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Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy again without this feeling of shadow over me. Always knowing that whatever happiness or ease I find in my life that I'll always feel guilty for it because my mother is suffering and will be until she passes which could easily be over a decade from now. Every now and then I will happen to have a good day or even good news and it's almost inevitable that my mother promptly has a crisis or some new misery to ruin it.

It almost feels like my life is already stolen, not really mine anymore and I'm long-distance from her for now but that is soon to change. I'm finding it harder to manage things from a distance, so one way or another she will be local but I plan to never live with her or I'd go crazy. Maybe I'd feel different if we'd had a good relationship up until now but we definitely did not. No matter how many services I arrange or how many professionals I put between me and her, I'll never be free of the responsibility unless I leave her to the state but the guilt would kill me.

How do the rest of you manage? Are you able to maintain any real happiness in the face of all this endless illness and decline?

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Madcap, yes, you are that strong. You made it until now, haven't you? That takes strength. It takes uber strength to keep going when you feel like breaking.

You misunderstood what I was saying. I didn't say call someone to help YOU. I meant call 911 and have them come and get your MOTHER....then refuse to pick her up. You can do that. I did that the last 3 months of my mom's life. I had been caring for her for over 10 years, almost 12. Not only my health, but my mind, was in a black pit. I truly feared keeling over before my mom did. And that was that. When I called 911 and they threatened to send my mom back to me that same night, I threatened to kill her or myself. I made myself out to be a full blown lunatic, yelling at that medic, making threats, you name it. I told them they could throw me in a nice, quiet jail cell and I didn't give a damn. It was better than dealing with the alternative, my mom's end stage, out of control behavior because of alz around the clock. No more. I couldn't do it another minute. Long story short, the state found a nice facility for my mom. She was around pro's around the clock, clean, fed, bathed, and all around taken care of well. And the load was off me. Thank you, God.

As for 'meaning' in this life...well, honestly, I'm not sure there's much meaning to any one individuals life unless they're Mother Teresa or Ghandi, but I do have wishes for my life and my wishes are simple.

I wake up and enjoy a hot cup of coffee, gazing out over the lake behind my house. It's quiet. I'm content.

A drive to Myrtle beach this summer for a day or two to simply listen to the waves at 5 a.m and midnight. Just to walk alone on the beach in solitude. I'm content.

A day, a week, a month, without intense fighting and arguing...I'm content. I'm happy.

My boys, who are no more perfect than I am, around me. I'm content. I'm not always thrilled with them, but they're my son's and I love them.

Putting up bird feeders in spring and planting some new flowers. The fairy garden in a big pot I have in mind makes me happy. I'm looking forward to it. I'm content.

To me, my 'meaning' in life, my job in this life, is to find one thing. Peace. In all the little, tiny ways I can. And maybe to bring some of that to others by helping them grow bigger balls when it comes to abusers. lol

We aren't going to change this world. But we can find peace and can be content in our little corner of it.

You can see a doctor...look around for a good one you click with...who WILL help you get your emotions and mental issues under control. Before you give up, do that.

A lot of us deal with some insane emotions and issues. You're part of our crowd and we're part of yours. You aren't alone. At all. And when things get really tough, you come here and tell us. We will be your net that stops you falling too far. *squish!*
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StandingAlone,
Thank you for your answer, I admire the way you coped with an awful situation as well and for as long as you did. I believe I am not that strong. I understand your concern, and do appreciate it.
Intellectually I know you are right about reaching out for help, but I am past caring. Last time I was at the hospital for the bipolar issue I was strapped down and forced to stay that way for waaaaaay too long. I have absolutely no interest in repeating anything along those lines and refuse to call anyone...even if I wanted to...which, obviously, I don't.
Please don't be concerned, either I live or I die, I don't think it matters, really...I have searched for many years for meaning in this life and have found no point in it.
Caregiving has not created these issues, but definitely exacerbates it.
But it doesn't matter, really.
Thanks again, though. I'm glad you have found some peace.
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When I feel the dark clouds gather, I go to my happy place. I tell myself I am at the Outer Banks in NC. My toes are in the sand. I hear the ocean waves soft and rhythmic, birds calling in the distance. A soft breeze and warm sun. Dolphins leaping. Kites flying. Children laughing...
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As a man thinketh so is He....a very meaningful and often misunderstood phrase. With that said...I do agree with many above...YES you can find happiness! I am only 60, married my wife 20 years ago this May, 12 years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the last 3 years she has required 24/7 assistance. She is in Severe stage now...stage 6 of 7, but still knows me and I have been told because of her great health otherwise...she could live quite awhile longer. Therefore I feel Happiness and look for it where ever I can, even when it is not around us too often...but when it is...I remember to embrace it fully, for if only a fleeting moment. You see the phrase above is so true...if will only see unhappiness around us, that it what we will begin to only see or feel...we must then strive to see even the little moment of own happiness and to make the most of them. I do this by remembering each day, especially when days are not that full of happiness, this little phrase: "In 60 seconds I can change my attitude and in that 60 seconds I can change my whole day!" Sounds pretty simple but it is not, it takes a great mindset change, but it can happen. So...I do just that. I stop, I pray, I bow down before my God and give thanks for this time of Happiness...and I ask for His guidance and in that 60 seconds my day has changed. He reminds me in that 60 seconds to look to all the good times we have had and the little moments we still have...to cherish it all, for life is very precious and so short to not let the sun shine in, to push out the darkness and absorb the light! With that all said, I will pray for you...that God will be near and with you and help you find that happiness as He has me!
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I can say these things for certain now that my time as a caregiver is done and I've had some time to reflect and recover.

I do not regret caregiving at all. I cared for an aunt who took me in, along with my grandmother, when every other person in my family, including my mom and dad, decided it was not their problem that there was a hungry, cold kid that needed a home.

I regret how I handled many situations, and specifically, I regret not saying no more often. I let myself be manipulated and controlled. Although, near the end, I finally opened my eyes and stopped letting her push my buttons, if I had stood up for myself sooner, I would have ended up much healthier and happier when it was all said and done.

I will never, NEVER care for anyone like that again, with the exception of my wife. She is younger and more healthy than I am, so I expect she won't need someone to care for her.

I will never ask someone to take care of me if it means they cannot work or leave me alone. It's not fair to them, and professionals usually do a better job than 1 person who is on the verge of exhaustion and a nervous breakdown lol.
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My husband made a very good point not too long ago. He said, "you do realize that if your mom wasn't living with us you'd never hear from her." When she had her own home and then when she lived with my sibling I didn't hear from her unless I called. Does this make it hard to be happy and be a caregiver? Sometimes it does. I love my mom and mom loves me but It's sad that she doesn't get it. I'll be curious to see how often I hear from her once she's in assisted living......... :p
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There are some people on here who feel it necessary to put those of us who tell the raw, unvarnished truth down and I try not to do that in return. When I hear that caregiving is just temporary, I want to remind all of us that WE are just TEMPORARY. There is no guarantee you will get any time left to live your own life after giving all to your caregiving recipient. Good luck everyone. This is a very hard row to hoe.
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I agree with you Karousel.... We are not here to judge anyone but to support eachother.
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I wish I'd been given a choice but when all my siblings live out of state and the one that lives here refuses to help there is no "choice" about the caregiving. My choice comes in how I handle it and how I do or do not let it impact my life.
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Fedup, you are right about making a choice to be a caregiver. It is not something that everyone is able to do, mentally or physically etc. It's a very demanding role that someone takes on. Sometimes I think it happens so slowly you never see it coming until it's too late and you are in it too deep. I know that I am fighting tooth and nail to keep my mother in the nursing home, because I simply can't take it anymore, between her and my father I have just about ended it all more than once, literally. Depending on the person and what they are individually capable of doing is what that person should do. God knows all. God didn't make this mess here on earth, but He cares very much even if it doesn't appear that way giving the horrible things that happen.
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I think caregiving should be a choice made on rational reasons and genuine love for a parent who needs it, not guilted into by biblical quotes that had no basis in our present reality when assisted living facilities and outside nursing care are somewhat available. To be clobbered over the head by religion? Let us PREY.
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The money for mom's care comes from the proceeds of when I sold her house. Without that I'd have to ask the state for assistance for respite care. I'm also not shy about asking members of my mothers church to stop by for visits and to lend a hand when they are there.
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sebring, it's all temporary. Everything is, so try to take some comfort in knowing this situation WILL eventually change for you.
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worst mistake of my life. moving back here, at his begging, to help him. worst mistake ever. i beyond hate it here
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I think you can.... I think some people are happy being caregivers, but I think a great deal of that happiness depends on the personality of the person you are giving care to.
If you are caring for someone who needs physical help but is a gem to talk to, who shows appreciation, who shows care for your feelings and needs, then yes.
If you are caring for someone with dementia or Alzheimers who may not be able to show those feelings to you, it is still possible if they are basically a "happy go lucky" type...
But if you are caring for a person who's clingy, selfish, cannot see your needs, is unappreciative and "expects" you to be there to the point where you can't even get a job for yourself to make money for your future; someone who - while you love them at heart dearly - doesn't understand you, nor care to understand you or your needs, I would say no... at least not in my case.
I carry a lot of guilt and I feel cornered because I am in a NO WIN situation.
If she lives another 10 years, the money in the inheritance will be completely swallowed up with assisted living or memory care. Since I don't work outside the home, I will be destitute because I can't get a job (because mom refuses any other care besides me and will not even make a friend...)
If she dies in the next couple of years, I will feel like a horrible orphan; a terrible daughter, I will be more financially stable but will always feel that guilt and loneliness for her.
Their good qualities come out stronger with dementia, as do their bad.
My mom has both... she is a joy and laughs sometimes and we genuinely have fun out together, but when it's bad; it's bad... clingy, desperate, tries to put a lot of guilt on (like the catholic guilt thing; lol we are catholics) and the passive aggressive stuff....
It's hard when they refuse to better their own lives... my mother has dementia but it's just entering the moderate stage; she could make friends at Senior Center but refuses, her voice rising, stating...., "But I have you!!"
So it depends on who you are taking care of.
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Madcap, I have no clue what your situation with your mom really is, but you're on a dangerous path. I was there myself. There were days when I was within a hair of just wanting to end it all. I woke up every single morning after a decade of care giving feeling nothing but this intense sense of doom and dread at the thought of what I'd have to face yet again, with absolutely nothing to look forward to but another day of drudgery and depression. The care giver role ground me to dust. It didn't just affect me mentally, it affected me physically. My blood pressure was so high I was having vision problems, heart palpitations, racing heart and the shakes from extreme anxiety. My doc said I was on my way to a stroke.

Towards the end of my mom's life she became almost impossible to deal with. I had no clue what to do with her anymore. She couldn't stand or walk. She couldn't communicate her needs anymore. I felt so damn sorry for her, but at the same time I hated the thought of yet another day dealing with it all. I know it was very frustrating for her not to be able to be mobile, or to communicate and I had all the sympathy in the world for her but it didn't make it any easier to handle. My mom would cry and scream and shriek out of frustration, literally around the clock sometimes. This went on for months. Finally, after 3-4 days of almost non stop screaming at the top of her lungs like she was being tortured, I'd had it. I was shaking so bad and my chest hurt so bad I feared I would drop dead before she did. I called 911, told them something was very wrong with my mom, told them I couldn't handle it, told them to come get her. The medic said they'd release her back to me that night if they couldn't find a physical problem. I told the medics and the cop....the dispatcher heard my mom's shrieking in the background and probably thought someone was killing her so they sent the police, too...that if they tried to release her back to me I'd kill her or myself. I told them in no uncertain terms that I would not EVER assume responsibility for her again. They tried to pressure me into bringing her back home but I refused. I 'abandoned' her to the state. It put the responsibility of placing her in a facility, which I couldn't do myself for lack of POA, on the state. Which they did. Thank God. I still saw her all the time, still visited on a regular basis, but it wasn't 24/7 anymore. I went as far as I could go. I wish I could have kept her with me till the end, I really do, but I just couldn't do it anymore. 10 years of me was enough.

Before you harm yourself or your mental state degenerates any further, you call 911 and do what I did. And lose the guilt. Nobody should be brought down as far as you are now. I feel you. I was there. It ain't pretty. Do what you have to to save your own ass. You can only go so far for another. Everyone has limits. You're at yours. *hugs*
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My situation is not near as bad as some others ( and not near as bad as I anticipate is will be soon) but it is still difficult. Tough on my marriage, hubby and I rarely have the opportunity to just be 'us'. Actually, rarely is wrong. The correct term would be NEVER.
In addition, I have bipolar which is never completely controlled, even without the extra stress that comes from caregiving.
Mood swings are awful, I have to try to hide them from my mom and my husband, I have no friends, and no opportunities to make any...even if I had the opportunities or the desire...I am always soooo tired...
Oh, did I mention I am also going through menopause?
Mostly, I wish I could lay down for a loooong nap and never ever wake up. I very often think of making that happen, to just check out. I was disappointed (truly) that my recent pap test showed no cancer. I just want to be gone, and don't care how it happens. I think I won't last much longer and I just don't even care.
The day will come when the scales tip just enough that I will end it myself, and I feel fine about that.
Everyone in my life will be just fine, and my pain will be gone.
When I think about it, it seems the perfect solution...on many days, at least.
I'm just so so sooooo tired.

.
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You guys are awesome! I am quite overwhelmed with all the responses and am encouraged and learning from each one. When my brain gets back in gear I'll attempt some responses. HUGS!
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Too funny Standing, As I was reading that (and I'm a pretty good Christian) I was thinking the same thing. After yesterday's fiasco, I'm polite,helpful and the subservant daughter but, God forgive me, my middle finger, after I'm out of the room, is my realese. I have a little survalince camera I watch so I don't have to run up there all the time. Sometimes I speak my mind to it and her poor dog thinks I'm talking to her. I do apoligize , to the dog....lol Writing on this site makes me happy. Thanks to all, for your input.
For peace, when I find myself at 'MAX' I say the Hail Mary, it always helps, me.
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Wakefield, no doubt about all you said. That doesn't mean we're always joyful about it.

And God will forgive me for all the times I went outside and dropped F bombs to release my stress because of the care giver role he saw fit to trust me with.
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Caregiving does not need to be looked at as something we get “stuck with” or merely a duty or an obligation we have to fulfill. Caregiving can be welcomed into our hearts as a ministry given to us by the Lord.

It may be a hidden ministry that goes unrecognized by many, but it is a ministry that is seen by the Lord and one that pleases Him. In its simplest form, Jesus recognized its value and importance when He said, “Whoever helps one of these little ones because they are my followers will truly get his reward. He will get his reward even if he only gave my follower a cup of cold water.” Matthew 10:42 ICB

In Matthew 25, Jesus brings to us the value and ministry of caregiving when He said, “I was sick and you visited Me with help and ministering care…then the just and upright will answer Him, Lord, when did we see You hungry and gave You food, or thirsty and gave You something to drink… and when did we see You sick…And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least [in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me.”

Jesus is completely identified with His children. No one can touch God’s people in any way, whether for good or for harm, without touching Him. An example of this is found in the life of the Apostle Paul. On the way to the city of Damascus, when Saul (Paul) was making war on those who were “followers of the Way” he had a direct encounter with the living Jesus. That day, Jesus said to him, “Saul, why are you persecuting me?” Saul discovered that when he persecuted those who were following Jesus, he was also persecuting Jesus. From that day on, Saul became the man who ministered to Jesus by touching the lives of multitudes for their good and for God’s glory.

As a caregiver,

God will use your hands as an extension of His hands—to hold, to support, to embrace, to comfort, to bless, to help, to heal;

God will use your words— to encourage, to build up, to speak hope, to convey truth, to strengthen faith, to deepen trust, to impart love;

God will use your presence— to show care, to bring companionship, to wipe a tear, to sooth a pain, to dispel a fear, to rub a brow, to kiss a check, to hold a hand, to fluff a pillow, to reassure when there’s a setback, to celebrate when progress is made.

As God’s servants, the ministry of caregiving means that whatever it is we do to help another, even if it means the simple act of giving a glass of water to one of His children, the Lord receives it as a ministry done unto Him.

How blessed you are to be able to touch others for good and to minister unto the Lord in a way that makes His heart glad.
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My answer was aimed at all the biblical beliefs that we should take care of the elderly, including those like my MIL who have NEVER taken care of me and never accepted me into her family in the first place. I felt no connection to her. Nor did she ever have the right to beat the hell out of me like she did whenever no one was looking. God had nothing to do with that situation. I'm glad she's dead and I hated every moment of living with her. I had no safe haven either.
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Karousel thats my problem ive put her first and neglect my own health and needs!!!
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Karousel thankyou for your words of wncouragement. You nailed it on target!!! How do you pay for all those who help you personal assistants etc?
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My situation is similar; a mother who needs care but who could have cared less when I was a child. Needless to say we did not have a good relationship. I have four siblings and none of them are willing or able to help. As much as I struggle with the feelings that caring for my mother means the loss of my freedom I also have lots of resentment towards the rest of the family for not being supportive or helpful. Since I can't change them I changed me.

I tell myself frequently that I'm only one person and I'll do what I can for her to the best of my ability and that's good enough.

I remind myself that God instructed me to honor my father and mother and that caring for her in her old age is a way I can do that.

I keep in mind Matthew "that whatsoever you do to the least of my brethern you do to me" and I just keep plugging along.

While I resent that my siblings don't help they don't interfer either.

Since it is all up to me I've hired help (housekeeping, personal assistants) to deal with those issues that take up the greatest amount of my time on a routine basis.

I ask myself what it is that God wants me to learn from this situation.

I take time to put myself first.

I seek contentment rather than happiness.

I tell myself that this too shall pass.

I keep my sense of humor with me at all time.
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Sunnydreams, I could have written that first paragraph. My mother decided to move in with me 17 years ago and she has had declining mental health for the past 6 years. It has been an unutterably sad and destructive experience. Now that the docs have put her on Depakote for her belligerence and anger and combativeness (after she got physical with me) I finally have gotten it that I know she loves me she has a hard time showing love and I might be too needy but I can't help it I need a "thank you" or "I love you" every now and then. I now know that is not possible, she is who she is and she has been very mean to me but that's the way it is. I can say at least she did a good job raising me because no matter my own self-doubt my precious husband convinced me finally that I have much worth and I am a good person and my mom does not and probably never did appreciate me. I wish I had read these types of blogs sooner, I would have had an easier time dealing with everything. Although my situation is very tough, I see stories of others who have it much worse. My mom finally is not mentally astute enough to know I am hiring a caregiver twice a week to give me a break and am paying it out of her funds, which is what they are for - to take care of her. I can no longer be here 24/7, 7 days a week, only 5 days a week now. I used to use those days to do errands, buy groceries, and other "duties" but now I realize I need a day to JUST RELAX! So, that is what I am going to do. I am going to have a date with my husband and go to a movie. He will be so happy. Thanks to this blog I will not continue to feel guilty for any happiness that I have. I have gotten much insight from every single response I read. Thanks to all of you.
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Jenz, if your mother is getting rent money along with her SS and doesn't pay you anything, isn't her claiming it fraudulent? I should write down the numbers in black and white and ask her how she explains them.
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Thankyou standing alone!!! Everyones situation is different!!!
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Yeah, well, Fedup, sometimes God can only sees fit to supply us with endurance, not safe havens.
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I was my mom's care giver 24/7 for the last 6-7 years. Before that I was still her care taker but at least I worked and got away half the day... The only person happy in an up close and personal caretaker role around the clock is either a masochist or Mother Theresa.
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