Family is forcing me to care for my mom. Any advice?

Who pays you to look after your mother?

1. Prioritize finding a job.
2. Give up the caregiving allowance.
3. Move out.

I am only guessing, but my guess is that you moved in with your mother after your relationship ended and you are now stuck. Unsticking will not be easy but that is what you have to do.

As your mother's proxy, your sister is responsible for sourcing care for her but your sister does not have the authority to make you provide it. There is nothing except fear to stop you leaving. Your only duty is to tell (not ask) your sister what your plans are. Telling mother is optional, but you are going to have to train yourself not to come running every time she squeaks.

'My sister and my aunts have a lot to say about how I care for my Mother, but do nothing to help. They do not give me any financial help. They do not give physical help. I tell them I am suffering and they don’t care'

Change 'aunts' to 'brother', and you described my situation....to a 'T'

"My sister and my aunts have a lot to say about how I care for my Mother, but do nothing to help. They do not give me any financial help. They do not give physical help."

On what basis do they have "a lot to say", other than the sister who's proxy?    But she's not proxy over you, nor does she apparently have any legal control over your actions.   How did they gain this control?

Have you given the aunts an ultimatum, such as that you need financial as well as physical help?    That's something to try, and indicate that you can no longer provide services if help isn't forthcoming.    And start job hunting ASAP.

The only method I can think of to override proxy authority is to file for guardian or conservatorship, but you'd have to ask that a guardian or conservator be appointed, and it wouldn't be you.

As I read your post, I couldn't help thinking of Cinderella doing all the work while the sisters bossed her around.    You don't have to be a Cinderella, but you can escape this literal prison by announcing your intent to live your own life, and find ways to do so.

You mentioned one sister is in Japan.   W/o seeming intrusive, are you of Japanese origin?   And, if so, is your subordinate role something that would be expected of one sibling?

I also completely agree with CountryMouse's advice.

I appreciate your response, but I need less obvious options that I haven’t thought of for the last decade.

I was living with my mother in housing. My relationship was right across the street. I was basically living in both places because I needed to take care of my Mother.

I get paid through an agency to care for her. Having a full time job elsewhere is impossible with my Mother, so quitting as her caregiver makes no sense unless I want no income whatsoever. I’ve had part time jobs and mom makes them all difficult to hold. We’ve had home aids through the agencies but they don’t help well, and I had to do everything anyway, so now I get paid through the agency to do their job. She is a diabetic, I take her to dialysis several times a week, I run errands. She will not be cared for if I am not home. She won’t even eat leftovers because she is a stubborn child. So I can’t prep food in advance. She wants it fresh or she WONT EAT. This is an ongoing fight.

If I had the money to move out, I could consider it, but where can I go with 160 dollars a week after child support comes out? My checks haven’t been more than 250 for years no matter how many hours I do. I have no savings for rent or security deposits to even last me until I get another job if I move.

I went on a trip for a week once. Mom went to the store, bought a bunch of snacks and I came home to her all screwed up and sugar high. Did my family call or come check on her while I was gone? No. If I leave they’ll leave her alone for a month thinking I was being dramatic and that I’ll come back. And what’s going to happen? They know I’ll crack because they’re going to play chicken with my Moms life.

I wasn't aware from your initial post that you were working through an agency, and actually getting paid.

Your problem is one of financial status? Or one of your Sister?
I think the former may be the case.
Give your sister notice of when you will be leaving.
Whether you have initially to start living at a shelter or whatever the case is, you CAN find work now in a booming economy. You have been caring for your Mom. For YEARS. There are many jobs as aids in ALF and MC that will train you. You will work up to being able to afford perhaps a room in someones home, a shared apartment. Then to your own studio. And on you go.
Those who op to be slave labor for an elder write often to the forum with ruined mental health, with no job and with no place to live. That will happen for sure eventually, and it is easier by FAR to address at 41 than it is at 61.
After you resign your duty your Sister may agree to work out payment and a contract for you to remain for a while. If you that payment will allow you to save for a small apartment and you can tell sister you will agree to do this for one year period. After that it is up to the health care proxy, your sister, to place or to care for mom herself.
Best out to you. Consider some low cost/no cost therapeutic care such as group counseling to help support you. We often stay in a situation not because it is GOOD but because we have formed a habit and it is a safety in the "known". It takes great great courage to move on your own to change your life, so be certain to stop and pat yourself on the back as you move forward and slowly learn to advocate for yourself and your ONE LIFE. I wish you the absolute best.

Glad you shared this. Time for YOU to live the life intended for YOU! Time to replace YOU with a Caregiver. OR your Siblings can come over & replace you & you can move out & get a job, etc... I think the 1st idea is the better idea: time to bring in another person. Is your Mom coherent. She really doesn't get that you deserve to experience life & leave your imprint on the world. Did she birth you so you would be her Caregiver (a bit harsh.. Sorry) Really ticks me off. Elderly should work to be healthy and as independent as possible. She needs to eat the leftovers. & you need to push away from the Narcissism. She has you in your web. My Mom would do the same if I let her, but I have been thru too much crap w/her in my lifetime.

Just curious. If all that was previously wrong with Mom initially was diabetes, why did you feel she needed the care you were "forced" to give. Unless she lost a leg to diabetes, its not a debilitating desease if kept under control. Many people live with it and live a very normal life. Why do you have to cook for her? If you go out, than she can be alone. So what if she turns her phone off so u can't call her. Thats her manipulation and your playing right into her hands, You should have set boundries from the beginning with everyone.

You know you need to get out of there. Your problem is having a place to go and you need a better paying job for that. Your in a catch 22. Damned if u do, damned if you don't. You realize that if you walk away, you will probably lose your family. Just a thought came to my mind. A good job for you would be a maintenance man/manager at an apartment complex. Usually you get an apartment with that. You have to be paid at least minimum wage. You kill two birds with one stone. Get a job and housing too. Then you say to dear Aunts, "u think u can do better, here she is. Wouldn't that be nice.😊

Do you have any friends willing to take you in just till u get a better job? Then you have time to maybe rent a room, a loft above a garage?

OP let me play devils advocate here. What happens in the future when Mom is gone? Sorry I know that's not likely something you are thinking about right now. But if you are living with her and not making a living wage the household bills are, I assume, being paid by her funds correct? What happens immediately after she is gone? What is your recourse/plan then? You say you have no way to leave right now? After all of this time dedicated to caring for her, will your family pay the bills and cover you until you find a full time job and a new home?
Or will you just suddenly be on your own immediately with no way to pay the bills and no access to funds? Because the agency will not be paying you at that point.
I say all of that because the time to act is now when you can do something about it. Later on, your hands could be tied and you really could be in a very bad spot with no options.
As much as it feels like it, they can't force you to care for her. It is a choice. Sometimes we have to choose between one really crappy choice and another really crappy choice. But we still have choices. They can't force you. You have options. You have to take the first step to decide what option you want. It's not an easy step. I don't envy you. But the only way anything will change is if you change. Your family will 100% continue to expect things to continue to as they have for as long as you continue to do things as you have. Nothing will change. They have no reason to change their behavior. Only you can change the situation. And that will involve doing things you don't really want to do.

TiredNConfused,

You answered your own question by admitting that you are at rock bottom.
That's the first step and it's always upwards. If your sister in Japan is the one who has mom's legal authority to make decisions, she is the one legally responsible for her.
Not you.
Clearly you have no life skills and cannot manage on your own. That's okay and don't be ashamed of yourself. There are many people like you. You can learn and there is help out there for you.
Please seek out mental health services. Be honest about how despondent you are and that feel you're a danger to yourself and your mother. Be willing to voluntarily go for a 72-hour mental health evaluation. Don't be afraid. This will be a step in the right direction for getting you some possible financial help and housing.
I was where you are with my mother too. Only I was fortunate enough that my ex-husband (soon to be new husband) stepped up and helped me.
There's help out there for you. Please seek out help for your mental health. Even if you have to go to the hospital on your own and tell them that you're at the point where someone is going to get hurt. They will connect you with a social worker who will help you.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep us updated.

Who is "responsible" for your mom? Your sister, the "proxy" from what I understand a proxy does not take effect until a doctor has declared a person incompetent.
If she is competent, has not yet been diagnosed with dementia or declared by a doctor to be incompetent then she does not "need" a Proxy.
If you are getting paid from an agency to care for her then give notice and they will have to find another caregiver.
Between the time you give notice and the caregiver starts you look for a job. One that will pay you a living wage. (between now and then save up as much as you can)
To give you a break would your mom be a candidate for Adult Day Care? a few days a week for between 6 to 8 hours would give you a break to care for yourself.
Would she do well at a Senior Center for a few hours a day?

If mom can be left alone for hours at a time next time you plan to go out and she says she is sick call her bluff and call 911 and have her transported to the ER. The hospital staff can contact your sister for instructions.
If when EMS arrives and she says she is fine then you can leave with them and if she says you can't leave because she is "sick" they can then transport her.

It is a difficult situation but perhaps you could find another live in caregiver job. There are nice people out there who need help for their loved one. I think it would be much easier to deal with the negativity of the job from a stranger than your own mom and the situation with your siblings.

Look at places like care.com or indeed for live in caregiver jobs. Apply, get hired and tell your siblings "I've taken another job and will be moving out such and such date." You are mom's proxy you need to figure out what YOU are going to do with her.

This will probably destroy any relationship you have with them but you just might live a better life. And perhaps time will heal the wounds.

TiredNConfused, please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are terrible odds.

What would happen if you were no longer there? I am sure your Mom would still get the care she needs some way, some how.

Your sister who lives in Japan with the health proxy should be null & voided. Her responsibility is to her mother to live close by so she can make care decisions. You must have health proxy since you’re taking care of mom by yourself. An elder law Atty can help you. Sister is not fulfilling her duties as stated on health care proxy. Do this first. You can also get caregiver help while you look for work? Start there. Can you do remote work from internet? Hugs 🤗

Janny61,

You wouldn't say the OP has no life skills, but the reality here is that the OP really doesn't have any.
The mother has diabetes and the OP thinks she's also developing Alzheimer's. The OP is 41 years old, has been caregiving for ten years, and has lost jobs because of mom's needs.
Do you not see a pattern of behavior here? The OP's financial situation is not the mother's fault. They state in the comments not being able to earn more that $250 a week for years and also has to pay child support.
No insult intended here, but this person has no life skills. They cannot make a living let alone provide for their child. There are many people like this and it's nothing to be ashamed of. People can learn and get help so they can learn to function in today's world. Many use being family caregivers as an exuse for not being able to make a living. They make scapegoats out of the people they claim to be caring for to cover their own inadequacies. This is wrong.
If you think the OP can walk away and go get a caregiving job where they're well paid and appreciated, then you're not being realistic.
I was a caregiver for 25 years and let me tell you I can count on one hand the jobs that paid well and came with an appreciative family.

It's time to be brutally honest with yourself about what you can do to get yourself out of this web. There are things you can do. None of them are easy, none of them are quick. But you're not as stuck as you think. You're not completely without escape routes.

One thing I did when I felt stuck in a job I disliked was to start brainstorming ideas in a notebook—one of those cheap things that are a dollar at the store. I'd research one career idea, jot down some pros and cons, and usually end up putting a big X through it when I realized it wouldn't work (maybe it took too much additional education, maybe the pay wasn't good). But if I learned something that was useful, I would highlight that paragraph. Later I'd flip through my notebook of nixed career ideas and re-read the highlighted lines. That would usually give me an idea for a new direction to go in. Because I had written down all of my thoughts on various occasions, and kept the parts that were useful to me, it felt less like idle dreaming and more like I was building my escape route—laying down tracks. And it forced me to be really honest with myself about what I was and wasn't capable of. Eventually, one of these brain-storming sessions led me to information about a short training program that would start me in a career I had always thought I'd be good at. I'm in that career now. By the way, I was around your age when I started the notebook.

This approach might not work for everyone, but it's a thought. Figure out what you can change about your situation, amongst all the things you can't change. To be clear, I'm not talking about career ideas—that was just my own personal example. I'm talking about how to get out of this caregiving situation and start living your life and providing (better) for your child. Research the ways out, a little bit at a time. Even if it takes a while to figure it all out, you'll feel like you're doing something. Good luck.

I’m saying this gently, because this seems to be normally a kind forum, but you do seem to have a problem for every solution. And I get it, things do seem hopeless.

I don’t know if you’re male or female (not that it matters), but I would sit down and ask your mom questions about her view of your life. “Mom, why do you think I have to sacrifice MY life to take care of you? Why does Sister get to be married and have a life outside of the family and I don’t?”

Did she do this for her parents?

Note - ‘why’ questions are usually discouraged in discussions because it can place the other person on the defensive.

In home care for my area runs about $25 an hour. It sounds like you’re doing a lot more than 10 hours a week.

One suggestion I have is to get a part time job AND cut the strings - don’t contact her while you’re at work. Or you might look for legitimate work from home opportunities - they do abound now.

‘Proxy’ - is it the same as a Power of Attorney? What are the conditions in it? It is a word with very limited uses where I am, and Google doesn’t really explain it either. Does it give Sister the right to order what YOU do? Get hold of a copy, and at least know her rights and yours too.

One approach might be to ignore the ‘proxy’ claims, and move your mother into appropriate care. Apply for Medicaid, if that is what it takes. Sister is a long way away, it may be hard for her to find out about the early stages or to intervene, if you just ignore the whole ‘proxy’ issue. If she then objects after it's done, it’s up to her to work out her next steps. And they will include making sure that your mother is adequately cared for.

We all know the old line about ‘possession being nine tenths of the law’. It’s not always true, but many of our posters ask for permission from someone who disagrees but doesn’t help, when the best thing to do may be just to get on with it. That leaves it up to the ‘non-permission’ people to work out a better alternative.

‘Proxy’ - is it the same as a Power of Attorney? What are the conditions in it? It is a word with very limited uses where I am, and Google doesn’t really explain it either. Does it give Sister the right to order what YOU do? Get hold of a copy, and at least know her rights and yours too.

One approach might be to ignore it, and move your mother into appropriate care. Apply for Medicaid, if that is what it takes. Sister is a long way away, knowing about it and then intervening will be difficult for her if you are just ignoring the whole ‘proxy’ issue. If she then objects, it’s up to her to work out her next steps. And they will include making sure that your mother is adequately cared for.

We all know the old line about ‘possession being nine tenths of the law’. It’s not always true, but many of our posters ask for permission, when the best thing to do may be just to get on with it. That leaves it up to the ‘non-permission’ people to work out a better alternative.

Call adult protective services. Explain you have been left to take care of your mother but that you no longer have the means financially or mentally. You are not able to support yourself and her. They will send a case manager out to assess the situation. That is the most direct way I know of. Or you can ask for social work referral from her primary care and explain to same thing to her primary care doctor so a social worker can come out to assess the situation. The first scenario mentioned will be more dramatic but it tends to light fires under other non participatory by standers that are not helping. They will get upset with you as well etc etc; but hey if they are already treating you this horribly what they would think at this juncture is irrelevant.

TiredNConfused, I’m so sorry you’ve been stuck in this terrible situation. My suggestion is to see if your mom qualifies for Medicaid (assuming you are in the US). If that is the case, she can go into a nursing home — after ten years of your caregiving, and having burned out, she is safer there than at home, because she keeps getting into situations that you can’t prevent. You can visit her every day in the nursing home and be with her without being responsible for her care. If the situation is that she has too much money for Medicaid, you might have to push Adult Protective Services or get her declared incompetent, which she sure sounds like she is. Have you spoken to a Legal Aid lawyer (no-cost) as to what you can do to extricate yourself while getting your mom the care she needs?

Do not count on your family for help — they clearly won’t help. However, especially if your mom is incompetent, you can proceed without them. That’s what the Legal Aid lawyer can tell you how to do. Once your mom is taken care of in the nursing home, her house will probably have to go on the market. However, that will still give you time to make some plans yourself. Perhaps you can temporarily stay with one of your siblings while you seek work. It’s never a good idea to fall behind on child support, but you may be able to work something out with your ex and the state while you’re getting a better-paying job.

You clearly can’t go on as you have been doing. There is a way to be found to extricate yourself, but it’s always much harder to find it from inside. Please don’t let guilt stop you from getting your mom into a nursing home — you’ve been a devoted child, and still will be later. Once she is cared for by others, you will have the emotional freedom and physical freedom to turn your attention to your finances.

A final thought: In some ways, you’re stuck choosing between caring for your mom and caring for your son. Your siblings want you to choose your mom, but your child needs you, and the court will push you to care for him. That is the right thing for you, for him, and your mom.

Best of luck to you!

Good Morning,

Is your sister the "Proxy" controlling all of the $$$ and you are doing all of the work?

You have to be careful in a family that the powerful (or stronger) personalities don't rule. Oftentimes in life, the one's who make a lot of noise don't exactly do a lot. This also goes on the in the workplace which you may have witnessed firsthand a person who in your estimation is not the greatest worker but they somehow end up getting promoted and win "employee of the year". You say to yourself, your kidding me right. They know how to plan the game to their advantage.

The quieter one's in family and/or work are on time, fulfill their obligations, meet deadlines, take exactly a one-hour, etc. You see what I am getting at. Their good deeds go unnoticed. They don't make a lot of noise and draw attention to themselves.

The goal is: When Mom passes you need to be still standing--in once piece.
Many women during the Pandemic had to work remotely. Most I speak with, myself included, love it. This is a very good economy. There are jobs on every street corner. Make yourself a schedule.

Next--pay yourself first. Put $$$ into an IRA faithfully. Pay down all debt, even if you have to drop your cable. Join your local Y, (swim, etc.) and be part of some group--not online, in person, where you show every week and meet people and they notice and check up on your if you are not there.

This is the whole thing. If you get paid as a Caregiver and your mother has to go into the a facility or when she passes then you are in bereavement without a job. Then you have to immediately conduct a job search while your grieving.

In my own humble opinion, some type of formal employment, now is a great time there are all kinds of contract based, remote. All you need is a computer.
For $20 a month your phone provider can put a camera on your phone and a sensor on the door if Mom leaves the dwelling.

I would start with a one morning (4) hour per week Respite Dementia Care program for mother in the neighborhood with transportation included. Some are on a sliding scale. This will give you a sense of security for mother and you can have a block of time to yourself without worrying and make some plans, write them down.

I'm in the same boat but I am working and I have wised up. I set boundaries and I don't wait on everyone when they come.

Ask your mother's Primary Care Physician (PCP) to write orders for home care and/or Respite. Contact your mother's health insurance carrier and find out what is included.

Have the Church people come on a Sunday. Widen your circle. Find a good hairdresser or Natural Instincts (CVS) home products and do your hair.

Clean out your closet, buy some perfume and get your groove back!

i am so sorry you are going through this! It’s hard at any age, but you are too young to give up the best years of your life to your mom who is manipulating you. I would suggest that you contact her doctor and ask what care she qualifies for and have him place an order for it. Then I would follow his suggestion.. once you have moved your mom (the facility will give you names on who to contact for the move), then tell your family if you want. They don’t visit so will they even know? Once your mom is moved into an appropriate facility then you can pull back on most of her care. You will still have to provide her toiletries, but you could set that up with the store to deliver. Then, you could visit your mom when you wanted as a daughter and not a caregiver. After she has moved, you can work on getting your life back. It won’t be easy to move your mom on your own or to find a facility, but I think it’s imperative that you do so. Your mom will continue her manipulative ways and take over your life forever if you don’t get her moved to an appropriate facility. In Colorado, the doctor has to write orders for placement in an assisted living or memory care facility or skilled nursing (nursing home). Her doctor will have a lot of resources to help you place your mom in the right facility. I would also check out the state department of health website as in Colorado they compare facilities by citations which is immensely helpful in selecting a facility. I hope you go through the process to place your mom in an appropriate facility because you deserve to have your life back!

Talk to your local municipal or state social services/Dept. Of Aging/Senior Services.

if your mom is hospitalized, tell the hospital social worker that you can’t do it anymore and they will help find placement.

This is your life and you get to choose.

Your sister in Japan may be proxy for your mom, but she isn’t proxy for you.

I am sorry for what you are going through. From what you have said, there is no "reasoning" with your sister with the proxy and the aunts. They are holding the purse strings while you give up your life and do all of the work. You are going to have to put your foot down and "tell" them that if there aren't drastic changes that you are going to walk away. What does "walk away mean"? You call adult protective services and tell them she doesn't have anyone to care for her and then give them the name of your sister with the proxy. Trust me...they will figure it out. That doesn't mean you can't see your mom or visit her or anything like that. It just means you tell APS that you can no longer be the caregiver.

Are you willing to do that? If not, you are stuck with no end in sight.

I wouldn't do any placement research or calling around. Instead I'd contact sis, in writing and tell her your decade of service is OVER. You will be done with all of this in __ months time. Let her know she is now in charge of mother and to get her placed somewhere.

I'd tell her you will be moving out or she is to move mother out by ____ date. Stick to it and don't let her bully you. If she doesn't come through, your mom will have to be hospitalized for something and you tell them you can't care for her anymore. Give them your sister's and aunt's contact info and leave, turn off your phone. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's time to take care of you and let the other family take over Mother's care.

You are being used and you know it, and the others know it; time for it to stop. You have helped to your capacity and now you give notice that you are moving on with your life. Harsh as that sounds it's the only way to save your health/sanity, prompt others to step up. An out-of-country, much less out-of-town, proxy/family member has no idea of the real time needs of an elder, nor apparently do they really care to, for whatever reasons (financial payoff in the end? can't stomach the stresses/obligations? past family dysfunction? whatever: not your problem, not worth figuring out.) Step away as soon as possible knowing you have been a loyal caregiver. Let area officials know your situation so they know they will have your mom on their radar when they may be engaged to care for her. All the best.

Tell your 'sister that you can no longer care for your mother as you have been doing - alone and without help. Tell the family that you need to work to provide for yourself and your retirement (nobody will do that for you). Give a date when you will start working and let family know they will have to hire another caregiver - or 2. If nobody honors your commitment, then take your mom to the hospital and let family know they can bring her home from there.

No body can force an adult to do anything he/she doesn't want. I assume that you're an adult. No more comments.

It's hard to figure out your financial situation based on the post. Are you living with mom and mom pays all the bills? Is there a chance your family thinks that you living there is a fair exchange for the amt they pay you as caregiver and the room/food/etc that are provided to you? How are you paying child support at this time? What was your job history before mom became needier....always worked...poor work record? Based on that the family and you may have thought your role as caregiver may have been beneficial to both of you.

Actually, this is no different than any other job. You give notice and let sister know when you will no longer be mom's caregiver. If you stay in same residence, you make an agreement to pay rent or agree to limited caregiver role for zero rent. Otherwise you get your own place to live.

You need to explain you cannot do this alone and need to get a job that affords you to pay your obligation to children. They need to have a back up plan to take care of mom so you won't lose another job due to excessive absence or tardiness.