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I have been caring for my Mom, who lives with me, for 5 years. It has been stressful and a very lonely time for me . I was at the point realizing my life had no joy and I was only existing and not living. Very quickly my social contacts and activities dwindled down to nothing. My Mom's needs became my life. I felt trapped, resentful, tired and depressed....mixed with a huge dose of guilt for feeling this way.



I had a wonderful opportunity to travel to Greece with old friends and I did it! It was such a wonderful experience. I placed Mom in a lovely retirement home, a Respite Care suite. She didn't want to go and did make me feel guilty sending her there, ie. she would refer to it as going to jail.



Well turns out it was the best decision. She immediately made friends, got involved in activities and for the most part enjoyed her stay. The bad part was she had a fall which required a trip to the hospital, thank goodness no broken or fractured bones. She was also diagnosed with a UTI. One of my daughters stepped up and made sure to visit her and offer support so she didn't feel alone.



Long story short, during the 16 days while I was away she seems to be declining and is in no condition to return home. I have extended her stay with the possibility of permanent residence. We will be viewing permanent suites in a few days. I do hope all works out as planned.



I live only a few minutes away from the residence. My hope is this will be the beginning of a new relationship for us. She will have 24-hour care and I will have my freedom back.



My advise to anyone experiencing burn-out is to do something for yourself!!!

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A vacation would be nice but unfortunately, and I hate to say it but... I don't see that happening for me until the end. Where I am, there are no openings for care homes. Even if there were, the cost is beyond my capabilities if I want to live and pay the bills and taxes. It's a minimum of $5000.00 a month with expenses. That's ridiculous! If people don't plan way ahead of time it makes it practically impossible to do. Especially for those of us who are on a fixed budget. So what do we do... We're stuck. Thank God for Hospice. At least I got lucky enough to get their help a couple of days, a few hours, a week. That's my only break. I envy you. I love my Mom and will miss her dearly when she passes on but this is tough mentally and physically and can be heartbreaking at times. Plus I hear some people talk about guilt... that is there too. Just getting up and getting something to eat makes me feel guilty if I don't bring her something too. But if I don't take care of myself I can't take care of her So again... people like me in this situation... We're Stuck. There is no out. It just is what it is, so you live it one day at a time, that's the only way to go about it. It's tough. Never thought it would come to this but for those of you out there who are just letting it slide like I did... Don't! Plan ahead! Trust me, you have to or it will get you the way it got me and it won't be easy. Oh, by the way, just the other day our dear government found it in their heart to cut my EBT benefits (I am a cancer survivor, still with difficulties) now that I take care of my Mom's minimum income. They say it's too much household income to collect since we eat together in the same household. It wasn't even that much but it helped. Great... just what I needed.
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Onlychild07: Good for you; great decision!
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So happy for you I can only dream My mother has no money for assisted living so I have to wait until she can go to a nursing home that Medicaid will pay for I have had her with me for 6 years The last year she has gone down hill so now she is more care but not enough to qualify for Medicaid paid nursing home My daughter is staying with her at my home for a month so I can get a much needed respite vacation Thank goodness for her Being a caregiver when you retire robs you of years of year own retirement I do not recommend anyone volunteer to do it I did and now I am stuck
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AlvaDeer: Although it may sound "tough" perhaps, that's a great way to put it. It's true. At 86 I've pretty much had my life. Our kids deserve theirs.
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Good for you, we did the same thing for a vacation for my husband and I but things didn’t work out so well for us. Perhaps if he would have had a similar set back he could have stayed there. Instead he wore our daughter out running back and forth from our home for things he forgot to take with him, things that he really, for 7 days, done without! He tolerated it at best. Anxious to come back home to the point he had the nurse call us on our last day in Mexico to see if he could leave there a day earlier than planned, a day we were hoping to have just to ourselves in our own home without another person being there.
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Its not will it work out, its it will work out. No ands, ifs, or buts this is now where Mom needs to be. You did 5 yrs of care, its now ur time. Glad you had a nice vacation.

I did not plan on Mom living with me the 20 months she did. Her decline was monthly. (waiting for sale of the house) I wanted to go to my nieces wedding, at a resort, without taking my Mom. It was 8 hrs away for one thing. My Moms Dementia had progressed to the last stages and she was incontinent. So I went to the AL up the street to see if I could get respite care. While there it was explained if I placed Mom by the end of the month, her rent would be 50% off and that would stand for her stay there. That meant she had money for a year and if the house sold, even longer. I placed her. By the time of the wedding, Mom had been there for two months, had acclimated and good with the staff. This made me feel comfortable and I so enjoyed my weekend away.
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Yes! I had taken a trip, and I plan to take more.
Kuddos to you for getting your mom in a home. I can't get my aunt to go, even though that's where she needs to be.
It's hard for the elderly to understand that when they reach a certain point, they need round the clock care, and it's sometimes often difficult for family members to provide it.
Anyway, I hope your mom gets better.
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Good for You! Those who place elders in respite care often find they're happier, more socialized, and better off in general. So all the preconceived notions and stigmas attached to Assisted Living facilities are unfounded. My folks lived in AL for 7 years in total and had a great QOL not to mention a longer LIFE in general due to the care they received. Mom's pneumonia was caught 3x immediately by staff so it was treated early.
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Thank you! I feel stress leaving me. Now looking forward to enjoying retirement!
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My mother fell and conked her head a couple of days after moving into her memory care place. It was an accident that happened due to them not being familiar with her yet, but she survived just fine. She had fantastic care there, and I would recommend that place to anyone.

Stuff happens regardless of where your loved one lives. It's a shame that you had to suffer for five years until you finally got some freedom and your mom received the care she really did need, but congratulations for making that big decision to take time for you at last!
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Onlychild07 Jun 2023
Thank you! Looking forward to enjoying retirement now.
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How wonderful for you! And good luck with the permanent residences. Mom should/could have been there long ago. If your vacation made it possible for her to get where she needs to be, that's a big win-win.

Thanks for posting this. I'm hoping it will help convince some of these die-hard miserable "I'm going to keep mom (husband, father, son, grandma, grandpa, dog) home with me forever even if it kills me" martyrs who won't give up. One can at least hope. (Sigh.)

Congratulations. I mean it.
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Onlychild07 Jun 2023
Thank you!!! Hoping it all works out!
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I honestly applaud you.

Your Mom could have fallen anywhere, including your home. And whether that is even true or not, this trip let you know that there is a life for you to live, and that you should be living it.
Your mom, tough as this sounds, has had her life. You love her and are still participating in her care, but you DO have a life to live and should be living it.
I hope your post helps others.
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Onlychild07 Jun 2023
Thank you! Yes there still life for all of us to enjoy!
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