Does anyone else wish it was over? Mom had a nervous breakdown years ago. She is not the mom I grew up with. That mom is gone. I'm just done.

When I got to the point where I felt anger and resentment every day I finally admitted to myself that I had to place my mom in the nursing home, it wasn't fair to her to be cared for by someone who couldn't always hide her feelings and it wasn't fair to me that I had lost sight of the woman she had previously been.

I've not had to live with my dad but I am definitely "over it". He's 102 and lives in assisted living, moving only from his bed to his chair. Can't see, can't hear, and can't remember that I visited him. He has had plenty of good times in his life but this is certainly not one of them. And I"m now old and am responsible for him just as if I had a toddler to care for. Every phone call I hope it's the Assisted Living nurse telling me he's passed.

The exhausted hands on caregivers want it to be over.

The caregivers who visit unhappy LO’s who don’t live at home want it over .

The caregivers watching a loved one decline want it over .

The caregivers watching a LO suffer want it over.

The caregivers who feel guilt want it over .

The caregivers who are isolated want it over .

When the LO is miserable, scared, suffering , and/or have no quality of life ………….everyone wants it over .

BeeSuz, I wish every day that it was over. I've been caring for my 96 yo mother for the past 17 years with the past 6 in my home. My only sibling is dead, so it's all on me.

My mother always put herself first and when she tearfully asked me to promise that I would never put her in a nursing home I promised. And yes, I know that she no longer remembers that....but I do.....and my personal conviction is that I will keep the promise

I've been told by friends who have now drifted away that if I'm not going to place her in MC or NH then I'd better not complain.

Nevertheless......this season of caregiving was something that I never wanted and I have lost pretty much everything that I enjoyed. I don't even care to clean my house any longer. Everything that I attempt to do gets interrupted by her care demands, so why bother?

She has dementia, is blind, hard of hearing, has mobility issues, is a fall risk, has edema in her lower right leg, snaps at me, finds fault, is needy needy needy.

I do have 4 sitters who come and go at various times and give me a break from dementia prison, but I find that even dealing with them aggravates me and stresses me out. Plus, I no longer have a life of any consequence, so I just go wander around Wal Mart or Home Depot or the grocery store just to stay gone for 3-4 hours.

Just having to depend on someone else so I can freaking drive out of my driveway grinds my gears.

I cry almost daily now. I woke up this morning crying because I'm so exhausted and sick of all of it. Wiping poop at midnight, no freedom, never getting enough sleep, having my name called endlessly, keeping up with bowel movements, getting her in the shower once a week and on it goes.

I am so isolated and lonely I can't breathe.

As of March my mother is under Hospice care so I've had a better level of support. She was a death's doorstep from a respiratory infection - brought in by a sitter - and once again she has rallied and is back to her baseline.

So yes, I'm ready for it to be over, but as others have said here, she can very well live to 100 or beyond at this point.

I'm not loud, so I don't yell - on the contrary - I just carry out my duties as quietly as possible and try not cry all the time.

How can it be wrong to want it over? She is going to Heaven. She will be with her loved ones - I'm the only one left here - she will be able to see and will be joyful.

Don't you wish you knew then what you know now? I feel for you, BeeSuz. It's not wrong to wish it was over. You're exhausted. As a society, we were not prepared for how long our elders would live and how much care they would need. It's a grim situation for so many.

She needs to be living somewhere else. Professionals are accustomed to this behavior. I hope you find the right place for her.

By the way, your feelings are normal.

Realist here at 86 Y/O: not a fan of seeing my 90s! Physical pain, declining functionality, disability--who needs it? Then, there's the cost of old age care; unaffordable to most for very long unless they inherited $$$ or earned Big Buck$ during their working years? (Neither applies to us.) I'm ready to accept my Final Exit in the reasonably foreseeable future except that I would hope not to predecease my 93 Y/O spouse or our 13 Y/O black cat.

Although we did our best to plan for our "golden years", neither of us EVER anticipated living as long as we have. We heartily recommend that longevity researchers direct their efforts elsewhere! IMO, the average human body is pretty much at the "best-if-used-by" point by the time it reaches 75-80 years (O.K., maybe 85)--super-elders and outliers notwithstanding.

Oh dear...my heart goes out to you, and I know exactly what you are talking about. If we were robots with endless power to move and stay awake and clean up sh*t (an activity I never imagined would become so common for me) I think hoping that the journey would end for someone might be discussed. But we're not: we are human too, many of us have long ceased to be spring chickens, and the constant stress and emotional yo-yoing can actually kill people. I know because recently my doc saw me -- my BP was 190/90. He wanted me to head for cardiac testing if more meds didn't get it down in 3 days -- it did, thank goodness. But I also have constant nausea and am quickly developing arthritis that makes my hands and feet and knees and, well, everthing hurt all the time.

I was reading about PTSD. Many of these symptoms are those of PTSD.

So of course I, a human being subject to limitations in power, can't help but wish for an end, some peace, some time to think about anything that ISN'T shit on the floor. Just like any living being we must be forgiven for wanting to survive. 14 years?!? And life can't be pleasant for her either. The normal end to it all is death, peace, relief. We are not yearning for something that is abnormal. The bullet with our name on it is coming for every single living being. I'm ready for my own beloved husband (93 with dementia) to go -- the thought of the nightmare world of daily humiliations, forgetting, losing each ability...who would choose that for themselves? Likewise, who would choose in advance to make sure their loved ones would end up being caretakers who are ready to drop where they stand?

Hugs to you...what a difficult (really almost impossible) thing is robbing you of your own life and health. Well, you know you have many, many friends here who are living in some version of what you are suffering through.

After fourteen years of course you’re exhausted and feel ready for it to end. You’re a human, not a saint. You have serious burnout, very understandably. I essentially lost my mother twice with four years in between. She had a hugely life altering stroke that took away every ability and I lost the great relationship we had and the mom I knew. After living a nightmare in a very compassionate nursing home (the nightmare was the damage the stroke did, not the nursing home) I lost her to death. In between, I often wished it was over, for both of us. It’s time for a new plan for mom, this isn’t good for either of you. She now needs more care than you can provide on your own and you need your own health, physical and emotional, considered and cared for. Please look into how to change things, adding more help in the home or mom moving to a place where more help is available. This isn’t your fault, it’s simply too much. Please know you matter too

Bee, I hear you! I feel your pain too! My mom lived to be 95. She lived with us for 14 years. Towards the end I thought I would lose my mind!

One of my biggest regrets in life was that I couldn’t find it in my heart to place her in a facility. Please look into placement for your mom.

I had extenuating circumstances in how my mom came to live with us. She became instantly homeless when she lost her home and all of her belongings in hurricane Katrina.

Mom’s home had nine feet of water and couldn’t be repaired. My parents bought the home when I was a baby.

It was quite an emotional time for everyone in New Orleans. All I could think of doing, was to comfort my mother as best I could.

Initially, things weren’t so bad. I was able to work and I was raising my children. As mom’s Parkinson’s disease progressed, it was a different ball game. As you say, they aren’t the same mother as they were before.

I quit my job to care for her full time and depression set in, then anxiety. I look back and see that I developed an unhealthy codependency with my mother.

I ended up in therapy. I suggest that you do the same. Speak with a licensed therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

It certainly helps to get an outside objective opinion when we can no longer see things as they truly are.

Wishing you the very best. You can’t change the past but you can move forward.

Transitioning into new territory is never easy but it is possible and so worth it!

Take care.