My Mom has been living with me for two years, I mentioned she has dementia not the good kind. What can I do for her foul language?

You cannot change her, ignore her. Wear headphones, listen to podcasts or music.

You ignore tantrums. Deprive her of an audience.

You can try to redirect her. She does not have control over her actions. Please do not ignore her, instead if she is upset validate what she is feeling and try to redirect her behavior to something else. She needs to be followed by a neurologist and or a psychiatrist that specializes in older adult dementia. Your mother is not acting this way intentionally, this is common in dementia.

Warning!!!! my answer Could Be Hazardous to Your Mood.. It is advised that if you are Humor Challenged discontinue reading this post immediately.

Given the her damaged mind, have you glued the lips shut.
Maybe you could find a "Cone-of-silence" to place around her.

One caregiver wrote " I have to go out to my car, sit in it and scream"

My mother's dementia left her with no filter. She was horrible to the staff at her NH sometimes. I addressed it with humor (I would giggle and whisper that she should not say such things out loud). Then I would quickly redirect. Easier said than done I know, but humor is the key!

believe me you and I sound in the same boat, going round and round, but I finally had all I could take and put mom in a dementia care facility...the meds they are giving her have truly calmed her down ....but I can only visit occasionally because she still can be very hurtful towards me and mom was the same way growing up...they say it is the disease but she did the same foul language then and always gonna hit someone...with her fist...I even lived thru fights with my dad with loaded guns..she shot between mine and his feet...so now she has nothing to fight with which was what I was afraid of because she kept hammers, picks, baseball bats everywhere, to protect herself...maybe you should check into one

For what it is worth, the fact that she has always been verbally abusive and used foul language, makes me think that she might very well not change in any positive direction. I believeI would make certain that her real NEEDS are met, and then protect yourself. Mothers can damage their children in ways that no one else can simply by what and how they verbally communicate. I would definitely discuss this with her doctor to see if there is something that can help her behave in a less abusive manner. This could be very helpful for her well being.

My mother is 81 and has always said hurtful things to me. When I was young it seriously damaged my confidence and it was a way to control me. Now I am 55 and she says extremely hurtful things like I only bring trouble into the family. She said "you think you are so perfect but you aren't" When I asked her to try to understand that I am going through a difficult time in my life, she just said I don't care! I know a lot of this is due to dementia but I won't take this abuse.

Understand I am completely sympathetic, as I have seen this sort of behavior in those with dementia before. The question I have - why do so many children feel the need to care for their parent, in this condition, at home? When my mother got to the place where she could no longer live alone ( even with our help) she went to an assisted living facility. Later, after falling and breaking bones,etc., she was moved to skilled nursing. I visited her frequently, took her to lunch and even had lunch with her at the facility and joined her for their parties. My husband and I had just retired and wanted to travel some. I am very glad we did that, for NOW my husband has dementia and we're unable to do much at all and I AM confined. Providing proper care for a parent does not necessarily mean "neglect" as many seem to believe. Just my thoughts, of course.

My mother is 90 and does not have a filter anymore. There is a big difference between foul language and attacking me. My mother grew up with very strict parents so when she talks foul it actually makes me laugh. I can not repeat on here what she said at her 90th birthday party but I can say that people were laughing so hard they were falling on the floor laughing and I did not feel a bit embarrassed because tears of laughter were coming out of my eyes.. I don't think she knows how funny she is with her foul language. I guess it is funny coming from someone that did not even say the word 'darn'. My mother also has a mean mouth and I can't tolerate that and I will say to her 'mom we only have a short time together do you really want to spend that little bit of time harming me? and she usually thinks about it and says no. It has taken many years and years of therapy for me to be able to handle her abuse but for some reason I have said the right things and it is working. I wish I did not have to remind her at each and every visit to be nice but I do and that part is working too. Lord give us all strength.

It is so very difficult to be the caregiver to a loved one who not only does not appreciate your giving but actually demeans you for it. I understand as I have dealt with it with my husband, much of it is the dementia, their frustration with being dependent on you and a lot of it is just their sour personality. Since demeaning you has always been her "way" - don't expect it to get better, dementia makes everything worse. In dealing with my husband when he gets nasty, I leave - I ask him if there is anything he needs (changing, food, tv on etc.) and once I have him taken care of, I calmly tell him his cussing and being nasty to me is uncalled for and hurtful to me so I need a break and I go outside or to another room or run an errand - making sure to leave for 10 minutes or more. This is not the reaction he wants and most of the time after my break he is fine, sometimes it takes a couple of breaks to get it across to him that I am not going to listen or react to the nastiness and it does stop - till the next time.

what type of medication do you use for extreme agiation, combative behavior and cursing. never in a million years would my husband ever have done this. been battling dementia since 2006 and until he was in hospital last month never had those issues

Did you answer your own question when you described her "forever bad attitude"? However, you might want to have her evaluated for medications which perhaps she's needed for a long time. Keep trying until you find one that fits and makes life worth living for both of you. Blessings for a positive outcome.

I understand all of you. My Mom has been with me a few yrs. & in the past 6 mths it seems she has episodes of confusion & being hateful, having small fits. She isn't very old, 60 which I'm thinking it could be from her illnesses too. When she was younger her persona was tough & rough-having grand kids made her soft. I see the bad part of her personality come out when she has episodes though. She said she had 2 daughters & 1 of us was taking care of her. She's went as far as saying if she doesn't get her way she will just p*$$ right in the floor(bad word for urinate). I have my plate full at times. I just make sure she has what she needs & ignore her till she goes back to normal.

I'm sorry she treated you so badly when you were a child. However, having dementia doesn't change who you WERE, and you will have to put up with the foul language until she no longer is able to speak. You are doing great coping skills, so just hang in there like the rest of us. Is there any kind of good dementia?

Campy, I am going thru living hell right now with my 72 year old husband with Lewy Body dementia. So many horror stories I could tell you but that would take all day. I can not imagine going through it twice with a parent and a husband. Life is so not fair. We were supposed to be using our retirement money, that we worked so hard for all of our lives, on traveling and enjoying life...now we are spending it all on health care. My heart goes out to you and all of you going through the same h*ll.

Please watch this lady on you tube. She helped me so much with my mom! Her name is Teepa Snow.

Teepa says that when Mom got agitated that was because she was uncomfortable and couldnt express what was hurting.So I just went down the line (just as I would a new baby) wet? hungry? tired? cold?something poking her? constipated? you get the picture. anyway with Mom it was the cold bathroom seat on her bad hip. + solution was a warm towel on her lap and she quit cussing and swinging at me! whoo hoo!

The frontal lobe of the brain deteriorates with dementia/Alzheimers. The frontal lobe is what monitors/filters/controls one's impulsive "behaviors", including language. If that filter is gone or diminished, things will fly out of peoples' mouths that can be vulgar, rude, etc. Some may or may not have been vulgar and rude in the past when they COULD have controlled it. Now....the ability to control it is minimal or gone. I think daughter0f4 has some good thoughts about handling this.

From what you say, your mother has always been abusive. I agree that for some people, simply being 'foul mouthed' can be sort of funny. Not the same as abusive always. As daughterof4 says. My own mother has always been abusive verbally and emotionally to me. My dysfunctional siblings and dad make a lot of excuses for her at times (they live nearby and I moved away a long time ago because I was the object of her abuse all my life) but what she does is not markedly different than it ever was. I purposely do not put myself into the role of being ever her primary caregiver, but if I had to be, I would set consequences with her just as I did when my petulant teenagers were growing up. There is no reason to put oneself in the line of fire. You can care for you parent but not serve yourself up. Particularly when they are nasty; there aren't a lot of takers for that treatment who aren't related to them.

Marley how long was your husband in the hospital as if it was any more then a couple of days the hospital stops all the meds they were on & it's not pretty to see the deteriorating condition of ones husband. Mine still has bad episodes during sleep due to this happening to him. He is on low dose anti phycoticS to help up through the day, seroquel & lexapro. At night seroquel & 100 mg Trazadpne. He sleeps 10-12 hrs. Photo I am so glad to see you posting I was worried. Do you have your husband back at home! And Sild, follow the advice already given make sure all is ok then walk out of the room, it works for me with my husband also.

The frontal lobe is not affected in all cases of dementia. My husband's hippocampus is affected, not his frontal lobe. Each patient's brain damage is unique to that individual and one cannot generalize affected parts of the brain.

ferris1, to answer your question ("is there any good dementia?")... yes.

Look up the phenomenon know as "pleasant dementia". (I first read an article about it in Newsweek, in 2008.) Relatively uncommon, unfortunately. Very interesting.

Is there any way to protect ourselves from becoming like that in the future?

Mary, the mother of a friend of mine must have had what you call "pleasant dementia." She smiled a lot and was nice to everyone, even when she didn't have a clue about what was going on around her. As she gradually lost cognizance of all family and friends, she would just greet everyone politely as if they were complete strangers (which they were to her!) but never surly, contrary or abusive.

That sounds lovely, dejavuagain! (Like a fantasy to most of us.)

The really interesting thing about the woman in the article was that prior to getting dementia she was apparently a very wretched person, so in her case the change was the reverse of what some experience. (While many elders just seem to lose filters and their unpleasantness becomes exaggerated and takes over, I believe there are even folks who were never anything but kind, sweet, and gentle who become nasty and abusive.)

Sadly, nasty seems to be the norm - or at least prevalent. Makes me think about how wretched I will be if I live that long. (Big IF! Might not have to worry about it if this gig kills me...)

She may be afraid of her loss of control over her life and faculties. People lash out when they are afraid, its part of that fight or flight response. Since she cannot run from her condition, she may have chosen to fight. People are quick to say that is just how it is and the adult child caregiver gets the brunt of the aggression and is widely accepted. This doesn't make it hurt any less and I wish people could have a little more compassion toward our plight but chances are they will not. I have been my mother's whipping post for 16 years, even before the diagnosis of Dementia.
If your mother was kind and loving before but not now then you could blame the disease and understand it is not her. Unfortunately you have said your mother was cold your entire life. I pray she will in the end become the mother you have always wanted but never had. I understand they often do for whatever reason. My mother has been sweet to me for the last two months and I suspect we are getting close to her end. Only God knows, I certainly don't understand it but gave up trying to long ago. I wish you peace and reconciliation with her.

Mary4th, I still do not agree there is any dementia that could be considered good, pleasant or anything but the most horrible disease on this planet including ebola. With that virus one dies quickly.

EBOLA, my goodness, that's one heck of a trade off! For me I am following a group that is pushing the Right to Die issue in my state. Before you get to that really crummy part of any disease you pick your date & take a pill! Now I know Ferris will have a comeback for that, and it is that Alzheimers patients cannot (at present) put in for this pleasant sleep method because you have to be of sound mind to request it. Oregon, Vermont & Washington are now working on adding a special option for those with Alzheimer's. DeathwithDignity.org

"What can I do about...." Make sure you're not trying to change her, which is pointless! Change the story you tell yourself about what is happening. A crazy person on the street doesn't bother you, right? Because you don't take it in. Same deal here.