How do I go about finding the right place to care for my dad or how do I go about determining if it is best for him to live with me? I am in the early research stages. Any guidance is welcome.
I could never do in home care. I was an RN and I assure you I know my limitations. I could never do in home 24/7 care. If you are on Forum I encourage you to read the threads. Many here are in the throes of a near complete mental and physical breakdown for trying. Some come here for help mourning when we have seen them give stellar care for years, but who now kick themselves for the few times they said something harsh, for the few times they broke down. I am only telling you the bad side, but I need to know you have considered it. If you still have children at home I encourage you not to do this under any circumstances. If you do not I encourage you to consider that you are truly sacrificing your entire life. I would never allow my children to care for me and they know that with certainty. I am 80. why now, when my daughter is 60, approaching retirement after raising and educating her OWN son, should she have to sacrifice some of the best years of her life, time she can travel, be retired and free, to the end of my life. Parents must care for the children they choose to bear. But the children then must fly the nest and their obligation is to care for their own next generation, not for their parents. My thinking is not the thinking of other times and other places, just the opinion of one old woman. But I encourage you to read and read and read on the forum. To know there is no upside coming , and that the path is downwards, inevitably and steadily. I am so sorry to be a Debbie Downer. But it is just my warning for your consideration. All my dire warnings may come to nothing for you, and you may be overall very happy. In any case and whatever your decision I wish only the very best for you. I loved being a nurse. Great salary. Worked 3 days a week. 5 weeks vacation. If one patient was truly difficult we could share him or her around. That's not real life for any caregiver. My best to you.
Thanks for the truth. Then do you have a favored choice for a person who needs care but has choice other than out of the home. Just your ideas. I have been reading and reading, and it's not easy, as you well know. Thanks for your forthrightness! Adele Bell
Don't consider your home as a viable option. Last resort, but before you get there there are many other options.
A good starting point is the Area Agency on Aging. They are a wealth of information, free information, that will do an assessment of your father to give you a good starting point of his needs. They have nothing to gain from recommendations they may give you. AAA is funded by grants and an absolute wealth of knowledge and the resources available.
My Mom was very easy considered to a lot of parents mentioned on this forum. Me, Dementia was too unpredictable. I work better when everything has an order. I cannot do chaos. Caring for Mom was like caring for a toddler. She was an avid reader. Couldn't read anymore. Never played games, cards or did puzzles. With Dementia there was no teaching her and I did not enjoy these things either. She sat and watch TV all day which she never did before. My house was not set up for her needs. I havev3 flights of stairs. Daycare made things a little better. I went to an AL to ask about respite care and found they were having a 50% sale off of room and board. Grabbed at that. Best decision I ever made. She had more freedom to walk around, socialization and activities. The staff loved her.
I never took Mom in thinking she would live with me the rest of her life. My parents never made me feel I was to be their caregiver. I did it for 20 months and cannot imagine how some people do this even longer with parents who are not easy. A lot different taking care of a baby then an adult.
This poster isn't new -- she posted a similar post in April. What's changed since then?
From your profile: "Hi my parents live separately but are in their 80s. My siblings and check in on them and provide assistance as needed. I would like to educate myself so that I can be better prepared to care for them as they continue to age."
I'm sure your siblings love that you are considering moving your father in with you. What about your mother? What happens when she needs help?
I think you already know what most on this site write when someone asks if there parent should move in with them.
"I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another."
From your other posts, sounds like you are still intending to at least move your father in with you.
I contacted A Place for Mom. It became a nightmare. The representative with whom I spoke, Elise, was in a totally different city (Boise) and had no understanding of the facilities in my area (Palm Desert). She fed me a bunch of BS about how she would be a conduit between me and different facilities I may be interested in for my mom for assisted living or memory care, acquiring and disseminating information, setting up appointments for tours, etc. She didn't do anything. All she did was give all of the nearby facilities my phone number, and their representatives bombarded me with daily phone calls. Had I placed my mother, APFM would have received kickbacks for that placement. It's a scam. They're not there to help you and be a "conduit". They're there to make money. This is a good forum though. I think that of the roles that APFM plays, this is a good, helpful one. Aging Care is honest and decent. But with regard to the other situation, it was impossible to get my information removed from their database.
So, if, in the future, I do place my mom in one of the facilities that received my information from APFM, it is still likely that the company will get a percentage of that monthly fee. Who knows.
Even Hospice itself has descended into the Military Industrial for profit complex. It used to be a mission. Now it is three baths a week, one RN visit and the ability to reach out to a social worker who often doesn't know as much as the patients themselves, and to clergy. For this medicare pays an absolute mind. There are often kickbacks with equipment providers and so on. This all falls under "The American Way". You provide information for others. But yes, this is what it is about and the best way to get rid of those who call and call is to say your loved one is one medicaid. You won't hear from them again. Sad, but it is what we have to negotiate the best way we can.
You don’t give us much information, but be assured that having him live with you will upend your life as you know it. It’s not as simple as moving him in and living happily ever after, everybody smiling and happy with beautiful music playing in the background. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest things anyone ever does. Read lots of posts on here. Research places where he could get care. Then make your decision.
Honestly, I used APlaceforMom.com to assist with my search for care for my mother, and they found the perfect place for her. Yes, your phone will start ringing off the hook once they put your information out there to marketing departments at nursing facilities, but be open-minded and tour those places. Those that don't interest you (even if you don't tour them), just tell them to take you off their marketing list, and they'll immediately stop calling and emailing you. (There's no reason for them to waste their time trying to sell you something you don't want.)
I found them to be extremely helpful. Some here poo-pooh APFM because they get paid by the nursing homes, but who cares? It's your job to vet these places, and if APFM succeeds in finding a good match for you and your dad, why shouldn't they get paid?
I wish I'd used them for my mother's first nursing home. Instead, I put her in a home where my dad had been on the board of trustees, and while it was kind of them to take her in on short notice, I also didn't know she was in the wrong kind of care. She had a miserable time in that place and my husband told me that if we didn't get her out of there, she'd die, and he was right. Thank goodness for APFM, because they asked me important questions I hadn't thought to ask, and they only sent me to three places. One was perfect, and I could never have found it myself.
“Deciding best care for my dad” is IMPORTANT, because he is someone who in his younger, more productive life, was your caregiver, your provider, your “safe haven” in times of youthful stress and trouble.
When YOU assume the role of caregiver, it is often as the result of seeing a slow but relentless process of loss, physically, cognitively, emotionally.
Your father may have sacrificed his own personal enthusiasms and interests to offer what he considered “the best” for you as you grew from childhood to adulthood.
Consciously or unconsciously, he may have considered his sacrifices “deferred” and expected that as you became an independent adult, he would have the opportunity to resume a lifestyle that would offer him a second shot.
Tragically for those of us who are in geriatric care, the difference is that once cognitive/physical/social/mental/psychological abilities start to fail, the silver lining of “children grow up and take care of themselves” declines to becoming impossible.
“I LOVE MY DAD SO MUCH, THAT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR ME WHEN I’M TAKING CARE OF HIM”.
To avoid resentments that ruin your relationship and precious memories, ask for help wherever it is available and don't give up.
No need to martyr yourself, you can show love and respect without living in the sad reality of mental deterioration. Start writing a pro and con list and visit assisted living facilities in your location so that you are educated about the subject and always know that you have choices.
Make an appointment with a Elder Law Attorney who can asses his ability pay for care if that is the direction you go now or later. While you're there, start planning your own last chapter so that those you love won't be faced with the same dilemma your dad is in.
There are many factors in placing your dad starting with asking him what he wants, what does he own (house, car, boat and ???) and his willingness to visit senior living in your community. We can't always make other people happy, but it helps to understand what he likes and will cooperate with.
While you figure out the next move, make sure you prioritize your happiness too!
I took care of both my parents until the end. This was harder than I ever expected could be possible. At times, I felt like I couldn’t go on. I ended up learning a lot about my parents and myself. This takes immense problem solving skills, physical and emotional strength and courage. Looking back, this time was very precious and I would not trade it for anything else. I have no regrets and know that this journey made me stronger.
There are no wrong choices. Decide what is write for you and your situation.
Most people here will write that you should not attempt to take this on, because it is impossible. It is not impossible.
A good starting point is the Area Agency on Aging. They are a wealth of information, free information, that will do an assessment of your father to give you a good starting point of his needs. They have nothing to gain from recommendations they may give you. AAA is funded by grants and an absolute wealth of knowledge and the resources available.
I never took Mom in thinking she would live with me the rest of her life. My parents never made me feel I was to be their caregiver. I did it for 20 months and cannot imagine how some people do this even longer with parents who are not easy. A lot different taking care of a baby then an adult.
From your profile: "Hi my parents live separately but are in their 80s. My siblings and check in on them and provide assistance as needed. I would like to educate myself so that I can be better prepared to care for them as they continue to age."
I'm sure your siblings love that you are considering moving your father in with you. What about your mother? What happens when she needs help?
I think you already know what most on this site write when someone asks if there parent should move in with them.
"I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another."
From your other posts, sounds like you are still intending to at least move your father in with you.
This is a good forum though. I think that of the roles that APFM plays, this is a good, helpful one. Aging Care is honest and decent. But with regard to the other situation, it was impossible to get my information removed from their database.
So, if, in the future, I do place my mom in one of the facilities that received my information from APFM, it is still likely that the company will get a percentage of that monthly fee. Who knows.
I found them to be extremely helpful. Some here poo-pooh APFM because they get paid by the nursing homes, but who cares? It's your job to vet these places, and if APFM succeeds in finding a good match for you and your dad, why shouldn't they get paid?
I wish I'd used them for my mother's first nursing home. Instead, I put her in a home where my dad had been on the board of trustees, and while it was kind of them to take her in on short notice, I also didn't know she was in the wrong kind of care. She had a miserable time in that place and my husband told me that if we didn't get her out of there, she'd die, and he was right. Thank goodness for APFM, because they asked me important questions I hadn't thought to ask, and they only sent me to three places. One was perfect, and I could never have found it myself.
When YOU assume the role of caregiver, it is often as the result of seeing a slow but relentless process of loss, physically, cognitively, emotionally.
Your father may have sacrificed his own personal enthusiasms and interests to offer what he considered “the best” for you as you grew from childhood to adulthood.
Consciously or unconsciously, he may have considered his sacrifices “deferred” and expected that as you became an independent adult, he would have the opportunity to resume a lifestyle that would offer him a second shot.
Tragically for those of us who are in geriatric care, the difference is that once cognitive/physical/social/mental/psychological abilities start to fail, the silver lining of “children grow up and take care of themselves” declines to becoming impossible.
“I LOVE MY DAD SO MUCH, THAT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR ME WHEN I’M TAKING CARE OF HIM”.
I said that, and I’m SURE I MEANT IT. We ALL do.
No need to martyr yourself, you can show love and respect without living in the sad reality of mental deterioration. Start writing a pro and con list and visit assisted living facilities in your location so that you are educated about the subject and always know that you have choices.
Make an appointment with a Elder Law Attorney who can asses his ability pay for care if that is the direction you go now or later. While you're there, start planning your own last chapter so that those you love won't be faced with the same dilemma your dad is in.
There are many factors in placing your dad starting with asking him what he wants, what does he own (house, car, boat and ???) and his willingness to visit senior living in your community. We can't always make other people happy, but it helps to understand what he likes and will cooperate with.
While you figure out the next move, make sure you prioritize your happiness too!
There are no wrong choices. Decide what is write for you and your situation.
Most people here will write that you should not attempt to take this on, because it is impossible. It is not impossible.
Remember that this is your life, not theirs.
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