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First of all, you need a safe, clean, sanitary environment not only for humans, but the dog is ruling the household. Either decide who is more important, humans or animals. Then either get your mother-in-law and dog to another location, and clean up your house, or continue to live in this unsanitary environment which would be cause for abuse not only for the 2 yr. old, but 16 yr. old. I used to work for CPS in AZ, and I would put these children in a safe environment until you and your husband become adults and make this house safe. EVERY parent (older) says they never want to go to a nursing home, so your husband's argument is invalid. So what? Doesn't the sanitary and safe environment for five humans out rule that of an animal. I love my two pets, but they are going to the bathroom outside and I do not have carpeting in case their is an accident. If you have carpeting, get vinyl flooring. Give your MIL a wash cloth with soap and have her take a sponge bath, and tell her she has to wash. Speak up, or you will cause more harm to yourself health wise than you realize by being under so much stress. You need to have a very frank talk with your husband. Advocate for you and those children!
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Bethy if you are still there. never mind elder abuse, how about child abuse? Anyone with authority that came into that home would have your kids baby and teen in fostercare before you could pack a bag for them. if you teen's teachers get wind of these conditions (overhearing him complain to a friend) they are manadted reportes and MUST call the State to get the children taken care of. maybe he goes to the school nurse some something minor and she smells his clothes and asks a few friendly questions (Yeah, Mom can't get the stink out) She also is a mandated reporter and he may bot even make it home from school CPS will pick him up from there imagine that.
You are not leaving your husband you are protecting your husband. now elder abuse may come into it if MIL has an accident and has to go to the ER and when they put her into the mandatory hospital gown they find her body covered with ulcers, rashes and caked on poop, hers not the dog's although her shoes won't be too pleasant. Hospital staff are all mandated reporters too.
Think about it please if you are still with us. Everyone has the best intentions even if you don't care for the advice. MIL is not your problem you have done all you can, now pretect your
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This could be my MIL, to a T, except there is no dog. Her house was absolutely filthy, the refrigerator a science project, and I visited no more often than I could help it. All attempts to clean it and help keep it clean (when she would be in the hospital, we would frantically clean everything we could, purge the refrigerator, carry off trash, etc) and she would be furious when she came back home. There is no way we could have lived with her. I didn't even want to sit on her furniture, and would not eat her cooking after getting violently ill the first couple of times.

After she broke her hip, and went to rehab, we had assisted living lined up as "part of her continuing rehab" for when she got out.

Please take your kids and get out. You may be surprised how fast your husband realizes that he doesn't want to live with his mother in all that squalor. He is a big boy and this is his decision to make. Hugs to you.
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He's worried about breaking his mother's heart? What about yours? The day he married you was the day that the two of you became family. His mother is now extended family. He needs to be putting you and the kids first. He married you, not her. Take yourself and your kids and go back home. I'd be more worried about CPS than I would elder neglect at this point. Once you get out of there you can call APS and have them do a welfare check. They'll take it from there and if you're not staying there you won't have to worry about your kids being taken away.
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I believe Social Services should get involved. She apparently cannot take care of herself, and her dog, and her home. So what's the question? They can assist!! You also should not be living in deplorable conditions, so if SS gets involved there IS an answer....They can take action for you....
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The first thing that stands out in these comments is the idea of knowledge being power. It is essential to know what the law actually is, else you can be manipulated/blackmailed into almost any crazy thing. Knowing what is what gives you real power. And with bullies like Bethy's mom, it makes all the difference ...that is about all they understand, unfortunately. Also, the safety of the children - always before MIL. What on earth is husband thinking of? Probably been cowed by years of mom's bullying, but Bethy, you are tougher, if you only know it.
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Hold on. Bethy's MIL is 80 years old. Bethy is an adult woman with two growing children. God willing, she also enjoys average strength and health.

Buy some stout rubber gloves and a large bottle of disinfectant.
Clean up.
Thereafter take the dog for regular walks. Train 11 year old to do that too, safely.
Stop accusing MIL of 'sneaking around' her own house. It's HER house!
Set about living like a family in a family house. Include MIL in this.
Be kind, and persevere. Part of the deal is that you're supposed to be taking care of this elderly woman. So do that. Yes, she will resist. That's why you have to keep at it.

Did you think it would be easy?
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Countymouse, why should Bethy do all this work and persevere in dealing with MIL? She has no obligation after all. She is not a serf. Better to just leave MIL to her own mess and then call APS or the Health Dept. to report unsafe conditions. Force the issue. Life it too short and after all Bethy has children that she is really responsible for...she's tried, gotten nowhere so now MIL can do it on her own til APS or the Health Department shuts her down. About time. Sounds like the abuse MIL has been dishing out has gone on long enough. And the dog deserves a decent home. Why should people placate abusers (not someone who is having a bad hair day) but really abusive people? No one has any obligation to put up with this. No one. If MIL is senile, then she belongs in a memory care unit. When you live too long, unpleasant compromises generally have to be made - not nice, but reality. It is immoral to sacrifice someone's welfare, health, even life, to enable an elder that thinks they have a right to have their lives continue smoothly along a preferred course. And reading the original post I did not get the impression that DIL entered into any reasonable agreement freely to provide care- sounds like husband hauled her into it. Nor has/is DIL being fairly compensated. And I cannot imagine that anyone would really be able to or even want to live like a "family" under these conditions. A family is not just a collection of people sleeping under one roof.
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Rovana, my feeling is - or was, Bethy does indeed seem to have gone away - that since she has made this, i.e. the house including MIL, her home she needed to take control of it. So yes, a good deal of unappreciated donkey work (downside) but also a decision to assert herself as the person in charge of how this house gets run (upside). But pussyfooting around and feeling wretched and being unable to provide your kids with any kind of decent living space? No. Time to fight back. Or at least time to insist on the quid pro quo - we take good care of you, and in return we take charge of how it's done. Yes the fur might fly, but a younger adult, especially with the health authorities and (ideally) her husband as back-up, is eventually going to win. Or that's how I felt anyway.
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Maybe Bethy is cleaning. Or walking the dog. It could take a while.
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Honestly this is not something that you can take on all by yourself when you have a family to raise. Either go back home, get MIL to hire help, or she needs to go into a nursing home.
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I am in the same situation darling oh how I understand you I live with my mother in law for a about 7 months now . Be honest I have never seen such a piggy wiggy woman in my life before she is 85 years old and she lost her mind completely she dose not remember anything neither me and my son sometimes she asks my husband who is that woman with the kid. We live in the same house.I have use to not to pay attention to her at all like she is not house but she gets mad at me for that she complains to her other relatives and my husband that I constantly ignor her and me and my husband always fight over that but I can't take it anymore either she drives me nuts. She feeds our dog with the food I cook for us like when we are having supper dinner or breakfast she eats half of it and the other half goes to the dog she throws the food right down on the floor or other moment she likes to share her plate with the meal on it with the dog when you ask her why does she do it she says I just like the dog by the way we have a cat too the cat had used to pee all over the house before we start to live together my husband had to put her down in the basement thanks to him. I told my husband to take her to a nursery home but he does want to but she needs extra care now recently she started to poop her pants up her room oh my god its garbage damp her shitty panties everywhere her dirty clothes she never wash her hands after using bathroom and not only bathroom she never wash her hands at all Never takes a bath either. I dont let her to hold my baby and my husband gets offended A couple weeks ago my sister in law invited us for supper and she saw her mother's dirty hands they were awfully muddy she made her wash them. And she likes going through the garbage after I through something out to it. I was thinking about to rent an apartment to live separately from her because I can't stand it anymore one thing amazes me that none of her relatives cares about her she got so many grandchildren and children as well but they don't even come over to visit her once in a while if only you take her to see them. I understand she is an old person if something like this happened to my mom I would ask help I would take her to a nursing home and visit her every day because as it says an old person is like a child but that not true an old person is much worst than a little child if there is nobody who can help you in your family I think you should ask for help .
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lili, the person you describe has advanced dementia and needs full time supervision and guidance now - it is not pleasant, but it is also not her fault. She will need someone to remind her and guide her through every step of every process or she simply will not do it. If that level of care can't be provided at home, or she totally resists the reminders and help to wash and tend to hygiene and wear protective undergarments, then you are right about finding a facility. I'm guessing husband does not want to realize what is happening either...granted, it is very hard.
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a good spouse is a rarity and a treasure , be careful about throwing that away . if you cant stand that filthy dog that isnt going to get better and possibly constitutes the bulk of your agitation . some people love pets , some people find them annoying and disruptive . my renter upstairs had two untrained dogs in my house and they stank up the home and the entire top of the hill . i seriously regret not tossing the animals out months before i did . i say get rid of the animal and get control of your household by any means necessary . you dont deserve to live in a dog kennel . the elder care on the other hand can be quite personally rewarding if you study to learn all you can about it and become good at it . im not saying MIL will ever appreciate all your doing for her but you will know your doing a wonderful thing and in turn develop a h*ll of sense of accomplish from it .
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Sorry Captain, but at least the dog could probably be trained.
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