Mom and Dad live in a NH, and I don't mind bringing needed or most wanted items, but Mom is really wearing it out! She used to like going out with me to acquire items and I get it that at 87 she may not feel like going out anymore, but how do I not feel like the errand girl? Now that I look back, she ran my Dad raggedy...poor daddy,
Maybe I could have her make a wish list and once a month we review it and go from there?
Is she physically able to go with you to shop? Could you say, "Let's go together and get that next Thursday afternoon, and have a nice treat while we are out." When she asks for something else on the next call, you can cheerfully say, "Oh sure! We can get that next Thursday, too!" I don't know if this would satisfy her because I don't know what is really behind all these requests, but it would be a way for you to satisfy your duty, express your love, and reduce the number of shopping trips. A variation on this theme, if she isn't mobile enough to go out to shop, is to shop online with her. My husband has dementia and he was really happy to look through an online catalog with me and pick out a new jacket. Much less stressful than in-person shopping! Most NHs have a computer for resident use.
It sounds like this is a long-standing pattern for your mother. I'm not confident you can change that. The person whose behavior you can change is you. You can say no sometimes. You can establish a schedule that is convenient for you. You can decide that it is her need, not your issue, and at this point you are willing to meet her need. Then do it graciously, without feeling like an errand girl. Just recognizing that you really do have options, that Mom is not in control of your behavior, might make you feel better about whatever decision you make.
Let us know what you try and how it works out.
I hope this works for you.
Thank you.
Mom was constantly asking me to bring her over the counter medications which I did at first but soon stopped because I knew better! She's on prescription meds. She can be very intimidating but darn it I had to tell her NO MORE.
Just recently, she wants to change to another cable company so she can watch her game show channel which to do so would cost $75.00 vs free cable. Not only can she not afford this but she blames the current cable companys "low frequency" for her not being able to watch tv clearly. she has macular degeneration which only worsened after the brain bleed. Now she wants a flash light! Is this major denial or what!! She is also a smoker, so @ $30.00 a carton, general snacks and incidentals, she exceeds their $60.00 a month allowance for medicaid. I insist that Dad gets a hair cut out of their allowance, jesh! He asks for nothing, he deserves a little treat weather he cares or not.
Mind you, I have no problem kicking in a few extra $$'s, I want them to be comfortable and happy. Dad is happy with a drink of water in a paper cup, mom could drink spring water out of a silver goblet and still want something else.
Mom used to go out with me and we would make it a mom and daughters day out, spent anyway she wanted, shopping, nails, hair, lunch. For the past couple of months, she's not wanting to leave the NH. I'm a shopper so while I'm out and about I don't mind picking up "a few things" but this continuous , bring me this, pick up that is past it's expiration date!
The last straw was Mother's Day. first she didn't want to go anywhere, then one mid-work day for me, 3 day's before Mom's Day, she declared she wanted a new outfit to wear to church and out to lunch if it was ok with me. I'm a shopper but I'm not a last min/crowd shopper. However, I fulfilled her wish. Mother's day came and she started with my stomach hurts I think I better stay in bed routine. So there is a brand new outfit, hat and all in her closet.
Basically, my mom has not been happy most of her life, I guess I fell into the habit of trying to bring joy into her life. I know its not my job, my place or my problem. But I've just recently realized what's going on in our relationship and I'm trying to find a healthy way to turn it around.
Once again, my parents are good people, were great to me and I am great to them however, there has to be limits so that one doesn't feel put upon like I have been feeling.
Thanks for allowing me to rant on and thank you more for everyone's words of helpful advice.
Stock up on those M&M's! and thanks for sharing a bright moment.
Remember that denial is a coping mechanism, and it sounds like your mother genuinely has a lot to cope with. I can't imagine having my vision deteriorate to the point where I couldn't read, couldn't knit, couldn't do crosswords, and couldn't even enjoy watching television! I would think that this might seriously reduce my pleasure in going shopping or going out in general. What a sad loss! Perhaps something you could do that would be well above the errand-girl status is look into the program the Library of Congress has for visually impaired people. I understand you can get audio recordings of not only books but magazines and newspapers, and a simple-to-use player for them. If she is in denial, you are not doing this because she is losing her vision, but because it might be more relaxing for her to be able to sit back and let someone read to her. And you don't have to be restricted to Hallmark's calendar. You can go to church and lunch with Dad and Mom in her new outfit any Sunday that she is up to it.
Best wishes to you as you build a better relationship.
See All Answers