How to deal with my anger when husband is verbally abusive and thinks I'm the one being mean?

My heart goes out to you. I am very glad to read in your profile that you are getting counseling. And it really sounds like you are handling your husband appropriately.

But, how to handle your anger? I understand that many people find it helpful to write their feelings in a journal. Have you tried that? Or come here and vent. (Make it clear that that is what you are doing.) Stay in counselling!

As I'm sure your counselor has told you, try to avoid isolation. And as I'm sure you've discovered, circumstances conspire against you as you try this. Is there some regular activity your health will let you enjoy? Book discussions at the library? A craft club -- knitting or painting or beading? And then could one of the away-from-home kids stay with Dad for those times?

Do you belong to a caregivers" support group?

A book that you may find useful is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss.

In my mind, anger is appropriate. It helped me to remember what I was angry at. I was deeply angry at the dementia and at the unfairness of life. Neither of those things were under my husband's control. Believe me, he was angry at the dementia, too!

It was as unfair to my sweet, gentle, smart husband to lose important parts of himself as it was to me to have my life change so abruptly and drastically to take care of him. I understand that you are doing this out of love for who he really is when the dementia isn't in charge, and out of an oath you took. Caregiving a spouse really has some factors that don't apply to caregiving a parent.

Almost everyone in my caregiving group had to eventually place their loved one in a professional care setting. That is the typical course of the disease. If/when your time comes, accept it graciously WITHOUT guilt.

Oh man, that is difficult. If you are able to invite anyone inside for a visit, he would be on better behavior for a while, right? That would modify his habit a little bit. That is all I can think of, but I'm sure others will have some good advice.

Is this new behavior or has he always been this way, but maybe to lesser degree?

If this is new behavior, then I would try to seek some sort of medical intervention. Not sure how you would handle this and maybe one of the adult children could take the reins here. Definitely need to let his doctor know about this new development.

If this is the same as always, maybe just more pronounced, I still might think there was a medical event. Maybe a small stroke or something.

This isn't a good situation for the child at home either.

I'm not sure how I can respond in this forum. I'll give this a try:
ccflorida, you are exactly right. But I'm not up to company very often. But I'm friendly when company comes.

txcamper, You nailed it, too. Husband has always has these traits, but maybe 5% of the time, growing to 20% as he aged, then with the dementia it shot up to 97% of the time. He's had an MRI of his head with no stroke noted. The son at home is 34 yrs. old. He's only home due to illness himself. I try to keep him out of the problems, but that's not completely possible. He's mature enough to handle it the best he can.

jeannegibbs, Thank you for your counseling recommendation. It helps reinforce that I need it. I did try journaling but I don't much care for it. Hard on the hands. Caregiver support group: you are it! No, I belong to another, can't find one near home but will keep trying. I'm intensely artistic and have many projects, but my depression and ailments make them hard to do. I do manage some...excellent suggestion! Thank you for the book recommendation, I'll probably get it. Isolation is very difficult to resolve with the health problems, but I won't give up. It's not my nature.

Sendme2help, Outdoors might be good, but not always practical for me. It's incredibly hot here most of the year( FL). I did put more detail in my profile story. My hubby's age is 66.5 yrs. and he's been in the 1st stage of dementia for about 7 yrs. You're absolutely right about leaving the room. Often I'm on a schedule when I'm trying to grab needed things from the kitchen. So it's tougher on me to stay out at those times. The kitchen story was an example, it can happen about almost anything, at any time. You're absolutely right I have to control my anger. Sometimes I'm so outraged at the unfairness I respond in anger too quickly. I have to learn not to do that...somehow!

Coloresue, please forgive me, I didn't read your profile before responding. You are living in a situation that would drive most people to drink. I am so sorry that life has dealt you this hand.
Could you possible get a dorm size refrigerator and microwave oven to keep in your room? A coffee pot too?
I think you are handling the situation better than I ever could, so I have nothing to add. Just make sure there are no weapons in the house. We had to do that with my FIL. He would have TIA's and you never knew what the new normal would be. He did go through a violent stage and his doctor recommended a lock up facility for a few weeks until they could get his medicines straightened out. It made a world of difference. It was awful for his family while it was going on, but the aftereffects were well worth it.

I don't know if you are a religious person, but a lot of people find comfort in reading the Bible and prayer. If you have a word processing program with a full sized keyboard, you can journal on the computer. I can't write worth a darn anymore, no one can read it when I do.

Dementia has the bad habit of exaggerating the worst personality traits. I'm so sorry. At least you do have your son at home for company.

As a person's dementia progresses, you will just have to take over more of the decisions. It's not really an option. It will be a hard transition for both of you, but he's going not going to continue to be the main decision-maker. I don't mean that it will be a democracy, now, I literally mean that you'll be making the decisions.

There might be smaller decisions you let him try to make to let him be happy. There might be things where you try to make him feel included. But the reality is that you'll be taking over more and more. He won't like it. He'll be angry with you. You're going to have to find a way to internally just be at peace with that.

The bottom line is that this isn't going to get better. The only thing you can do is change the way you see it so that you're not eaten-up by it. That's a hard thing to do, by the way, and I'm not trying to trivialize it, but it's just what you'll have to work on learning to do.

To Coloresue, I have a few ideas that no one else has mentioned. My husband was always verbally abusive to me over the 53 years of marriage. I should have divorced him in retrospect and then I would not be in this mess now that he has had Alzheimers for 11 years and I am now paying for his assisted living as he never saved any money. When he began to constantly call me four letter words and " b*tch" and tell me he hoped I died if I went out to go in the car someplace by myself, I had to vent my anger. I had so much anger and hatred towards him that my health suffered. My psychiatrist told me to pretend that you had no connection to him at all - just to pretend in your own mind that he was just a border living in your house and that what he said meant nothing to you .Have no good expectations of him whatever. I also journaled and wrote my anger out every night. I now have over 5 years, 3 filled notebooks. My last suggestion I think worked the best. Whenever he attacked me verbally, I walked out of the room, went into the bedroom, closed the door and said out loud, but quietly, all the things that I would have loved to tell him. In other words, I told him off. It lets off the steam and even though he doesn't hear it, it makes you feel better, or sometimes I would make ugly faces at him when his back was turned or stick out my tongue at him. Sounds childish, but it really helps to let it out. Now he is in assisted living and I have peace at home, but I have a bigger worry, as I am spending all my retirement money to pay for his care- he has no money as he never saved a dime, unbeknownst to me as we kept our money separate. Who will pay for my care- no one. I will be on welfare and he is living in a wonderful place now.It is so unfair! It just never ends! I also belong to a support group and I can vent there as well. Take care. Hope these help. KM

To: txcamper,

Don't let it bother you that you hadn't read my story before your last answer. I'm new and this was my first discussion question. So I'm partly responsible, too.

I'll keep in mind your idea about some miniature kitchen appliances. Right now, I can get by without them though I do sometimes store necessities in my room. Thanks also for the reminder about weapons. I will have to remove all keys to weapons and safes from his possession as soon as he gets less in touch with reality. Unfortunately, he's spent about 8.5 yrs. in the earliest stage and is all too aware if he doesn't have his wallet or keys, etc. He acts so normal most of the time it's a shock when he turns nasty and negative. He's not physically aggressive, he's verbally and emotionally nasty. He likes to play mind games but I don't think he sees them as games, just his normal way to get what he wants.

I like that you point out faith as a coping mechanism. I'm very religious and look first to God and his commands for all direction and action. His love keeps me constantly aware of him, and knowing I have God's support and strength is truly a gift. Maybe I can make myself journal with my laptop, but I have so many things I "have" to do vs. those I "want" to do, it may not work. You taught me something totally new...that a person can be put in 24/7 care for a short period of time if the situation calls for it. I'll remember that.

You're right, my son is good company. I hardly see him, however, because he's home due to poor health. He's in his room most of the day. He's missed the last yr. of college and we hope he will have finished treatment in time to return to University by fall.

Thank you for your ideas and thoughts.

To: geo123,

I do understand that my husband will mostly get worse rather than better. He's actually better in the last year than the 6-7 yrs. before. He has less Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality switches. Less negativity. But I know his brain is dying bit by bit and I will be making more decisions as time passes. I have already taken over a lot of decision-making. That's not a problem for me, and he often wants me to make the decisions. I have to hold back and let him feel in control by letting him make some decisions. He has a need to be in control (except for what he forgets exists) and to always be right. It's not pretty if he thinks I am taking over decisions that should be his. I am ready to take over now, but my hubby needs to feel he's still the head of household. So I wait for now.