Do I have reasonable expectations?

I notice you said "future" MIL. Sonny boy cannot bring himself to cut those apron strings. If he is in his forties, he never will. You are engaged to a man with a controlling mother who will never give him permission to marry.
Unless he is able to break the cycle of abuse, mom will continue to dominate his life and his future.

Oh dear sounds like my EX mil! I feel for you, nip this in the bud now! And yes i know only too well the "looks" they throw at you! Hugs!

Maybe I need to clarify: we've both been married before and our kids are grown.

Clarify a little more. Are you planning to get married to each other?

So are you pretending that she's not there so she has to be out of your sight and "disappeared" by 5:30? You sound self centered and selfish to me. What great sacrifices are you making? Why not just move out and see if you prefer being on your own? Maybe he can come visit you so you don't feel like you are being listened or someone is making faces at you. Really.

I have the usual questions running through my mind. Whose house is it and when do you plan to marry? Does your fiance want his mother there long term? If her only problem is incontinence, I wonder why the decision was made to move her in. If your future MIL is going to be there long term, can you find a way to get behind your fiance to make it easier on both of you? Would it be possible to share your lives? I don't see how this can continue to work if she can't be part of the family. I hope you are able to build a better relationship with your future MIL, either living in the same house or separately. Good luck.

Well, I can say I am in a very similar situation...except I am 20 years older! FIL moved in with us 4 years ago after have one of many arguments with his 90 yo girlfriend. We had just a few months before moved into OUR new home and gotten the last kid out of the nest. No doubt my guy felt that he wanted to help out his dad and really how long would he be around anyway?? Well he is 88 on Saturday and now developing mild/moderate dementia, drives me up a wall...and we are all retired and home all the time, GAH! This is NOT how I wanted to spend my retirement. The caregiving , like most things when married IS a team effort and if you and he are not in agreement and willing to work that out BEFORE marriage, do not do it! You have every right to expect peace and quiet and a pleasant home life if that is what is most important to you. HOWEVER, he has the right to take care of his mother and the two of you have to get on the same page with that. Any chance he would allow her to go to AL? Any chance you would be able to make peace with the situation or could you move to another house with a mother in law suite? Please iron this stuff out before you say I do! Otherwise nothing good can come of it. The stress alone will do you in. We are looking at a move again and we have had to set some very firm boundaries and there are still issues. Not for the faint of heart.

Whoa. I was expecting more supportive responses..not to be called self-centered for wanting private time after not seeing my fiancee all day. Anyway, yes someday we plan to get married. This is her house, although he and I own our own separate homes hours away. We are in her hometown to take care of her. We DO share our space all weekend long. It's not like I want her locked in a closet. Why is her room any different than being at a nursing home?

Well at the moment it sounds like everybody is getting the worst of all worlds. Your fiancé probably feels that his mother is made to feel like a stranger in his home, your MIL - widowed five months, which is really not long on the scale of things - no doubt feels like a leper, and you feel uncomfortable and, indeed, as you say, intruded on. This situation sucks for all concerned.

All three of you need to think again. Ideally do it together, and be generous to one another.

Woah! I posted too early to have read the follow-up.

This is HER house? This is HER house??? I am slack-jawed. How dare you require her to be back upstairs in her bedroom before you get in?

How dare you.

Don't you think you'd better leave?

And as for this opening (I thought I must have misremembered): "My future MIL moved in 5 months ago when her husband passed away."

How dare you. Get out.

Well that fill in some spaces. So the two of you , wanting to be on the same page (very good) decided to move hours away from your homes to take care of MIL...in her home. Are the homes that you and your fiancé own near one another? Any chance of moving back and having her at one and the two of you at the other? If she was in a NH yes she would have her own room, but the do not let the residents just sit on that little room all day. The come out into public areas for most of the day, meals and activities. Really unless terribly ill, only in the room for sleep times. Does she need the intensive care a NH offers or just some little help that assisted living (AL) offers, or can she function on her own with just a bit of help? Lots to look at there...

If you're asking your fiance' to take mom upstairs for an hour (or even two) when you get home, then I think he's being unreasonable not to acquiesce. If you're saying you want her to spend the rest of the evening upstairs in her room, then I think you're being unreasonable. I can't tell which it is that's happening from your post.

My mom lives with us. Tom and I have been together for 14 years; will never marry. Believe me. If he told me he wanted mom to spend the evening in her room? We'd have a HUGE problem. Of course, he would never do that. We're a threesome. It has its challenges, but mom isn't a second-class citizen here. She's family.

Now that I've looked up a bit and read further information, you should move out of the house if you're not happy. I'm rather surprised your fiance' doesn't suggest it himself. (No offense; but you come off rather selfish.)

EZ Countrymouse. Haha! ;)

She was not living in this house!! We spent months cleaning out this hoarded old home, installing running water & plumbing so we could be near her and her husband. We did all their shopping etc. I guess this is way too complicated to get proper feedback. Thank you for your time everyone. I won't be back to a site in which everyone can be so quick to judge... Not nice.

Hon, you asked a couple questions - are you being reasonable and "am I being selfish" so please don't get your knickers in a knot because someone answered you.

I'm a bit confused - you said she moved in 5 months ago, but later write "this is her house, although he and I own our own separate homes hours away." If she's in her own home, then I'm not sure how one can ask her to stay in her bedroom after 5:30. Honestly, my mom lived with us and I too was exhausted from work and dealing with Mom, and I still couldn't have asked her to retire to her room at 5:30.

Sounds like time for you and your fiance to go to dinner and discuss the hard questions about what you both see for your future together.

Whoa...just read the followups. Quick to judge, I think not. You asked for people's opinions, based on their experience, and the feedback was no, it's not reasonable (nor very kind) to expect this lady to be banished to her room so you have the evening with your fiance. You made a conscious choice to move in with her, knowing that you were sharing your living space with this lady. Don't shoot the messengers because they're not telling you what you want to here.

1. You don't have reasonable expectations about what to expect on a caregiving support forum.
2. Your expectations at home are reasonable if the other people involved in them see them as reasonable. If they don't, you need to work out a compromise to share expectations, or agree to go your separate ways.
3. If you find another forum to seek feedback, I suggest you explain the entire situation in your first post. For example, where did MIL live 6 months ago?

A widow of five months is fragile emotionally. If you are not prepared to deal with that, it really isn't appropriate for you to be living in her house and making rules for her, no matter how good your intentions.

Sacrificing; When I met my (now) husband (second marriage for us both; his only and my youngest child were both headed off to college) we discussed the "mother" issue. We live in a relatively small 2 bedroom apt in Brooklyn NY; I met his mom and understood immediately that if she were ever to move in with us, it would be the end of my sanity, our marriage and all else. My mom, while sane and generally uncomplaining (before she developed dementia), is not my favorite person to be around. so we agreed, going into the marriage that our moms would not move in. No matter what. That our adult children could stay from time to time, even for a summer, say, but not permanently, without renegotiation and discussion.

I can completely understand wanted to come home to a peaceful abode and having some quiet time; how about you and finance retire to YOUR bedroom and have some down time for an hour or so? I guess my point is that these are the kinds of things that one discusses before they come to pass when you have older parents and grown kids. You need to go out to dinner, or sit with a mediator, and discuss.

Is incontinence her only issue? Why is that and is there a solution to that? Just throwing out some ideas. PS, just got back from Lubec, so yes, I know where Calais is and just how far your homes might be from where you are now!

Countrymouse, I had the same reaction. Sacrificing, I don't even know why you are there. Just go home and let your boyfriend visit you. Probably everyone would be more peaceful if you did. Not everyone is cut out to care for other people.

You are in a predictament dear one. Hang on tight, you are in a long rough ride...
Mourning is a long time, no timelimit on this one. 5 months, she is still going through the acceptance of her lost one.... don't fight it.. It an take a very long time. Get through this first....

While you are figuring out this mourning period, you are going to experience their mourning moods. Her husband, her son's Father just passed..........!!!!!!!!!!!

Give them both time....TIME TIME TIME....

Give it at least a year.......if you can...Gentle, this is a tough one....Yes, his Mom needs comfort and attention too. Try getting her in adult day carfe, volunteer, social society... something to keep her busy during the day....

You cannot throw compassion, marriage under the rug... Don't, you can lose your son if you do. If you do love her son, you get the whole package... :) Make the best of the situation for now, and move slowly. Loss takes time. You MIL needs time. Best Wishes

Yes im sorry i didnt realise it was "HER" house so i think youve got a cheek asking her to be upstairs in her own home?????? Wow that changes everything! also comparing her bedroom being no worse than a NH room i think youve alot to learn about life and are sounding like a spoilt brat hope her son gets to see this before its too late!

This is a situation that should have been talked out long before the move was made to live with MIL. Hashing out all the good, bad and indifferent along with each person's expectation of the situation. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart and quite frankly it is not for everyone. That isn't a bad thing; it is just wise to know yourself first before committing to such a responsibility and lifestyle change.

At this point, I would suggest open, honest, counseling for everyone.
Good luck!

Whoa.............get out fast!! Don't make this the story of your life!! There are better things ahead..........don't settle for this!!

A bad situation...I feel for you...It might be easier to ask your fiancé to take just you out for dinner three nights a week and then maybe to a movie one of those three nights...could just be fast food place if $$ is a pinch...also, could just spend time alone after eating even if just walking around the mall...I would think she should not be expected to be in her own room at 5...On the other hand, maybe you and your fiancé could get a tv in your bedroom and by, say, 7 pm, retire for the evening to watch TV, read, etc....

In the larger sense, I have seen this "movie" before and it has a bad ending...
You may want to consider pulling out..

Only saying.
Bob

Do not take that stroll done the isle. Run.

I hope he is not just using you to help look after his mother. The only thing I would add is that maybe you can get one of those modular mother in law suites that can be put in the backyard? Personally I think wanting someone to retire to their room at 5:30 is not very realistic.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen--and it is certainly no way to enter into a marriage. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the only future I see for your relationship is to go from bad to worse. Is that what you want?

Please, people be nice. Some folks are just not up to care taking. You find out when you get there, which is what has happened for S48. Now she knows, but does not have answers.

I think it is important S48, to remember that this is your fiancee's Mother's home. You are her guest. You may need to find your private time in the yard, or in your room. She probably goes to bed early, and your together time would be then.

IF everyone ends up staying in Mom's home, consider putting a bath with roll in access shower downstairs. Then you and son take upstairs. She will eventually have too much trouble with the stairs.

Keep in mind that to some degree, how he treats his mother might be how he will treat you, and how you treat his mother is how you might feel about caring for him. IF you are not able to manage this, and many people are not able, it is important to not pretend to do so. Go back to your house, work with a counselor to figure out what you and your fiancee do next.

Also very important in this is that Mom is grieving the loss of her husband, best friend. This is many times more difficult than the loss of your together time you feel right now. Your fiancee has suffered the loss of his father, and seeing his mother in extreme emotional pain. Many spouses are so filled with grief that they die shortly after the loss of their partner. Your fiancee has this to consider also.

All of these things mean setting aside your own needs for a time, as will future crisis when you are married. If this is not what you signed on for, work out an exit that will not devastate your fiancee. I think being married and resenting your spouse, either one of you, would be hellish.

You are fortunate you do have a home to go back to. You might do this as a breather while you think about your needs, feelings, and capabilities. The only wrong thing in that situation would be to not be your true self.

I am sorry, but this really gets me. Did you send your kids to bed at 530 so you could spend time with your hubs? I bet not!! When you agree to live with someone, in your house or theirs.. you agree to LIVE WITH them, not send them away when they are not convient. If you and fiancee both own homes, could you sell them and buy a bigger house with an in law apt? Or do you just want her gone? You need to think this through, it may be a long time situation.

I would ask how much help does she need? Perhaps you and your fiance need to step back after you feel she is emotionally stable. Maybe Home Health Care could be an option, or living in an Assisted Living facility where she could have 24 nurses on call, and still have the freedom to get out of her apartment and develope friendships. I work in subsidized housing for seniors where they have a choice of having some or no services. The rent is based on 30% of a tenant's adjusted gross income. We have a wonderful Life Enrichment program, along with many other amenities. Look for a place where she can still be independent and you both can be a part of her life where no one is resentful. Good luck.

Your fiance sounds like a caring, loving and responsible son. His mother is blessed to have him. I hope he continues to care for her. Someday, he will be very glad he did.

You asked if you have "reasonable expectations." In a word, no. Caregiving requires great compassion, a certain amount of selflessness and an enormous capacity for sacrifice. I pray that if you ever find yourself in your "future MIL's" situation, you will not be treated like an unwelcome intruder in your own home.

Please try to put yourself in her position, and think of how it must feel.