Do I prepare mom with dementia for dad's passing?

She may be in a sort of denial, which I would consider a good thing.

I would NEVER bring up the subject of "Dad".
If SHE does I would be honest. But short and sweet unless she asks for more. ie "he's in hospital with that nasty cold again" or some such.
If he dies you will have to tell her.

Don't expect her not to react. If someone told you your husband died, would YOU not react? Reaction is the normal thing. I see far too many "children" now taking on responsibility that the parent be "happy all the time". That's not life and never WAS their lives. Life is full of grief and reacting to that grief and loss. You didn't do it. You aren't responsible. It is yet another awful loss which she will handle however she handles it (can't be predicted.)

So I would say to approach it with honesty but don't elaborate unless she wishes it. If she does go into a period of mourning help her with making scrapbooks of their lives together or some such to celebrate their years and their love. They have made it a long long, long journey, worthy of grief and worthy of celebration.

I think you should go day by day and see what is remembered and what is not. That he is ill right now should be told to her if she asks about him. Even his death might be a discussion to be had if she asks. But at some point when she asks, the best thing is to make up a story about where he is. My mom remembered my dad had died for several years, then went back and forth over 3 years of knowing and not knowing, and eventually I would tell her he went fishing when she asked. That was the only thing he ever did on his own without her. She had been with him nearly her entire life, so she never forgot about him, but forgot that he had died. It was a comfort for her to think he was still around.

When my daddy was failing he never asked about his wife (she had preceded him by 12 years) he knew he had been married but I never reminded him. I was afraid if I did he would be sad. I let him know he had grands and great grands that his kids loved him and he was loved. His greatest pleasure was praying to Jesus and we did that daily. He may have known his wife was in heaven but he never mentioned it. Like others have stated let the situation guide you and if you feel it really necessary to tell her then you will know how. Blessings

Yes let her Visit .

You say, "She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her."

That's your answer right there. Mom is to the point in her dementia where she's not bothered when dad is gone. So don't take her to visit him in the hospital, no way. That would be applying your rules of normalcy to HER. She lives in her own world now, which YOU have to enter into. It's a world that requires comfort and no anxiety whenever possible. If and when mom asks about dad, then you tell her he's sick with a cold and cannot visit. When he passes, you can tell her. My aunt had advanced Alzheimer's when her husband passed and the children insisted on taking her to his service at the cemetery. She sat there like a zombie, not understanding what was going on. Same with my mother when dad died, and her dementia wasn't too advanced at the time. She just sat there dry eyed and looking around. I'm not sure WHAT she got out of the funeral, if anything. They just aren't able to process information like we expect them to.

Sending you a prayer for peace in the midst of all of this.

You don’t know what the outcome will be for your dad yet. Maybe he will pull through this and maybe he won’t.

I don’t think that I would tell your mom anything just yet. It may cause her to have anxiety and make things worse for her.

Shortly after my mother was placed in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I kept this information from my her because it would have upset her terribly. I wanted her to be at peace.

If you do feel that it’s important to tell your mom about your dad, wait until you know something for sure.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.

Mom doesn't need to know much at all about this at present. Spare her the emergency ER visits, his condition, prognosis, and the hospital. If she asks, be honest but brief. In other words, say that dad's had a few health problems lately and change the topic. If she pursues, release more info. Why make her sad? And if he passes, no need for her to go to the funeral. They are sad affairs no matter how they play out. Usually the funeral home can make and post online a video of the service, which could be played for mom if she gets really inquisitive.

I will say that if I were your mom suffering from memory issues and my dear husband had passed, I would not want to know. I'd want to be left in my own world where he still lives somewhere.

If mom dies not ask about him unless you bring it up or if he has just visited I would not tell her.
I would also tell the staff not to say anything about dad to her.
IF she asks tell her he is not feeling well.
If she asks to see him you can honestly tell her he is in the hospital.
or If she asks to see him you can tell her he is in his apartment but still not feeling well and because of the pneumonia the doctors have said no visitors.

Don't tell her anything about your father's health or even when he passes.
If she's at the point where it's out of sight out of mind and she does not ask about him, leave well enough alone.

Should she ask for him, tell her that he's in the hospital and you're waiting on when he can be released.

What about Dad? Would he like to see her?

What about you? Are you “needing” to tell mom, to be comforted by her?

I am not saying what you should do but I am suggesting that you not just be concerned about mom. After all, she has the elixir of loss of memory. I don’t think it’s necessary to prepare her anymore than old age already has.

When my in-laws were in the hospital both at the same time, my SIL took her mom (dementia) around to see her dad. When asked if she wanted to go, she said no. SIL got her a wheelchair and took her anyway. FIL said to MIL, “I think God is calling us home”. MIL dismissed the idea. He died while there, she a month and a day later. SIL was glad she took her mom.

I suggest talking with a counselor at the Alzheimer's Association. Just call their hotline to get started. Except for one time, they have always been a good sounding board for me regarding dementia related matters.

I’m in the same situation. It’s a challenge for sure.

So sorry for the situation you are in.

While I do agree with others who say your Mom won’t probably remember, since she remembers some things, I say yes, tell her. She may or may not understand, but if she can remember some things, you should try to tell her.

Be prepared for ANY reaction (or none). Tell her in the simplest, clearest (but loving) way possible. However, don’t dwell on it…don’t keep trying to get her to understand if you think her reaction is inappropriate. Tell her once, answer any questions, then let it go.

We moved my father and mother at the same time to an AL where they roomed together until my father died a few months later. They had been married for 72 years and neither liked being away from the other. My mother has advanced vascular dementia so doesn't remember anything short term. When we moved them, we told Mother it was because Daddy was very sick and needed to be where there was 24 hour medical care. Over the course of the next few months, we continued to stress that he couldn't do this or go there because he was very very sick. She eventually acknowledged that he was sick and there was nothing we could do for him other than "love him through it."
When he finally passed, she accepted it incredibly well, seemed completely lucid actually when we told her, and I believe it was because in the back of her memories, somewhere, she knew he was sick and was going to leave her. A few times since then she has commented that he is gone "right?" and accepts the answer that yes, he is...but mostly, when she does ask about him, we just say he's gone fishing and she's good with that (he was an avid fisherman and this would not be unusual for him to be gone).
Of course this is my personal experience with my own mother. I believe preparing them gently for the inevitable is a good thing, but not to relive the reality once their loved one has passed...
It's a difficult, very personal journey you're on. Very similar to raising children, there are no instruction manuals, we must make the hard decisions according to our own hearts. It's obvious that you love and care for them deeply. Therefore, any decision you make will be the right one for you and for them.
Blessings to you and yours

My mother had dementia and was still at home when my dad (the healthy one) died. He'd been sick for six weeks, and she had picked up on the fact that something was wrong, but she didn't react much.

She was sad when he died, but she never shed a tear, and this was a woman who'd break down at the ending credits of a movie when the music swelled up.

Dementia had robbed her of her emotions, and she had completely forgotten my dad -- her husband of 66 years -- within two months of his death.

Honestly, you need to make the call because you know her best, but I'd treat your mom like you would a young child by not getting into a lot of details.

Dad is sick, she probably doesn't need to visit in the hospital (unless Dad would like to have her come), and if he dies, tell her gently and lovingly, but don't expect a normal reaction. She may kind of shrug it off. My mother was more excited about me taking her to find a blouse to wear to Dad's funeral than she was upset about him dying.

The whole experience was surreal, so don't expect normal here -- you won't find it.

This is my feedback and how I would handle:

Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her.
Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust.

If she doesn't ask, don't remind her / say anything. What good would that do (for her). It will / could agitate her. You want to keep her calm.

She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.

As she 'forgets' this is your answer: it doesn't seem to bother her.
Why upset the apple cart? Perhaps I do not understand your reasoning to bring up a sensitive topic / important relationship that she forgets about).

What do I tell mom about dad's health.

Nothing.

Do I prepare her for his passing.

No, there is no preparing when someone has dementia / forgets as she is doing.
There is 'no reason' to consider 'preparing' as this isn't possible due to memory loss / dementia.

Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released.

Absolutely not. Do not trigger memories, confusion, sadness. There is no reason to do this (to her). Why would you consider? I know you mean well, I just do not understand your reasoning.

I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.

She isn't grasping now. If she asks for him - at any time - tell her he's taking a nap (and will see you later or tomorrow... she'll forget) or something like that. Don't go into any long story.

Those of us of sound mind have difficulty grasping the reality of death / grief. That she is there now - forgetting, confused ... it is a gift in disguise really. The more that she forgets, the calmer she will be in present time.

You want to keep her (refer to) in PRESENT time.
Do not ask her questions that require her to think about the past, i.e., remember something that she can't remember/ recall.

Do google Teepa Snow and watch her You Tubes about how to communicate to an elder parent with memory loss. Reviewand/or buy one (or more) of her books / materials. I did her webinars for close to two years. Excellent training / education.

It is a difficult siutation and most family members learn as they go. It is a lot to learn in a very short time (it IS learning a new language).
No one is really prepared for these sitations unless specifically in the field / trained / understanding byworking with a person with memory loss-dementia.

Gena / Touch Matters

Mom has dementia, but she is still his wife. I would tell her his health is declining. If she asks, explain. I would also be honest and tell her he might not get better. Keep it simple. Then you can tell Dad that you are keeping Mom informed, and that she misses him.

When he dies, which you are saying may be in the near future, you can tell her that Dad was sick for X weeks/months and finally died. Express sympathy and empathy, even if she doesn't show much emotion. You can't change the reality of the situation, but you can show respect and kindness to both of them.

I’m sure you’ve gathered from the range of answers here, there’s no absolute answer. It mostly depends on your mom, how she reacts to things, etc. You know her best. I dealt with it both ways. 1 person (vasc. Dementia)we couldn’t tell anything because they would get confused, upsets & it made her worse. My dad ( alz) is different. He gets a little sad, but simple, general explantations, maybe repeated a couple of times, seems to help. He knew mom was sick, but no details. When she died, it stuck a little better in his mind. He remembered she had been sick.
So, it depends on your mom, stage at where she’s at. I agree with another poster, if it’s done simple & with love, whatever you decide will be ok. Just don’t force it. If it doesn’t seem right or you feel it is making her more upset/agitated, don’t worry about telling her. Go slow & you’ll know what’s working for her, your dad & you.

I would not say anything but let her visit him if she wants to but do not say anything that he might die. We never know with Dementia what they might remember. There is a song by Kathy Mattea "Where've You Been just listen to it before you decide but in the end it is up to you since you care for them. May God give you wisdom and discernment in this difficulty journey.

Mmccontex: Perhaps you can spare mom the heartbreak since "she forgets about it [his visiting]." Also, maybe dad will pull through. Hope for the best.

I would not say anything. Why upset her? If she asks anything, give short and vague answers.

Perhaps it would be better to ensure that she visits with him regularly so she sees the decline for herself. Then allow her to ask questions as he declines. If she doesn't ask, leave the his health problems out of the conversation.

If her dementia spirals and you are keeping her up to date with his health, it's possible it will only sadden her for periods of time that she may not even understand.

Been in this position already. Don't tell mom. Dad will die soon. Mom will just know when he is gone. Like an instinct I suppose. In any case...she will follow in death and little separation in time I may add. If they have been married a long amount of time, say 40 to 60 plus years...then the likelihood will increase of double funerals within a year or sooner. God bless your folks.