Does anyone else wish it was over? Mom had a nervous breakdown years ago. She is not the mom I grew up with. That mom is gone. I'm just done.

Please consider placing her in a facility. It is an option. Many people do it, and everyone can be better off for it.

One of the behaviors that certainly justifies placement is filth in your home that she puts there and you have to clean up. It is not safe to expose your household to feces. It's a health hazard. Feces spread disease.

I don't know why you haven't placed her before. If you made one of those promises that "Mommy, I'll never throw you in a nursing home," break it. Nursing homes are where some people need to be for their own betterment. If you don't know how to get her out of your house, enlist the help of her doctor and social services.

You don't have to do this. Good luck with moving on.

PS: She could live another 10 years. People do.
PS Again: I hoped and prayed that my mom would die when she was lingering with dementia. Her condition was horrible. She wanted to die. But she lived to 95. You need to place your mom so she isn't with you for the next hundred or more years. Seriously.

Yes I wish it was over. My dad is 95 and in a NH. We are trying to place our 95 yo mother there. She just survived covid and is in rehab. She was complaining last month because she didn’t think we were doing enough for her. She felt our dad was receiving more attention than her. She decided she wanted to be in the NH with him. So we were moving heaven and earth trying to do that. She finally had a reason to go to the hospital having caught covid. I am trying to apply for Medicaid for her for long term
care.

Now she says she wants to go home. At her insistence we had to let her helpers go. We were paying them as a fallback plan until the dust settled. But she got really mad that we were spending “my money’ as she said that way

She is refusing to take PT . I don’t know if Medicare will cover this.

It cannot end soon enough. This is killing me.

It is not at ALL awful to say. You are living a nightmare, and the sooner it is over the better for all concerned.

I have lurked enough on this forum to know better than to say that bringing her into your house was a disastrous mistake, but…well, I suppose I just said it. Too late to rewrite that chapter, but perhaps your miserable story can be a cautionary tale to others who might be considering this idea. Ninety-one? A mere ingenue, these days! We are seeing the old folks drag it out well past 100, alas,

You are well within reason to hate the status quo. I hope your terrible trial ends in time for you to reclaim some fun and joy in life.

My mom is 86, and so far doing fairly well. I've been up front with her for a long time that she can't come live with me, so has to stay active and healthy as long as possible.

My husband and I have supported her financially for the past 20 years, as she couldn't be bothered to save for her old age. We ended up having to pay for her house.....long story, but it wasn't that expensive due to the house being handed down to the 4 kids, of which she was one, so "she" bought the other three out....and we just recently put a roof on it....the house payment was MUCH less than an apartment rents for, and she couldn't even afford that. So as you might imagine, I've gotten over being her support, as she often acts very entitled. She put the (minimal) down payment on the house, and we paid it off over the years.

I couldn't subject my husband to having her live with us, as I can't stand to be around her for more than about 1/2 a day every several weeks. I just got laid off, so financial support for her will be very minimal when it happens going forward.

I'm 62, and hope I get to my 90s...but only if I can stay mobile and mentally with it (as we have no kids to help out). I've taken to doing 45-60 minutes of exercise most days, and have heard that--along with eating right, and also exercising your brain--is a huge key to aging better. Only time will tell....

Sorry that this post was a bit off track, but just goes to show how many scenarios there are out there, and that we all have valid reasons for deciding to, or not to, take in a parent.

Way2tired: I fully understand your FIL's position--and yours. Walking is becoming more difficult for me with worsening back problems. Up until a few months ago I used to walk a mile+ every day but those days may be gone (we'll see when the temp, almost 90 deg. today, returns to walking level). I'm not at "want-it-over" quite yet though.

The exhausted hands on caregivers want it to be over.

The caregivers who visit unhappy LO’s who don’t live at home want it over .

The caregivers watching a loved one decline want it over .

The caregivers watching a LO suffer want it over.

The caregivers who feel guilt want it over .

The caregivers who are isolated want it over .

When the LO is miserable, scared, suffering , and/or have no quality of life ………….everyone wants it over .

I think if you search your heart, the real desire is relief from the burden and pain. Not a wishing of anything bad for your Mom. And that's normal. Not awful.

Southiebella,your post is particularly heartbreaking although I know many are suffering caring for parents at home. Is there no way you could place your mother in a facility at this point. Spending days as you are being so very compromised with such hopelessness is obviously soul crushing. Please try to reclaim some of your life by looking into placing your mother.

Oh dear...my heart goes out to you, and I know exactly what you are talking about. If we were robots with endless power to move and stay awake and clean up sh*t (an activity I never imagined would become so common for me) I think hoping that the journey would end for someone might be discussed. But we're not: we are human too, many of us have long ceased to be spring chickens, and the constant stress and emotional yo-yoing can actually kill people. I know because recently my doc saw me -- my BP was 190/90. He wanted me to head for cardiac testing if more meds didn't get it down in 3 days -- it did, thank goodness. But I also have constant nausea and am quickly developing arthritis that makes my hands and feet and knees and, well, everthing hurt all the time.

I was reading about PTSD. Many of these symptoms are those of PTSD.

So of course I, a human being subject to limitations in power, can't help but wish for an end, some peace, some time to think about anything that ISN'T shit on the floor. Just like any living being we must be forgiven for wanting to survive. 14 years?!? And life can't be pleasant for her either. The normal end to it all is death, peace, relief. We are not yearning for something that is abnormal. The bullet with our name on it is coming for every single living being. I'm ready for my own beloved husband (93 with dementia) to go -- the thought of the nightmare world of daily humiliations, forgetting, losing each ability...who would choose that for themselves? Likewise, who would choose in advance to make sure their loved ones would end up being caretakers who are ready to drop where they stand?

Hugs to you...what a difficult (really almost impossible) thing is robbing you of your own life and health. Well, you know you have many, many friends here who are living in some version of what you are suffering through.

Realist here at 86 Y/O: not a fan of seeing my 90s! Physical pain, declining functionality, disability--who needs it? Then, there's the cost of old age care; unaffordable to most for very long unless they inherited $$$ or earned Big Buck$ during their working years? (Neither applies to us.) I'm ready to accept my Final Exit in the reasonably foreseeable future except that I would hope not to predecease my 93 Y/O spouse or our 13 Y/O black cat.

Although we did our best to plan for our "golden years", neither of us EVER anticipated living as long as we have. We heartily recommend that longevity researchers direct their efforts elsewhere! IMO, the average human body is pretty much at the "best-if-used-by" point by the time it reaches 75-80 years (O.K., maybe 85)--super-elders and outliers notwithstanding.

I’m in the same boat. My mother was mutually estranged for 10 years. My childhood and early adult years were full of things that caused me (and my brother) some real trauma. She returned in October, needing all sorts of help. I tolerate her at best. My mother is more mental illness than affected by dementia. But her mental stuff makes her lie, manipulate, and make very poor decisions. I’m honestly shocked she made it through her recent 6 hour neck surgery. She at least lately pretends to love and trust me. It’s soul crushing for me to grit my teeth and be at least pleasant to her. I treat her more like a client, and that’s the best I can do. She

BeeSuz, I wish every day that it was over. I've been caring for my 96 yo mother for the past 17 years with the past 6 in my home. My only sibling is dead, so it's all on me.

My mother always put herself first and when she tearfully asked me to promise that I would never put her in a nursing home I promised. And yes, I know that she no longer remembers that....but I do.....and my personal conviction is that I will keep the promise

I've been told by friends who have now drifted away that if I'm not going to place her in MC or NH then I'd better not complain.

Nevertheless......this season of caregiving was something that I never wanted and I have lost pretty much everything that I enjoyed. I don't even care to clean my house any longer. Everything that I attempt to do gets interrupted by her care demands, so why bother?

She has dementia, is blind, hard of hearing, has mobility issues, is a fall risk, has edema in her lower right leg, snaps at me, finds fault, is needy needy needy.

I do have 4 sitters who come and go at various times and give me a break from dementia prison, but I find that even dealing with them aggravates me and stresses me out. Plus, I no longer have a life of any consequence, so I just go wander around Wal Mart or Home Depot or the grocery store just to stay gone for 3-4 hours.

Just having to depend on someone else so I can freaking drive out of my driveway grinds my gears.

I cry almost daily now. I woke up this morning crying because I'm so exhausted and sick of all of it. Wiping poop at midnight, no freedom, never getting enough sleep, having my name called endlessly, keeping up with bowel movements, getting her in the shower once a week and on it goes.

I am so isolated and lonely I can't breathe.

As of March my mother is under Hospice care so I've had a better level of support. She was a death's doorstep from a respiratory infection - brought in by a sitter - and once again she has rallied and is back to her baseline.

So yes, I'm ready for it to be over, but as others have said here, she can very well live to 100 or beyond at this point.

I'm not loud, so I don't yell - on the contrary - I just carry out my duties as quietly as possible and try not cry all the time.

How can it be wrong to want it over? She is going to Heaven. She will be with her loved ones - I'm the only one left here - she will be able to see and will be joyful.

Many of you know my story. But similar situation with not being qualified for Medicaid, not enough money for nursing home and 15 months of pure agony taking care of 77 year old mom with several mental issues including level 3 dementia as well as many medical proplems. I had it. My life was no longer my life, but a continual focus on her. A week and a half ago, during her last suicide threat, I called 911. Paramedics picked her up. She then transferred to a geriatric mental health facility and I made it clear to doctor and SW that she could not return to my home. SW said it would be difficult to find a place for her with her limited resources and I said then make her a ward of the state. It is not safe for her to be returned to my home. She needs 24 hour supervision and we work. So far, so good. I don't have to let her back here and I am not going to spend the next 20 years taking care of her. I have a life! I didn't sign up to be her 24 hour nurse.

Use these boards to develop a strategy and free yourself. It was the best thing I ever did.

This is one reason why Assisted Suicide should be an option.

Yes, if we caregivers are honest we all feel the same way. It may be time to move her or hire caregivers. Caregivers will allow her to stay home but it sounds like you are ready for her to move. Does she qualify for palliative care or hospice?
Would be worth getting her accessed. Good Lord you have done all you could. for a long time.

I was primary caregiver( with sister part time) for mom & dad until they passed in the last 2 yrs. They had both agency & private caregivers to help me but it was still exhausting. The doctor appointments, meds, meals, schedules etc. You know! They remained in their own independent living (HA) apartment on a senior community.

Now we have husband's 94 year old aunt in her home, advanced dementia, private caregivers 24/7. Husband's brother & wife help minimally. We are on call 24/7, husband will not leave town for a break.
He is a wreck from all this so I do the hands on stuff. We just started in home hospice that has relieved a big burden.
Lots of stress.

Worse part I believe is family does not understand what real life is with these elders. We are told all the time just take a vacation.

I tried with all the elders to pull in as much help as I could. I am so sorry because I know this is very hard.

I don't blame you. It's hard work and you're probably very tired and wrung out. Use the respite.

Put mom in a nursing home. Use mom’s money to pay for the nursing home. That’s what retirement money is for . It’s to take care of her while she is alive .

Why are you not using moms money for a nursing home ? Are you trying to save her money for your own inheritance ? There is no inheritance until someone dies.

Use moms money for a nursing home . When she gets close to running out of money start the Medicaid process . You said Mom does not have enough money for a nursing home . An elder care attorney can help with the spend down process and to get Medicaid . Use moms money for the attorney .

OMgosh!! I feel the same about my parents! I have only been in this situation for a short time and am already loosing my mind. The idea of 14 more years kills me!

I think about something happening to them all the time. It would make life so much easier! I think about what a waste of time, money, and energy they have become and then I feel incredibly guilty!!

I have told my children to give me some really good drugs and tell me to chase butterflies (off a cliff) when I get like my parents. Horrible- I know!

good luck, go get a donut, God Bless you for what you are doing!

Bee, I hear you! I feel your pain too! My mom lived to be 95. She lived with us for 14 years. Towards the end I thought I would lose my mind!

One of my biggest regrets in life was that I couldn’t find it in my heart to place her in a facility. Please look into placement for your mom.

I had extenuating circumstances in how my mom came to live with us. She became instantly homeless when she lost her home and all of her belongings in hurricane Katrina.

Mom’s home had nine feet of water and couldn’t be repaired. My parents bought the home when I was a baby.

It was quite an emotional time for everyone in New Orleans. All I could think of doing, was to comfort my mother as best I could.

Initially, things weren’t so bad. I was able to work and I was raising my children. As mom’s Parkinson’s disease progressed, it was a different ball game. As you say, they aren’t the same mother as they were before.

I quit my job to care for her full time and depression set in, then anxiety. I look back and see that I developed an unhealthy codependency with my mother.

I ended up in therapy. I suggest that you do the same. Speak with a licensed therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

It certainly helps to get an outside objective opinion when we can no longer see things as they truly are.

Wishing you the very best. You can’t change the past but you can move forward.

Transitioning into new territory is never easy but it is possible and so worth it!

Take care.

Why is she living with you for 14 years when you feel this way? Who's living their best life here? Nobody. My mother took her mother in, for some reason, and went about destroying many lives in the process, including my childhood. For what? Grandma would've been much better off in a nursing home where she wouldn't have been yelled at all day long, and I wouldn't have had a traumatic childhood as a result.

Your mother can live to 100. Mine lived to 95, complaining and miserable every day of her life. But she did so in Memory Care Assisted Living where I didn't have to deal with it 24/7. My life is valuable too, and I realized that from the get-go. So is yours.

Make your future into what you want it to be NOW.

The simplest answers are right in front of our eyes, yet we can't just see. Put her in a nursing home. There's no point in ruining your life trying to care for a zombie.

Time to free yourself and place her, I hate to say this but she can live for another several years, my mother is 98 and has a 16% chance of living beyond 100.

Fortunately, we have never lived together in adulthood, there is no way that I would ever live with a parent.

You are burned out, do something about it, the ball is in your court.

I agree, it time to place her.

When I got to the point where I felt anger and resentment every day I finally admitted to myself that I had to place my mom in the nursing home, it wasn't fair to her to be cared for by someone who couldn't always hide her feelings and it wasn't fair to me that I had lost sight of the woman she had previously been.

I've not had to live with my dad but I am definitely "over it". He's 102 and lives in assisted living, moving only from his bed to his chair. Can't see, can't hear, and can't remember that I visited him. He has had plenty of good times in his life but this is certainly not one of them. And I"m now old and am responsible for him just as if I had a toddler to care for. Every phone call I hope it's the Assisted Living nurse telling me he's passed.

She needs to be living somewhere else. Professionals are accustomed to this behavior. I hope you find the right place for her.

By the way, your feelings are normal.

Lived with you 14 years. That’s very hard. What a warm-hearted person you must be. I can understand “you’re done”. I think you should place her in a good NH. You’ve done a lot.

After fourteen years of course you’re exhausted and feel ready for it to end. You’re a human, not a saint. You have serious burnout, very understandably. I essentially lost my mother twice with four years in between. She had a hugely life altering stroke that took away every ability and I lost the great relationship we had and the mom I knew. After living a nightmare in a very compassionate nursing home (the nightmare was the damage the stroke did, not the nursing home) I lost her to death. In between, I often wished it was over, for both of us. It’s time for a new plan for mom, this isn’t good for either of you. She now needs more care than you can provide on your own and you need your own health, physical and emotional, considered and cared for. Please look into how to change things, adding more help in the home or mom moving to a place where more help is available. This isn’t your fault, it’s simply too much. Please know you matter too

Don't you wish you knew then what you know now? I feel for you, BeeSuz. It's not wrong to wish it was over. You're exhausted. As a society, we were not prepared for how long our elders would live and how much care they would need. It's a grim situation for so many.

I don't understand why you have made the choice to have this woman who you say you do not any longer even recognize as your mother, live with you. I think that is a bad choice for the sake of you both.

Can you tell me a bit about why you have no chosen in-facility care for your mother?

As to the "sound effects", yesterday on another thread Geaton posted a link to Tardive Dyskinesia. It would help you perhaps if you do a bit of research on these sort of "tics" some elders get under that title on google or other search engine. Your Mom may be on medications that cause these (check with her doc) or she may simply have these and I do hear that sometimes very low dose anti-depressants can help them. In any case, get help for that one from the doc, as once a sound gets stuck as that annoying in our brains it can cause great emotional distress, sometimes even anger.

I wish you the best.
And to answer, finally, your question? Yes. Many of us wish it to be over. My own brother wished release from his torment, and I wished it for him. You are not alone.