How do I deal with my selfish elderly parents?

Hi Jett, Wow..you do have your hands full. I know what you mean about dads being mean. My mom was very ill recently and hospitalized and I had to spend a great deal of time with my father. He would push me around...actually push my shoulder to move me in the direction he wanted me to go. Yell at me and storm out of the house when I did not agree with him. This one thing I have learned. They will NOT change. We can continue to be miserable and begin to hate and resent our parents. What good is that? I have changed my focus. I feel so much better. You are a good, loving, and devoted daughter. You care for your parents because that is the kind of person you are. Do not wait for them to tell you they appreciate you...they will not. But you appreciate yourself and I certainly appreciate you. I appreciate that there is someone else out there dealing with similar problems and I appreciate this opportunity to share my feelings with someone who understands. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change". Get it? Have a bright day. Rita

I am 24yrs old and have an older brother who is 28. My father left us when I was 5 years old but even before that he was never really there because he was busy having his affairs. My brother and I didn't see our father for over 9 years and eventually when we did have the opportunity to see him and get to know him he was very mean to us. My brother has completely given up on having any sort of a relationship after years of constantly trying. I on the other hand after years of fighting with my father I started having a fairly better relationship with him a year and a half ago, we don't see each other since we live in different states but we talk about 2 times a week. Things changed because I changed the way I looked at things (I was doing what Rita advised to do). I said to myself that my dad had a very rough childhood growing up with a father that was never there for him and an alcoholic mother. So I tried to better understand him and when he would do things that would hurt my feelings I would make excuses for him. Now I have decided to get married, my father has never met my fiance because he never visits me and I visited him but without my fiance because we couldn't afford for the both of us to go. My father has once again put me last on his list, he was invited to my wedding but is unable to make it and instead of trying to make up for it he blames me for having my wedding in an inconvenient time for him and his new family. Whenever I try to tell him how he makes me feel he argues with me and then he makes me feel guilty for it. He acts as though he makes his decisions because he has no other choice. But the only person standing in the way of him doing the right thing is him because he has always been selfish. Now I am torn between giving up on a relationship with him forever because in the short time that I've known him he has hurt me emotionally countless times, but then I feel like if I cut him off that I would be doing something wrong to him and hurt his feelings. So now it comes down to me choosing between my own feelings and his and it is difficult for me because after all the bad things and not knowing him for so long, I can still see the ting bit of good in him and I do love him. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I tried that approach to change the way I saw things and dealt with things but in the end I hurt myself because I was basically lying to myself all this time.

Just wanted to share my story with someone who can probably relate.

Lini

I have been taken care of my parents for the last 6/7 years. Since there health decline. My mother is 75 on Halloween and my dad passed this year at he age of 69. Now my mom has always been selfish and don't know how to manage money. Never has. Since my dad passed in July, I realize she is grieving and has diabeties, high blood pressure and osteoprosis. Her back and legs hurt all the time, has been in the hospital 2 times in the last month. She is on me 24/7. Everything i tell her is not right, just as if i was lying to her all the time. Here lately we have been arguing all the time, whether it is money or whatever. I wont' baby her like my other brothers do, maybe that is the problem. I know she forgets but does she have them fooled. It is sad because i never thought me and my mom would be like this. I try and chalk it up to whatever. It sure tries your patients though. I can't get one thing done till she is saying something about something else. God forgive me. I do everything wrong and my brother that lives here which is 56 years old, gets the " poor guy, bless his heart" speech. What does a person do. Where can I go to try and understand a person like my mother.

I am my mothers(75 yrs) caregiver also. I never thought I would ever have so much guilt from trying to do what is best for my mother.
I only have one brother and he doesnt do anything to help.
My husband and My children are saints for bearing with me on a daily basis because my mother keeps me so stressed out. My mother is so strong willed and maniplitive. She is addicted to sweepstakes and the lottery. I have done everything I know to do to keep her from being taken by this type of fraud but my mother tells me that I am stealing the only joy she has and she says she enjoys the sweepstakes although she has been taken for thousands and thousands of dollars. My time is consumer by her financial affairs, and just her daily life in general.
I feel sorry for my husband, children and grandson. I would love to spend more time with them but I mother is constantly calling, or creating some type of crisis to insure that I stay focused on her.
I hope that I never place burdens on my children the way my mother has created burdens of pressure in my life.
My dad is 80 and now he is having health problems...I will be the only one to take care of him as well.
I never thought I would live my life like this...I can understand people whom would want to take there own life.... When I feel so consumed I call on the Lord and He gives me strength to do what I need to from moment to moment.
I just know ...this too shall pass.

babyboomer, i understand totally. My moms addiction is DVD's. I am not married. So i call on the lord every day. I have to. I am blessed to be able to take care of my mom and really would not have it any other way. She is the only mom i have, however i would love to just have a small break/vacation. lol i will keep u in my prayers. Ur right one day this too shall pass.

I cannot believe I have found people going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing your stories. My dad is at the cornor hotel because I am sick of his never ending needs. I have three sisters who don't want him either. I just want to be over this it has been going on for to long. He never took care of us I have been taking care of him for 7 years and have had my last straw and cannot take any more abuse or his never ending list of things he needs done right now. He needs a wife and is only 65 and acts 95. I hope he finds someplace to stay because my home is no longer the elder care zone. I don't want to be maid no more I want my life back. I am one of those woman who has been taking care of people for so long I forgot of myself. I need to be good to myself now. I have 3 classes before graduation with a new career and want this to be my time. What ever happens is going to happen. He would not go to a class get a friend or anything. He would only wait until I could take him everyplace and if I did not he would tell everyone I keep him in jail and let him out for the day. Well he has a car, money, and more then I had when I left home at 16. He can learn to care for himself.

OK all my brave words why do I still feel so guilty I can't sleep???

"All my brave words...I still feel so guilty"
Yep. Been there. Still there. Grew up there. Haven't been able to move away from there. They are so selfish. We give, and give, and give, and they take, and take, and take...and WE feel guilty. So is something wrong with them, or is something wrong with US?

My mother always quoted some erodite guy about how you can 'never escape your early beginnings.' They reared us up with the notion that we are responsible to them and they still expect us to be their parents. I have been bringing them up all my life.
Obligation is the strongest and most powerful of all emotions. It is supposed to be love. Sometimes I wonder if I am inadvertantly doing to the people that I actually love, the things that my parents are doing to me. Somehow that cycle must stop. My brother has no problem walking away...but that is his way of taking. Three takers one giver. It wears you down. I don't think I have much left to give. My husband calls it family equity, but they never deposited.
Bless you all. Not all parents are good parents... but we are good people and this is what we do. A hug to all of you.

Oh this is a bandwagon I love to jump on because my mother has the disease "Its All About Me". Dad gave her everything she wanted for 50+ years. OY... I won't even go there!

Well now mom and dad are in assisted living in an exquisite facility. But I gotta tell ya I had the most priceless moment this weekend.

My mother is the mean one. She's ridden my fanny over my weight gain for so many years it became a joke between my husband and I. My mom would tell me about all sorts of diets, cut out articles, insult me in front of others, and the list just goes on and on.

Well, the hospital put my mother on Megace (appetite increaser) because my mother dropped down to 74 lbs trying to starve herself (too long a story to go into). Well in about 8 weeks she went from 74 lbs to 121 lbs. I laugh because she's NEVER been over 115 lbs in her life!! What was priceless you ask?

When I saw her this weekend, she started complaining and I quote, "I can't believe how fat I am!" I looked up at her and told her flat out (I have my husband who can testify), "What goes around comes around. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor."

OH MAN did I get the glare between those chubby cheeks. It was vindication at its finest! Patience always brings it back around, but its just a matter of how long can one hold on?

Keep hanging in everyone! Selfishness is a disease and learning boundaries and to say no while they hurt is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do.

Weird how selfishness produces selfless kids. What's with that?
Jett, I wonder how people get out of pickles? May all your metals be gold. I hereby crown you queen!
And here's looking at you, Rita: priceless!
Lini, I pray you have a blessed and happy marriage. Enjoy and cling to HIM!
alicmb, you're a treasure!
Good point gvergrl. Family equity? (funny!) More like family deficit.
Stay a hero BABYBOOMER!
Bless you kyredhead12!
Thanks for the laughs, mitzipinki. I think your Mom and mine exchanged notes. Aren't we awesome to put them in exquisite facillities? Good looking out!

This thread made me smile, even though it hits so close to home and heart. I'm glad I can still laugh. Thanks, everyone. Wouldn't it be a hoot to all get together at once? I mean for real? Hawaii? Heaven? Hope to see you there!

gvrgrl,

I'm with you...I can't believe the guilt! My mom was rarely there for me as a child...she didn't go to my high school graduation and she didn't act liked she cared when I graduated from broadcasting school!!! She seemed as if she had better things to do than listen to my demo (for commercials). And now she expects me to be there for her every blinking moment!!! Argues all the time and dosen't want me to comment back...tells me im being disrespectful!!! Well she wouldn't let me speak my mind as a child and I'll be bleep, bleep, bleep if I'm going to let her do this to me as an adult!!!

Hey Anne,
Yes, it would be great if we all could get together and go to a fun place to let out some steam together!!! To laugh and cry...more laughter though!!!

Hang in there!!!
Jazzy

Boy can I ever relate also. My mother is manipulative, self centered and controlling. Ha and she calls me controlling. Her addiction is Headline News and Bridge with people just like her I suspect and control over everyone in her life even the kids she isn't raisiing. I used to feel sorry for her she grew up with 14 sibilings and I am sure times were ruff and not happy during the depression. But Lord help me you would have thought that would have tamed her more.Yeah right!
My brother doesn't help and really doesn't know how.Anything I did was not to her satisfaction and I was the bad kid. The baby my brother is the angel. No problems but he is a chronic liar.Has got caught many times and he still gets away with it. I truly beleive if did something seriously worng he walk away scott free just becuase he is the baby. She spoiled him rotten and I did too but that was becuase we went through allot of foster homes and I was the oldest taking care both of us.
When she adopted him it was all about the baby. She forgot me and my dad and I had a sweet relationship wish I think to this day she still jealous of. So, I people I understand they all can be selfish and run us to the ground. I wonder what it is with this generation just reading what people write about they all seem the same did they all come out of the same hole( like that Wendy's commercial He-he) Yeah your right Anne we would have a ball and laugh our heads off and praise one another.
Lord help these broken ones that have endured the pain of this group of people. We love them but we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I am sure God is watching us all. So , we keep being the disciples we are to our parents. Maybe one day God will help them to see the Light.

Amen

Anne, this one is for you.... being in this exquisite assisted living has been great... some administration problems, but definitely can't complain about the staff. Its so funny because I have staff tell me "You know she hasn't bathed at all." I'll reply to them, "Perhaps you can take her out on the deck and hose her down, I'm really not sure what to tell you." Staff used to look at me like I was crazy. My husband would tell them stories and they used to think we were just the meanest.... now mom has been there almost six months... HA guess who gets to laugh now? They may take the pocket book, but they have to live with her!

Now I hear the stories and her "demands" and they scoff. Now when the med techs see me or the caregivers, we have a good chuckle. Sometimes we go to visit just the staff and they ask "Are you going to see your mother?" I look at them and reply, "Do I look sick to you? Take my temp!" we all chuckle and I do what I need to do then leave.

My mother's selfishness led me to a lot of problems emotionally. Denial about my childhood, anger about her treatment towards me, and a struggling marriage because I did not see a normal marriage growing up. Make sure you get GOOD counseling! In my case I only recommend a Christian counselor, but hey. The one thing I can tell those of you who deal with a vindictive cruel parent... you can't get blood from a stone. Don't expect something you will never receive. Just move on and find a way to cope. Seriously.

Thank you all for being here and showing we are not alone. It makes the days so much easier! Neon if you're reading this, I'm glad you're surfacing again. I hope you are doing better!!

mitizipinki, thank you! I love your sense of humor and your spirit. God is so good. I go to see the staff sometimes, too. Cuz sometimes the pain of dealing with my Dad is more than I feel able to at the moment. Grief. Old family patterns, and Dad's unwillingness to get up out of bed or eat, except once in awhile on his terms. It hurts to see him losing weight, losing the ability to communicate. And it is important to get to know the staff. They are the ones we've entrusted our parent's well-being to. And most of them are so gracious, loving and committed. They know more about nursing than I do, and I know my Dad more than they ever will. But it's so important to form those new relationships.

My Dad wasn't mean, just distant. And angry at times. My Mom was the selfish, mean one. Egg shells don't make for good flooring. There were always elephants in our living rooms and other wild beasts in the rest of the house. My sister and I both still struggle today. But after 12 years of marriage, and lots of good Christian Biblical counseling, my husband says I'm doing better than I was. You know we have to in order to show compassion to the ones who were not so nice to us at times. But you know, I was a brat, too. I can't just blame my Mom totally. Yeah they bear some of the responsibility, but not all. It is just time for me to grow up. And forgive. And take care of the ones who once cared for me. I thank God I can do it. It is a privilege, and a way to honor them, even if I don't like Mom at times.

It's hard to do for someone who's difficult to please. But when my thinking is right, I remember we are commanded to love our neighbor. It's easy to love the nice ones. It is definitely harder to love and show compassion to the prickly pears. But Jesus did it. He loved me when I was lost and broken and ugly and mean and selfish. He loves you, too.

upthecreek, God can heal the broken ones. (I know, because he's working on me.) But it does hurt, and it does take awhile.

And this site has been a Godsend. You ladies, too.

Anne, I know God can heal anything if people just let him in and choose the right path.

Here is a song for everyone to enjoy. Dance in the Rain by Marvin Mumford hope his Music blesses you all.

upthecreek (M), I'm not sure what you mean by the right path.

I mean if our parents and even us as a matter of fact accept Christ and have faith we are following the right path and Jesus will heal all the pain we all shar ehe is the healer.
Have a blessed day.

Blessings to you as well. Thank you for the clarification. I believe Jesus heals, but like I said, sometimes it takes time. Some things are harder to overcome, and take longer for some people. Not all pain is the same. He heals, but some will not see it until heaven, because? I don't have all the answers

Seneca basically said that we become unhappy by having high expectations. If we expect exactly what we get, then we should not be hurt ,disapointed, or angry about it. And Einstein is always quoted as having said that 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.'

My husband is always trying to tell me that I am not going to get what I want from my parents. He is correct. They are in the twilight of their lives. If I have not earned their love, respect, or trust by now, then I should not go there expecting any. If I could only break the cycle, do what needs to be done with dispassion, then perhaps I could be more to all of us. Leaving hurt, and angry, and furious at myself for being the good guy, and yet beating myself up for not being 'good enough' for them...as I wipe up the pee around the toilet (He must see double and picks the wrong one)... It has to stop. Perhaps It is Stockholm syndrome. But if we do not do this, then who will?

My grand parents were so loving and kind. It was easier to care for a kind grateful person. My parents never said I love you. no hugs, no compassion... after 46 years, one would think I would have figured it out that they aren't normal. Something is missing in them, and I need to realize that it won't develop anytime in this life of theirs. It is funny though, mom calls dad a 'lump" and dad calls mom 'unloving.' They see it in each other but not themselves. That would take introspection, and perhaps the realization that they aren't the center of the universe. gasp!

Everytime I want to give up and just let them reap the thistles in the garden they've sown, my husband (the better of the two of us) reminds me that we have to do what is best for them because we have to live with ourselves. He just wants me to do it without emotion, distance myself. I understand what he is saying, but it is so hard to do.

So we count our blessings. I slept so much better last night knowing that I am not alone. Many of you are going through a worse time of it... a glimps into the future,*sigh*, but this site is a comfort. allies in the trenches.
Do not forget to tell your husbands and children that you love them. That they are special to you. Let's break this cycle by giving to those who recipricate and love us back. We need to go to the wells that have water, and stop looking for it in the dry ones.

Let me try this for the third time.... Let me try to stay on the path of this intended thread. As a Christian myself I think people have a stigma associated with it that come with a wrong set of expectations for how we handle things. Meaning we should have no problems. Wrong answer! The "right path" is only for God to deal with every individual.

I found out a little too late in life that my "good Christian" home was dysfunctional as all hell. Since all this happened, I have had to deal with all these different hurts on all different levels due to mom's disease of selfishness. What makes is worse is the stigma hearing the word "Christian" associated with dealing with these hurts because then the usual "Christian-ese" isn't too far behind. Yes God heals, but anyone one of us still has to get through the pain of this latest mountain of crap to climb. It's a pain in the butt and then to hear how God will heal us. Sometimes God wants to teach us as well, not necessarily heal.

For me personally, what I will say through all this pain, hurt and anger, I have watched God do some miraculous things in the past 6 months. When I can step back and breathe for a minute, I thank God for all His provisions and the lessons learned. It doesn't stop me from getting mad, frustrated, etc, but it helps me grow past all those hurts.

Jesus can heal, but that's for anyone He chooses not just those on the "right path". We, as believers, still have to do our part in forgiveness, letting go, and learning from these miserable of circumstances (whether by our doing or not).

My path looks like its a little more extended, but I can rest assure you that in order to deal with this horrible disease of selfishness, you can't get blood from a stone. Go about getting through this and try and find the forgiveness for those that do hurt us. Find something each day to enjoy. Don't let what has destroyed our parents, destroy us.

In the mean time, I enjoy the vindication that God gives me when it comes. I love the fact that my mom complains of how fat she is when she used to give me grief over my weight gain. It was priceless. When those chubby little cheeks look at me, I just thank God for His justice, not my brand of justice and then I can move on to the next level of healing.

Thanks all for your support!! Anne, I'm always around in some form! Being a realist helps the humor move forward (twisted as it may get)! LOL

mpinki,
Well said and you are correct our frustrations are there in care giving. God never promised life would be easy. Wish he did but that not going to happen. We grow through our trials .I believe he is probably crying with us. Neither, did he say we would be perfectly made. I beleive some times we forget that life can give us these blows. How we handle them is up to us and our choice. God doesn't tell you you or youur parents what path to take he just guides. Which when we look at this way we can then determine what path to take whether frustration , or mad or upset or one day at a time or the servant hood of Jesus .We have those choices to have these feelings and make them what they are. Again, we make those choices. I have a child with special Needs and I tell him you make your chioce not God. He shows the road. Our parents
did not get the way they are over night they too have had pain and frustrastion
through their lives and the way they have handle I beleive materialize in time.We will be tested over many trials. With their attitudes the way they are from there choices they made. Truthfully, in their heart is the only way they can fix it.We can not fix it becuase it is their choice. So these husbands that say don't try to fuel the fire are correct. My mother is ugly to me but she makes that choice. Whether it hurts me she doesn't care she knows she does this and so she lives in the path she takes. Frustrated and mad at the world .So in prospective they are not taking it out on just us but the world around them.
I think the cause of some of this generation to act this way is the paths they took along the way and whether they left the Christian life or not was their choice .Now they try to figure it all out and it is hard to them and they are still frustrated as we are inside in time time maybe God will reach them and maybe not . Hopefully we realize that we don't want to be this way while caring for them. The important thing is we see this in our parents and it hurts truthfully all the way around. We just have to remember we don't want to be in this state when we are their age and continue on the right path now matter what with God by our side.
prayer make life allot more easier and trusting Him. He is all knowing sometime we just have to sit back and watch what he does. Even people who are not Christian have to do this take one day at time and wait. What choice they may is their choice.

mitizipinki, you said a lot well. I wrote a lot about the same subject, but it didn't all print for some reason. To stay on thread, though: I believe selfishiness is not a disease, but plain old sin. Personal choices. And each of us are accountable. There are none immune from selfishness. Back to thread, though, I think we're talking about our parent's selfishness, and the pain we feel because of it.

I am sure that not all realize their own selfishness, at some level. Than you have those with cognitive deficiencies, etc. Illness, stroke, etc., and various other diseases cause it. Take dementia, for instance. That parent literally cannot help themselves. They are rude, demanding, prideful, sharp, bitter, angry, whatever... But it is not always by choice. My Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. He went through and angry and threatening stage. Now he's only angry if provoked. He doesn't realize what he's doing. He can't help himself. He gets lots of grace and forgiveness and compassion.

My Mom, on the other hand, is Queen Selfish. An only child, coddled by doting parents. ME, me first, I want, is her mantra. My sister and I both suffer. Talk about dysfunctional. And Mom and Dad fought all the time. She wouldn't take care of her husband, and she rarely even went to go visit him when he was close by in a Nursing Home. It outraged me. I lived 200 miles away and saw him more than she did. But whenever she wants something, she expects me to give it to her, because I'm Conservator and Guardian. Her pets, and her this, and her that, and I get the grief. If I don't do what she wants, she yells, "Abuse!" That is pure unadulterated evil selfishness! I hate it.

At the same time, I am required to provide for her needs. Both legally, and by God. Love our "neighbor" as ourselves, and honoring our parents. Now you can argue, "give honor unto whom it's due." But, I was commanded to love, not just the easy ones, but the hard ones, too. I have to be careful to provide for her needs, not wants. Though, sometimes compassion makes me give more. I also have to be careful, because Mom is genius at taking advantage of my compassion.

I struggle. Their financial lives are a mess. Their physical home is a mess. I don't have time to go do it for her, and she makes everything so difficult. Won't let me throw away broken TV's, etc. It's a total nightmare at times. My sister does nothing but criticize me. Talk about selfishness! My mother will not clean up the mess. Someone has to. Yet my sister wants the goodies (inheritance). She wanted to take the seats out of her car and get some furniture when Mom was hospitalized. No one will make my sister help her mother, but they will make me split the estate in half in the end. After all the work I do to help the parents who raised us. It is evil, wicked, selfish, and just plain sin! (How we try to soften it by calling it selfishness.) It separates, divides and destroys. And it hurts.

OK I vented a lot.

It eats us up. It hurts. And it doesn't seem to bother them a bit. I wish God could just send me a post card and tell me what it is I need to learn from this so we can be done with it, but then I guess I am the one that is sounding selfish now.
Someone in another post mentioned growing up walking on egg shells...I thought that was my house. Those were the words we used.
But going back to the original 'original' thread...no, we are tired, and we don't want to do this anymore. But we need to cope because It isn't going to go away. The good die young and the selfish will watch the sun burn out. and we will be dragged behind them trying to make their lives better, because that is really why we are here, because we want to help. Or we wouldn't. We'd be eyeing their furniture.

Okay, try #2
Anne, I think you hit on a really key point. We are raised with the "honor your mother and father" and we think or believe that it means taking the abuse that is purposely dished out (not by those who can't help it).

I have come to live with I have honored my parents by taking care of them in the assisted living. I could not do what many of you do 24/7, but the emotional drain has stolen enough from me. I have honored them by putting them in a nice facility and not thinking about what I lose financially. Their care is most important to me. I have honored them by protecting them from the nuts in their lives that cause more harm than good. Regardless of what my parent's think of me. I know that I have done everything possible, legally, financially, and emotionally for my mother and father.

We can't think of honoring our parents equating to being a doormat for them. Sometimes tough decisions are made to do what is the best for our parents. It isn't always easy when you hear family or outsiders complain about things, but know that we made choices as well. Choices that regardless of how selfish our mother or father is, we can hold our head high knowing we did what's right regardless of each of our situations.

God bless you all for your daily choices!!

I know how you all feel. I too am taking care of my mother 83 and my stepfather 85. He has a bout with dementia and is always talking about semi's. I get so sick of hearing those stories. My mom sits and hollers at him because he can't hear. He hates when we mention hearing aides. He always says I clean out my own ears and I hear just fine. They are living in mine and my husbands house, but I'm treading on their territory. I know get their pills 4times a day and fix their meals. That is the only time I come out of my room. Today my mom said it wasn't fair, for me and my husband to spend time together in my room. That's how she wanted it. I have cried so many times, simply because they don't listen. I've tried to get my father-in-law to set down when he uses the bathroom, but he refuses. My mom isn't supposed to bend in a 90degree angle, because she broke her hip. If I don't clean it up at night, she does. I'm fit to be tied. My husband supports me in anything I do. He can just walk away like it was nothing. I can't. Believe me I understand what everyone is going through and I hope I don't sound terrible. Thanks for listening. LoriIGUP

Lorene, you don't sound terrible. You sound tired. God bless you. Praying for you. What a hero! Can you get some help?

I have learned or taught myself to feel sorry for those that beat me down and boss me around. As long as someone in my life is trying to knock my halo off, I know that I am an angel. Thank you for reminding me and thank you God for allowing me to be the angel and allowing them to be not me. I'm glad that I am not the one knocking others around and pushing them down. We are all here to support each other and our fellow angels. If you need us, we are here for you and thank you, for being there for us. Sometimes it may seem lonely when we are out there doing our heavenly duties but just close your eyes and remember that we are never more than a thought away. As you think of me, I will be thinking of you and we shall once again, be reminded that we are all one. Let us have pity on those of us that do not see it. For they have fallen asleep at this wheel that we can life. May God bless, for they know not what they do. Ignorance may be bliss, knowledge may be powerful but there is freedom only in Truth.

One thing is many older folks are on much medication for health problems and it does change them into the worst ways sometimes or produces all kinds of problems which many have already touched on here...or the other side of the coin to consider is ......
THE world of NPD, A VERY REAL SITUATION people can find themselves in. Know that you are not alone, that this "sorry you will never please me" malady is real and can be futile to fix or fight! Study up on it to release yourself from that guilt demon. Some guilt is understandable and healthy but the false guilt you have been programed with as control mechanisms is just part of narcissistic personality disorder your parent could have, with in your case plenty of invalidation as a side. Bad side order, send that one back too! Tough love is what you will be forced into here for self survival of your marriage and children. Do what you need to to cover your loved ones, there is a time to reap what has been sown, even for a beloved cantankerous parent.

I am typing because I spent four hours with my mom today and it was one of the worst days I have had with her. She has always been self-centered, neurotic, drama queen. My abusive father is now a saint. Today she told me that he was never impatient with her. He was the poster child of anger and impatience/ verbal abuse. I spent my childhood as her counselor. I took her to lunch, manicure/pedicure, and to the oral surgeon. I did not think I could get her out of the car fast enough. It is a long story but it boils down to... I asked her to keep the calendar that I gave her on the table so she would not have to call me so much to remind her of appts. etc. She refused to do it because " It looks so depressing on the table." I was so upset when I dropped her off but I could not cry. I have felt guilty ever since. My husband, who is the most patient man I have ever met, had to hang up on her yesterday because she called him three times at work. My children have a theory that you become more of what you were when you get old. Pray that I can do the right thing by my mother but have some peace. It is good to know I am not alone with this struggle.

Tulsa: Don't feel guilty. You have both oars in the water and it's very natural to be offended by another who just wants to suck you dry. Yes, your children are right that many of the traits a person has held life long intensify as their world becomes smaller. They have to control your life in order to feel alive.

If your mom has dementia, then we can give her some slack as it is a real disease and she can't control that as much as she or we would like her too.

Nevertheless, you might be better off spending less time in a setting with her. A pedicure on one day, the oral surgeon on another. Of course you might feel it best to do the marathon and be done with it for the week. Not sure what your daily schedule with your mom is or what you want it to be.

I'm sure you will do the right thing for your mom, but in order to have some peace, you need distance too and time for your family.

In 2009, we visited my cousin in Wales. During one day, her husband received 33 phone calls from his mother. She threatened him that she would call social services if he did not call her back. She had and continues to have dementia. She was 92 when we were there. You can't reach her because her illness prevents it. She was well advised that he would not be available during our visit. She had in home care and meals, but it didn't matter.

Its sad what so many of us have to endure with our parents. You are doing your best so be kind to yourself and appreciate that you are only human and your mom is not in her right mind.

I posted on your wall. Sending love and white light your way. Hugs, Cattails.

I noticed that this post from Jett was in 2008 oringinally. I wonder what ever happened?