhelm, welcome to the club, this has happened to a vast majority of us.

Never in the my life had I ever raised my voice to my parents, but I got so frustrated with my Mom after my Dad had a heart attack. Mom didn't want Dad to go into rehab, she could care for him at home... good grief, at that time Mom was 91 years old.

So sig other and I brought Dad home from the hospital, he could barely walk. Mom said for Dad to sit in the recliner which was on the other side of the room... no way could Dad walk over there he was so weak, so I dragged the recliner to the other side of the room. Oh no, Mom didn't like the recliner there, it didn't look good in the room... I raised my voice "Mom, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU". So the recliner remained in that new location for over a month while Dad recovered. I felt so guilty raising my voice. It wasn't until much later that I realized that Mom was scared.

That was 6 years ago, my parents still are doing fine, still living on their own, but we still get into some snits, but they are pretty much low key.
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One loss of your temper does not make you a worthless piece of crap. Let yourself be human. Excellence, not perfection, will have to do here. You're a real flesh-and-blood CAREGIVER for crying out loud, not a robot or a Vulcan who never suffers anything emotionally.
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Your profile says your mother has Parkinson's. Does she also have cognitive issues, or "just" the physical ones? How is Dad's health.

No caregiver is perfect. I'll bet all of us have said or done some things we regret.For your sake and theirs you need to get past it.

Guilt can sometimes serve a useful purpose. Since you feel this terrible when you lose your patience with your parents, perhaps you can work on building up your patience stamina. I don't mean that getting impatient sometimes is unforgivable ... just that working on that characteristic might be a good thing.

Your mother was "lying." Are you sure? People with dementia (including the cognitive impairment that can go along with Parkinson's) sometimes say things that are not true, but that is different than deliberate lying. Perhaps leaning more about her disease would help you be more patient. Do you think that is possible?

Again, this isn't the end of the world or the end of your relationship. You've apologized. Forgive yourself and move forward.
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Oh, can I relate! Sometimes my Mom goes through these spells where she's up every 2 hours at night. I work full time. The past several months I've gotten crabby when she wakes me. And I'm ashamed to say I've snapped at her. Once when I was getting her up to toilet for the umpteenth time I pulled too hard on her legs and she said "don't be so rough! I know this is hard on you, but it's hard on me, too". I felt about an inch high and apologized. She forgave me. We are human. We have limits. Took me a long time to realize that.
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it is telling you something important to notice that your mother cries easily when she does not get her way with her husband or with you. That sounds like a guilt trip.

Plus, what you told me earlier on another thread about your mom stuffs religion down your throat does not sounds very good either. I am glad to know that you are going to get some respite care and move on for your own well being.

I wish you well.
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Overwhelm, it's too bad you are having to go through this. As stated above, your mom could have some cognitive issues, but it might not be that.

As you said above, that she has lied a lot since you were little. I know a few people like that. Some are in my extended family. It's almost impossible to deal with people like that. Trust is a huge issue.

I did some research on people who lie a lot, often about nothing important, a few times and discovered that it's a complex mental health issue and short of professional help, there isn't much you can do to change it. I hope you don't keep blaming yourself. If you mom is a chronic liar, then perhaps hearing it did make her cry, because she knows it's the truth and that must be very painful to accept. It's normal to be frustrated with someone like that. I wish you all the best.
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I feel for you! I lost my temper way too many times while helping my elderly Mom care for my elderly Dad who had dementia. I was so stressed out and resentful, being the kid who was always responsible to make sure Mom and Dad were safe. For about two years, I stayed with my folks. I'd wake up, get Dad up, help him with toileting, cleaning, dressing, ambulating to the table, cooking for him, giving him his pills, and then, in a stressed mess, heading out to my own stressful job. I yelled at my Dad several times, losing my temper, and the dear man always forgave me. I cry now (Dad passed away recently), thinking of Dad's hurt look after I'd lose my temper. My great comfort is that Dad forgave me and loved me, and that God forgave me. I had time to love Dad a lot before he died, and I know that where he is now, there isn't any pain. So, I try to forgive myself and accept grace and try to cherish the time I have with my Mom, asking God for help to be patient, loving, and kind with her.
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So yes. Blatant uligness directed at me from my mother can trigger a bad moment for me and I will tell her about herself and her manipulation and her nasty ways and how thats the only kind of memories I have of her towards me and blah blah blah and my pressure goes up and she probably dont even remember what she did or what I said. My Goodness!
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Im glad I'm not the only one experiencing this and I'm sorry someone else is. My grandma gives me a run for my money everytime its my turn to care for her for a few days. I always go home and cry it out,ask gods forgiveness and rest up for another round of emotional abuse.
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