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I am the surviving sister in my family (there were two, now one). I have longstanding issues with my sister's surviving spouse. 1) He wouldn't allow me to visit her in the months/weeks/days before her death; 2) He allowed me no say in her funeral planning, and; 3) He won't allow me any access to her belongings (clothing, accessories, correspondences... nothing at all). She died a year and a half ago, at the age of 60, from FTD. It's a horrifying, heartbreaking disease. Needless to say, I am not over it. I'm angry (furious) with my BIL, with whom I have no communication, and devastated over her death and my being barred from her both before and after her death. My only consolation is that due to her dementia and total physical degeneration, I know that she did not suffer from my absence (as she would if she had cancer, for example). I'm her older sister by 3 years. We were truly best friends, and her husband's actions toward me are unspeakably cruel, heartless, vengeful, and mean. That's my story. Do I have any rights (if any) to access her remaining belongings?And, do I have any legal recourse in protest to his decisions after her death? For example, he cremated her immediately, without consulting anyone in her family. I know this would not have been her choice. Thanks for any advice.

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You are still grieving, but also appear to be stuck in anger.

If my brother predeceases me, I would offer my help to my sister in law, but would not expect to have any say in his funeral planning. I would not expect any of his possessions, I cannot comprehend any circumstance where a sibling would expect anything.

Unless a person has preplanned their funeral and paid for it, it is up to the remaining family ( spouse/children) to make a bunch of tough decisions in a short period of time. With the funds they have available to them.

You paint your brother in law as a monster, perhaps he is. But your demands to have been included in funeral planning, going through her possessions are unreasonable too.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
So you say. Thanks. But think twice about accusing me of making unreasonable demands or exerting any "right" to her possessions. I offered to help. My offer was ignored, as though I did not exist or have any significance in her life. If I were as irrelevant as you seem to think, I would not have taken responsibility (financially) for her care in the last six months of her life -- with no say in how that care was delivered. I had to reluctantly accept that I could not affect any changes, or get any information, without his permission. He took full advantage of the fact that she was 100% compromised and completely helpless. I think he enjoyed it because it garnered him oceans of sympathy and endless "love" from his followers and local persons they both knew. It also gave him free hand to offend and hurt me, which he tried to do at every opportunity in the 40 years they were together (amounting to about six years together and 33 years apart, since he was gone a minimum of 10 months a year). She would be horrified and disgusted. For who do you think she talked to when he was gone? That's right. Me.
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I'm not understanding why you feel the need for any of her possessions. She's gone... her husband has every right to do with her possessions what he wants. He's probably disposed of them by now after nearly 2 years and you are still grumbling about it. I don't know if she had children. If so, they have more of a right to their mothers things than you do. Certainly you must have pictures that you can look back and reflect on.
This, quite frankly is none of your business. If you were not able to visit with her, what makes you think she didn't change her mind about her remains? Perhaps it was too expensive for them? Perhaps husband done the best he could.
You need to let this go.... You sound like my aunt, who upon my mom's death made a big stink that she needed some of mom's possessions. She felt she was immediate family. She's not. Her husband and kids are. I offered a pearl necklace and earrings and a photo of mom from my inheritance as a good jestor. She turned it down flat. That wasn't good enough. She wanted moms antique rocker. That was my brother's and he refused to give it up. So, she got nothing.... what she legally was entitled to in the first place. She got an attorney. Just because she died without a will still doesn't entitle you to any of her possessions. Her kids were so embarrassed for what their mother was trying to pull. . I guess memories weren't good enough. To this day she refuses to talk to us when we all get together. Guess she still feels entitled to things that were never hers in the first place.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
Note to Flowerhouse1952: No need to insult me. I am not your aunt or anything like her. Thanks.
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I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you comfort, peace and resolution for this new season in your life.

She was so young and that makes it harder to process, IMO.

Have you had any grief counseling to help you move forward? You should seek out grief groups if you haven't.

I want to say that caregiving for a loved one with dementia is one of the hardest things to do. I am not excusing your BIL for his actions but, he may have had very valid reasons for not letting you visit. When a dementia patient gets agitated from visitors, not saying this was the case but, could have been, it is easier on them and their caregivers to stop the visits. Routine and environmental stability is so vital for their well-being.

Whatever you think of him, remember that your sister chose him and stayed with him, he stayed with her and was her caregiver during a very difficult disease. In my book, that counts for a tremendous amount. I would forgive him and let it go for that reason alone.

I truly hope you can let go and move forward with your life and happier memories of your sister.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
Thanks for your kindness, and for all of your suggestions. Yes, it's especially hard that she was so young. Yes, she did choose him. There is a lot more to this story (as always), which I won't go into. Yes, caring for someone with dementia is extremely demanding and exhausting. I know because I did most of her care when she was first diagnosed, three years before she died. I took her to the emergency room, stayed with her, communicated with the family, visited her nearly every day for the three weeks she was in ICU, and for the next five that she was hospitalized. I arranged for her nursing rehab, she stayed at my house a week after discharge until her husband finally came to bring her home. He was absent for 95% of the time, and I was the go-to for her care. After dad died six months before she did, I arranged and paid out of my own pocket for at-home, round-the-clock care for her, per his wishes, until I had access to trust money after four months. I visited her as often as I could on weekends. I lost my new job after a year, due to the time I spent with her and for the emotional toll that took. Her husband was useless, obstructionist, and hostile (unless he needed me to do something). The pandemic was the only reason he stayed home. He had to! But still, he did nothing; paid for nothing (not even her diapers). I tried to change her caregivers to a more professional and communicative agency. In protest, he left her in a bed full of feces (hers and her dog's) until the new person showed up at noon, and, when faced with such scene, promptly left. His response? "Is that all it took?" No one asked why he left her there like that all morning. And on and on.... It was a nightmare dealing with him. He did nothing but whine and complain.
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Sorry for your loss, but you'd do better to get grief counseling. Legal recourse doesn't do much for helping anyone heal unless you want to be drained of your bank account.

You're confusing grief with anger. You're angry with BIL, and you should get therapy to learn to let that go. It tears you up, doesn't faze him, and it besmirches your sister's memory.

I can also tell you that a year after death, no one's clothes still smell like them.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
A helpful, straight-talking answer. Thanks, MJ1929. Is it wrong for me to giggle at your last sentence? I don't think so. ;) I never thought of it that way, though. Thanks again!
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I'm sorry to learn of the loss of your sister, and especially since her husband is apparently so disagreeable and uncooperative.

Your profile indicates that your sister died over a year ago. It's possible her husband has already disposed of her assets.

However, since you're in Massachusetts and she died intestate (w/o a will), the MA laws govern who gets her assets.

Research "Massachusetts intestacy laws" to determine what rights you might have. If there are substantial assets, you probably would have to get an attorney involved (if one would take this kind of case) to get what might belong to you.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
Thank you, GardenArtist, for your compassionate reply. There are no substantial assets. I just miss her, that's all.
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I'm sorry you could not see your sister before her death- I understand how upsetting that is. However, as next of kin he is the decision maker within the law. You do not have any rights to anything unless there is a legal will (drawn up before dementia) outlining her wishes. Otherwise you will need a lawyer to advise you on contesting in probate.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
I understand that I have no legal right to any of her possessions, unless she had a will that she wrote prior to her dementia. What I don't know is whether she had a will. And I don't know how to find out. Probably check the probate court in her county. Fwiw, she never had children and her parents are dead. My brother and I are the only surviving members of her family-of-origin. I know she's gone. I would just love to smell her clothing once more. I have no desire to acquire her "assets."
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A quick online search reveals the following from https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/interstate-succession-massachusetts.html

"In Massachusetts, if you are married and you die without a will, what your spouse gets depends on whether or not you have living parents or descendants – children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. If you don't, then your spouse inherits all of your intestate property.."

It seems that the only way you can get your hands on your sister's assets is that your/her parents get a share of those assets.

Also, here's more limitations on which assets can be transferred.

"Only assets that would have passed through your will are affected by intestate succession laws. Usually, that includes only assets that you own alone, in your own name."
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I always wonder what's happened to a person like your BIL to make them THAT mean & miserable to prevent a sister from seeing her own SISTER before she passes away? Prevents her from having a few mementos of clothing or items to remember her by after she's gone? And then sends her the BILL for the cremation? Disgusting, really, is all you can say, along with cruel, heartless and vengeful. I don't blame you for being angry, not one tiny bit.

That said, I don't think you have any legal recourse now, 18 months later, against this man. Not to mention, he's probably disposed of all of your sister's belongings anyway by now.

What he cannot do, however, is get rid of YOUR memories of her. Those you will have forever because they reside in your heart. Remember her as she was before the FTD took hold of her. Because that's how she is now, at perfect peace and whole once more.

My deepest condolences over your loss. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
I love your answer. Thank you so much for understanding instead of wagging your finger and shaming me! Your 3rd paragraph is golden. I'm going to print out the *nice* comments under this thread and tape them to my office wall to remind me how to live with this grief without hurting myself even more. Thanks!
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Amshanahan, check the Massachusetts intestate laws:

Intestate Succession in Massachusetts | Nolo

They provide information on the succession rights of family when someone dies intestate (without a will).
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Your BIL was in charge as her next of kin. You had no right to input into her funeral and unless she left a will with you as an inheritor you have no right to accessher belongings. He also controlled access to her visitors.
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amshanahan Jul 2022
Becky04489, please see my reply to AlvaDeer above. Thanks.
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