Follow
Share

I have been caring for my elderly mom in NY for over 10 years. I am 41 now. She has diabetes and is developing Alzheimer’s or something similar. I give this woman my life. I have no social life. I don’t go anywhere or do anything. Any time I try to leave the neighborhood she pretends she’s sick to keep me home. She doesn’t care that my quality of life is awful. I get paid to be her caregiver but I cannot live on this. I am struggling mentally and financially. Having real work is also hard because she acts like she is dying. I’ve lost jobs due to needing to leave to tend to her. I need to live my life and work to pay my bills and my child support. I am at rock bottom.



My sister and my aunts have a lot to say about how I care for my Mother, but do nothing to help. They do not give me any financial help. They do not give physical help. I tell them I am suffering and they don’t care. My sister (who lives in Japan) is Mom's proxy, so she doesn’t allow me to put Mom in a nursing home. It will get to a point where I am a danger to myself and my mother because I am neglecting my own health. Yet, my family doesn’t care. I want to do something to relieve myself and finally live my life, but I don’t have the financial status to do so. I also don’t know what I would have to do. How can I make my sister or a family member take my Mom? It’s someone else’s turn. Could I override the proxy to put mom in a home? Do I even need a proxy to do so?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Who pays you to look after your mother?

1. Prioritize finding a job.
2. Give up the caregiving allowance.
3. Move out.

I am only guessing, but my guess is that you moved in with your mother after your relationship ended and you are now stuck. Unsticking will not be easy but that is what you have to do.

As your mother's proxy, your sister is responsible for sourcing care for her but your sister does not have the authority to make you provide it. There is nothing except fear to stop you leaving. Your only duty is to tell (not ask) your sister what your plans are. Telling mother is optional, but you are going to have to train yourself not to come running every time she squeaks.
Helpful Answer (23)
Report

I wouldn't do any placement research or calling around. Instead I'd contact sis, in writing and tell her your decade of service is OVER. You will be done with all of this in __ months time. Let her know she is now in charge of mother and to get her placed somewhere.

I'd tell her you will be moving out or she is to move mother out by ____ date. Stick to it and don't let her bully you. If she doesn't come through, your mom will have to be hospitalized for something and you tell them you can't care for her anymore. Give them your sister's and aunt's contact info and leave, turn off your phone. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's time to take care of you and let the other family take over Mother's care.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Call adult protective services. Explain you have been left to take care of your mother but that you no longer have the means financially or mentally. You are not able to support yourself and her. They will send a case manager out to assess the situation. That is the most direct way I know of. Or you can ask for social work referral from her primary care and explain to same thing to her primary care doctor so a social worker can come out to assess the situation. The first scenario mentioned will be more dramatic but it tends to light fires under other non participatory by standers that are not helping. They will get upset with you as well etc etc; but hey if they are already treating you this horribly what they would think at this juncture is irrelevant.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

TiredNConfused, please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are terrible odds.

What would happen if you were no longer there? I am sure your Mom would still get the care she needs some way, some how.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

It's time to be brutally honest with yourself about what you can do to get yourself out of this web. There are things you can do. None of them are easy, none of them are quick. But you're not as stuck as you think. You're not completely without escape routes.

One thing I did when I felt stuck in a job I disliked was to start brainstorming ideas in a notebook—one of those cheap things that are a dollar at the store. I'd research one career idea, jot down some pros and cons, and usually end up putting a big X through it when I realized it wouldn't work (maybe it took too much additional education, maybe the pay wasn't good). But if I learned something that was useful, I would highlight that paragraph. Later I'd flip through my notebook of nixed career ideas and re-read the highlighted lines. That would usually give me an idea for a new direction to go in. Because I had written down all of my thoughts on various occasions, and kept the parts that were useful to me, it felt less like idle dreaming and more like I was building my escape route—laying down tracks. And it forced me to be really honest with myself about what I was and wasn't capable of. Eventually, one of these brain-storming sessions led me to information about a short training program that would start me in a career I had always thought I'd be good at. I'm in that career now. By the way, I was around your age when I started the notebook.

This approach might not work for everyone, but it's a thought. Figure out what you can change about your situation, amongst all the things you can't change. To be clear, I'm not talking about career ideas—that was just my own personal example. I'm talking about how to get out of this caregiving situation and start living your life and providing (better) for your child. Research the ways out, a little bit at a time. Even if it takes a while to figure it all out, you'll feel like you're doing something. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I am sorry for what you are going through. From what you have said, there is no "reasoning" with your sister with the proxy and the aunts. They are holding the purse strings while you give up your life and do all of the work. You are going to have to put your foot down and "tell" them that if there aren't drastic changes that you are going to walk away. What does "walk away mean"? You call adult protective services and tell them she doesn't have anyone to care for her and then give them the name of your sister with the proxy. Trust me...they will figure it out. That doesn't mean you can't see your mom or visit her or anything like that. It just means you tell APS that you can no longer be the caregiver.

Are you willing to do that? If not, you are stuck with no end in sight.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Love-and-Hope Jun 2022
I would be very cautious before contacting and pulling in APS. Look them up and see what they do. It should be the very LAST thing you should consider.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Talk to your local municipal or state social services/Dept. Of Aging/Senior Services.

if your mom is hospitalized, tell the hospital social worker that you can’t do it anymore and they will help find placement.

This is your life and you get to choose.

Your sister in Japan may be proxy for your mom, but she isn’t proxy for you.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Your problem is one of financial status? Or one of your Sister?
I think the former may be the case.
Give your sister notice of when you will be leaving.
Whether you have initially to start living at a shelter or whatever the case is, you CAN find work now in a booming economy. You have been caring for your Mom. For YEARS. There are many jobs as aids in ALF and MC that will train you. You will work up to being able to afford perhaps a room in someones home, a shared apartment. Then to your own studio. And on you go.
Those who op to be slave labor for an elder write often to the forum with ruined mental health, with no job and with no place to live. That will happen for sure eventually, and it is easier by FAR to address at 41 than it is at 61.
After you resign your duty your Sister may agree to work out payment and a contract for you to remain for a while. If you that payment will allow you to save for a small apartment and you can tell sister you will agree to do this for one year period. After that it is up to the health care proxy, your sister, to place or to care for mom herself.
Best out to you. Consider some low cost/no cost therapeutic care such as group counseling to help support you. We often stay in a situation not because it is GOOD but because we have formed a habit and it is a safety in the "known". It takes great great courage to move on your own to change your life, so be certain to stop and pat yourself on the back as you move forward and slowly learn to advocate for yourself and your ONE LIFE. I wish you the absolute best.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Countrymouse Jun 2022
And his son's ONE childhood, let's not forget.

I sometimes think that men who really do care about their loved ones get given a very hard time and very little credit for it. Poor OP, I second your best wishes to him.
(4)
Report
TiredNConfused,

You answered your own question by admitting that you are at rock bottom.
That's the first step and it's always upwards. If your sister in Japan is the one who has mom's legal authority to make decisions, she is the one legally responsible for her.
Not you.
Clearly you have no life skills and cannot manage on your own. That's okay and don't be ashamed of yourself. There are many people like you. You can learn and there is help out there for you.
Please seek out mental health services. Be honest about how despondent you are and that feel you're a danger to yourself and your mother. Be willing to voluntarily go for a 72-hour mental health evaluation. Don't be afraid. This will be a step in the right direction for getting you some possible financial help and housing.
I was where you are with my mother too. Only I was fortunate enough that my ex-husband (soon to be new husband) stepped up and helped me.
There's help out there for you. Please seek out help for your mental health. Even if you have to go to the hospital on your own and tell them that you're at the point where someone is going to get hurt. They will connect you with a social worker who will help you.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep us updated.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Janny61 Jun 2022
I wouldn't say she has "no life skills". She has been caring for her mother and most likely could get a job as a caregiver to someone else where she would be paid well and appreciated.

My ex sister-in-law helped with my dad and then went on to care for 3 other people.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your sister who lives in Japan with the health proxy should be null & voided. Her responsibility is to her mother to live close by so she can make care decisions. You must have health proxy since you’re taking care of mom by yourself. An elder law Atty can help you. Sister is not fulfilling her duties as stated on health care proxy. Do this first. You can also get caregiver help while you look for work? Start there. Can you do remote work from internet? Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Katefalc Jun 2022
Elder care lawyers are very expensive. How will she pay for this if she’s already having financial difficulty ? Good thought but how ?? $$$$$
(3)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter