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I have been taking care of my father for the past 6 years, and throughout this time he has let himself go, as he will not try anything to keep healthy. My father has always been verbally abusive, but because I care I had him move in with me. When he moved in and his health went worse, the stress got to me and my epilepsy came back around the same time. I am the only one of us 4 siblings that is not married and have no kids, and can't. My father has ruined some of my relationships because he is lazy and mouthy. It has now come to the point that I am seeing a psychotherapist every 1 to 2 weeks and a psychiatrist once a month.

My epileptologist has threatened to write an order telling me to move out, as they have said stress is my biggest cause, and that my seizures are getting worse and killing me, literally. I have begged for help, even just for them to come up with 100 dollars a month for me to hire a housekeeper 2 hours a week for a break.

I make less than 1/3 of each of their income yet I am the one paying for all of this, and my income is only SSDI. I have no idea what to do now, as I have also had to sell everything of mine to keep up with bills. My siblings always make excuses as to why they never come visit or they can't help. I know my father is mad at them too as he has had me set up a new will, trust, DPOA and so now when he passes, as I am the executor, I have to tell them it explicitly states they are to receive nothing and it all goes to me. I hate seeing my family like this and wish I knew what to do.

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Dear Derpina,

I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I know you have done a lot and you've now reached a critical point. Please consider talking to a social worker, family therapist or counsellor. Is it possible to move your uncle to an assisted living facility or nursing home?

I hope you can get some sort of respite. It is a lot for one person to be responsible for caring for an elderly person. Your uncle might have some dementia and maybe that is why he said these hurtful things.

I hope you can get more help and find a better balance. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
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I am in a very similar position. I care for a 90yr old uncle who is ...well...abusive...at best begnin-ly neglectful...same can be said for my family. It has all been a guilt trip 4 me. He took me in (not w/o pressure) when I was in need. But he is an absolute downer. He is dependent on me now...and NEVER can be thankful...yet reminds me of my bad times. Huh?
I have enlisted visiting help (aides, visiting MDs/nurses). Handle his meds. I cook and clean 4 him. FOR NO PAY. He cannot afford it. All of his benefits go towards HIS care. I too am at the end of my rope. My health (physical, mental and spiritual) are bad. HE IS A FULL TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Yet he and my family say...find one. Ummm...huh?
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wow! i agree with all the above answers. you need to find a good, reliable elder law attorney. you should become the poa and reimburse yourself for all of the money that you have spent out of your own pocket towards the care of your dad. your dad should also pay for the attorney. and he should be paying rent and putting money towards food, etc. there are all sorts of ways the elder law atty can help you protect your dad's assets. some things need to be set up x number of years in advance. don't know how much longer your dad has but the atty can advise. their knowledge is priceless! keep good records too. also - you really need to get him settled in somewhere else and visit from afar, like jeannie said. you are killing yourself. keep looking for help until you find it. and keep posting here. there are alot of knowledgeable and compassionate people here. God Bless you!
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hI s10sleeper, I was just checking your profile to see the latest updates. Thanks for letting us know. Any possibility of trying to also apply for Medicaid? I understand from my reading around this thread that a person can have BOTH Medicare and Medicaid. If you can get Medicaid, you can put him in a nursing home or a memory care unit. Please call around - starting first with your local Senior Citizen gov't department. We have one here on island in the middle of the Pacific. I'm hoping that you would have one. Ask if there's any programs to help you. Truly with your "disability" and father's "old age", you both should be able to qualify for the federal housing program. Please be Proactive. Talk to your doctor for recommendations. They will know something. I'm so worried about you. {{HUGS}} Book
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Please don't blame yourself. Your siblings know darn well that if they were helping out, that they would receive part of the inheritance . It is one thing if a sibling lives in another state and/or has an extremely demanding job, and literally cannot help out much, but it sounds as if your siblings do indeed have the time. Everyone has time to help out for a couple of hours every so often. In addition, I think some siblings use their children as an excuse not to help out. They unjustly feel that since they have raised children that they are off the hook when it comes to caregiving for their elderly parents. I understand how you feel, as my sister will literally not help out at all, and several times I have asked her if she would watch our mother for a couple of hours while I went to the local mall, but "she doesn't have the time," yet she was in FL for a week this past February. There are no compromises with her. I have tried to manage the resentment I have about my sister's arrogant attitude, but I have come up at a loss. I do want to say that you do deserve all of the inheritance, as your sisters know if they stepped up to the plate and offered to help, they would get compensated for it. They could have changed the situation and helped out, but they chose not to, so to heck with them.
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Well, recently I did start taking time for myself. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse for my father and I. The landlord changed agents, putting his son in charge. After getting a good zap on the dryer outlet when I was installing a new dryer due to an uncovered outlet, I sent a request for repairs, in the list I put in the other repairs they promised. He immediately called me yelling at me. I gave him 30 days and then called the city, who did a full inspection, and the house failed, and the city inspector sent him a list of 30 repairs needed, oddly enough, the same day he showed up with a termination of lease.

We had to figure out a way to move and to a place we could afford. Unfortunately the house is a slum as the new landlord has not finished the add on they did so it is falling apart.

Now my fathers health took a turn for the worse, when we were pushed out of the other house in retaliation, he had a heart attack, he developed diabetic wounds on his foot recently and may be losing his foot.

I have given up on my siblings, and my father has professionals come every day to dress his wounds. I have his DPOA completed, but not his revocable trust.

As far as the Irrevocable trust, it terminates at the time that my father and his siblings are all deceased.

My father has a lot of costs due to meds not covered by medicare and a lot of doctors appointments, recently he has had to pay most of the bills too though I do all I can. I may be moving out, and he will also find a different place, but will be sure it will be very close to a lady he is very good friends with, or near me.
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I finished a two week vacation a week ago and all I can think of is "Oh my God, how can I make it through another year before I have time off again!" I have felt bad before but this is the worst it has ever been. I too have siblings and one lives with us but as far as sharing the care giving, that just isn't happening. I too am the one not working but disabled and everything has fallen on me.

I have POA but unlike you I will not inherit everything that is left when my mother passes away, it will still be divided between the 3 of us if anything still exists. I am really having to think at this point about what I am going to do, I have been doing this for 4 relatives for over 10 years and I am at my wits end. I have no life but I want to change that, I have to change it.

I am considering paying someone to come and stay every once in a while and I think I need to have a sit down with my sisters and lay it out that I cannot and will not continue to do this. I too have epilepsy and panic and anxiety as well as other ailments but I cannot let this take my life away from me, I have a child who needs their mother and as much as I love my mother, my child will not lose me in the process.
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Let go of your wishes for sib support. Grieve it or whatever but it will never happen, don't waste your time trying to get them to care about dad or you.

Take others advice here and have a sit down with dad and go over finances. Have a plan on what is reasonable and have him contribute expenses then tell him because of your health he will need to spend money on in home care a few hrs a wk or whatever you need. Give him ultimatum and tell him if he won't comply then he will have to go to asst living. Then act on it and immediately hire care and have him sign the contract for care.

Also check with local senior services center, will he go there each day for their activities, lunch? This would give you break. Some places have adult daycare that might be economical option for you at least a few days a week.

Take care of your health and well being first and foremost, let go of the anger with sibs ... That ship has sailed, create a new life for you as much as possible and join a support group if you can for caregivers. They will be a tremendous resource for you as we'll as helping you sort thru feelings.
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To be completely honest. Those who don't already sympathise with you probably never will. This is something that most people will never understand until they go through it themselves. Don't expect much from those who don't deal with this day in and day out. They just don't get it and or they are too self absorbed with their issues to really imagine themselves in yours. The real question should be where can I go for help and support. You need to seek help outside of your family if your family is unresponsive to your reaching out in the past. Do not go at this alone or it can take you down a downward spiral.
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That is so wrong of the so called siblings. This post came at the right time because mom wants me and my husband to keep the her house but my sister, who lives right next door and doesn't lift a hand to do a damn thing, is the executor of her will. I'm planning on having it amended as per mom's request. I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I have no suggestions because your siblings are not going to help regardless of anything. These fools live their lives as if they were hatched from an egg...idiots. At least you'll get the house and everything else. They don't deserve any of your feelings, knowledge of any changes...ZERO!
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I have been crying for some help forever......now it does not matter anymore. I am beyond help. good luck
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Andra, your mother sounds to be seriously ill with a multitude of health problems. Any way she could qualify for hospice care while in the nursing home? Ask the nurse manager or social worker. This could help you as they give extra attention to the patient that they don't normally get.

I understand about the "crying wolf" - my mother has done this the past 30 years or so. Unfortunately, with this kind of behavior, you will never know when something is real or not; try not to worry about this if you can, as it is out of control. As is the refusal of medications. My mother does this all the time. She is in a nursing home for multiple health reasons and mental health issues.

What I have learned is we cannot control their behaviour or what they say. Take it one day at a time. My mother is also narcississtic. Our desire to make them happy is pointless. If they refuse medications, they will suffer the consequences. I, like you, tried for years to get my mother to take the required medications, but she would not. And often she refuses in the nursing home.

Take a step back, give yourself a break. I'm dealing with many of the same issues you are dealing with. I don't think there is any more you can do other than be there and just listen to her. They are very unhappy and sick people and no matter how we try, they won't change. Blessings to you and take care.
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Call the social worker for adults and aging. You need help here, and to get home help set up.
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My grandparents had 7 children and 13 grandchildren and it fell on my mother and me out of the 20 to take care of them when they were older and sick. I was furious when my grandfather insisted on leaving things equally to all of his kids with nothing for the grandkids and told him so. At one point, my mother and I left him to tend to his own pancreatic cancer and I told him that if he wants to shell out things to the others who never even showed up to help in any way while we cared for the two of them (my grandmother had died by then) and spent our own money on them, then call on them and let them come.

This is making you sick. You have got to have help and the only time your siblings are going to show up is when they think there is money that is going to be distributed. Contact your local Department of Human Services and get a social worker involved. There are services available in most communities and they will be able to put you in touch with them. If your dad is on Medicare, there is some home help available. We had a nursing aide come in for my grandmother for free 5 days a week and a registered nurse once a week.
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Andra: You should post this question. Go up to the Caregiver Forum, click and the menu will come down. You will see "Ask a Question" Everyone will have a better chance to see it and answer it.
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My mom is in a nursing home. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day. She has 3rd stage kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, copd, and (sever depression), that she will not admit she has. She was recently diagnosed with asperation. She has lost 8 pounds in the last month.She can hardly eat anything. She is sedendary and refuses any exercise, and I mean any. Maybe her speech theropy should count, she will do this or a least for the last few days. She is very hard to deal with, tells everyone off and refuses to try, except for the speech theropy. She seems to not want to live. I need advice on how to help her. She hates the nursing home, but has hated every home she has been in, this is her 4th nursing home since last June. She went home for about 6 months, but has been in and out of the hospital and in nursing homes since the middle of January of this year. She thinks she knows everything, she use to be an elderly sitter when she was younger. I have worked hard to get her meds for depression, and anxiety. She refuses to take them, and at times refuses to take any of her meds. She has called me and my brothers to come to be with her because she is dying, and she says today, or tonite or whatever. She crys wolf so much you just don't know, what to do. Any suggestions or reference materials will be appreciated, so much. Thanks bunches, Andra
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Jeannegibbs, I don't think that is a good analogy. I think your LO, if he/she is of sound mind, should not refuse treatment if they rely on you for help with their daily living. My father made many poor choices regarding his treatment. For example, for a month he complained of having difficultly urinating, yet refused to see a doctor. The situation became critical. He was rushed to the ER. His doctor said he could have died because his blood chemistry was so messed up. So he ends up needing a permanent catheter. Add to my responsibilities: cleaning his drainage bags and flushing his catheter. Also made many fire drill trips to the ER because of a painful blockage or because the visiting nurse botched up inserting a new catheter. This is the most extreme example but there were others as well.
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Nohelp, I get it about your father's choices do not affect just him -- they affect you, too. But does that mean he should do it for you? Think of it this way: One of my sons has chosen not to have children. That decision affects me very much, and it is directly contrary to my wish for grandchildren. Do you think that I should ask him to reconsider because his decision affects me? Or because I don't think it is the right decision for him? Hmmm ....

It is very, very hard to see someone you love making poor decisions, or what you consider poor decisions. It can be quite freeing, though, to accept that some things -- such as other people's decisions -- are out of our control.

Your decisions about your life are under your control. Go back to running.
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Nohelp: You probably won't like this answer, but I think your dad is going to do whatever he wants and there is little you can do about it. It will shorten his life, but he probably doesn't want to live in another manner. He sees things his own way and he won't change. Maybe he has some dementia and possibly a doctor who specializes in that are could prescribe some medication that might help.

Sometimes we are so close to a person and just assume it is stubbornness when it is something else. He's had a long live and it sounds like a happy one. If he passes, it's not such a bad thing. Good luck and best wishes.
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I completely understand and can relate. My father has lived with me for 6 years. Throughout this time he has gone through multiple hospital stays due to diabetes, heart and kidney problems. If he hadn't been living with me, he would be in a nursing home or worse... dead. I am not looking for a pat on the back... Just need help. I feel like I am in a deep hole. None of my brothers bother to ask or help out. One lives on the other side of the country, the other is a drunk.
His health deteriorates monthly. He eats and drinks what he wants and tells his doctor he is going to do whatever he wants. I have explained that his choices do not just affect him. They affect me too. I am newly married and my husband has accepted my dad and the arrangement. But he too, is frustrated because my father will not slow down. He is 88 and continues to try and practice law. We go round and round about him taking better care of himself so his quality of life will be better, but he won't listen.
He becomes very obstinate and defensive, thinking I am just "bossing him around". I have talked to many people about how to better take care of him and become more understanding. But I am at my end.... I use to exercise 5 days a week. I would be up at 5 am and go for a run. I have completely stopped that due to finding him on the floor too many times when I would get home. He would refuse to wait till I get home 45 minutes later before trying to get up. Sometimes his blood sugar would be as low at 50!
So, due to no exercise, I have gained 15 pounds and my blood pressure is 160/80. I am now on blood pressure medicine.
I was the caregiver when my mom was dying of cancer. We finally had to have someone come live with her the last few months of her life. But up to that point, I was it. This is one of the most hardest things to ever go through.
So now what? I work full time and so does my husband. Working out after work is out of the question.
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If you have POA you need to be using his money. I agree with the other posts on here. You need to get some home care for him. You need to tell him that you will not tolerate bad comments or behavior, or he will be put into a nursing home. If he is on Medicaid you can get paid for looking after him. See about adult daycare options - hopefully he won't get thrown out of one by being abusive! He is living in your home and you now have to right to have boundaries that he is not allowed to cross. You are a good person, but unfortunately good people are often taken advantage of, and I think that he and your family are doing that. Perhaps calling the mediation board in your town would help get the message across the your family that you deserve some help.
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Looking at the original question again, my experience is that you can't get them to understand by talking to them. Actions speak louder than words. I found I had to detach emotionally, and look after my self, while still "overseeing" mother's care. I also had to make myself less available to cater to her whims and wants, but not her needs. In my case, this meant I would never take my narcissistic mother into my home, or move into hers, I have maintained my own home, continued to work as long as I could, and built relationships including one with a sig other, Not that moving mother into an ALF ( and then another one 6 months later as she could not get along there) did not impact my life. It did as the work of that, cleaning out her apartment etc was more than I could do, and continue to teach, so I retired - well past retirement age anyway, and financial able to survive decently. In short, I looked after myself. Hank - the right thing is to ensure, in what ever way you reasonably can, (and probably unreasonably once in a while, but not ongoing) that your parent's needs are met. The wrong way, in my view, is to do that at the expense of your own needs e.g.health, financial resources, social etc. So many of us on this site are unhealthily attached (not aiming this at anyone in particular) to our parents, (especially when those parents are narcissistic, abusive and demanding), and wanting to please them (the voice of experience is speaking here) that we sacrifice our own lives, relationships, health, jobs in some case, etc for them - not that there are not other alternatives, but we do not see them. There are usually alternatives, but not ones that fit our current agenda. I have set certain limits (boundaries) which are necessary for my own health, and well being. My mother, and sister (who does not help, but loves to criticize) dont like that, and I know they have bad mouthed me to relatives, but my reputation with them is not my priority. My health and wellbeing is. I have found I have had to develop a somewhat tough skin, without sacrificing my ability to be a loving person. I posted a poem on another thread and will post it here again as it is so applicable. I still learn when I read it.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown
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My sister is a breast cancer surviver and is on ssi. She willingly and lovingly moved in to help with my Dad who has alz. We pay her out of his money. The 5 brothers dont come see or help her at all so as POA I laid down the law to them Don't expect anything from the estae. It is HIS money and we are using it wisely to give him the very best care. If they don't like it they are welcome to come take turns and be paid for it. They understand and we are all frateful for her. My husband and myself and her son spell her from time to time to give her a break and we take her on paid vacations often. It helps
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In my case, I not only have the elderly parent I've moved in with, we also have the family business to deal with (an hour drive away each way, so I'm stuck in the car with her, too!)

I do have the authority to hire some help (which will be an additional poop-storm if I do), my immediate problem is getting the time to do it.
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All is reveiled! Escape while you still can!!!!

This is not a nice person or even one who wants to be nice. I know the Bible says we are to honor our father and our mother. However, it is NOT honoring them to let them destroy us. Since you moved in, you CAN move out. He will not die. He will not die because you will report him to your state's Adult Protective Services. They can deal with his nastiness and see that he is taken care of as well as he will allow.

You need to get your paper work in order. If you do not have any one of the list below, get it now (while he is hopefully still able to write his name).
1. A clear written diagnosis of his mental and physical condition: APS will hellp
you with this.
2. A durable power of attorney.
3. A durable power of attorney for health care (yes, they are different).
4. A preferred intensity of treatment document.
5. A will (if he will make one).

Once you have all of that (enlist others to help you complete the list), you are ready to think about placement. APS will tell you when, but you can be sure the time is coming when he will not be able to live alone. Do your homework so that he isn't pitched into the first available place with an immediate opening.

Or don't do your homework. He sounds like he deserves to be pitched into the first available place with bed room.

Then, I'm serious, take time for yourself. You will have done all anyone can do to take care of him. Make sure he does not drag you into the depths with him!!

Good luck.
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Hi Hank: If you don't mind, fill out your profile so we can better understand what you are dealing with. I'm not trying to pry, it is just nice to better understand what another is having to face. I think some of what you said has merit, but I'd like to hear more about your circumstances and why you feel the way you do. Thanks for being part of this post. I look forward to hearing more about your life and the challenges you face.
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I'm becoming more and more convinced that we are doing the right thing - we're just doing it wrong.

By moving in and giving up our lives, and in many cases our health and sanity, we're actually enabling our aging parents to get away with a lot of the crap they're dumping on us.

I want an answer to this and I don't have one. At least not an answer that doesn't involve an endless hissy-fit of blood, guts and feathers.
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I know I am burnout I feel guilty when I loss my patience but I am doing the best I can. I am getting ready to start my garden which always helps me.My parents wouldn't last 3 months in a home I know them too well I have to stay at their house almost 24/7 my dad will not exterise has had a broken hip 4 years and is really almost bedfast now my mom is afraid so i can't bring in outside help. I wanted to hold on to the family land as I own part of it I bought it from them a few years ago. My brother has no interest in it and will never move back, I have come to a place where some of my family will never hear from me again after this is over I really don't care about the land anymore as I may just take off when this is done. My parents think that me doing all the work and everything divided down the middle is a fair deal. I am not vain or am I about money but I don't even know who I am when I look in the mirror. I am married and retired now because I have to be but my husband had rather me stay with them and I totally understand My parents have been very hard working honest people and have been shunned by some family members there age throught the years so I have no contact with cousins or anything I am very jelious somethimes of people who have a family that wants them, i have a daughter and 3 grandkids but my daughter is too busy with her life to help me when my brother comes home every 6 months or so for a week or so we have to take my dad to the dr and he can't take the stress of taking care of them so i have to give him a break. My brother and I aren't close either for he has did a lot to me throught the years and he really never wanted me. I just don't understand for I was OK looking and tried to dress OK and never tried to start trouble and never would steal I am a very good person I do have the internet and do some photogaphy and things but it just isn't enought I will be lost as when this is over This should not be this way. It is good to sometimes just write this down
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The easy answer is "take a vacation."

The best thing I ever did was go to a three day conference and have my in-laws care for my husband (who had dementia and was mildly incontinent). He fell in the night and they had to deal with getting him up, on the toilet, and then back to bed. After that, there was no question when I had to put him in assisted living.

These folks don't want to understand what you are going through. They are just glad it's you and not them. Resist being the martyr who dies before your dad. If all else fails, report yourself to your state's elder services department. When the state says things must change, they have the authority to make it happen. I know it's a lousy way to go. But it just might save your life and your sanity.
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Sleeper..as other have said..siblings are going to do what they want to do no matter how hard you try to get them to understand the situation.. You HAVE to quit trying and try to let go. You CANNOT fix it no matter how hard you try..all you are doing is killing yourself. I too have a sibling that has no clue. Although he does call my mom once a week to say hello. I had to beg and plead for him to come visit as my parents aren't going to be around too much longer. I don't have an abusive situation as you do and I do have 10 hours a week off..is it enough..heck no. My dad needs 24/7 care. My husband and I moved in with them to take care of them. I quit my job but we do have enough to pay our bills.. I don't get financial support per se but I do buy groceries and gas from parents funds.
My situation financially is better than yours but it doesn't keep me from being upset with my sib. All I can say is you gotta take care of yourself to be able to continue care for your dad. It is not a selfish way of thinking..it is very healthy. As others have said who is going to take care of your dad when you can't!?
Will keep you in my prayers as this is a tough situation. I try to let go of my feelings toward my sib almost daily. Never calls me to ask how parents are really doing. Think he has his head stuck in the sand and doesn't want the truth of the situation. My hubs works away from home two weeks at a time..the stress both physical and mental is strong. If I need some time he takes care of parents then I feel guilty..never ending cycle.
You have to take care of your health..let go what you can emotionally ..
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