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My sister in law, that lived with my mil, died in February of this year so we had to move in with my mil. She's 80 years old and can't live alone. I believe she has alzheimers, but she hasn't been to a doctor for years now so she's never been diagnosed. My mil refuses to bathe and I'm disgusted by this! She has a little dog in the house and it's never been house trained so it uses the bathroom all over the house, and she claims she can't see to clean it up. The "I can't see" line is used every time it's convenient for her, but she sees just fine! The "I can't see" line is also used every time she uses the bathroom and leaves her mess all over the toilet. She doesn't want us to wash her clothes! This place stinks! She sneaks around a lot, goes through our stuff, and takes things out of our bedroom. We've had to install locks on our bedroom door and my 16 year old sons door to keep her out.The biggest issue is the dog. I hate that dog! We try to get my mil to eat. but she wants to give it to the dog. We buy steak, cut it up for her, and she gives it all to the dog. We go buy her a Sonic burger, she takes 2 bites and gives the rest to the dog. Everything we give her, she gives to the dog.My husband has told her to stop, but she sneaks and does it anyway. She's doesn't want to eat anything but sweets. She's going to die and we will be blamed, but we can't get her to eat! Let me say, before we moved in here, I cared a lot for this woman, but not anymore. We have been here for about 7 months now, and I've never even sat on her furniture because it's too nasty. We live in our bedroom, because we can't stand to be in the front of the house. I go to my mothers house to cook our supper because I'm disgusted by the smell here. The absolute worst part, the part I have cried myself to sleep over more than once, is I have a 2 year old little boy that's being raised in one room. We can't let him go into the living room, down the hall, or in the kitchen because of that nasty dog. When we 1st moved in I kept the floors swept and mopped because of the dog using the bathroom. But I could sweep and mop and 5 minutes later there's puddles of dog urine. I decided the dog didn't need a clean floor to piss in. My husband or mil cleans up after the dog, and I stay back here trying to entertain a 2 year old. I'm so tired of these bedroom walls. I've begged my husband to send her to a nursing home, but he says he can't until her mind is completely gone because she's always told them to never put her in one. Everyday I think about leaving, but I don't want to take my son away from his daddy. I know I sound like the bad guy in all this, maybe I am, but I can't take this. I'm suppose to make sure my kids grow up in a clean environment and now I've brought them into this hell. What do I do? Do I leave my husband? Do I keep pressuring him about the nursing home? Or do I just keep living in this bedroom, for possibly another 5-10 years, and wait for life to be normal again?

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Sorry Captain, but at least the dog could probably be trained.
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a good spouse is a rarity and a treasure , be careful about throwing that away . if you cant stand that filthy dog that isnt going to get better and possibly constitutes the bulk of your agitation . some people love pets , some people find them annoying and disruptive . my renter upstairs had two untrained dogs in my house and they stank up the home and the entire top of the hill . i seriously regret not tossing the animals out months before i did . i say get rid of the animal and get control of your household by any means necessary . you dont deserve to live in a dog kennel . the elder care on the other hand can be quite personally rewarding if you study to learn all you can about it and become good at it . im not saying MIL will ever appreciate all your doing for her but you will know your doing a wonderful thing and in turn develop a h*ll of sense of accomplish from it .
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lili, the person you describe has advanced dementia and needs full time supervision and guidance now - it is not pleasant, but it is also not her fault. She will need someone to remind her and guide her through every step of every process or she simply will not do it. If that level of care can't be provided at home, or she totally resists the reminders and help to wash and tend to hygiene and wear protective undergarments, then you are right about finding a facility. I'm guessing husband does not want to realize what is happening either...granted, it is very hard.
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I am in the same situation darling oh how I understand you I live with my mother in law for a about 7 months now . Be honest I have never seen such a piggy wiggy woman in my life before she is 85 years old and she lost her mind completely she dose not remember anything neither me and my son sometimes she asks my husband who is that woman with the kid. We live in the same house.I have use to not to pay attention to her at all like she is not house but she gets mad at me for that she complains to her other relatives and my husband that I constantly ignor her and me and my husband always fight over that but I can't take it anymore either she drives me nuts. She feeds our dog with the food I cook for us like when we are having supper dinner or breakfast she eats half of it and the other half goes to the dog she throws the food right down on the floor or other moment she likes to share her plate with the meal on it with the dog when you ask her why does she do it she says I just like the dog by the way we have a cat too the cat had used to pee all over the house before we start to live together my husband had to put her down in the basement thanks to him. I told my husband to take her to a nursery home but he does want to but she needs extra care now recently she started to poop her pants up her room oh my god its garbage damp her shitty panties everywhere her dirty clothes she never wash her hands after using bathroom and not only bathroom she never wash her hands at all Never takes a bath either. I dont let her to hold my baby and my husband gets offended A couple weeks ago my sister in law invited us for supper and she saw her mother's dirty hands they were awfully muddy she made her wash them. And she likes going through the garbage after I through something out to it. I was thinking about to rent an apartment to live separately from her because I can't stand it anymore one thing amazes me that none of her relatives cares about her she got so many grandchildren and children as well but they don't even come over to visit her once in a while if only you take her to see them. I understand she is an old person if something like this happened to my mom I would ask help I would take her to a nursing home and visit her every day because as it says an old person is like a child but that not true an old person is much worst than a little child if there is nobody who can help you in your family I think you should ask for help .
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Honestly this is not something that you can take on all by yourself when you have a family to raise. Either go back home, get MIL to hire help, or she needs to go into a nursing home.
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Maybe Bethy is cleaning. Or walking the dog. It could take a while.
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Rovana, my feeling is - or was, Bethy does indeed seem to have gone away - that since she has made this, i.e. the house including MIL, her home she needed to take control of it. So yes, a good deal of unappreciated donkey work (downside) but also a decision to assert herself as the person in charge of how this house gets run (upside). But pussyfooting around and feeling wretched and being unable to provide your kids with any kind of decent living space? No. Time to fight back. Or at least time to insist on the quid pro quo - we take good care of you, and in return we take charge of how it's done. Yes the fur might fly, but a younger adult, especially with the health authorities and (ideally) her husband as back-up, is eventually going to win. Or that's how I felt anyway.
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Countymouse, why should Bethy do all this work and persevere in dealing with MIL? She has no obligation after all. She is not a serf. Better to just leave MIL to her own mess and then call APS or the Health Dept. to report unsafe conditions. Force the issue. Life it too short and after all Bethy has children that she is really responsible for...she's tried, gotten nowhere so now MIL can do it on her own til APS or the Health Department shuts her down. About time. Sounds like the abuse MIL has been dishing out has gone on long enough. And the dog deserves a decent home. Why should people placate abusers (not someone who is having a bad hair day) but really abusive people? No one has any obligation to put up with this. No one. If MIL is senile, then she belongs in a memory care unit. When you live too long, unpleasant compromises generally have to be made - not nice, but reality. It is immoral to sacrifice someone's welfare, health, even life, to enable an elder that thinks they have a right to have their lives continue smoothly along a preferred course. And reading the original post I did not get the impression that DIL entered into any reasonable agreement freely to provide care- sounds like husband hauled her into it. Nor has/is DIL being fairly compensated. And I cannot imagine that anyone would really be able to or even want to live like a "family" under these conditions. A family is not just a collection of people sleeping under one roof.
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Hold on. Bethy's MIL is 80 years old. Bethy is an adult woman with two growing children. God willing, she also enjoys average strength and health.

Buy some stout rubber gloves and a large bottle of disinfectant.
Clean up.
Thereafter take the dog for regular walks. Train 11 year old to do that too, safely.
Stop accusing MIL of 'sneaking around' her own house. It's HER house!
Set about living like a family in a family house. Include MIL in this.
Be kind, and persevere. Part of the deal is that you're supposed to be taking care of this elderly woman. So do that. Yes, she will resist. That's why you have to keep at it.

Did you think it would be easy?
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The first thing that stands out in these comments is the idea of knowledge being power. It is essential to know what the law actually is, else you can be manipulated/blackmailed into almost any crazy thing. Knowing what is what gives you real power. And with bullies like Bethy's mom, it makes all the difference ...that is about all they understand, unfortunately. Also, the safety of the children - always before MIL. What on earth is husband thinking of? Probably been cowed by years of mom's bullying, but Bethy, you are tougher, if you only know it.
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I believe Social Services should get involved. She apparently cannot take care of herself, and her dog, and her home. So what's the question? They can assist!! You also should not be living in deplorable conditions, so if SS gets involved there IS an answer....They can take action for you....
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He's worried about breaking his mother's heart? What about yours? The day he married you was the day that the two of you became family. His mother is now extended family. He needs to be putting you and the kids first. He married you, not her. Take yourself and your kids and go back home. I'd be more worried about CPS than I would elder neglect at this point. Once you get out of there you can call APS and have them do a welfare check. They'll take it from there and if you're not staying there you won't have to worry about your kids being taken away.
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This could be my MIL, to a T, except there is no dog. Her house was absolutely filthy, the refrigerator a science project, and I visited no more often than I could help it. All attempts to clean it and help keep it clean (when she would be in the hospital, we would frantically clean everything we could, purge the refrigerator, carry off trash, etc) and she would be furious when she came back home. There is no way we could have lived with her. I didn't even want to sit on her furniture, and would not eat her cooking after getting violently ill the first couple of times.

After she broke her hip, and went to rehab, we had assisted living lined up as "part of her continuing rehab" for when she got out.

Please take your kids and get out. You may be surprised how fast your husband realizes that he doesn't want to live with his mother in all that squalor. He is a big boy and this is his decision to make. Hugs to you.
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Bethy if you are still there. never mind elder abuse, how about child abuse? Anyone with authority that came into that home would have your kids baby and teen in fostercare before you could pack a bag for them. if you teen's teachers get wind of these conditions (overhearing him complain to a friend) they are manadted reportes and MUST call the State to get the children taken care of. maybe he goes to the school nurse some something minor and she smells his clothes and asks a few friendly questions (Yeah, Mom can't get the stink out) She also is a mandated reporter and he may bot even make it home from school CPS will pick him up from there imagine that.
You are not leaving your husband you are protecting your husband. now elder abuse may come into it if MIL has an accident and has to go to the ER and when they put her into the mandatory hospital gown they find her body covered with ulcers, rashes and caked on poop, hers not the dog's although her shoes won't be too pleasant. Hospital staff are all mandated reporters too.
Think about it please if you are still with us. Everyone has the best intentions even if you don't care for the advice. MIL is not your problem you have done all you can, now pretect your
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First of all, you need a safe, clean, sanitary environment not only for humans, but the dog is ruling the household. Either decide who is more important, humans or animals. Then either get your mother-in-law and dog to another location, and clean up your house, or continue to live in this unsanitary environment which would be cause for abuse not only for the 2 yr. old, but 16 yr. old. I used to work for CPS in AZ, and I would put these children in a safe environment until you and your husband become adults and make this house safe. EVERY parent (older) says they never want to go to a nursing home, so your husband's argument is invalid. So what? Doesn't the sanitary and safe environment for five humans out rule that of an animal. I love my two pets, but they are going to the bathroom outside and I do not have carpeting in case their is an accident. If you have carpeting, get vinyl flooring. Give your MIL a wash cloth with soap and have her take a sponge bath, and tell her she has to wash. Speak up, or you will cause more harm to yourself health wise than you realize by being under so much stress. You need to have a very frank talk with your husband. Advocate for you and those children!
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Well, folks we may have run off bethy13. Profile is real skimpy, closed to hugs and messages. If you see this, Bethy, we're still thinking about you and hoping there is a light at the end of your tunnel that's not an oncoming train.
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Sandwich43plus is right. Senile Squalor really fits what this grandmother is doing. It is relatively common for old people to get to the point where they won't bathe, won't allow people in their homes to clean or take care of them, and are so paranoid that every time something happens they call 911 and report their family for some crime they saw on tv that was mixed with reality in their confused minds.

You have to remove yourself and your children to make them safe, then find a way to force her hand so she has to be admitted to the ER (if she says she will kill herself or others, that works for a psych eval). Once she's in the ER, you refuse to bring her home, and make the hospital social worker find a placement for her. Then your husband can blame social worker and he's off the hook to mom.
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Bethy13,

YOU and your kids should not have to be the ones dealing with your MIL. Your husband needs to step up and do something. You need to address this with him. Help him make the right moves. Living in the condition is NOT healthy for anyone. Their are diseases that you can get just from breathing the crap....

I'm sure you cannot smell yourself, but as you are out and about, people can smell YOU!!! I'm very sensitive to smells and I have been around with "young" people smelling like pee or mothballs.

-ALL of you need to move out, and leave the MIL in the house alone.
-Get Merry Maids or someone who specializes in clearing and cleaning the house.
-Either get a dog trainer, or give the dog away to someone who can take care of it.
- Get a CARETAKER for your MIL. It's cheaper than a NH. This way the caregiver can take care of your MIL. If you get a good one he/she can even cook for her and take care of the dog...providing the dog is trained.
You can probably get away with a caregiver 8-12, and 5-9 pm. This way you can keep the cost down.

If none of this works then NH it IS!

I cannot see any other options in your situation.
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This page has a link to a word document used to assess squalor in cases of senile squalor/Diogenes Syndrome. It's the Environmental Cleanliness & Clutter Scale. This Catholic charity in Australia has a great toolkit to deal with a situation like this. If you google Diogenes Syndrome or Senile Squalor, there are lots of studies that come up linking it to frontal brain damage.
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Ashlynne I think you raise a good point about differing standards of cleanliness. My take is that bethy13 obviously has a very different standard than her MIL does. Why should her wishes about the environment she raises her children in be less regarded than those of MIL? Her husband's sister died and so they "had" to move in with mom. What? What kind of rule is that? This is as much about husband's mis-placed priorities as it is about what constitutes sanitary conditions.
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https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/neglect/chapterfive.cfm
Look in the Unmet physical & mental needs section. Point #5 specifically asks about urine & feces covered living areas. There are links to other assessment instruments that look into the whole family arrangement, where the child sleeps, plays, and their overall development. Something to keep in mind.
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I think the first thing I would do is hire a cleaning lady and help her clean the house from top to bottom.. yes.. HELP her! And I would do the darn laundry weather MIL wanted it or not. It WOULD get done. Then I would tackle getting MOM a bath, with Hubs help if needed. rules would be made... Someone needs to be the "bad guy" and I guess it will have to be you, for the childrens sake. I would tell her any dang fiblet needed to get this done. And there would be a dog walking schedule for MOM!! Or the dog would "disappear" to another home or a no kill shelter. you could tell her you heard there might be a "home inspection". whatever it takes. And she can pay for the cleaner.. And actually we do have impetigo and "dysentery "in the good old USA... I suspect she is referring to what we like to call "the runs"... which can also be known as C=diff here.. and it's comman and nasty and comunicable.
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Ba8alou, we`re all entitled to our opinions. Have you spent a lot of time in an Amish home ... I doubt it, as they shun :`the English`. Failing to bathe or do laundry, yep that`s a problem which must be addressed, however if she wont bathe maybe she`s afraid of falling. When I bought this wee dilapidated cottage it had a huge whirlpool (didn`t work) tub which, with a hip replacement I was afraid to get into. Sponge bathed for over a year until I could afford to have it replaced with a shower. We do the best we can with what we have.

My mother used pee pads for her little dog but put them down wrong way up so the pee poured off into the carpets. Once she went to the NH I spent $12,000 on paint and carpets to get the house ready for sale. I cared for my mother in her house for four years - she had another four years in her house with her beloved dog (which now lives with me, dog people, and is house clean). Impetigo (I have no idea what that is) and dysentery is usually only seen in third world countries where the water is contaminated and filthy. It`s unknown in North America.
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I'm sorry, Ash. Dog urine and feces inside a home, an elder who won't ever bathe or allow her clothes to be washed is by definition squalor. Farm animals who are herbivores and outside in barns are a different story than a meat eating canine indoors. You can eat off the floors in an Amish home. Dirt is one thing. This is impetigo and dysentery waiting to happen.
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Everyone has their own idea of "sanitary". Ever been to an Amish or Mennonite farm late Saturday afternoon? The children have been bathed and are scooting around the barn in the straw/dung while their parents hand milk the cows. No-one ever died from it.

Most of us here are on the elderly side ourselves. Think back to your childhood. In those days (that makes me sound ancient lol) we fell of our bikes, played in the dirt (and often ate it) and in most/many cases there were dogs, cats, birds and other critters in the home - outside maybe pigs, cows, horses, chickens, ducks and what have you. No-one ever died of a little dirt but we ate "real" food, often home grown without pesticides and most everything was made from scratch, not processed to death and full of chemicals like you find in a supermarket now.

Neighbours grow most of their own food and keep chickens. They've always lived that way. He's 84, she's 86 and fitter than I've ever been. My mother is in a NH and has (proudly) been a vegetarian for years - eating fruit and veg from the store, imported and sprayed to death with lord knows what. She's had Parkinsons for 15 years, has had dementia for about 8 years and is close to passing. Makes you think doesn't it?

Me, yep, played in the dirt and always had critters. I now live out in the country with 2 dogs (one, formerly my mother's, sleeps in my bed), 5 cats and a big old goldfish called Ralph. Trying to renovate this poor little old house a room or two at a time and deal with 2 acres, my house is a disaster with stuff everywhere, dust, dog hair and cat hair right now. Am I terribly ill? H*ll no!

In the past week my mother has had another stroke and another fall. I was at the NH this morning and went to shop for her needs/wants, then I mowed for 3 hours with the tractor. The dust, and pet hair? It's not going anywhere - tomorrow is another day - and I've always been as healthy as a horse, no allergies, never go to a doctor..

I'm rambling, sorry, but my point is that a bit of dirt in whatever form never killed anyone ... it's the chemicals in/on our food supply that is making people so ill. Just my two penny worth.
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Leave that house. Take the children. Hubby can stay behind to make some arrangements for Mother. Then he can join you or not, as you decide.
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Bethy; the biggest thing here is that you don't understand what the rules and regulations regarding Elder Abuse are. You think that you and your husband are going to be arrested for manslaughter because MIL won't eat. In fact, you are in much worse danger for exposing your 2 year old to this filthy environment. You need to leave for the health of your children. You need to contact either APS or the Area council on Aging and ask them to do a wellness check. They can advise you about what can be done and what your legal responsiblilities are. Alternatively, you can consult an Elder Care attorney. But I wouldn't do ANY of that while your children remain in the house. This is a situation in which I believe that knowledge is power. By knowing the law, and by reporting the situation yourselves, you do a great deal of CYA! If "something" happens; a fall, she blacks out or some such emergency, call 911 and have the ambulance transport to the hospital. When they want to dishcarge her, don't "accept delivery". Tell them (quite honestly) that you can no longer care for her at home. They will find her an appropriate placement.
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Do you realize you can be brought up on counts of elder abuse for having her live in a nasty house and for child abuse for allowing your child to live in the same home? Leave today - go to a hotel, that other house a relative's. Just go. You can meet hubby at McDonald's and explain that you realized this and you are out of there. You love him dearly, but he has to make a choice between taking care of his family or the woman who gave him birth. "Leave and cleave." Family abuse is never allowable. Move you and the kiddos today!
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ps = I like the other answers! including help for her =
Called Placement in my SG = she goes to some kind
of living where she is helped, a senior residence of
some kind, and there are businesses in CA that
specialize in this, with some kind of government help =
Assessment is made as to health, income, etc and a
Placement plan is suggested, with any payment for
this Placement service made by the place she ends up
living at =
This is how it is done here, have no idea of other
states and cities = there also is low income Section 8
housing, and low income help = Key is finding the
RIGHT person who knows how she might fit in with
whatever programs and services are in your area =
Plus lots of good ideas here, Ggod Luck !!
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If your mil says she cannot see the dog mess, yet moves about the house OK,
then she could have Macular Degeneration, the Wet form, being the worse,
where central vision is lost, with just an outer ring of fuzzy vision, giving her
enough fuzzy sight to navigate the house, cook meals, etc.
I have the Dry form which still gives me Central Vision so I can still drive
and read the mail OK
Best to You !!
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