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My mum has just being diagnosed with "vascular dementia" ive known for 6mths it could be this but to hear it has started to sink in.

I was planning to move away from here as i hate this town im currently living with mum and caring for her on my own siblings abroad and brother nearby no help?

I spoke to my doc today and she said moving your mum from her house to go live in a different place now would be the start of her decline and not a good idea?

Im now finding myself overwhelmed with responsibility now as its up to me whether my mum stays here in her own home or goes into NH. I cant look after her alone its too much and its going to get worse.
Her doc said shes not ready for a NH yet? she still has good memory but will need care?

If she dosnt go into a NH we cant make her until she cant cope at all this is a huge responsibility on me as I just cant have a life here and dont want to live here.

I just dont know what to do now and with my family abroad what can I do? Feel so guilty that my mums future care is all down to how much I can handle.

Cant stop crying and starting to get very down i have a huge choice to make my mum staying in her own home or my sanity?

Has anyone had to make this choice? Its not fair that it all falls on me as im here?

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I have not had to made this unfair choice, so keep that in mind as you read my opinion.

Her doctor may be correct that moving Mom now would cause her to decline more rapidly. Staying with Mom is causing you to decline rapidly! You are no less valuable and worthy than your mother. It is OK to consider not only Mother's needs but also your own.

If she is "not ready" for an NH, perhaps a memory care unit would be more appropriate, ideally one with a whole range of care levels so that she would not have to be moved again.

I understand that vascular dementia shortens the expected life span considerably. While ALZ can go on for decades and Lewy Body often lasts 8 to 10 years, vascular dementia seems to progress faster than that, lasting only a few years. Obviously these are generalizations and no one can say with certainty how long your mother may live. Have you discussed her prognosis with her doctor?

Knowing that this won't be forever, could you tolerate it if you had more in-home help? Would that allow you to have more of a life of your own? For example, if Mom had a hired caregiver during the day so that you could have a job and/or some personal time, would that relieve some of your stress? I realize that you don't like the town you are in, but knowing you won't be there indefinitely, could you make the best of it?

Any chance your brother could be of more help? Have you had a heart-to-heart with him?

You are right that this is not fair that it all falls on you. It would all fall on you if you were an only child, too. It is definitely and completely unfair that your mother has this awful condition. Life is not fair.

If you decide you have to move out, first get your mother situated in the best care center arrangement you can find. Contact her often. Visit when you can. Continue to advocate for her good care.

If you decide you are willing to stay until she dies or perhaps until some interim milestone, such as she is ready for NH, please spend the necessary effort to arrange for help. Do not continue to do all the hands-on care alone. Also be sure to have some respite time.

You have talked to Mom's doctor, which is great. I suggest you talk to some other professional as you struggle with this decision. A medical social worker might be a good choice. You need help finding out what resources are available, both for placement and for in-home care.

I am so sorry that you are facing this, kazzaa. Hugs to you.
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Debralee was so right. The doctor was unfair to say what she did. You will not be the one responsible for your mother's rate of decline. People with dementia often have to move, because caring for them can be so difficult. They may decline when they move, but as Jeanne said, you are as important as your mother. This could go on for years, so you have to decide what is best for everyone involved.

As strange as it seems, most people around here are not hands-on caregivers for their parents. Most of the elders around here live in senior communities. Some are in IL, others in AL, others in NHs. People on this group are actually exceptions to the norm from what I see around me. Kazzaa, you are not unusual in the way you feel. Probably most parents don't want their children to sacrifice their lives, and probably most children are not able to. Follow your own instincts here about what is best and give the statement of the doctor very little weight. There are so many options out there.
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Hi, I can really sympathize as I am also living in a town I have never liked. Luckily my parents don't have severe dementia. The only thing I can suggest is to see if you can find an geriactric social worker (local Dept of Social Services) to help you decide what to do - and the suggestion of a home specifically for seniors with memory problems is a good one. Getting some in home help is a good idea too, if this is something that you can afford. Good luck to you in an unfair situation.
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What is your mother's imput on your dilemna? Is she willing to relocate with you? Or agreeable to in home care, if affordable? If your mother is not ready for a NH maybe assisted living or senior housing. Your mother's decline should not be conditional on your choices. If something happened to you, she would have to move to a different living environment. If you can manage to find a way for your mother's care other than yourself then do it and live your life for yourself!
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Kazzaa" get your mother evaluated by a specialist. Get a Geriatrician to see your mother and evaluate her. Get a "common summary assessment" done. My mother's GP said she was just fine, just old age, well he does not know shit from shinola. His speciality is sports medicine, and he should stick to ball players of rubgy, he just does not have the medical expertise in this area. When the geriatrician specialist determined his medical diagnosis, he said "I am surprised, but he knows best" great comfort, thanks for the mind f**k. Anyhow, I got her into a rehab for respite and from there I got things working. You have to apply for the fair deal nursing home scheme. One she is approved fine a place suitable for her. I got my mother through an act of "God" into a place suitable for her, it is the very place my father was in. It is Catholic and fits her to a tee. She is surrounded by Catholic culture, and believe me this is great for her. You can not do this by yourself, believe me I tried, it does NOT work. Get her into a structured environment that is most suitable to her and do it now, she will get worse worse worse. You will place yourself in peril and I just got to the point of this woman is a danger to herself and me, she not only continued to talk nonsense to the neighbors, I am poisoning her, I am abusing her, no more mom. You have to go and have others take care of you, I still have neighbors leering at me suspicion!
sly and guess what I am the good guy. You have to make things happen now, or else, the prognosis is not good for youl
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So the doc thinks it will be the start of her decline - does he know that she has been telling lies to the neighbors? This paranoia is very much a part of middle AD!

Memory care has worked beautifully for my mthr. Once she was settled in, she LOVED going to the Bingo games, church services, the music productions, movie night, even meals with other people! She was finally social again for the first time since she retired. Not one of the other old folk complains when she tells them the same story, and she readily excuses them telling her theirs - oh, he does not remember he told me that before, and he told a little more each time, so it was very interesting is what she says!

Your mom would love a Memory Care home. I hope you can find one quickly to save your sanity!
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Kazzaa,

In the end, only you know what's best for you. I will share part of my thought process in deciding to move my Dad. He was living on his own and the closest child was a 5 hour drive away. We decided to move Dad sooner rather than later as it seemed that the disruption of a move would get worse and worse. I tried to give him as much control over the process as possible. That means, he got to decide whether to move close to me or close to my sister. Notice that not moving wasn't an option on the table. We went to visit every senior living option in the area where he was moving. He got to choose which was best. In the end, he wasn't excited about the move. However, he got choices along the way that allowed him to feel some control in the situation.

I considered putting my life on hold and moving in with him. That would not have been healthy for either one of us. I would have been miserable where he lived and as a result would have been resentful of being there. If I was stressed and tired, that resentment was bound to show through. That would not have allowed me to do the hard work of care giving. Also, like has been mentioned earlier, Dad is much more social now than he was when living on his own. I stop in and see him almost every day. Because I am not stressed and resentful, I am able to take the time and take him out for fun activities. Also, I realized along the way that as much as I would like to be that infinitely patient caring daughter, I am not. I can be patient for a few hours at a time, and then... I get a bit cranky. That would not have been good for either of us.

I hope there is a nugget in there that might be helpful.

Take care of yourself.
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Thanks guys i feel alot better now. I have decided that my mum is going to decline whether shes with me or not. My biggest fears were to force her against her will into NH so I am putting my foot down when family arrive end of month that she moves with me and I look after her until she gets worse then a NH near me I am quite happy to look after until I can BUT on my terms i think this is the best she will not manage here on her own in a 2 story house and my bro was here for an hour today and SNAPPED at her as she didnt understand something I was fit to burst. Its ok for me to snap when shes being unresaonable with me but im here 24/7 if you cant tolerate her for even an hour then you have issues i think this made me realise that my poor mum really only has me to do the right thing. I think my bro is in denial about her illness and cant handle this. He was always an introvert and cant handle emotions BUT ive told them all that they need to be a bit patient with her now and not snapping at her for very little reason. anyone here will know how hard it is to keep your kool but when we snap its usually with good reason exhaustion for one.

I want my mum near me as if she goes into NH here then ill be too far away and i want to see here everyday im the only daughter she has in ireland that cares my other sister who lives only 2hrs away hasnt even rang me when i sent her an email about mums diagnosis. am so angry with her how can you not care?? shes our mother and did what she could to bring us up alone how can you turn your back on her now when she needs us the most. Selfish siblings i will never understand?

My other brother and sister abroad have agreed that mum either moves with me or NH I am not giving up my life to live in a one horse town with no social life.
My mums geriatrician has asked my mum to move into NH permanently she laughed she said no way to be honest I dont think the professionals cant decide for us its all down to family when this happens.

I really have to think of my life ive done this for four years had a SHIT time trying to get mums diagnosis on my own with no help from anyone except the internet and this site and I was right she has what i kept telling everyone i want some happiness in my life.
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Sometimes, I think you really miss the point.
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Jessie B.... we live in Ireland not USA, you can google to your hearts content, there is NO concept of assisted living, independent living in Ireland. The world is large and you have no idea what it is like here in another country.
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