My mom has recently been diagnosed with "moderate to severe" dementia, a diagnosis she does not accept. She has taken no responsibility for her own well-being for over two years now. I manage her medicine, bills and have financial and medical POA. I have found house keeping help and people to drive her on errands, she turns all of them away. My adult drug addict brother lives with her and takes full advantage of the situation, without lifting a finger to help her clean or even take out the garbage. I need to get her somewhere safe, away from the chaos of her current living arrangements. I have spoken with lawyers, and need to pursue a contested guardianship. Does anyone know if I can legally use my mom's funds to do this? I can't afford the 6k legal fee to get this up and running. Thanks for any insight that can be provided.
We consulted with Mom's attorney who set up the POA who told us about the guardianship/conservatorship, but said if we could avoid that option, we should. So we held off. Just a couple of weeks later, it had gotten to the point where we knew we had to go through with it, as she had kicked my sister out of the house and was threatening caregivers with knives and scissors. Mom had called her lawyer to complain that we were trying to move her against her will, so he referred us to another lawyer to prevent him having a conflict of interest.
We had to pay the retainer up front from our own funds, but then if we won the case, we would be able to pay all fees from Mom's estate, including paying ourselves back for the retainer, but just FYI, that takes a LONG time. We did an "emergency" hearing, which meant that we could move quickly because Mom was a danger to herself and others, but it only gave us a temporary status. We had to go back to court to get the permanent status.
Things to keep in mind:
1. We had a lawyer, Mom had a lawyer, and there was a third lawyer, an attorney ad litem, which is an attorney for the court, essentially there as an independent investigator looking out for Mom's best interests (I believe part of this is Iowa's strict laws to protect the elderly).
2. Mom had to be served with the paperwork and had the right to be at the hearing.
3. The judge ruled that she would have to move into AL, BUT we still weren't allowed to physically move her without her consent - we tricked her to get her there and that was acceptable, but if she had refused to go in the car with me, we would have had to involve the police, taking her to the hospital for a psych evaluation and then they could transport her directly to the AL. This is the type of thing where I don't know how your brother living in the house already will complicate things.
4. Before the permanent hearing, we had to formally notify our brother of our petition through the lawyer. He had a right to contest us (and did). Our lawyer told us not to worry about him; he didn't have a lawyer as he couldn't afford one and was likely high on the stand, so really hung himself. Having a record didn't help him. We still can't prevent him from visiting her and he occasionally tries to take her out of the facility, but at least he can't swindle any money out of her. We changed the locks at the house the first day we moved her out, so now, even if he had a key before, he would have to break in and we could call the police.
5. There is a TON of paperwork. It isn't just the hearing, but with the control, there is an annual guardian report (medical) and annual conservator report (financial). We have to account for every penny we spend from her estate and everything must be in her best interests. There are no gifts/donations anymore. We have to get court approval to sell her house or for any major life change - even moving her to the more secure memory care area of the same AL she is in now.
It's tough, but the legal protection is good.
Our POA docs were drafted by an elder law attorney, and the attorney I have been speaking with about guardianship is from the same office and specializes in these issues. I probably need to pay for a couple hours of his time ($325/hr!!) to find out if there are other options via the POA. This is so maddening in its complexity.
My mom is declining rapidly, but can appear very lucid to those who don't interact with her frequently. I do have a concern that the courts will side with her. I have been gathering photos of her living conditions and have neuropsych documentation stating she should not be living alone. I believe her primary care doctor will support that as well.
I have no other siblings. My mom's siblings are supportive, but all out of state. My mom and I have always been extremely close, but all of this has changed that dramatically. I am exhausted from doing battle with my mom and brother on a daily basis in an effort to protect her. This of course is not how I envisioned my mom's later years. And it breaks my heart that she is missing out on so much due to her stubborness and poor choices. Her dementia will continue to progress rapidly as long as she is surrounded by chaos.
On the flip side, I am blessed with an incredibly supportive husband and kids who bring me a lot of joy. I know I am fortunate in that regard, since so many are dealing with the stress of aging elders AND stress at home.
I really feel for and empathize with everyone on this forum. None of us planned to be here.
But here's my best guess: if guardianship is necessary to protect your mother's wellbeing because you cannot take the steps you need to take relying only on your existing powers of attorney, then yes you can use her funds to make the application: you would be pursuing this course solely for her benefit, in her best interests, to protect her from harm.
Run this argument past the lawyers you plan to hire, and ask if there is a risk you could be left facing costs.
But what do you need to do as her guardian that you are unable to do with your POA? And what is your mother's current mental status, legally speaking? Does she or does she not have mental capacity?
Also, you say "contested guardianship." Who's going to be the other contestant? Your mother? Your brother? Both?
I think in some cases, this one included, litigation involving an addicted sibling and a mother in denial might exacerbate the situation, especially if the mother tolerates the son's presence.
If your brother were evicted, how do you think your mother would react? Would she turn against you? Has anyone addressed the possibility of her denial b/c of the diagnosis?
Over time I've found that confronting someone with a negative diagnosis can sometimes be worse than just not mentioning the issue. Your mother needs help, but is it necessary to address her dementia? At this point in my life, I'd say no...but address her behavior, health and other issues that can affect her daily life.
Good luck, and please let us know how you proceed.
For other reasons, main one being Mom finally decided to give us financial & medical POA, we decided not to go that route. I have not read all the responses, Have you contacted APS? You can make an anonymous complaint that a drug addicted family member causing your Mom (with dementia) distress & they will investigate her situation.
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