My father had a stroke and is now completely helpless and my responsibility, but I can't stand visiting him. What do I do?

I would say you are the opposite of a 'terrible person'; you are a very good person for making sure your father was placed in a safe Memory Care AL where he'd be cared for properly and not left alone to wither away. You took the high road, in spite of his abuse & cruelty towards you in the past. It seems to me that the people who were meanest in life wind up with dementia and lots of hardships later on in life as elders; have you noticed that yourself? My mother has always been a big bully herself & was diagnosed with progressive dementia over 5 years ago, living in a Memory Care AL now too. Odd how things like that come around to bite these bullies on their arses, isn't it? Not that I would wish dementia on my worst enemy, I wouldn't, but I have no say in how a person's life turns out.

I think you should limit the time you spend with your father, especially if his behavior towards you is aggressive and you find him repulsive. When you do visit & he keeps at you about 'going home', just tell him 'when the doctor says you can go home, THEN we'll discuss it. Until then, you will remain here on doctor's orders.' That seems to be a standard response you can use each & every time with him. Blame the doctor. Then beat a hasty retreat OUT of there. Dementia and dementia-like behavior is a difficult thing to deal with even when the elder has a sweet disposition, never mind when they're acting like a caveman towards you!

I only spend about 45 minutes with my mother when I do go visit her in the MC. There's only so much to talk about, and only so many times I can answer the same question about where the dead relatives are! When you do go to see dad for a visit, bring photos and snacks to keep him diverted and from asking repeated questions continuously.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. FWIW, my mother is 95 with advanced dementia & more issues than Newsweek. I have no doubt she'll hang on till she's 100 and I've had to jump thru the Medicaid hoops to get her placed in a nursing home with a roommate when her $$$$ runs out, God help me. Like Billy Joel says, only the good die young.

lealonnie1 gave good suggestions: shorter visits, work on peace in your heart that this is the best outcome for all.

You may want to see if his facility has things like visiting musicians and pets. If it does, try to visit him during these times so there's a distraction while you're with him, then leave before the distraction ends, or pre-arrange for one of the aids to come in on some pretense to distract him before he starts lamenting about getting out. I do this with my MIL, at the very least wheel her in front of the tv and turn it to her favorite show then say my goodbyes. It's easier.

You can grieve his being in MC or you can think it serves him right, but the ultimate truth is that there is really no choice about it. Let him be unhappy; there is little here to be happy about. Tell him you are sorry, but this is the only choice for his safety now; tell yourself that also. And you have a right to vent. It lets some steam off. A terrible person would not CARE about any of this; guilt belongs to felons. The other G-word is grief. Grief for him and for yourself as well. Allow yourself to just feel it, own it; not everything can be fixed, not at ANY time of life, and especially not now.

"Dad is not liking his new living situation in a memory care facility"

I know this sounds heartless, but too bad. First, he has Dementia and most want to go home. He is lucky that you took on the responsibility of finding him a nice place. Problem is, Dementia keeps him from realizing this. As an abusive parent you don't owe him anything. You don't have to visit him. He is in a safe place with people and things to do. If he doesn't take advantage of that, that is on him not you. Forgiving is for your wellbeing but don't forget. If you seem to be the reason for his agitation visit very little. Maybe just check in. Ask the staff how he is after you leave. Do they have problems with him. If so, there's ur reason for not visiting.

Yes, you are a good person to have done this much. I am a big believer in what goes around comes around.

This is the best time for you to make peace with your father. He is not anymore the person he was. He might die at any time. He is not out of danger yet because his brain damage is permanent. Any complication could mean the last push to leave this world.

Abuse is horrible in my eyes. And I hate the idea of a family member who abuses their own family members.
Nonetheless, as we live in this broken world, stepping up is the correct answer for all of us, no matter how we feel at the time. Forgiveness is the ability to act in love, and to apply it in all aspects of life, no matter. The highest call for anyone abused is perhaps showing love to the one who did the abuse.
healing is ahead of you I’m sure.
Abuse can be identified in not caring for our fellow man, our neighbor, our family.
Let love abound and see where it takes you.
Something I wrote:
True love is a commodity of high value that is spent towards another and asks nothing in return. It never runs out, it never takes, it only delivers its best. 
Love follows mercy, as simply as water runs down a stream. Love continues even when it is not welcomed, for it has no other agenda. If perhaps we loose hope, and find ourselves in despair, we can know for sure Love is on its way. Holding on to this, is the holding on to a unwavering trust that love is not far away. 
Love has a name.

There is much I can relate to here, both in the initial post and the responses. Appreciate the whole thread. It causes me to reflect on the staff who work in these facilities. Day in, day out - taking care of the people we have so many issues with. Let's remember them with kindness for the work they do. These placements couldn't happen without them.

If it were me, I would walk away.

I can understand your feelings. People like this should think about that while they go through life. Someday they will get old and need help and will anyone care about them and want to give it? I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do but you can still “honor” your father by visiting, looking out for him and trying to forgive him as much as possible. They old saying is “hurting people hurt people”. Was there something in your dads past that made him turn out how he did? If you can try to forgive, you will have more peace when he passes. Maybe it’s time you tell him how you feel. Perhaps in his own way he may seek to reconcile and healing can begin. I resented my dad for years as he and my mother divorced when I was very young. I was never very close to him and feared his temper. I ended up taking care of him in my home the last year of his life due to vascular dementia. It was hard, but it sort of gave us a bond we didn’t have before and I felt a lot of peace when he passed that we had that time of reconciliation.

Just continue to keep him in your prayers 🙏, God knows what is best for us all, it's all in God's Timing. Thanks for sharing, Gjbrown

Wow…

I was in a similar situation with my Dad. He was abusive to me and my Mom. He was a nasty person.

On October 28th of last year, Dad had a stroke—left brain decline, right side paralysis. He wasn’t taking his meds regularly and had a bad diet. He argues whenever we are trying to explain the risks.

After his stroke, I was told he needed to do a theraphy. We were given two options: home visit or nursing home. I took the 2nd option because of our (mom, husband and I) complicated work schedules.

Once admitted at the nursing home, my Dad was demanding to be placed back to ICU because he said he wants high-tech “machines” around him. My Dad is afraid to die. He also said that I should move him into a high-tech facility (he only had partnership, no retirement because he never work here in the US, no savings), so there’s no way we can afford it.

3 weeks later, Dad’s theraphy isn’t working. His paralysis that started on his right arm, now has also affected his ability to stand up. He became wheelchair bound. This made him so depressed and angry that in his 4 weeks at the facility, he started telling eveyone at the facility that I was abusing him back when he was still at our house. He said that I broke his finger, hit his head, isolated him and accused him of stealing money (he actually did steal money from my Mom, we caught him). The facility reported me to APS but they closed his case because he no longer lives with us. My Dad also told the social workers that he prefers living at the nursing home but later insinuated that he wants to return at our house.

I did weekly visit to him but during one of my visit, he had a meltdown. He started screaming telling everyone that I am a bad daughter, a liar and that he is done talking to me. Because he was hard of hearing, I had to raise my voice to calm him down but some of the Asian staff (we are Asian too) thought that I was verbally abusing him. From there on, Dad has begun telling more lies about me which gotten to the point where the facility advised me that whenever I need to visit him that I should have a standby witness for my Dad’s “protection”.

My Dad’s nasty behavior only gotten worst when a witness was present, he was cursing at me and my Mom (who could only facetime him). He took advantage of the situation and keep adding more lies about me being an abusive daughter. He also told the witness that I am a fake person, and was only pretending to be nice. While I was talking to the witness about whether if my Dad is involved in any activity, my Dad assumed that I was convincing the witness to take my side. He was so outrage that he yelled at me to SHUT UP!. Because of his behavior, I decided not to see him the following week.

However, on January 9 of this year. I got a call from a hospital. I was made aware that my Dad was admitted at the ER for throwing up blood and abdominal pain. That same day, he had a massive stroke and the damage it caused was irreversible. He lost the ability to eat, and talk. He ended up in a vegetative state and almost all parts of his body was swelling too. Days later, he tested positive for COVID but was returned to the nursing home. He died on the 19th.

After his death, his relatives were accusing and blaming us of his death. They made side remarks, was complaining about how I handled my Dad’s burial, and was rudely talking to us on the day of my Dad’s burial. They can say whatever they want to say but I don’t care anymore. We are free now that’s what matter most.

When my Dad was still alive, he put me and my Mom’s life through hell. Now that he is gone, I felt like a major burden has been lifted from my shoulder. He was lazy, alcoholic, an emotional vampire and an abusive person. I’m glad it’s over.

You will overcome this, you don’t need to see him if you don’t want to. Nobody can forced you. You need this time apart to focus more on your life and happiness. I know that sounds horrible but you must put yourself first.

My mother was a horrible human being and dementia only makes it worse. My brother and I talk about this weekly and sometimes even daily as we deal with her and other people's opinion about how we should feel or treat her. I rarely visit her but most of her judgement was and is directed at me rather than him. He also dislikes her but has a little more patience. Neither of us feel sorry for her. However I was surprised how able I was to muster sympathy when she broke her hip and was drugged up and hallucinating. When she got back to herself I stopped visiting. Both of us see a counselor where we also dump our feelings out. These feelings unfortunately don't go away. You just have to acknowledge and process over and over. Good luck. I don't see any reason for you to place blame on yourself. You just need to process the feelings and know this is normal. It is simply what is needed.

We went through similar experiences, but Dad became mellow with his dementia 'most' of the time. The good part is that you can walk away when you've had enough. I also found that just us one on one I could guide him into talking about his childhood and learned a lot of where he was coming from. Eventually I was able to tell him that I forgave him and I think he knew what I was talking about because tears came to his eyes and he reached for my hand. It was a blessing for both of us.

I would normally suggest looking for another care facility for your father if the quality of care in the one he's in is questionable.
Is it a decent place? Is it clean and does he get good care? Does the staff encourage the residents to take part in social activities?
If your father is in a decent place and he isn't acclimating and accepting it, there's nothing anyone can do. You can move him to a different facility every week and it will make no difference.
I totally understand why you're disgusted and don't want to visit him.
There's a history of abuse. The stroke and dementia that followed was not responsible for his abusive behavior and bullying towards you, your mom, and your brother. History does not rewrite itself because an abusive person gets sick.
What does your brother think? Does he visit him? Does your mother?
You don't have to visit him because you don't owe him anything. Please don't beat yourself up with guilt over a situation that is beyond your control. Don't be ashamed of your feelings either and think they should be different.
My father had a stroke when he was almost 91. Prior to that he had never been sick in his life and was still living completely independently. He had to go into a nursing home. Less than a year later he died. I was not close to my father and neither were my siblings. He was a very selfish person who lived his life for himself. I did right by him and stayed on top of the nursing home to make sure he was being decently cared for. This was not out of any great love or affection for him, but because the nursing home was getting big money to care for him, and all human beings deserve to be decently cared for when they are in need.
I never had a moment of guilt about not caring for him myself and I've been a caregiver for 25 years. You shouldn't have any guilt or regret either.
You did right by your father by putting him in a facility. Giving a person what they need is often very different than giving them what they want. Your father is getting what he needs in te care facility.

I think you should get counseling to survive your years of abuse, and that's where your energy should go, into your own healing. Your Dad is in care. I can imagine that you do have feelings when you see him going through as much helplessness as you once felt yourself. Those feelings are best combed through with a skilled therapist.
You will know you are healed when you can think of your father as a flawed human being you had the misfortune to be matched with during years you were helpless, when you know that you are NOT helpless now and can help yourself, live a quality life, and prevent this from happening in your own future.
Forgiveness and Forgetting are not the same things. Please get help. Your Dad is in care, now, as you say, and has help. It is of little import to me whether you visit him or you do not. It is important to me that you seek professional help for yourself. My best out to you.

This may sound harsh but, Do not feel guilty! I was married to an abuser for 40+ yrs. I left him for 2 months, was planning on filing for divorce then he was diagnosed with a rare disease. He was my children's father and i felt i owed it to my children to care for their father in his last years so i went back and took care of him knowing i'd need to serve a bit more time so my girls didn't have to. I owed it to them, not him. I did a good job, despite him refusing to let anyone in the home to help me. I kept smiling through it all, but when he passed i honestly felt nothing but happiness and relief. I never shed 1 tear because he was not worth it. I've not missed him 1 day in 9 years. I only did it for my children. Otherwise i would have walked away and let the chips of Karma fall where they might. He was very lucky to have me.
Don't listen to those preaching forgiveness. The abuser is not worth your time or thoughts. Forgiving for yourself only forces you to think about the abuser and all he put you and your mom through. Dont waste your time on him. He's darned lucky to have you visit. Sounds like he was only a sperm donor.
Again, do NOT feel guilty. Fill your world with happiness and try to forget about him. If you're uncomfortable visiting, then don't! If you feel the need to visit, limit your visit to no more than a few minutes and as you're walking out the MC door, take 5 deep breathes and go do something fun. YOU deserve it. My mom was a bully and abuser as well. Not to just her children but to other members of her family. I visit her in MC, listening to her tell me she wants out of there, while being nice to her, taking her cookies, spending 30 min with her 1x week. Then i do as i suggested...i leave memory care with a fun plan. To take 5 deep breathes while walking to my car. Once in my car, i roll the window down a couple of inches put my head back for 30 seconds going to my tropical island, then start the car and go meet a friend for lunch, shop for groceries or whatever I want or need to do and come home to my sweetest fur babies.
That's all the time you're abuser deserves from you.
Good luck and DON'T. FEEL. GUILTY!

First of all, he is where he should be - in a facility. YOU should not have to tend to him and take care of him with his many physical problems and behaviors. Feel NO guilt. Second, why on earth do you care about him considering the abuse and horrors he heaped on you when he was with you. What you feel is perfectly normal. He was cruel and mean and a bully and made your life hell. Let's say what he sowed, he is now repeating. That is how it should be and is justice pure and simple. Of course, he disgusts you - he would disgust me too. WHY ON EARTH DO YOU GO AND SEE HIM IF IT HARMS YOU? Don't waste your time - he will NEVER understand and nothing will change and it will get worse. Let him be part of your past - there is NO present and NO future. He burned those bridges. Let go and walk away and move into a new happier future part of your life. I think you are wonderful - and if you say bye, then you are very wise too.

I totally understand what you said "ultimately I just wish all this suffering would end as soon as possible," especially since the abuse continues. NO, you are not a terrible person. I write that for you, myself, and all of the other people traveling this road. I do know one thing for sure, if I was dealing with him, I would have a hard time not telling him that nobody would want to live with someone who acts that way. As the saying goes, "You don't bite the hand that feeds you."

Abuse? Get an elder law attorney and visit a few close by assisted living or memory care facilities and ask for help from the one you like. You need to announce that you accept no responsibility for him. Get a social worker to take over for you.

Get him and those memories out of your life. You need to take care of yourself, because he didn't.

Many people here are feeling the same way including myself about my mother. She never gave a minute's concern when I needed her help. She was a difficult mother and an absent grandmother. I make sure she has what she needs and is cared for. I will not deal with her myself. I may or may not see her once a week. All her supplies, food & meds are delivery. I set up her home doctor appts & fill her pillboxes 5 weeks at a time. She has part time caregivers. All my family including my sister says give her a chance to miss you.

Your dad is cared for, set more boundaries. Check in with the staff occasionally and if there is an issue they will call you.

We are called to see that our parents are cared for. This does not mean we actually need to be present or hands on.

You are not a terrible woman.

Many care givers are taking care of an abusive parent.

There is no shame in telling him that you will no longer provide care for him until he repents ( repent means to admit what you did, admit it was wrong, apoligize for it, ask for forgiveness and make amends ).

If he refuses to do that then just walk away and let him lay in the bed he made for himself

You say, "My father had a stroke and is now completely helpless and my responsibility". Why is he YOUR responsibility. You say you have a Mom and brother. What are THEIR responsibilities? You have done the bulk of getting appropriate care for an abusive, aggressive and demanding father. The stroke has clearly inhibited his brain function and I would speak to the doctor in the memory care facility to prescribe some meds to calm him down.

Don't feel guilty. In spite of his lifelong abuse, you have taken the high road and have gotten him into a facility to care for his needs. The facility is a "memory care" facility and should be equipped to "handle" his meanness and aggressive personality. Don't let them tell you otherwise. That's their job. That said, have you asked the staff (out of his hearing range) what he is like when you're not there? I guarantee they would not put up with any "abuse". Again, talk to the facility doctor and/or Social Worker to get their input and get him on some calming meds.

Or don't. If this situation is too much for you, stop visiting. Again, don't feel guilty. It is what it is. YOU cannot change the situation. He is where he's supposed to be. Be happy you don't have to directly care for him.

Please forgive yourself and forgive your father. Your own life will be happier if you do both. Please don't bring him to live at your house. It sounds like he needs a much higher level of care than you can provide. He may not have been the father you wish you had, but he brought you up as best as he knew how. He'll be better off in an assisted living facility. It will takes some time for him to adjust to a facility, especially if he didn't have a say in going there. When you visit him, your responsibility is to make sure that his care is good and to give him some love, if you are able. You are not a terrible person. Just try to find some kindness in your own heart to see that your father is going through a terrible time, being incapacitated and not being independent, as he used to be. All the best to you both!

outsidethecage: Imho, he may not be YOUR responsibility since you state that you have a mother and a brother. Also, perhaps you should seek counseling for the abuse that he put you through.

He may have been cruel when you were younger, but now he has
- impulse control issues
- difficulty accepting reality
- anxiety and agitation...

All of these can be part of his stroke. Let his neurologist know about the symptoms so they can be treated.

It sounds to me that you need distance from your dad to process the pain - 'the abuse and cruelty he put' you through. It is understandable that you would feel emotionally and psychologically conflicted now.

I feel you are ask: "wondering if anyone else has felt this way or ..." you are reaching out for guidance on how to heal yourself and feel compassion, both for yourself, for your dad. It is more than feeling as you do, it is needing support to process through your conflicting feelings - and behavior.

Forgiveness is a huge gift as it heals YOU, the forgive-r.
However, it takes inner work to do this.

I'd suggest that if the memory care facility can manage his care without you visiting, you need to take some time to heal yourself - and not just 'leave him' and do what you usually you. Get a therapist, seek spiritual support (not the guilt ridden traditional kind = learn to meditate), go inside and feel what is going on.
You have a lot of pain / trauma to process through. You can provide your dad some compassion and prayers from a distance, realizing he was wounded to inflict the pain on your that he did. This will take you time to 'want' to do this. You need to heal yourself, first.

As you mention ... "or if I'm just a terrible person" you need to learn to reframe your thoughts and feelings about yourself. Of course you are not 'terrible,' you are traumatized and need to heal. You need a professional to help you. You are a product of your environment / experiences / and, as a child, needing to trust a parent who you could not trust (a child doesn't have the ability to self-protect).

Be aware of saying 'the shoulds.' There are no shoulds. This is guilt talking to you and what a part of you feels you need to do. You do not need to do anything besides heal yourself through compassion, and forgive your dad for your benefit, not his.

You didn't say if he had a stroke. NO one wants to be in a facility when recovering or learning to manage living with disabilities from a stroke. He will continue to lash out. Expect this. Do you subject yourself to it - you've taken enough - and it is NOT your responsibility to be a doormat for his abusive behavior. You can learn to 'understand it,' as you say his brain has changed. Yes, that is correct. Still, this doesn't mean you subject yourself to his abusive anger. This is not your responsibility. When you get this, you will feel a huge relief, and start taking your life back by learning to love yourself. It is a life-long process. One step at a step. One moment at a time.

Gena / Touch Matters

You are not a terrible person!!! It’s really okay to distance yourself from him. I think your disgust is a pretty healthy reaction to an abusive parent who is even more aggressive now because of his situation. There’s nothing you can do to explain why he’s in the facility—his brain isn’t working right, and even if he was fully there he’d be in a rage about it.

You have responsibly stepped up to the plate and placed him in a facility where he’ll be safe. Growing up in an abusive home is often very guilt inducing, and it’s snaring you now. I think there’s a kind of societal expectation that, of course, you’ll lovingly take care of your parent in their old age. But those folks have no idea of what it’s like to live in an abusive household. Being with a basically terminally ill parent requires a certain amount of intimacy. I ended up with PTSD growing up with our parents. I just could not bring myself to visit my mom—2000 miles away—when she got cancer. I’m sure her step family were horrified but they were clueless about the way she treated us.

My brother is in a nursing home with hospice care due to brain cancer. I traveled 1600 miles when we thought he was on his way out, but he’s rallied now. We never know what he’ll be like day to day. We’ve been very close but I’ve found I had to shorten my visits to one to two hours, and take at least one mental health day a week. And this is someone I dearly love! Shorten your visits to one hour and not every day. This is the time to also find a good therapist. Good luck!

1) NOT a bad person; 2) I hope you have a therapist to help you put the pain behind you; 3) Make sure he has someone to supervise his daily care and that he is safe; 4) let anyone who may still care know where he is; 5) Go live your life

You are ok to feel like this. Easy to say don't feel guilty. My mum had Lewybodies dementia. Her behaviour was up & down. Reminded me of when she was drunk. She had to go into a care home. I often felt dread , guilt visiting her. At one point I missed a few weeks because I couldn't cope. She couldn't talk to me or communicate I struggled. I went to counselling & the lady said if she dies you might regret it. See it as like a surgeon who has to perform an operation on a criminal. He still does the procedure even if he doesn't like the guy. Well I started to visit & in the end I was able to give her drinks & make her window sill pretty & I was glad I was sitting with her as she was passing away. But everyone is different. Try to get some counselling or talk to someone like a vicar. Have a break from seeing your parent take 2 weeks out & see how you feel away from him. If you feel a tug you need to see him then go visit. You only know how you feel. Noones pointing a gun at your head & it's not your fault his brains not working. Or just reduce the visit to once a week for half an hour. Let the staff manager know how you feel aswell. Sending you a hug

If I can rise above it, I know it is possible for you too. My mom and I never had a good relationship. She was always jealous and hateful. She was in a marriage she didn't want and was not happy about it. She told me I was her "punishment" from my dad. He impregnated her on purpose to trap her. It didn't help that I look just like him. Fast forward and now she is 81 and has had dementia for the last 10 yrs or so. I manage her care because my brother doesn't feel its his responsibility. In the beginning it was rough and I thought...oh the irony that your "punishment" is the only person around to take care of you. Now I just feel sorry for her. The last quarter of her life she is basically helpless and can't do the simplest of things. There are some days where I wonder if I was her punishment or if she was mine..... but I have gained empathy for her that I never thought I would have. Maybe you will get there some day with your father...or maybe not. Maybe you'll choose not to go see him. Just know that either way is ok.