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My mother is 83 and is relatively healthy, yet complains and whines about everything and anything you can think of. I know friends who have lost parents and would do anything to have one more day with them. And then I listen to my mother flip out over not having enough chocolate in the house or not having enough money to buy something on QVC even though she buys stuff on those channels constantly and it's always stuff she doesn't need and never uses.


I was watching TV with her and they were showing the devastation in the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian and she starts talking about not having chocolate again and how "at her age" she shouldn't have to worry about money or buying what she wants. The complaining turns into hours and hours of lost time each day and week as she will interrupt anything and everything to talk about herself and what is bothering her this minute. Trying to be a good, understanding son is useless. I can bend over backwards 24/7 for her trying to make her happy and she will find something else to complain about or make me feel guilty about or point out something I forgot to get her when I was at a store or grocery shopping. If she has to wait more than a day for something, I'll hear about how she's been "asking me forever" to get her something.


If I keep her company watching TV, she'll turn off something without any consideration as to whether or not I was interested in seeing it. If I record something and watch it and she's "not in the mood to see this" - off it goes. If I say I'll watch it on another tv in the house, I'll be asked what's wrong with me and why don't I want to spend any time with her. It's always what she wants to watch, what she wants to talk about, what she wants to vent about - and I'm supposed to understand because "I'm 83 - I should get to watch and eat and do what I want at this age! I sacrificed enough for you and your brother!" She moved to the suburbs with my dad, who passed away 25 years ago, she never learned to drive and hates where she lives but never wants to move elsewhere. She blames my brother and I for living where we do. She blames us for everything - if she's not feeling well, it's because my brother or I aggravated her two weeks ago and it's "still having an effect on me." If she doesn't like what she's eating it turns into "if you had bought me xyz last week, I would be enjoying something right now instead of THIS."


She has no friends anymore - she alienated all of them years ago. Her grandkids live in Florida and want nothing to do with her (it's all their fault, according to her), what few remaining family members she has left haven't talked to her in years.


Yet I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is. This is going to sound crazy, but I sometimes think that maybe I died years ago and this is hell. That's what being around her is like. Hell on Earth. If anyone remembers The Sopranos, she is like Livia Soprano times ten - a mean-spirited, unappreciative nightmare who thinks she's smarter and better than everyone else - and entitled to be treated like a queen despite treating others like dirt. I saw how she treated my brother's ex-wife and vowed to never put another woman through that, and as a result have lost out on relationships, short and long term, because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I feel like I'm waiting for her to die before my life can really start and meanwhile I'm 50 and my life revolves around work and taking care of her. I am miserable and depressed and I hate feeling like this and I'm tired of taking care of someone so miserable and angry and hurtful.


I see postings on here and I feel bad for anyone in such a situation. But please know you are not alone. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope, a book or article(s) to read or anything that can help on a day to day basis, I would be so grateful. Thank you.

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You made a promise to your father to take care of her 25 years ago. No where does it say you have to care for her in your home or hers, nor does it say you have to be her servant and wait on her hands and foot.

You will never 'make her happy', she has no interest in being happy, or more to the point, she is only happy when she is miserable and making your miserable.

Get off the merry go round and get your own life. She can move into independent living and complain to her hearts content and you do not have to listen to it.
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Put her in assisted living, independent living, nursing home, I honestly don't care, anything. You can't make her happy. That's her problem, not yours . Put her somewhere and move on with your life . I wish you the best. Please keep us updated .
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Agree with the others. There is literally nothing you can ever do that will make her happy. I know, because my dad was the same way while he was living in my house and I was taking care of him. I would always make myself so stressed and sick trying to do things for him to keep him happy. Like buy him his favorite treats even if money was tight. Be relieved for a couple hours thinking “he’s good now”. But then start stressing that something would come up and he’d be upset again which would usually be within the day. My 4 kids are still at home (ages 9-17), and if I was busy with them he would even say frequently “you had too many kids”. That sort of talk ended when I told him to pick 2 to get rid of, and how sorry I was (sarcasm) that I didn’t remain single and childless in anticipation of the day he needed me to wait on him. He would accuse my oldest of not having learned any responsibility because there were things he wanted him to do for him that I had already laid down as not his job, and my son already had many responsibilities with school, JROTC, the household and his siblings. I got peace after he had more strokes and I moved him to assisted living.

I learned through it all that my dad is a very unhappy person, and no amount of anything in my power would help him with that. I will never get his approval. And the most loving thing I can do is make sure he’s cared for somewhere else. Our parents have lived their lives, we still have lives to live. Go live yours with peace. Much luck to you on this journey!
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You can never ever do enough for a Narcissist, it will never be enough, and it will always be wrong to keep you like a little mouse on a wheel, until you drop dead from exhaustion. Your efforts will never be appreciated. Your Narc is so self centred, you are nothing more than a "thing" that get's her stuff and does things for her and listens to her toxic ranting. You aren't even a person. You must have been groomed to be her servant and this is why it is so hard to leave. But leave you must. You must place your mother into a residential service so that you can have part of your life returned to you. You are 50 and you don't have much time left. Narcs are very good at living VERY LONG LIVES. She could even outlive you. Here is a very good link that I think will help you. It is a set of videos of an older son who got away from his abusive Narc mother before it was too late. The rule of Narc club is NO CONTACT. Now I know this is hard for you to consider, but you need to move towards a low contact arrangement. Good luck. Let me know how it goes!
https://www.youtube.com/user/NarcissimSurvivor/videos
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NancyInSc Sep 2019
"Narcs are very good at living VERY LONG LIVES. " Amen! Amen! Amen! My father lived until he was 93, and my mother is 94 and going strong. At 68, I will die first.
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You are her slave. Please remove yourself from this situation. YOU COUNT. She's had her time in the sun. This is YOUR time.
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PLEASE take the time to reevaluate your situation. I know that you promised your dad to take care of mom but that was before she needed hands on care. We are in a similar situation, DH promised his father to also take care of his mom which was mainly financial since 1995. Along with erranss, taking her shopping, doctor visits etc since she never drove. Fast forward to end of 2017. She now lives with us, getting her house ready for sale was on us,2 SIL help stopped at what they wanted from family home, no other help boxing up, cleaning or clearing out. We filled a 20 yard dumpster with unusable items. I am the main caregiver for MIL, SILs bark orders on a consistent basis TELLING me what to do as nd how to do it (they are clueless about diet,meds, her mental wellbeing) when she came here, she was retaining water, both lungs, abdomen, and extremities had fluid build up. She did stay with younger sil for about 3 weeks after 1st heart attack, but MIL was not being fed a low sodium diet at that time, within 3 weeks of living in my home she was clear of extra water retention because of diet and medication being regulated. Since then she has had 2 more heart episodes, and a couple if TIAs. She is living with CHF complicated by afib. She has also begun the journey of vascular dementia. She is demanding, unhappy with anything I do for her, too much food, didn't want this that or the other for lunch but will "force" herself to eat it. This is after I give her choices and she has chosen her meal. It is what it is. So yes I feel your pain and frustrations as the list goes on and takes on a life of its own. You need to do whats best for the two of you. Her whole focus is on HER, you don't count in her world, no one does. AL would be a great choice because they have activities for her if she chooses to participate. There are people there she can interact with, outings, and a social outlet she doesn't have now. Does anyone have poas in place? We told MIL she needed to move in with us because her house could not take care of her anymore. She wasn't happy about leaving her home but when presented with a list of needed repairs and the costs of the repairs she agreed. Don't know if this would be helpful in your mom's case. Was your father a war vet honorably discharged? Check into VA benifts for mom. Prepay funeral expenses, cremation for her one less thing to take care of. You NEED to take care of you, start living, find someone who you can love and whom can love you in return. You've been there for her, now it's time for you to carve a bit of time out for you. At her age she could actually outlive you, stress is a killer and she's sucking the life from you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Again, time for YOU, life's too short.
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Taking care of here does not mean becoming her servant and whipping boy. You can't take care of her if you are emotionally destroyed by her. Move on. Get her evaluated mentally for moving to assisted living. If she refuses to go, tell here she can find her own place to live. YOU are not a slave to abuse.

Also, as for your promise to dad, I'm going to guess that she's a different person in many ways than she was when she was with him. What would your dad do in this situation? Do you think he would sit there and take the abuse being heaped on him?

You can choose to have both your own life and keep your promise to look after her. It does not have to be an either/or. It just does not have to look like the way you are living it. Figure out a way where you can have both. But you will have to be brave and make some hard choices that she does not like. Just don't fight w her. Fighting w her gives her fuel. Just say this is how it is, and walk away. Let her yell at the walls.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
👏 bravo, MiTo1960.
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"I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is."

I don't suppose this nightmare is what your ailing father had in mind, either, do you?

Rethink what constitutes "taking care of her." It does not have to mean sacrificing yourself, especially not when no matter how much you sacrifice it isn't going to achieve the impossible and turn her into a contented, thankful, happy person.
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I honestly cannot identify with a promise made many years ago about something you could not have foreseen. Perhaps you WOULD HAVE taken care of THAT woman, the one who was there years ago.
THIS woman, however, will likely be the death of you, if you continue on. Your mother could easily have another 15 years of life. Those years will no be easier. They will be more difficult.
Currently you are suffering from "Fix It". You believe because there isn't chocolate in the house you must fix that. If you want to watch something and she doesn't you must fix that. If she thinks you spend too little time with her you must fix that. Sorry. There is no fix for old age. It is a long slow slide into oblivion, and many seniors, whether demented or not, are angry and depressed about it, feel out of control of their lives. Will control yours if you let them.
If you cannot set clear boundaries both for yourself and for her, then it is time to think about placement for her. I don't really want to hear nonsense about promises, about guilt, about how to change her. None of that makes a difference in real life.
Of course, there is this. CHOCOLATE. I WOULD expect an unending supply of Milk Duds and Hershey Bars. Make no mistake!
Good luck, and keep us updated as you evaluate what might work for you. Sometimes it is boundaries, and limitations. In the case of dementia, all stops are off--that's unlikely to work.
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I sure hope you can make some space for yourself!

My mom is also 83 and has always complained about EVERYTHING. Now she's got dementia and it's even worse. Also cue not making friends, being miserable to be around, etc..

She's never going to stop complaining, but what kind of helps me is to sort her complaints into 2 categories; A) Is it legit? If yes then I'll emphasize. New health problem that is totally not her fault? Oh that's tough. Construction next door? Definitely annoying.

B) Is for petty complaints. I've freaking had it with this crap. What's helped me is I turned it into a contest where I rank them according to how ridiculous they are. Currently #1 is, " The swimming pool is too far ." ( she walks 10x that distance daily ). Tied for second are, " My ( delicious ) salad is TOO big " or, " My sandwich isn't sliced! "

I don't respond to petty complaints, but during our 'quality' time, since the petty complaints will come anyway, I now take a back seat and wonder in my head if she can top herself and how I'm going to rearrange my All Time Ridiculous Complaint Chart. The prize is a modicum of sanity!

Wishing you and all of us the best of luck!!!
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MountainMoose Sep 2019
That's awesome, Madison!! Way to help yourself stay sane.
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I also am a Sopranos fan. Livia was a hateful, detestable character. In the wise words of Carmella at Livia's wake: "This is such a crock of s***. I'm sitting here thinking I should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother and, on the other, what kind of example am I setting, evading and smiling and passing out cheese puffs, over a woman we all know was terribly dysfunctional, who spread no cheer at all".

You choose to revolve your life around work and taking care of your mother. The promise you made to your father about your mother did not include "until death us do part". If you want to change, it's within your control and it's your choice. At 50, you are well into adulthood. Your mother could live to 100. Do you want to live the way you do for another 17 years?

Remember that Tony Soprano is in therapy. Change is hard. There's help out there if you want it.
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MrsGumby1208 Nov 2019
I love this answer. Gold. But so very true.
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One word I learned here... Greystone. Look it up. You can run ragged and give up everything but it’s NEVER EVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH. Not today not next year. She doesn’t care how you feel but you need to. You are dying inside so she can maintain a miserable existence. Does that sound sane to you? What are you accomplishing by letting her chew your bones? If she’s miserable and hates her life then she can survive like that elsewhere. Guilt, yes you’ll feel it. Relief, yes you get that too. Stop dying for her, that’s not the promise you made. Making sure she is cared for is the promise you made. So get her out of your home, and cared for by someone else or somewhere else where they are trained to deal with this behavior, you didn’t go to school for this. She’s not going to be happy no matter what, So spare yourself. At least 1 person will be able to smile out of 2 when one person never wants to or cares to smile anyways! Bless you for all your patience and please get the ball rolling... she can be in misery literally anywhere but you can’t be happy with her eating away your soul. You’ll end up resentful and hating yourself for the sacrifice and it’ll never have mattered to her in the beginning or end!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Excellent advice Powerof3! Blessed Be )0(
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Hi vinman31, yeah, her living with you: it's time for that 2 be over.
Sorry to be blunt, but yeah, she's gotta go.
(Just my opinion, if you want to avoid becoming ill urself).
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Please do not feel guilty. Your dad would never have wanted you to suffer life this. You can put her in assisted living and visit her and love her with boundaries! Take control of the situation. Unfortunately, we cannot allow our moms with this disorder to have control over us or the situation. This will cause chaos in your life and hers. Boundaries are needed here and should be enforced. I feel the same way as you because I have a similar situation. You have to survive!
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Oh, and please read this book, Stop Walking on Eggsgells by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger.
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My MIL sounds exactly the same as your mother. A huge help for me is to listen daily to Dr. Les Carter’s YouTube videos. Your mother’s behavior resembles NPD. I hope the videos help you cope with your stress. Good luck. I’m sorry you are in this parent trap.
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OMG! It's like you are writing about my mother! Nearly verbatim! Non-stop whine, complain, guilt trip, pity trip, uncooperative, self-centered (to extreme), poor impulse control, poor delayed gratification.
And for me, no one's here to help me, either.
I moved in with her and her husband, into my family home (my father built it in the 70s), nearly 10 years ago. It's been an eye opening experience, to say the least. So many questions about things in my life involving her have been answered by seeing her in action, day after day. Her bad 'karma', which subtly poisons people into thinking she's nice which in reality is her false self (see narcissism), is something to see. It's from the narcissism which runs in her mother's family, along with extreme religious perfectionism, favoritism, systemic alcoholism (includes guilt and pity trips galore). She has bipolar and GAD, too, though I wonder if they are really just part of the N syndrome (N meaning narcissism).
I have no help whatsoever, and if she needs medical help I am the ambulance. We live 7 miles from the small 'Peyton Place' town where medical care for elderly or mental health conditions is a sham, having seen it in person, and repeatedly. So I moved all her care to the next city, 30 miles away, which means if she needs to go to ER, I drive it after managing to get her in the car.
The hospital staff, drs, nurses, etc., have been marvelous, and have seen her mental health concerns, and now I've become part of the medical team trying to resolve it; note: there is no resolution. She's cantankerous, an adjective more than one nurse has entitled her.
She wants her food, won't eat healthy but must or ends up in hospital, which she also detests. I am a nutritionist so am very careful to provide balanced meals of foods she can eat. Yesterday, she shoved her sandwich away and demanded a hot dog, which she cannot eat right now (I find the healthiest versions, and serve in 1/4 - 1/2 portions).
She continually throws my brother's name at me, as if to bully me into catering to her. She has no clue that he knows her games and isn't playing. He did his time with her, as she kept him around for 20 years doing cheap labor in house maintenance. He lives in another state now, deservedly.
Nonetheless, I am out here, by myself, trying to deal with her 'manic panic' episodes (bipolar manic + GAD, histrionic hypochondria). My father has been so helpful in relating info from his marriage to her, behaviors he saw that I see now. So, aging narc is only part of the equation.
I totally get your story! And I think that we'd do well in a coffee klatch, venting about our agin N mothers.
Please feel free to keep this thread going as typing it has been helpful!
Keep your head up! Gray rock, always, don't let her get to you despite the negativity being like a tsunami every day.
Find ways to nurture yourself (I spend time in the far end of our house, which is peaceful, with my kitties, sometimes on the deck, deep breathing).

You are not alone!
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
Definitely co-mobidities with N's. Also, Otto Kernberg believes there is an underlying borderline structure underneath the N. if you want to look up his lectures on the subject on youtube. Also, in layman's terms, it seems that N's just never really develop beyond the self centred stage of "baby" and are locked in a cycle of baby and mother, they being the baby, and you being the mother giving in to all the needs and demands. I'm glad you have kittens to help you stay sane.
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I hear two big things. Your dad made an unreasonable request not knowing what he asked of you and you agreed to it not knowing what you were committing to do. As the great Maya Angelou says, when we know better we do better.

Your promise was made based on LITTLE INFO other than wanting to appease your father. Now you have more intel to make a new decision. Make it.

For some reason that that I don’t understand, some people think caregiving means GIVING ALL OF YOURSELF but I happen to believe GOOD CAREGIVING is taking care of yourself AND the person with yourself at the forefront so you can do the second half full of vigor and peace of mind. If you’re burned out and overwhelmed and stress in ANY JOB the job won’t be done well. Period.

Make a new choice. Assisted living? A nurse? Separate housing? It’s up to you and what’s best for you. You can do both. Look after your mom and have a life. You just have to figure out the way that’s best for you do it. It doesn’t have to be one and nothing. It can be both. Watch, if you do it, your world will suddenly get brighter, lighter and wider. Start imagining what that will look like and FEEL like and let that momentum carry you forward to actually putting it into action.
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Oh I have been in your situation! My mom's still alive, but barely at this point and all her fire and brimstone is largely in the past. But at 83 she was much the same way. And had also alienated/driven off all other friends and family long before.

Bottom line, as you can clearly see, this is someone for whom NOTHING is ever good enough and who will never be happy no matter what you do or don't do. They are simply incapable of it. Once I realized that about my mom, it became a lot easier to make decisions for her and to have (and enforce) boundaries because I knew that she wouldn't like anything anyway - so instead of BOTH of us being miserable at least ONE of us was happy if I lived my own life & made choices for her regardless of her feelings.

Besides, it's a potent form of manipulation and once you let her know you are onto it by refusing to enable it, it tends to decrease. People who choose to be unhappy and not make decisions that would make themselves happier (ie moving somewhere else)....to see the cup as always half-empty, AND who insist on bringing everyone around them down with them ("Debbie Downer") are giant pills. She's entitled to have a pity party for herself, but she's not entitled to make others participate in it.

It's at this point we often come to an uncomfortable realization - we have to reverse roles and play the role of parent while parents take on the role of children. We have to make unpopular decisions for them and like a parent, we know we are doing the right things for their best interests regardless of much said parent may not like it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. People like our moms don't like ANYTHING anyway so stuff any guilt you may have away permanently. As long as you know you act with good intentions to protect her safety, financial security and physical health, you can sleep well at night. Nowhere is it written you have to be her guaranteed entertainment or slave labor or less worthy of having your preferences met than she is. She may THINK she's royalty, but royals only get that kind of treatment because others give it to them. This woman is down to her last 'subject'...it's time for you to leave her 'court' and demote her to 'peasant' like everyone else!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Awesome and well said words!!!!
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Hire someone to come in for a day or so for you go visit friends or go to good movies. Do something for yourself go visit friends and vent and listen to them for a while get out of that house for yourself your doing all you can do go watch the other TV.
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I can only hope you’ll follow the excellent advice already given. Honoring the promise you gave your father can be done without sacrificing your sanity. You becoming her advocate and visitor in assisted living would allow that. But at the least, if you’re not willing to do that, block the channels for all home shopping! We blocked channels for things we didn’t want our children to see when they were growing up, using the parental controls. Do this for home shopping, a black hole for far too many seniors, and when she rants, deny knowing anything, look innocent and say you can’t imagine what happened
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Takincare Sep 2019
Or cable company stopped offering the channel.
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I got my selfish, narcissistic, angry dad to the ER and when happened I told them I was not taking him home and a nursing home was next step.... OMG what a nightmare... but I told them to medicate him. For the ambulance ride and when he woke up he was there and I told him he needed rehab and when he could go to the BR, fix metals, and function on his own, he would come home... it was a constant reminder he needed more rehab and that was that... sounds cold but when adult children are caring for parents, it is it the parent who decides what to do... I swear I thought my dad would kill me when I talked about this stuff so I did what I had to do... it’s tough, I lived it.... good luck
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
He's lived his life, now you can live yours. Bravo on your actions to get your father into the care he needs. It takes a an entire village to look after a narcissist.
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Sounds very familiar and then add Dementia to the mix. You need to take your life back; she needs to be in assisted living where she’ll have people her own age and experience to interact with. It doesn’t mean you love her less or are not keeping your promise to dad. You are keeping her safe and looked after without submitting yourself to a slow death. I’m the same age so I’m telling you in honesty, your youth is gone and you won’t get it back. Your future is ahead of you, take control. Find someone special to share your future with. Think of what your dad would want for you- a partner, maybe children. But loneliness, suffering and feeling dead yourself are not it. It’s not easy, but you have to start scratching yourself out of the rabbit hole you are in. If you don’t she could outlive you. Take care of her best by taking care of you first. I will keep my promise but know assisted living/nursing home is in our future. All bets are off with Dementia. I can only do so much.
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Stop being a doormat. You have needs too.

My mom sold her home in Illinois and moved in with us for 6 difficult months - until she was ready to "find her own home". I gave her a bedroom and sitting room area to decorate and use as her own. She tried selling stuff at a Christmas bazaar - and took up the patio space creating "her display" for 2 months. She kept packing boxes in her room that smelled of mold and mildew - which I am allergic to - since she didn't smell "anything". She paid us $200 a month and bought some of her own food - this never covered her share of the expenses, but we went along with it. When she wanted to redecorate the hallway bathroom, I had enough.

She visited my sister for a month and I drew up a list of "house rules" with my husband for all of us. Mom read the rules and decided she was ready to "find her own place" - meaning she and I visited many condos for a month until she found the "one". We helped her paint, fix problems with the condo, move, and took out patio pavers that were "illegal". Was it a lot of work? Yes!

Now, I visit my mom weekly and she drives up to our home weekly. She has her home the way she likes it. She drives her own car and takes care of her own needs. My husband and I agreed to try to take care of any house problems, within our abilities, on a monthly basis. Her neighbors have our phone numbers. It is much better when she has her space to be boss of and we have our own.

You may need a similar solution. Start with a doctor's visit for your mom to rule out dementia, depression, and illnesses. Then, take some time away from mom to consider:
Is your mother mentally incompetent or physically dependent that you must tend her constantly?
What types of care does she need, as in toileting, bathing, dressing, feeding herself, cooking, walking, paying bills, getting to doctor appointments or grocery shopping...? (Notice that binge shopping and getting her chocolate are not needs.)
Can you and your mom financially live separately? If not, can you create "apartment" spaces for each of you? I would say that "your place" needs to be less accessible to your mom.
How often do you need to "check up" on mom to feel she is safe and well-cared for?

I would also suggest you read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. They helped me with creating appropriate responses to difficult behaviors.
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I too live with a elderly person my father-in-law. While my wife is the primary care giver, I share in a lot of the responsibilities. To be specific about your problem it sounds like your mom is an addict of sorts. Her addiction is the "world is not good enough and no one around me makes me happy". Sad, I assume no belief in God or a power greater than her? I don't know your financial situation or her health status exactly, but it sounds like assisted living might be a possibility. There is respite care also where you can put her in a senior care facility and you can get some time off. You are experience health care burn out which can believe it or not kill you, or make you very sick yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless!
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I find Richard Grannon's videos to be helpful. He talks a lot about narcissistic abuse, how it affects people, and techniques on how to deal with it.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9xNc-P8GWAdafmAcNVi6g

Someone mentioned NarcissismSurvivor's channel, also good.

Caregiving is hard enough without narcissistic personality disorder mixed in. You don't have to emotionally support someone who doesn't emotionally support you.

I recommend finding a way to minimize contact as much as possible. Adult day services, home care if applicable, assisted living, whatever it takes.
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You need to take yourself out of the day-to-day, hands on version of "taking care of" your mother. This is nuts. You will be taking care of your mother by arranging other care for her. Do you have POA over her finances? Between your money and hers, the expense of AL or hiring someone to take your place at home would be well worth it to save your sanity.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
No, don't spend your own money. Get her into a facility that she can afford.

Do you happen to work for a place for mom? That's the guilt trip they try to lay on people.
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Just because you agreed to "take care of her" doesn`t mean you have to do so 24/7 or to put up with her tirades.
1) If you`re looking for support and ideas on how to deal with her, up to and including moving her to a senior community, start with your local Senior Services group in the state, city or town you live in. Sometimes the local library`s have information regarding these services also or have weekly meetings for adult children of dysfunctional parents.
2) If you are still working, connect with your HR rep and ask about an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at the company you work for. These programs often provide some form of mental health support and are confidential. If your company has that benefit, use it, it`s often free or the fees are very reduced. If they don`t have an EAP, many mental health practitioners charge on a sliding scale, find one that does.
The mental health group the company has hired or the practitioner you have sessions with, can help you learn to set boundaries also.
3) Re: boundaries. You need them. So remember, you`re an adult and so is she...if you continue to act like her child, she`ll probably continue to treat you like a child.
4) Learn to disengage, disengage, disengage. If she starts up with her litany of issues, make any excuse and leave (if you`re at her house). Remove yourself from her presence, go to another room and watch tv or read a book or leave the house.
5) If she needs to get around due to her lack of driving skills, many communities have Senior Services that include transportation. For sometimes no fee or a small fee, they can take her to the grocery store, bank, doctors appointments etc.
6) Food, household supplies, etc. can be ordered online and delivered. Amazon, Instacart, Walmart, Safeway, other grocery stores, for example, can deliver goods to the house. If she can order from QVC, she can order her own chocolate !
7) If moving her to a senior community is really an option, i.e., she`d be willing to go, you`ll need to know more about her finances and assets and her health conditions; the best facilities aren`t cheap. You can research local senior communities on line (or use the computer at the local library if you want to get out of the house and away from her), and research how to determine the amount of money needed, and then pay them a visit for a tour. The administrator can give you brochures, discuss costs, etc. Do that with a couple of facilities close to you and save those brochures.
The next time she starts up with her tirades, acknowledge her disappointment in how she`s being supported by you and your brother and hand her one of the brochures and encourage her to consider moving to a facility that would be more supportive of her needs !!
8) If her husband or she are ex-military, contact the local chapter of the Veteran`s Administration. They have support services and social workers you can talk with on what services may be available to you, as a caretaker, and what services are available to her.
Lastly, the situation will probably get worse before it gets better, as many adult children dealing with senior parents will tell you.
As she ages, more medical issues will be occurring. It`s best you get proactive on getting plans in place on dealing with her now, before medical issues start presenting themselves.

Best of luck and hang in there !
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Sounds like you know about this stuff!!! Excellent advice!!!
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She seems to still have a good mind. Next time she gets going, ask her if there is some place else that she would rather be to better care than she gets with you. Does she happen to have any old friends or relatives that currently reside in a facility like assisted living or nursing home? Go check it out on your own to see about activities or how the friend/relative is doing there. If it looks like they participate with activities and are happy, take mom for a visit. Maybe putting the thought in her head, would allow her to consider others providing her care.

Turning her rants back to her to offer solution may help. Simply put, I'm doing the best I can - do you have another plan or a person in mind who could give you what you need?
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It's great that you're here on this forum...I believe no one should feel penned-in at such a young age (50) and still working full time trying to juggle your life as well as your needy loved one...

What you wrote is pretty much what happens to all of us that have an elderly parent under our charge as their main caregiver. So, you are not alone and these are not unique traits that only your mother exhibits. Which is why being on this forum could be cathartic for your sanity since most of us share your frustrations and stress.

My one take (because there will be so many that can impart their wisdom on the subject of what your mother does) to pass on to you is - get out every so often in what I call "Selfish Time"...even if you must hire a professional staff (like Traveling Angels Nursing Care) to care for her for a day or even half a day, you need to get away from the daily care-giving mode and go do something with friends or even just for yourself that you would enjoy and forget if but for a short time all that makes you feel miserable, depressed, and most of all trapped...

And keep coming to this forum...we're all kindred spirits sharing in all that you go through and therefore, you are NOT alone in this venture!
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you SonInLaw491 - I appreciate your comments and suggestions. While misery may love company, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am sorry to see so many here in the same boat, but I am also grateful for the support I've received on here so far. I think your Selfish Time is a great idea. I think even planning something to look forward to will help ease the day to day stress, even for just a few minutes. And a half day or full day of selfish time sounds like heaven. Thank you again.
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