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My mom is a few years removed from cancer treatments. She hurt her ankle a few months before the treatments ended in 2018. In the weeks after the injury, she needed help getting her legs on and off the bed in order to stay off of the ankle and not put weight on it while it was healing. After a couple of months, the ankle was better and she could get her legs on and off the bed w/out any issue.



During summer 2020, the leg struggles came back. There were some stretches where she didn't need leg help at all, but for the past year, it's been pretty consistently. Some days, she would need me to get one or both legs on the bed 1,2,3 times. Other days, it would be 5,6 times. So far today, 8 times. As for getting them off the bed, it isn't quite as often. You would have a couple, if not few, days with zero help there, but she would need help 1,2,3 times a day. Lately, it's just her left leg and sometimes, she would be half an inch away from getting it off by herself and yet, I had to get it off for her. It's ridiculous and insane.



Some of it is the dip in her bed, mainly due to her laying in bed all day long, gaining weight and not putting in any effort to lose it and shrink that belly, and only being up and around the house just once a week. The dip is why she needs help sitting up on the side of the bed and can't get herself up on her own. Some of it is lack of exercise, again part of it being her not being up and out of bed hardly at all. Some of it is weather-related. She doesn't do well when the barometric pressure is high and barring down on her and when it's about to rain. We also have a gas heater in the room where she's been in and won't let me turn it down when we have mild winter days. During those mild days, that room turns into a boiler room and she also struggles when she's hot.



Before last summer, she would try taking 1-2 steps when I would get her from her potty chair to her bed. Since then, she rarely tries. And in the few tries, she'll barely take a step.



She was out of bed almost regularly for a stretch recently, but not lately. During that stretch, leg help went down. As a result of her stopping the trend of being out of bed somewhat regularly, the leg went back up.

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Sounds like she is intentionally NOT doing anything to get better.

Sorry, this is either a person that needs facility care or tough love. She has been disabled by all of your assistance. Time to give her some ultimatums about getting off her backside or moving into a nursing home.

A loving mother DOES NOT do this garbage to her children, period.
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blickbob Mar 2022
At worst, it's intentional. Lack of motivation at best.

She could use the facility and some ultimatums. She won't take tough love well at all.

You're right. If she truly loved me, she wouldn't put me through this nightmare. She would get others to help and let me have a life. If I'm hit with cancer or injuries when my kids are just starting adulthood or fresh out of college, I'm telling them to live their lives and I'll line up outside help.
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So, I have a question: if mom is immobilized in bed all day, gaining weight and refusing to move, insisting YOU move her legs FOR her all the time, who's bringing her all this food? Who's enabling her to STAY as overweight as she is which is making everything MUCH harder than it needs to be in the first place? If she didn't have so much belly fat, she'd be able to move around a lot more easily, and certainly she'd be able to move her LEGS half an inch so you wouldn't have to do that FOR her, for petesake! How do you spell 'taking advantage of one's son?'

If this were my mother, and she were calling on me to move her legs for her 5-6x a day or more, refusing to move a muscle, I'd put her on a diet of 6 ounces of boiled chicken or tuna packed in water and 3 cups of lettuce with calorie free dressing on it 2x a day, and a cup of plain oatmeal for breakfast. That would be her new diet, with nothing in between but 8 cups of water, until she got down to a healthy BMI and could exercise her body every single day and start doing for HERSELF what she's demanding YOU do FOR her.

Enough is enough.
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blickbob Apr 2022
She has me bring the food. She technically doesn't really each much. She does like to snack on junk food. She thinks junk food and sweets give her the energy she needs.

Yeah, it's given her so much energy, I just got one/both of her legs back onto the bed for the TWELTH TIME TODAY! Now granted, she had to do #2 today and that does take some energy out of her, but it's still 12 times too many.

I'm just wishing she would stop being lazy and start getting out of bed and use the Cubii she rarely touches.
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I was asked to do the shopping for a relative once. I said sure. I'll buy extra of what I buy.

When I was told the order would be for let's call it 'less than healthy' options I declined. I am not the Food Police. But neither am I an impartial Uber/DoorDash etc delivery person - paid to deliver & that's it.

I will help on my terms. Terms that align with my values.
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From another post: "Caregiving has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I sometimes wonder if my life is over. I don't have a job and I'll be looking for my very first job when freedom finally comes. I'm single and I hope to one day be some woman's husband. I'm never getting my 20s back nor am I getting back moments lost to caregiving."

How and why did this caregiving situation happen? Are you an only child?

You've already hurt yourself lifting her legs -- are you going to allow this to continue?

What is her financial situation? Are you her POA? HCPOA?
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blickbob Apr 2022
I am an only child. The situation happened because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and she has been dependent on me from the getgo. I happen to be around at home when the caregiving duties got slapped on me.

I've felt pain, but I never actually hurt myself, fortunately.

Financially, she's good. She has one of her close friends as her POA if I recall correctly.
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This could have been written by my cousin about her husband. He hurt his ankle years ago. He started doing PT and was improving, but then began complaining that it hurt too much and soon my cousin (his enabler) began catering to him, which meant him doing less for himself, less time moving around or trying to walk. The weight began piling on until he became morbidly obese. So, the heavier he got, the more stress on his ankle and more pain. The extra weight started a whole bunch of new health issues (circulation, heart, lungs). He didn't do anything the doctors told him to and heaven forbid he try to do anything on his own that caused the most minor discomfort. Soon he lost his mobility. He needed a wheelchair. Soon he couldn't even stand up, so my cousin had to hoist him by the back of his pants to get him into the wheelchair (and use the commode, because getting to the bathroom was out of the question). After his last medical emergency (and there were many thanks to his deteriorating health due to immobility and obesity) he couldn't even sit up without a 3 person assist. Last I heard, he continues to decline PT. My cousin has a torn rotator cuff and spine issues now from trying to lift him.

Just wanted to give you a glimpse of what may happen. You may want to let your mom know that if she continues down this road, the only option may be a NH because you physically won't be able to help her.
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blickbob Mar 2022
My back has been sore on a couple of occasions because of me having to lift her up. For a couple of weeks last summer, my back and forearm were sore from lifting her on/off of things so much. Yet, no time off or rest time for me. She isn't obese, but she's heavy. Because of her being immobile, she can't be weighed.

On at least 1 occasion, the back of my neck was sore and I felt pain in my upper chest not long after she became immobile. I didn't have much strength and because of caregiving, I had to stop going to the gym. The chest pain went away, but I almost wondered if I was on the verge of a heart attack. My mom somehow thought the chest pain was me having gas. She was, most likely, wrong about the gas theory because I never had anything like that before or since.
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Parkinson's is only one diagnosis where the mobility will wax and wane. It will get better, then worse in the same day. Note: I am not saying she has Parkinsons, just an issue with mobility that she is not faking.

Talk to her doctor about getting some physical therapy to come to the home.

Get her a proper mattress. Try renewing the mattress with an extra-firm 3" foam mattress topper.

Have her do some supervised stretching before getting up. "Stretch like a cat".

Ventilate the room. Try an electric room heater for a few days at a more normal temperature. Testing if she feels better without the gas heater. Add a small humidifier for moisture. The poor man's humidifier is a fine mist of water in the air. Or, hanging a damp/wet towel in the room.

There are so many other caregiving techniques you could learn to do before you assume she is not trying, or faking.

However, I understand you feeling this way. It is the most frustrating thing!
There are physical therapists and other professionals who can make an assessment and a care plan done by professionals, not you.

Step back from the hands-on caregiving before you burn out. You can try again after 2-3 months if that is what you need to do.
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Why are you your mother's plan for old age?

What is YOUR plan?

I guess your mom must be a zillionaire and will leave you well set up to live a life with no need to work?

No? Have you paid into Social Security and Medicare at all? If you don't have 10 quarters of payments by the time you retire, you won't even have minimal SS to live on.

"Mom, you are going to need to make other arrangements for your care, either a facility or paid caregivers. I need to get a job. I'll help you figure this out, but as of June 1, I will not be doing this any longer".

Start studying for civil service exams. Get a job at Target, Walmart or a fast food place. Study civil service test books from the library.
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I would see if there is something that can help her get her legs up on her bed without help. Maybe her bed can be lowered. I have a 5 inch boxspring on my bed. My daughters bed frame is wood with slats so we put plywood over the slats and layed the mattress on top.

For Mom I had a small bed bar. It was L shaped with the longest part fitting between mattress and boxspring. It was 18 in wide. Mom could pull herself up. Swing her legs over side of bed and use the bar to stand up and steady herself. Here's one similar.

https://www.amazon.com/Vive-Compact-Bed-Rail-Silver/dp/B07NWWWKNJ/ref=asc_df_B07NWWWKNJ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=507663052233&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2439007045431421184&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003829&hvtargid=pla-1252283123036&psc=1
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blickbob Mar 2022
The bed can't be lowered and after initially wanting a box spring, she long changed her mind.
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What does mom's doctor say her care needs are?

What does mom's doctor tell her about her diet?

Has your mother been referred to PT? To a nutritionist? For mental health care?

Get mom's doctor to order an occupational therapy evaluation. They need to come to the home and assess her arrangements for getting out of bed, out of chairs. It sounds like she needs something to grab onto to help her pivot off the bed.

That something shouldn't be you.
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bundleofjoy Apr 2022
thanks to this website, i learned about the existence of the M rail (small bed rail you attach to the bed). i ordered it some days ago.

my LO is already using it, and it helps a lot! :)
1 BIG problem solved.

we have an electric bed, with rails -- but when the rail is up, my LO isn't able to bring it down on their own. so putting the rail up isn't a good idea for my LO (mobile).

now with the little M rail, my LO can pivot off the the bed much more easily.

i hope OP, it can help you too (but i have the impression your mother's main mobility problem is overweight, lack of muscle).

when my LO had walking problems in the past: the only way forward was physiotherapy.
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The OP's mother may have legitimate care needs, but from my reading, he is simply guessing at what is going on.

There needs to be a professional assessment of those needs and a plan put in place to address them.
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blickbob Apr 2022
There needs to be a professional or two AND a proper plan into the mix. I'm not equipped for this and she's too lazy and stubborn to get a real plan going and get real help.
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