Does life get better for the spouse of a demented person (he is 20 years older than I)? I feel like my world is turned upside down.

With dementia and memory loss nothing ever gets better, it only gets different. A wise person told me this and it helps me cope. You may hope for a different path, but the reality there is none. Cherish the past, celebrate the moments when the person you care about has their flashes of "normal" and take care of yourself. That is the hardest part. This journey is difficult with no cure...while it is a tough journey remember that every decision you make is the right one.

((HUGS))

This is a very difficult time, however, a time for transition. He is giving you some time to transition to a different way of life. I suggest that you begin to find some activities that allow you to visit with your husband, while also allow you to carve a new routine for yourself.

It is a very lonely time. What did you do in your past life? Can you find an opportunity, unpaid or paid, that allows you to do that now maybe a few hours a week? Start searching now so that you can find something that fits you. How about volunteering for an alzheimer's group? How about volunteering with a literacy group? In the early stages, I thought I wanted to volunteer with the Humane Society, however they wanted a commitment of time, and I couldn't commit.

Remember, the "healthier" you are, the better you will be able to care for your husband. Think of yourself as a manager of his care.

Its time to re-invent yourself again, and prepare for the future while still working with the present.

Don't get depressed. You cannot give the best care to your husband while being depressed.

((HUGS))

Relocating to where his facility is: Doesn't sound wise. I read through all the comments and responses and I could not find out "how far" your home town is from the Facility your husband resides in. It's too late for most to try to establish a "new life" in a new town. You can travel TO his facility town and spend a couple of nights in a motel, every week if you choose. OR: Is it a drive trip that you could "go and come back home" in a day? Need to know that piece of the puzzle. Dear Bepperboo, please seek out counseling, as what you are going through most certainly warrants having a skillful therapist to share your deepest innermost feelings and thoughts with. You need support! Back in your hometown engage in volunteer: Library, women's shelter, Church, reading club, exercise class, walking group, just suit yourself but get thee out of the house, dear lady! Being out in "nature" is always an upper, so walks through springtime flowers with your new Walking Buddies is something you can summons the inner strength to try. You are going to live life in two places: The place where your husband is in Assisted Living and the place/town where you call "home". A Grief Support Group might be idea, as a large part of what is overwhelming is both grieving the loss of the husband you know and love..

Easier really isn't the answer, you learn to accept a new reality or let yourself go insane honestly. I am 24 years younger than my husband. When you have been married to someone for a long, long time them being "gone" even though they are alive makes it feel like nothing especially because you built a life together. The fact is, you are starting over so it is scary, hard, depressing. I find myself crying a lot hating my new reality but the fact is I either accept a new reality and that things are going to be rough and bumpy, or I don't go on with life.

The man you married physically and mentally is different and in gone. I'm sorry, I know that is difficult to hear, but it goes from a typical relationship to caregiver/patient. You said you could live in the town where he is. Would you be okay to do that mentally? Is it far from where you currently are? If you can stay where you are and it is not really far away to visit, it might be better. Moving can be so, so hard and you don't want to be tempted to take him back home to care for him. As much as you love him, it will mentally and physically drain you to try.

I rarely post an answer but I felt compelled to write you and say that placing him will allow yall to be husband and wife without all that caregiving which devastates relationships. You can visit so much and be there in a way you cannot while caregiving. You can oversee all his needs still as much as you want. Your love for him came through your words and touched me deeply. Sending you all the best that all of us can hope for.

It is very hard to watch a spouse decline and realize that your life will be changed forever. When you are 30 and 50, the age difference is not very noticeable. When you are 65 and 85 the difference can be huge... Just love him and take care of him while he is still here. Take breaks as needed. This is hard.
You need support and other activities to keep your spirits up. Join a walking group. Join a support group. Meet girlfriends for coffee once a week. You're going to have to make an effort to look for the joy in things because the sadness and stress of dealing with a loved one who is sick can really suck the life out of you if you let it. Find a book that interests you and start reading it aloud to him. Play music during your visits. If possible and weather permits, push him in a wheelchair outside to get some fresh air.

Do both. Visit him regularly and be his advocate. But also do things you enjoy. While my husband was a long-term care resident, I took some vacations (none longer than 7-10 days), tried some new volunteer activities, and had more time to get involved in our church. I even attended one of his high school reunions in his place (about a 400 mile drive each way). Don't be afraid to seek professional counseling or counsel from a member of the clergy (assuming you are a member of a church, synagogue, mosque or temple).

I was in a similar situation I took care of my bedbound wife (+20 years older) for 3 years until she passed away. Before she died I gave up my life to care for her. I had no idea just how much time it took. Now that she passed I miss her and find it difficult to move on. Just too many memories.

Beeperboo: You may be aided with therapy sessions.

Good Evening,

Caring for a loved one with Dementia is not for the faint of heart...But a girl's gotta get out. Join a swim club, walking club, join a book club, have the Church people visit.

If you don't do this things your associations will be CVS drive-thru, the lab tech and appointment scheduler at the primary care doctor's.

Just bought some tulips from the supermarket for me and these little things like a chocolate bar come in handy too. It's a long goodbye this beast of a disease and it's like running a marathon, we all have to make it to the finish line, still standing!

Amen...Happy Easter!

Maybe keep in mind that with dementia, they are not the same man you married.
They cannot be fixed or cured from this horrible disease.

When you have a best friend/spouse with you so long, that suddenly changes into a basic stranger needing 24/7 care, of course you want the husband you had back. Of course you would miss him, as well as your life you had before all this happened.

Watching my incredible second husband slowly die from Stage 4 cancer destroyed my life, hopes and dreams. I had to be brave and worried constantly. I had to work, to pay for his treatment. I had to stay strong, keep my head on straight, and focus on getting us both through it. I was lonely all the times he spent in the hospital.

It's great he is adjusting. Now you can be his wife again. Make this time matter as best you can. I wish you peace in your heart.

I would encourage you to get some therapy / counseling support.
You likely are exhausted, grieving, and depressed.

Your question asks for 'hope' "Does life get better ..."
I believe the answer is - or depends - on what you do.
You could continue on a downward spiral or you could reach out for support and make a decision to live.

I tend to believe that in some situations - if not most - life 'gets better' when we accept what is vs fighting realty. In other words, be PRESENT in your life and take a moment at a time.

Often 'getting better' is believing it will ... having hope ... and the tenancity to move / push through while acknowleding. the pain / grief you are in. It isn't a matter of pushing your pain away, it is a matter of being willing to feel through feelings, which is - to me - a way of honoring your husband and the love you feel for him.

Consider what your husband would want for you.

I believe he would want you to enjoy your life, not give up. Don't you?

I recall when my friend-companion said to me "I want you to take care of yourself." I think of his words often when I am depleted and may make decisions that are less than taking care of myself. His words though ring in my head - are an inspiration to 'push through and 'keep going' when it feels hard.

Wrecking your life is an interesting choice of wording.
I imagine that 'this' life you are now experiencing feels unmanageable - you saying you do not want to live. I believe you DO want to live and want to find a way to do that, which is why you are reaching out to us here.

If I was in your situation, I would reframe this thought somehow ... perhaps

"I need support now.
Life is overwhelming.
I am grief stricken. I am so sad. "

Then reach out to a professional - group therapy AND / OR find an association that supports spouses.

Hang on for the life you want for yourself as this is the life your husband would want for you. If you need to lean on him now, do it for him. Take steps to find the light, walk in the healing light. It is there waiting for you.

Gena / Touch Matters

I am 10 yrs younger than my husband of 30 yrs. You are blessed to be loving your husband. I am saddened to feel nothing but empathy for mine. It’s been a long pathetic marriage relationship we’ve had. So much history to repeat but at 73 I’m to the point in my life where I am resolved to it is what it is n make do. Mine was near death after collapsing on the floor the other nite but now still refuses to discuss anything regards his physical n mental condition, let alone want to do anything to help himself. His two kids also refuse to have anything to do with him. I will continue to meet his needs ie; meals, clean house etc but refuse to enable his bad behaviors.

I feel your pain...my husband is 18 years older than I, had a stroke nine years ago (three months following my retirement) and has vascular dementia. He is French, and we live in France, where the health system is in a deplorable state. Everyone who I speak to regarding care facilities strongly discourage me from taking that route. Lack of staff thus lack of care, cleanliness and little empathy. I am grateful to have been able to read the responses to this question, which hopefully will help me to better deal with the guilt that comes along with being a caregiver in this situation. As several responders have written, only the caregiver can decide what is the best thing to do. It’s wonderful that you have a facility that your husband is adjusting to. Perhaps he was feeling lonely at home…the house often becomes sadly empty when there’s someone with dementia living in it… And a good facility can provide some activity and companionship. And you, his loving wife, visiting to share happier moments with him. Bon courage!🙏🙏🙏

I don’t think anyone can answer these questions for you. You are the only person who can say what is best for you. What works for one person may not work for another person.

It may help you to read how others feel about it but in the end it’s up to you to decide what suits your needs best.

There is no easy solution for these situations. All I can say is that I wish you peace as you navigate through this difficult situation.

My husband is 20 years my senior too. I understand your love for him, and missing his presence at home. The fact he is adjusting well to MC is a blessing. Sounds like you’ve already felt the strain of full time care giving. It robs us of being a wife. You have that opportunity now. Visit. Manage his care, and enjoy the time, while you can. Hugs to you; I know it’s damn hard.

My husband is 18 years older than me and his first trial respite stay starts Friday. I’m in meltdown worrying about it.

However, he’s become so volatile that home care can no longer provide us with in-home services. As a result of this decision, they are going to assess him for potential placement. To hear your husband has adapted so well has brightened my outlook.

Good luck with everything. Each new stage is stomach-gnawing for us caregivers. Please do let us know how you are managing.

Life changes, constantly.
So your life may not get "better" but
Your life will be different. It is already taking care of someone with dementia isn't it?
But your life got different when you met him, when you married him.
Sometimes taking care of someone means that you have to let someone else take care of that person.
If you were to place him permanently in Memory Care where it sounds like he is adjusting well..(great for both of you) you can then return to being a loving wife and NOT the primary caregiver. Yes you will still be a caregiver, you will also be a care manager.
To turn your phrase back...is it worse to watch him slowly die in a facility or to watch him slowly die at home? Or watch him establish a new life in a facility without you.
That is difficult.

You need to find YOU in all this.
You need to establish a new focus.
You need to reconnect with friends that have stopped calling you and asking if you want to grab lunch because you could never leave. Or you had other things to get done when you could get away.
Start Volunteering at something you like doing. Maybe 1 or 2 days a week.
Take some time for yourself.
A friend of mine at the Support Group that I now co facilitate called her self a Married Widow and I think the term fits perfectly.

(((hugs)))

No, life does not get any better.
As you know dementia is progressive and it gets worse.
The same for my husband, no dementia but Parkinson which usually progresses slowly for 20+ years.
So I know it is possible:
A. I am going to take care of him in my 50s, 60s and potentially 70s.
B. Some event or disease will end it.
C. If dementia happens and mobility issues become worse and he requires wheelchair he will go to facility. I know I will not be able to take care of him.
None of above is acceptable or easy. Yet, I must accept it.
Couples we are friends with find it hard to be around us. Understandable as my husband is often in pain, tired, he loses his voice, people have trouble understanding him.
I feel his frustration and pain. He is well informed and eloquent man yet his soft hardly audible voice pushes people away. We spent as usual winter in warmer climate and sadly I am sure this was our last trip, he is great traveler, no complains, but everything is too hard for him.
But I would go and dance on the beach till wee hours.
I cannot see doing this forever yet I cannot imagine any other outcome either.

Just a thought, I new someone that had an older husband, he had to go in memory care. She actually got a job there so she could be near him everyday. That is actually what I would probably do if, if my life went that way.

Who says you can't still care for him if he stays in the AL facility? You most certainly can.

You can be his advocate and ake sure he is being well cared for.

Have you ever looked into assisted living where the two of you could still live together? There are such places. You would get the help you need with him and you'd still be together. There are even ones that allow for a higher level of care when it's needed, right on the premesis.

You have choices. If you live alone consider getting a roommate. Share expenses and you wouldn't be alone.

Why is your husband in a facility that's not where you live? You're his wife.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 50 and I'm too old to pack it all in and set down roots in another place. I did that in three different states and it was a great adventure for sure, but I'm too old for it now. So think about what you'd be getting yourself into.

Start letting yourself have a bit of a life. What did you like to do before caregiving became most of your life?
Did you work? Or take classes? Did you enjoy cooking, painting, entertaining?

Try to remember the woman you were before caregiving and get to know her again beause she was probably fascinating.

Yes life does get better for the spouse of a demented person, but sadly not until after they die.
It is heart wrenching to watch the person you love slowly wither away. I know. My late husband was 12 years older than I and after having a massive stroke early in our marriage, ended up with vascular dementia which lead to his death in 2020.
I was able to keep my late husband in our home till his death, but I will be honest with you, it was very hard on me, but now in retrospect, I'm glad that I was able to do that for him.
But only you know what you can handle and what you can't, and there are no right or wrong answers, only what is best for the 2 of you.
I wouldn't be making any major changes or moves in your life right now, but perhaps just look for little things to do that bring you joy.
That can be just going to lunch or supper with friends, going to the gym to exercise, or taking a walk around your neighborhood. You can also take up some volunteer work as helping others always helps us feel better.
It's best now to try and establish some outside relationships with other women, so that when your husband does die, you will not be so lonely.
You can also see if your city has any in person caregiver support groups for you to attend.
My local support group was a life saver for me while I was caring for my husband, and let me know that I wasn't alone in what I was going through.
My husband has been dead for 3 1/2 years now, and I can tell you that life does go on, and it does get better.
Do I still miss him? Of course, I always will. But I now stay busy volunteering at several different charitable organizations and at my church, and am enjoying my new found freedom of only having to look after myself, and being able to do what I want, when I want and if I want.
So hang in there. This journey won't be easy, but you're going to make it and be a stronger, better person when it's all said and done.
God bless you.

If he is doing well where he is I would leave him there. Then you can just be his wife not his caregiver. His needs are going to be more and more.

There isva point where you can place them too late. Harder to adjust. The earlier he gets used to the AL the more likely he will except itcas his home. You can visit and have a life doing things with friends. Maybe get a job if u don't already have one. If you have him stay at the AL then see an elder lawyer to split ur assets. His split will be used for his care.

What you are experiencing is a kind of grief that the life you have isn't the life you planned for, and also, you can't really control it much.

So--your DH is in an ALF a distance from where you live? So, daily visits are not possible? You certainly could move to where he is, but do you want to uproot your whole life for that? What is DH's prognosis? And how 'bad' is he? Would he even remember your visits and such?

You are calmer now, and more able to make decisions. People with dementia don't get better. The slide downward is awful (as you well know) and can be quick, or slow and steady. You already know you can't care for your DH at home and he is where he needs to be, for both your sake's.

Sit down and write out all the pros and cons of decisions you might make. Weigh them out. Take your time, as this is a HUGE decision.

Maybe after you have visited with your DH at the ALF you will have some clarity as to what you should do.

((hugs)) I know this is hard.

You know I think now that placement is best for you both.
BUT, you have for years made this man your very life. Every second of your life. You are totally enmeshed with him and with his every waking and sleeping need.
It isn't going to be easy to break the cycle of this.

Whether you watch him slowly die in a facility or not, you are going to watch him slowly die.
You are suggesting that without him (and without watching this slow death) you have nothing, and I know that is how you feel now. And the sad truth is that it will come to the point that, no matter your "relative youth" you are not going to be wife, but full time caregiver, and could die of that before him.

My suggestion is that you face this. There is little choice. Place your husband. Visit. If you find you are lost and lonely find a way to volunteer there. I have seen a friend do this with her mother. Slowly find support whether in your faith-based community if you have one, or a grieving and support group, or whether online on Facebook or other social media. Slowly branch out. Our library has volunteers, has movie night, has craft classes. What about yours? Take up sewing, knitting, something else. Painting, puzzles, podcasts. Begin with filling the time whether an herb garden or african violets. And visit.

I am sorry. There's no way out of this but through it the best way you can.
I hope you will update us about your decision.