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Mom is an alcoholic and has taken prescription Benzos for decades. Benzos are known to cause balance/fall issues. She takes them daily and is physically dependent upon them. She lives alone down the street from me. I have witnessed self-destructive/careless behavior from her since she was in her late 60s, which is around the time her strange falls began. The first serious fall was in 2010-2011 when she broke her hand severely, and then refused the surgeon's physical therapy because she said she was old and "would not live much longer" (she was only 68-69). As a result her hand is now minimally functional. Last year she had a broken shoulder, broken part of spine, and two weeks ago she took two more serious falls and thinks we now need to go back to the spinal doctor. Her knees are often swollen and bruised, her arms are often bruised and there have been two black eyes.


Because of her behaviors over the last decade, I cannot/will not live with her. My husband says he will move out if I move her in (I have a very happy marriage that I will NOT sacrifice). It seemed ideal to have her living down the street and I would be able to watch over her. She is a hermit, no friends and there are no other relatives (I am an only child). I am 52 and still work more than full-time. She refuses to discuss any other living arrangements for her. We live in the Orlando, FL area where there are quite a few senior-type apartments, but she will not hear of it. I believe she belongs in assisted living, but any mention of that to her results in a threat to commit suicide. I feel she is making her own decisions and she has the ability to damage my life, so I keep her at arms-length. Any advice from the Forum???

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So, made it through the storm okay (the hurricane weather, not mom!)?

Does mom still drive? If not, how would she fill an Rx or did they just hand her some?

With all the buzz about opioids, it it scary to read how someone can be given these so nonchalantly, without regard to anything else she is taking (and drinking)... Never mind sending an alcoholic who fell and broke 2 ribs home alone... Are these "doctors" really kids playing with a Fischer-Price medical kit?

Well, it is what it is... she will bring about her own demise and there really isn't a whole lot you can do about it. So long as she is considered 'competent', it is her decision to live life the way she wants. It will be sad to find her when she does go, but in a way it will be a relief. That is really no way to "live" and the worry it brings to you is awful.

Stay strong while swimming Upstream!
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Upstream Sep 2019
disgustedtoo, Yes, Florida got very lucky regarding the hurricane and we are in the center in Orlando so we got nothing but rain and minimal wind.

Mom drives. Regarding the Rx: The docs continually prescribe the Benzos, and have so for decades, despite warnings that they should be limited to short-term use and are known to contribute toward balance issues & falls in older people. She is so physically dependent upon them now that withdrawl would be risky - it could not be stopped cold turkey.

I too am shocked that the opiods were given. That was in the emergency room. She ended up spending 3 nights in the hospital under "observation" and was discharged yesterday with home health care. The regular hospital doctor did not continue with opiods, but instead a strong ibuprophen prescription and pain patches.

I did have to accept several years ago that her lifestyle is her choice. For a while I begged her to change, tried to offer constructive alternatives such as volunteering in the local community, etc. After many tears shed, I came to accept she was choosing her own path and I would just have to do all I could to minimize the effect on my own life. It has made me a harder and more jaded person, even my husband mentioned that the other night.
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UPDATE: Mom fell in her home and broke two ribs. Hospital transported her home, with a prescription for opiods, within 8 hours. Now we've added another injury and a GREAT prescription to mix with Benzos and alcohol. When I left mom's house this morning, she was lighting up a cigarette. Oh, and I forgot to mention previously that she takes zzzQuil on a regular basis to knock her out because the Benzos don't do much anymore. What planet am I on???
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dlpandjep Sep 2019
OH - this makes me crazy!  Sending her home - in her condition - with opioids!!  Forgive me.  I know this is your mom and you love her, but this is some of the most self destructive behavior I've ever heard of and the attending physician should've done some checking into her history before prescribing.

I have a loved one who was addicted to pills - Vicodin, oxycontin and anything else he could get his hands on.  When he had a hip replacement, he convinced the doctor that he couldn't stand the pain and needed all the opioids he could give him.  I intervened.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I went to the doctor and those caring for him in rehab and told them he was addicted.  They changed his pain meds and gradually weaned him off the oxycontin and today he's a different man.  Oh, he still takes meds for arthritis, but life is bearable now. 

I know your situation is very different and your mom isn't in a situation where this would work - unless she's admitted to a facility that would keep her for a while.

Dear Upstream, my heart aches for you.  You must be a very strong woman to continue to deal with this heartache.  Hugs to you.
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I feel for you, Upstream. My deceased brother was a heroin addict. They never want to admit they have a problem. I suspect they know deep down. My brother allowed me to set him up in the hospice program shortly before he died.

For years I begged him to go to a drug rehab facility. He always refused. Well, when I was a kid he tried methadone for awhile but it was an outpatient deal. He needed a long term in patient program.

They are afraid of the withdrawal process. Not fun. It’s hard. My brother was a bit different from most addicts. He used to tell me that he learned to control it. I would get so angry and tell him that drugs controlled him, not him controlling them.

But actually he could throw himself in a room cold turkey and detox. Most people can’t do that. Still, he always went back to using but he was not in a situation where he used daily which is unusual.

I don’t care if he didn’t use daily. Being an addict is so hard on the addict and everyone else involved in their lives. Doesn’t matter if it is drugs or alcohol. Addiction is tough.
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Your mother's behavior is typical of an alcoholic.  She doesn't want to go to senior living - or any other arrangement where she can't drink at will.  She is most likely ashamed of her lack of control and that's why she's become reclusive.  The only time she reaches out for help is when the pain is so bad she can't stand it.  Your mother's addictive behavior is destroying her, and sad to say, unless she admits her addictions and reaches out for help, there isn't much you can do for her.  It is HER decision. 

You have a good marriage and you don't want to lose your husband - bless you!  Hold on to him with all your heart.  He comes first.  You are doing the right thing by keeping her at arms length.  There are support groups for families of alcoholics.  You might benefit from attending one. 

God bless you and give you strength.  I have dealt with similar circumstances in my life and I know how devastating it can be.  Many hugs.  💙
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My 90 year old mom was also falling due to drinking and her frailness. She had a prescription that the doctor said was not good for her balance also. We began to water down her wine - eventually giving her bottles of mostly juice and water. And, at first had her take pills every other day until we stopped those also. At her age, we had already got her car and driver's license removed by taking her to testing by a senior driving rehab program.

Her falls have almost completely stopped although her balance is still not great. If you can control what she drinks by supplying her the drinks I think you will find a big change in the falls. Good luck.
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I agree that her care is too much and I would look into getting her moved ASAP.

Re: bringing her to the hospital and refusing to take her home. It is, of course, an option. But, from the medical/hospital side, just let me say that this can be really hard on the patient. If you "granny dump" her and completely wash your hands of her, it puts the facility in a very difficult situation. They need to file for guardianship and that can take MONTHS. With your LO sitting in a hospital room that does not fit the needs of anyone that is not in need of acute care.

So, I would suggest that you instead try to get her placed somewhere with your assistance. If she goes to the hospital, help them place her so it can happen quickly. From home, work with someone to make it happen as well.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
"Granny dropping" is wrong on so many levels. Even if you try it, it isn't likely to work as "planned." Many states still have filial laws, and even if you cannot afford to pay for a facility or take someone in, there are likely rules/laws in place that will bite you in the end if you "dump and run." Unless someone is deemed incompetent, the hospital probably will do nothing more than send the person home if there is nothing medical to treat. If they are deemed incompetent, they will likely be looking for family to take the person or make arrangements. If they are incompetent, dropping them at the hospital is NOT going to solve anything. The staff isn't likely to want to deal with gaining guardianship, etc - they are there to treat medical issues, not manage someone's care.

OP's mom has been hospitalized multiple times and the hospital has sent her home. Even Baker-act didn't work. Placing her isn't likely to work either - mom is NOT going to agree to this and you can't force her to. So long as mom is deemed 'competent', no one can force her to move or stay in the hospital or go for addiction treatment.

As I noted elsewhere, bad decisions and stupidity do NOT equal incompetence. The best OP can do is keep mom out of her own home and ensure protections are in place so no one can blame her for anything (see EC attorney.)

3) OP says "...They have sent her home with transport..."
4) OP said: "...the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent..."
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Hey up. Thank him for his service. The 911 operator when they called told stepbro not to go. Said the sheriff department would meet them if key available but it would not be something family should see after a week no contact. My brother had his FIL living with them and he passed away when they were away for weeks trip. His best friend had to let first responders in and won’t talk about it to this day. It’s not the same as funeral home in suit is all he’d say.
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My stepfather refused to quit drinking. He got old and sick. Nope only care on his terms. Moved into a trailer when my mother would NOT take him in post divorce and heavy drinking. But you must care for me! Nope. Ignored offers from his son because he had to quit drinking to live in house with kids. Finally found after wellness check a week after he died. One blessing is stepbro didn’t find him! If she doesn’t respond to knock, call 911. Not the memory to carry with you and first responders are trained to deal with it.
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Upstream Aug 2019
Guestshopadmin, My husband worked as a first responder for about 20 years. We have discussed the steps if I were to find her dead or dying. Sadly we've had to do that between the falls, alcohol, Benzo abuse and continual suicide threats for several years.
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I am the poster. I just want to thank everyone for chiming in with their thoughts. It has really made me feel better. I am in Orlando, FL, and now we are dealing with the hurricane approaching on top of everything else. I appreciate that everyone took the time to give me their opinion, and I feel supported and stronger today as a result!! I think at least one person suggested I get therapy for myself. I have considered that, but the support on this forum has been spectacular and I'm not quite ready for a therapist yet. I've been on Agingcare for at least 5 years now. I recognize some regulars among the responses such as Jacobsonbob, Countrymouse, Llamalover47, Daughterof1930, Okiegranny, and others, and I just want to thank you for your support, and everyone else that responded to my rant.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2019
Having a "safe" place to vent, repeat oneself, complain about a LO's behavior, and so on (therapy) is great, but having a FREE place to do that is even better! Sometimes we just need to get it all out, and that might happen or repeat often. I do know that when you do this with other family, friends, co-workers, they tend to not want to hear it again. You can end up driving people away. We here do, on some level, understand, even if our circumstances are different.

Stay safe in that storm, if it decides to hit your area!

And repeat - NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!
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To jacobsonbob about guilt: so agree that Upstream has done nothing wrong and wouldn't really BE guilty of neglect or lack of caring, but I think it would be hard not to second guess or chastise one's self for turning away from someone so obviously in trouble. And your own mothrr, at that! I wish Upstream COULD turn away guilt free. The severity of her mother's behavior is way beyond anything any lay person should attempt to handle.
Hey, Upstream! We are all here backing you up. Up Your mother's needs are way "above your pay grade." Please do not beat yourself up if you break free of her demands and rejections.
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So sad that your LO is abusing alcohol AND benzos. She needs help. If you want, PM me about a program called Reformers Unanimous, which is where she can help for all kinds of stubborn habits. Good luck. Hope to hear from you.

Llamalover47
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger has some wonderful advice on dealing with toxic relatives. No, you must not bring this woman into your home, and her suicide threats are merely attempts to manipulate you. I agree with the person who said you should tell her you will call 911 the next time she says that. Then alert her doctor or a medical professional as to what she has said.

Under no circumstances should you let her ruin your life. As a Christian, I believe we must be sure our parents are cared for properly in their old age, but that does not mean we must endure any kind of abuse from them.
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Wow. Dementia is one thing, bad enough, but to have someone who is self-abusing and refusing to help themselves... As the saying goes, you can lead them to the water...but...

I agree that whoever the doctor is should be ashamed of him/herself for prescribing these drugs over and over. I disagree that you interfacing with the doctor is going to change much. Mom is still "competent" and can make all the bad choices she wants. Even with dementia, we cannot force someone to do what is best for them if they are refusing (been there, done that!)

Stick to that mandate that you will NOT take her into your home! Talk about inviting the devil in!!! Both the alcohol and the meds are addictions and WE cannot cure addictions. The person *MUST* want to change, otherwise any attempts are fruitless. Even being locked up and "dried out" they can still return home and start over again.

Suggestions for finding a "place" for her and moving her are well-meaning but are not going to happen. You have NO control over your mom and have no authority to move her against her wishes. I seriously doubt any AL would take her in, given her "issues." Even if she agreed and went there sober, the drinking would resume and she would likely get tossed out! They are AL, not rehab centers for alcoholics and drug addicts.

Even suggestions to get guardianship are not likely to work out. She is NOT incompetent. Stupidity and addictions do not equal incompetence.

The good news is that it appears FL is NOT one of the Filial Laws states. Despite that, it might be a good investment to meet with an Elder Care attorney to discuss the issues and see if there is a way you can protect yourself from any condemnation AND keep her out of your care/home. S/he might even be able to make suggestions for how the "others" (hospital staff, social workers, etc) can handle the situation. One would think they wouldn't release someone who is a danger to themselves, but clearly they have done it already! From what I have heard/read about APS, you can try them, but I wouldn't hold my breath....

Repeat often - NOT in my house, Not in my house, Not in my house!

(one of my uncles died fairly young - liver I think - due to booze. He wasn't very elderly, but certainly too young to die from normal causes. I wouldn't have considered him an alcoholic, but clearly too much booze over the years took its toll. Another uncle did drink too much and it impacted his bones, making them soft, causing falls and breakage. His last fall was one too many - hit the bathtub and it was all downhill from there.) NOT in my house, NOT in MY house, NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!!

Also, no guilt. She made her bed and continues to lie in it. There is nothing ANYONE can do to change her bed. There's no point to making your life miserable trying to change anything.
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Take her to the doctor who is prescribing the med and let him know he has a hand in all this. She needs to be hospitalized to get off the meds and to dry out from the alcohol. If you have access to that dr's patient portal where you can send a message, then contact them that way (written notice) that she is coming in due to the number of falls because of the drinking and the (specific) medicine that he prescribes. You wanted to let him know, in advance, the reason for the visit so you do not have to interject too much into the conversation during the visit and he has a heads-up. Also, that because of the falls she possibly needs to be in rehab to w/draw under medical supervision.

They should be able to do specific blood tests to check alcohol and drug levels and proceed from there. If there is no patient portal, then send a letter and keep a copy. Ask them to call you with appt time/date when they get the letter.
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Upstream Aug 2019
my2cents, Sadly, she is so physically dependent upon the Benzos that she goes into severe withdrawl if they are out of her system for 36-48 hours. Kicking that med after 30+ years of dependency, could take up to five years itself and would require my continual oversight, like possibly moving in with her. I see no end to the Benzos.
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Take care of yourself first! If you need to vent or help with coping, perhaps you could see a therapist for your own needs. Sorry to say, but your mother is attempting to commit suicide on a daily basis. If she won't save herself and she won't let anyone else help to save her, then you have done all you can do. Pray for strength. You are human, but do not need to be codependent with her. Save yourself!
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First of all, do NOT, no matter what happens, allow her to live with you. Youl would be dammed to live in hell - NO, NO, NO. She is an alcoholic and a stubborn, difficult mule who threatens suicide. Well, let her rant and rave - she obviously is not fit to take care of herself. Go find a place to put her and then on the day, have her taken out for ride or lunch or whatever, and then meet your helpers and physically remove her into the home. They will watch so nothing can happen to her and they might be able to control her. She has brought this on herself - not you. So just do it and be strong. You have to watch out for YOU.
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Keep hubby & ditch mommy - you can't be superdaughter with someone who refuses help - good luck
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Sixpacbabe Aug 2019
I agree! Always remember, you did not put her in this situation. Getting old and needing care is one thing. When they have an addiction and the doctor continues to give her a script for what is hurting her, that's just crazy. I quit my job over three years ago to take care of my mother in law. Little did I know she had dementia worse than we thought. She was always treated like a queen by her husband. Now I know why. She is a b... and just thinks she deserves to have everyone cater to her. Well I didn't grow up that way and I told her I am not her husband and she met her match. I will take care of her but not get taken advantage of. In the beginning her sisters used to take care of her once in a while to give me a break. This lasted until they realized what she was all about. Now they don't even come to visit. It is me 24/7. I don't have a life right now. We have locks all over the house. I have to turn all the circuit breakers off for the kitchen. She does things that would curl your toes. She used to smoke and drink. I stopped that because I didn't want our house burned down and the drinking would also cause her to fall so we don't have any in the house. The doctors had her on heavy meds which was crazy. She was hallucinating and just sitting on the floor and not getting up. Since I am with her so much I got to know what would trigger her and noticed how the meds reacted on her. We admitted her in the hospital psychiatric ward for 12 days. They would not keep her any longer. I told them her meds need to be cut down. They are all wrong. It was making her worse. They did what I told them and when she was released I took her to her psychiatrist. She even cut her down more on the dosage. It did not cure her but it did make things a little easier for her to cope and for me to handle her. Dementia has know cure but upping dosage to psychotic drugs also does not help. What I am saying is, if you take your mother into your home you will have a battle with her every day. She will fight you on everything you try to do even if it is right. You have to fight the system in order to get things right. She does not want help as far as you can see but understand she has two addictions that are mind altering. She needs to get help in a good facility to take her off of both. She has to have no access to any drugs or alcohol. Otherwise this will get worse and you can't do a thing about it. Hopefully she is not driving because she is not only going to harm herself but could harm someone else. He license needs to be taken away from her. It's obvious she is unable to control herself so someone has to control her. It is not your fault she is like this so you should not feel guilty. She does not see the harm she is doing not only to herself but to you. Just stay strong and reach out to professionals. There is a place for her you just have to keep looking. It's tough but when you do find it you will be in a better place. She will probably say she hates you but you just have to look the other way and don't listen to her. You know it's for her own good. Don't destroy your life for what she has done to hers. She is also looking for sympathy and attention. It will not get better unless you find the proper help or if you choose don't talk to her. Tough love or you will not make it through this. It could get very ugly before it gets better.
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So glad to see this thread. There is a situation in my family similar to this. An alcoholic with repeated falls and dependent on medication. Has impaired judgment, lives in an untenable position but refuses to do anything to change things. Whenever a crisis happens and it seems like this time "something will have to be done", all of a sudden he rallies and can convince outsiders he is perfectly logical and able to take care of himself. Guilt all way round, and divided family on how much should be done for him.
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Maybe she will consider an adult day program. However, if she is "using" they will not allow her to participate. She may also agree to more safety features in her home - grab bars in the bathrooms for toilet and tub, handrails in hallways, remove area rugs, brighter lighting, moving furnishings so there is more room to maneuver and less tripping hazard. If she is falling out of bed, there are side rails you can buy for non-hospital beds. Do an inventory of her meds. Some medications have side effects of "thinning the blood" and makes bruises form more easily. She might agree to be checked for osteoporosis and take meds to strengthen her bones. If her balance is unsteady, see if she would agree to use a cane or walker and good shoes to improve her balance.

You are wise to put boundaries/limits on what you should and should not do. If she is mentally competent, she has the right to decide how she wants to live and accept the consequences of her actions - real painful to watch. If you are a person of faith, pray for her safety.
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My father too is an alcoholic and we struggle with our options for the future. He also has dementia with little insight as to his actions. It is very stressful on children who are left to care for their loved ones when they fight everything you deem in their best interests. The situation will get worse for you & the loved one. I know it’s coming for me. I know you feel many emotions. It all awaits a major accident or a stronger you to take action against your mother’s wishes. Watching & witnessing is hard. I have had to reduce my visit durations as it’s hard on me & him...I am his dumping ground for his emotions which weigh heavily on me. But he won’t do anything to change. Do what it takes to live your own life fully. It’s hard. I think we will have regrets no matter what. We both know assisted living is best for them - if AL will even entertain the situation. Alas, Emotions get in the way and we procrastinate.
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Upstream Aug 2019
Kingsbridge: I can so relate to your comment "I am a dumping ground for his emotions". It's the same way for me. I find it so ironic because growing up my mom would never take the time to hear my young dramas or problems. She would always tell me "wait till I grow up and have adult problems", or she would just say I was spoiled and that she had had such a more difficult childhood. So I learned not to share a lot of my real true problems/issues with her. Now it makes me so mad to be her dumping ground. LOL now she just keeps pulling the age-card and saying I just don't know what it's like to be so old, so I just can't understand. A few weeks ago she told me my "time was coming" and I then I would find out what it's like to be old & alone :(
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What an awful situation you are in. It seems like you should give up trying to intervene in care your mother's care. She is an independent adult. You are not her caretaker, so I wouldn't think you could be held liable for neglect.
If she were to be institutionalised long term against her will, she would just have to be angry there. Her suicide threat might be real or might just be a manipulative tool. If she carried through with it, you would be done with her problems, but I'm sure you would suffer overwhelming guilt!
What a dilemma!
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jacobsonbob Aug 2019
...or maybe by this time Upstream WOULDN'T suffer from overwhelming guilt because she hasn't done anything wrong and can't prevent something that her mother is determined to do. If her mother follows through, I hope Upstream DOESN'T punish herself for it.
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I am the Poster: I want to thank everyone for responding, and mostly for your support!!!!! This situation is so horrible and so hard to explain to anyone. I feel like I am walking around with a few bricks around my neck all of the time.

Mom has been hospitalized for either falls or Benzo withdrawl/overdose 5-6 times since March 2018. She always has excessive alcohol in her system. She's been Baker-Acted at least twice, and has done four rounds of stays at a mental health facility. In June 2018 the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent, so I learned my lesson then not to show my face when she is admitted.

I've tried to let the "system" intervene but they keep releasing her and then we just do it all over again. My fear is that if I force the issue of moving into some type of facility and she is kicked out, then I am stuck with her because her house will have been sold. She can be extremely nasty, dropping the "F" bomb all over and I've had to apologize for her behavior in public several times.

This morning I drove by the cemetery where my parents purchased their plot, and I thought to myself that when they are (finally) gone, I will NEVER set foot in that cemetery. I will not be the somber visitor bringing flowers, I will only feel relief that I got my life back. Both parents have been a mess for a decade now, both abused alcohol, Benzos, and brought all of their drama to my doorstep. I want to run away :(
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Daughterof1930 Aug 2019
I just read your story. God bless you for still caring at all after such a long and hard ordeal. Seems to me the priority here is your own emotional and mental health. So glad you have a strong marriage and job, other positives in your life to focus your energies toward. Your mom has made her own sad choices and there’s nothing in your power to change them, addicts always find a way to get what they crave and are controlled by. I hope you’ll limit your exposure to this and take good care of you!
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You could start Guardianship procedures. This is an expense but one she will ultimately pay for. And it entails paperwork that you will have to do as well as occasional court visits. Once you have Guardianship if you do not feel she is safe at home (and it does not sound like she is) you could place her in Assisted Living. (problem with that is she may be able to just walk out since AL's are not locked.)
Another option ..next time she threatens to commit suicide call 911 and explain that she is threatening to harm her self. They will take her to the hospital and there you can tell the doctors and social workers that she is not safe at home. They can help come up with options. You may also want to discuss with an Elder Care Attorney what the situation is and get as much in place as possible. This would be anything from Guardianship to POA for health, finances and Will. Discussing this and getting it set up may be beneficial down the road.
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I would first see a lawyer. Not for her, for you. If you do not have any POA or other legal responsibilities and do not want them (why would you?) there could be some paperwork you can file stating as much so you are not responsible for your mother in any legal way.
You already have your father's care on your plate. That's enough.
Odd things can happen when you are a presumed caretaker especially to a narcissistic parent. There was a woman and her daughter who moved in with the mother/grandmother who was unable to care for herself. When the woman laid down on the floor one day and refused to get up they called the EMS and police who said they could not force her to get up. They got her a pillow and blanket and kept trying to get her up. She would not even allow them to clean her up. Several calls to EMS and always the same - she is of sound mind legally and we can't force her to move. The woman died there on the floor. The daughter and granddaughter are now in jail for 5 yrs for elder abuse/neglect because they didn't do enough. Had they left the home, they still would have been found guilty because according to the state they didn't try hard enough (though no one in court could say what they should have done). I spoke for them in court because I worked with the woman who I knew to be horribly inept at self care and extremely demanding and narcissistic. I am sad I could not help more but it was a warning loud and clear. When my own mother suffered a spontaneous break of her dominant hand as she leaned on her walker to get up not one of us was willing to take on moving in with her (she was much like your mother but not with the meds, just the attitude). We took that opportunity to have her brought to the ER and from there made it clear to the nurses she had no where to go and no one to move in with her or to take responsibility. She was put in the care of a social worker who tried to get her to have a caretaker move into her home but when she refused living with someone she was packed off to a nursing home. In this case your smartest move is to legally absent yourself from her life. With people like this it's either you are all out, or all in.
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Upstream Aug 2019
StandYourGround: That is some crazy stuff!!! I have actually taken some photos and videos of my mom's behavior and words, because I am concerned about the possibility of being accused of some type of neglect. Last year I began reaching out to family members (all live far away) to give them a run-down of what has been going on, so that they won't be shocked if something bad happens. I have videos of my mom stating she wants to die. Yesterday she told me she is "ready to move to the grave".
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If you feel she is a danger to herself, you can call 911 and get her Baker Acted--they will detox her up in the hospital (hopefully) and psychiatrists will assess her competency. Go from there. Alcohol and benzos can cause worse than falls--they can cause coma.
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RedVanAnnie Aug 2019
Upstream said mother has been Baker Acted twice but then sent home where the bad behavior resumes. Does anyone know if there are laws or provisions for involuntary institutionalization beyond the 72 hours dictated by the Baker Act?
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It sounds like your mother has put you in an untenable position and is keeping you there with threats of suicide. She is dragging you down with her. Because has put you in this position of fear - do the sane, sound thing to protect yourself, she will suicide- I know it is beyond difficult, but outside help is required. If you use Internet, just go online and start reaching out. I think you'll be surprised how much help there is. Hugs and hang in there. You're a hero.
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Nw it is Time to Involve Adult protective Services to End the Madness and the Sadness...Please, call them.
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Have you spoken to her doctor about all this, They would be able to determine whether she is even mentally capable of making her own decisions any more. If she’s falling, not taking care of injuries and threatening suicide that often it doesn’t sound likely . Once that decision is reached then, whether your mum likes it or not, her care will be determined for her. Sure they might try and involve you but you can explain that whilst you love your mum and want her safe, you cannot help her personally.
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upstream, your last post about going at noon instead to get her wine makes me sad! There’s not going at all. I don’t like where you’re trapped. I do think you should find the right place for her based on your research and all factors you determine, then next fall she goes to the hospital then next step discharged to the place you chose. I’m furious about her putting you solely in charge of dad. I often post here how much I believe in counseling, and AA like margaret proposed is a great idea! For you. No wonder you feel so swashed about, she’s a human storm.

You’re so lucky to have your hubby and your business, to me they (and your dad) get your first energies. From another only child, who’s been saddled and manipulated for a looong time, I think it’s time for you to dig deep and become a new set of strategies and responses. Bless you in this journey. DEPART! 😀💐
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Upstream Aug 2019
Zdarov, Thank you so much for the reassuring words. It means a lot to me. I am reaching the end of my rope with these two and the Sh*t storm they have put me through for years now.
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I hate to say it but you may have to simply disconnect from your mother until she decides it's time to get herself help which may never happen.
One thing to remember is once you were to let your mother move in you'd be locked in pending court actions to have her removed the process alone would be devastating, you're doing the right thing by not allowing her into your home and around your family.
If your mother starts taking about suicide because she's not getting her way you can 'Baker act" her for her own safety but keep in mind once again the resentment you'll be facing after the fact....
You're dealing with a lot my thoughts and prayers go out to you, you're in a somewhat no win situation so protecting yourself and your family should be your main priority.
I wish I had better advise to give you in this situation but what your mother is doing isn't illegal and as long as she has the mental capacity to know right from wrong no one is going to step in and help, we can not force our wills and wants no matter how good the intentions onto another, she's making her own decisions it has nothing to do with you.
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Upstream Aug 2019
madhatter632, Thank you so much! Yes, everyday I tell myself "I didn't cause my parents' problems, and I can't solve them". That gets me through. Ten years ago I begged and cried and asked them to live a better lifestyle, but living on wine & Benzos (no food) takes its toll eventually - dad ended up in a dementia-care home by the age of 78 and mom is just a kook. After a couple of years of trying to intervene, I put up the wall of self-protection and that's where I live now.
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