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I am 61, female, & live with my very fragile 89 yr. old Mom. All other close family members are deceased including my father (her husband of 65+ yrs), my older brother & only sibling, Mom’s friends & relatives, Dad’s only siblings, and my sweet husband who unfortunately passed 19 yrs ago at the age of 45.


The point I’m trying to make is I have been alone for many years and I’m used to handling things on my own (I don’t like it, but that’s just the way my life has turned out). My Mom is definitely fading & there are mornings I’m not even sure she’ll wake up. However, luckily she has no serious health issues, yet.


Being children of the Great Depression, my parents rarely ever got rid of anything and the house is jam packed with stuff. Mom & I get along for the most part, and I handle almost of her needs. The only touchy subject we do not agree on is all the clutter, mess, and junk in disrepair that has accumulated in the house. Even though my parents collected and saved all kinds of stuff, there is really very little of any true value here.


My biggest fear has always been that by the time she passes & I’m able to live my life again, I’ll be too old to enjoy it - as I’m sure many others can relate to as well. I do have degenerative arthritis & other physical problems which limit my mobility, and the thought of cleaning out everything in this house is going to be a nightmare.


I cannot stand clutter and have been quietly trying to “clean up” stuff whenever possible but it’s a slow, difficult, frustrating process. Mom absolutely will not budge when it comes to cleaning out things from the past that are no longer useful. I’ve had friends & relatives actually tell her that certain pieces of furniture, etc. should probably go to the curb, but nothing seems to persuade her. It’s embarrassing and depressing to live in a house where every room is outdated and filled with clutter, but Mom refuses to part with a thing.


How have AC readers dealt with this type of situation in the past? Mom is hardly a wealthy woman and whatever small amount of cash we could get is desperately needed. I am losing my mind & definitely my patience waiting for her permission to purge; I am anxious to begin tossing stuff out.


Any ideas or advice? I’m sick of being buried with old stuff that generally has no significance to me whatsoever.


-I’m Up To My Armpits!!

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When did you move in with her?
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Forget the purging. It’s not going to work. She’ll just replace everything with MORE STUFF. I would love to see the statistics on how many HOARDERS have actually gone through therapy, been helped, and completely cleaned out there house and never cluttered ever again. I would say it happens almost never. Maybe 1 percent.

My mother was 96 and lived alone till she passed away last year. She never threw anything out. She died October 31 2020 and I still have umpteen Kleenex boxes, umpteen paper towels and umpteen toilet paper. She hoarded so much of it that I brought all that back to my house when she passed. 6 months later and I haven’t run out of any of it yet.

When she passed we rented 2 huge dumpsters, 50 contractor garbage bags that got thrown out. The furniture we donated.

My advice is find a facility for your mother or you move out and have hired help for your mom. She could easily live another 10 years.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2021
"...6 months later and I haven’t run out of any of it yet."

Aluminum foil, tweezers, plastic wrap and various other items, plus the crap OB brought here - 2.5 years since the condo sale, some stuff arrived sooner, as it took me 1.75 years to get it ready for sale!

Haven't gotten through all the crap he brought here when she passed and they boxed up everything - we weren't allowed in - and of course where did it all go? My place. I finally started going through the stuff and not only is there now more clothing, etc to deal with, I believe I've also "inherited" other peoples' clothing, towels and even stretch undies (This is something my mother NEVER wore and she was in disposable briefs over 2 years! We took away all underwear at that time and replaced them with briefs. Those stretchy undies were in her drawers then too, but I KNOW she never wore those, only cotton.) I know the towels are not hers, wrong colors, only one each color/style, no matching hand towels or wash clothes, clothing that would NOT ever fit my mother, etc. That is about the only complaint I had about the place. I was assured multiple times that each residents' laundry is done separately, and I call BS on that.
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I’m not sure from your post if your mother really is a hoarder, or just has a lot of ‘stuff’ that she is attached to. Hoarding is a health hazard, ‘stuff’ may not be valuable but is a treasure house of memories from an earlier life.

If it’s ‘stuff’, one suggestion would be to ask your mother to talk with you about each item – where she got it, what her memories of it are etc. Take notes, write it all down. Doing that will help validate her memories of the past, and it’s possible that you may even both enjoy it. In the process, she may be willing to decide that some things don’t matter to her any more, and that may help you both to agree what to do with them now. It should definitely help you to get rid of the stacks of washed plastic bags, like my mother left me! And it will be a very useful step for the inevitable time when you do have to sort and dispose of it all.

You may find that some things that you don’t think have any value, are old enough to have some historic value that someone on Ebay would like. A bit of history, dates, where it was made, often increase the value. Things like old kitchen mincers, out-dated lengths of printed fabric, little stools full of shoe polish brushes, now sell for useful money – it may not all have to get left on the curb or go to an OpShop. Once you have a list, it’s much easier to get someone knowledgeable to check it with you.

At least it’s a way to approach the mess that shouldn’t make mother feel that her whole life is valueless and is going to be thrown away. She might even get interested in who and why someone else might love it! I bought an Ebay persian rug from someone who said his downsizing mother was really pleased to think that I thought it was beautiful. Do it gradually, bit by bit! I’ve cleaned out 5 houses now, and you have my deep sympathy about what you are faced with. Yours, Margaret
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cweissp Apr 2021
Such an insightful answer. Something you and I find valueless may hold such memories for the mother. I can't add anything else.
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Frankly, you're living in her house, not the other way around, and I don't really think it's your place to purge her things. If the house was full of cats and old tuna cans, that'd be one thing, but from the sound of it, it isn't -- it's just full of "stuff" and you don't like it.

I get it -- my parents' house is stuffed to the gills with stuff as well. My poor dad finally realized what a task they were going to leave for me, and he started trying to get rid of things, but every single item had to find a home and couldn't go to the Salvation Army. It frustrated him to such an extent that I finally just said, "Dad, I'll take care of it when you'll no longer care." That gave him a lot of peace.

He's been gone for 2 1/2 years, and my mother has been in a memory care that long as well, and I've only just started on the garage. I did go through 22 cardboard boxes of my dad's kitchen table piles of paperwork right after he died, but that's it. I have a house full of 100-year-old antiques to purge in an era where where Mid-Century Modern is the antique of choice. I'm letting the estate sale people deal with it.

If you can bear it, I suggest waiting until Mom goes, having an estate sale, then discarding what's left. People will buy anything, all the way down to a half-empty bottle of shampoo, so the less you purge just for the sake of getting rid of it, the better. You never know what will generate a little cash.
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I agree with Margaret that she doesn't sound like a hoarder. Doesn't sound like she's going out and buying a bunch of stuff at garage sales. My 2 very elder Aunt's cramped home in FL is full of knick knacks. Whenever anyone suggested they declutter or downsize (making their maneuvering with walkers and wheelchairs easier), they freaked out. I think this reaction is also due to what "decluttering and downsizing" actually represents: the beginning of "the exit". But trying to keep a clean house and making it senior-safe was a challenge. I started by removing 1 item at a time and waiting to see if they even noticed it was removed (and kept in a storage tub in case I needed to bring it back in). I kept doing this. I certainly had no intention of getting rid of all their beloved things, just enough to make cleaning less onerous. This way if they asked about them I could honestly tell them it was in storage for safekeeping while I cleaned their house and I could show them the tub. They are 99 and 101 and no, neither of them ever noticed anything was moved. Since I grew up with them I knew all the stories behind every knick-knack.

So since it is also your home, I think you have a right to not live in distressing surroundings. Maybe start by removing non-sentimental items, like old/unused clothing, bedding, old magazines, duplicates of items, broken things, etc? I would not spend emotional energy on discussing the removal of non-sentimental, non-essential items. Perhaps you can tell her that her doctor has ordered you to make the house safer for her by "temporarily" removing some furniture. Can you stage some of the items into your garage bay until you decide what to do with it? Or tell her the shabby furniture is "going out for repair" (or cleaning)? I do agree with spending time talking over some of her more cherished or mysterious possessions. I hope you can make some progress!
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disgustedtoo Apr 2021
A little at a time, in passing, stored unless obviously trash or broken, just in case and if nothing is said after a week or 2, ditch it!
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Compulsive hoarding - A persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them. This sounds like your mom.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2021
While it could be considered, perhaps, borderline hoarding, I think the real difference is that hoarders will keep just about anything, including trash. She sounds more like what we have in my family - pack rats.

"A pack rat will clutter up their home or apartment with a lot of stuff, but when pressed for a reason, they'll insist they may have a use for it somewhere or at some time. A hoarder simply absorbs anything and everything without any definitive purpose for the largest percentage of the stuff they acquire."

This may be splitting hairs, but I consider myself part of the rat pack... I do hang onto some things that might be "useful" at some point and it HAD helped a few times. I don't keep what would be considered trash, except long enough until I get to the recycle center.

If she were in the habit of picking up more items at yard sales all the time, sure, But if the stuff, esp furniture, has just been sitting there for years, she's more likely just a pack rat.
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As to worrying about the future, there are few things that cannot be hired out. I would have it cleared and let those clearing it save what they can for free and junk the rest. May cost a bit; well worth it.
As to living in this mess, I think I would not. If your parent needs 24/7 care then it may require placement in a facility. I would not live in a mess to care for parents; fact is I could not do live in care, but to put up with living in a mess on top of that is far far too much. You have problems of your own, and this should be a time in your life when you can still get around, when you can do things you enjoy and be surrounded by things you enjoy.
The choice is yours. Your Mom is in a different time in her life. She is facing down loss after loss after loss and doesn't want to give up more. You may need to make it clear her choices--in facility care or a complete cleanout of the living quarters.
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I’d stop talking with your mother about it since it’s upsetting to her. Everytime I went to my dad’s home I got one grocery bag and filled it, out of his sight, with obvious junk that no one would miss. I didn’t touch anything that could be of value. But I always filled a bag, mostly burned candle, worn through pot holder, thousands of return address labels, etc. It made me feel I was helping, and in the end when I had to clean out the house for sale, it had helped, just a bag at a time.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2021
Exactly! A little here, a little there, when they're not looking, and obviously of little or no value, pitch it! It took me about 1.75 YEARS to clear out my mother's condo (includes cleaning and some repairs.) I didn't live there and live about 1.5 hours each way, so it was a slow process. Having cats to care for, I couldn't just go stay there for a week now and again to speed things up. In her case, it was mostly just stuff, not piles of junk laying around, but it was many years worth of stuff! I'm still miffed at one brother who "helped" by bringing boxes of stuff I would consider junk to my place the few times he "helped"!

Added to that stuff I now need to go through (I planned to do my own purging once the house I'm in got repairs/renovations needed) is all the things that came from mom's MC space - included in that is a lot of items that were never hers! We weren't allowed in to pack, so I'm seeing clothing that wasn't hers and wouldn't even fit her, plus random towels, stretchy undies that were NOT hers, etc. MORE crap for me to deal with!!!
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I’ve been reading the ‘hoarding’ posts, and just wanted to add a bit of personal experience. My mother and my first MIL in particular, had a real range of bits and pieces, and someone could easily think that they were of no value. My mother had two framed silhouettes from her mother’s mother, made 19thC pre-photography, a few curios from NZ travels in1948, a couple of carved things she bought in the Tyrol of southern Germany just after WWII when my father was stationed there and the locals were making things to sell to the occasional visitor rather than for the mass tourist trade. My MIL inherited many 19thC odds and ends from an elderly great-aunt who had been in service in the Duke of Devonshire’s London house, where they gave old odd things to the servants – I still use her bone-handled carving fork. MIL had inherited a London bobby’s truncheon, which she kept it under her pillow in bed, for fear of burglars. I discovered that the end was filled with lead and they were real weapons!

None of the family were wealthy and there weren’t many of these odds and ends, but they had ‘treasures’ from many lives and many years, tucked away in packages taking up cupboard space. And of course there were also the cupboards of rubbish like my mother’s washed plastic bags. It would be a pity to assume that it’s all rubbish to be cleared out in a skip!
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My YS amd YB 'cleaned' mom's small, very hoarded and dirty apartment a few weeks ago. It lasted about a week and suddenly there began to creep into her place a few new knick-knacks and, well, junk.

It's discouraging, and all I can do is take out the trash once in a while.

Truthfully? When she dies we sibs will meet together, spend 1-2 days cleaning out EVERYTHING and dividing up what's useful and what's not. Not one of us kids is sentimental over 'stuff' so I think it will be pretty easy. Right now we just want her to have a safe walking path--that is about the only thing we can accomplish.
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I can empathize with your situation. My husband turned our garage into a "Man Cave", and we have a 2000 sq ft shop, where he did his woodworking and carving. Anytime anyone wanted to get rid of something, he took it. The garage has old office cubicles set up in it. The file cabinets are full of receipts and manuals for tools and electronics we no longer have. The ping-pong table in the Man Cave is stacked with more receipts and manuals that he is "working on filing". He's been working on filing the stuff for 6 years.
The shop is full of cut off scraps of wood that we are saving because we can use them as 1) paint stir sticks, and 2) glue blocks. He has not been down to the shop to work in over 4 years.
At one point, when he was in the hospital, I called a junk removal company and got rid of half a truck full of trash.
I try to get rid of stuff, but I am so overwhelmed I just turn around and go back into the house.
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MaryKathleen Apr 2021
I have the same problem. One thing that I think about (It isn't actually worry) is what tools go with what. For example, his metal lathe. Which file thingies and screw driver looking thingies go to that lathe or to the wood lathe. He doesn't keep anything together like I do.
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This will be our challenge with my father in law when it comes to clearing out his house. A close friend of mine had to do this for her parents house. She said her parents were hoarders. I also need to do the same for my house as well. we don't want to leave our kids with a junky mess. That being said my friend told me just do " one drawer at a time" that is how she did it. The comment below about "one bag at a time is the same concept. Also there are companies that actually do clearing out of parents homes. Check with your local senior center.
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Sort out the "important things:" paperwork, valuables... Keep them is a secure location. After mom passes, contact one of those companies that will pay to take away all the rest (they sell this in their secondhand stores). They take most of what needs to go and you get a little cash.
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Based on your profile, it sounds like your mother may be suffering from dementia just from her refusal to shower alone, never mind the rest of the symptoms. I suggest you get her to the doctor for a cognitive evaluation so you'll know what you're REALLY dealing with here. Then you can decide what to do with YOUR life moving forward. Because if she does have cognitive impairment, she will be impossible to argue with ...its her way or the highway.

When the time comes to do a house clean out, don't assume there's nothing of value in your mothers home because it's cluttered with old stuff. Your folks have been collecting for years, admittedly, meaning they may have had a good eye and plenty of valuables in ephemera alone, as others have said. I sell on eBay and go junking 2x a week. You would be shocked to know what I find in little old ladies houses "packed with junk".....they're my favorites. Just recently I bought 6 paper Parents Magazine, Baby Care Manuals from the 50s, and Baby's Record Books that were handed out in the late 50s by dairy companies for free. I paid a quarter apiece for them and they sell for upwards of $20 apiece. That's one tiny example I can give you of something one might consider trash that could fetch you $120. In reality, people collect all sorts of crazy odd things others think off as garbage, and I sell on eBay! Before you do anything, get a knowledgeable estate sale appraiser who offers online AUCTIONS into mom's house to look over the place. That person can sell her stuff on an online auction for A LOT of money on Long Island where you live. Go to Auctionninja.com and look for companies in your area.

Here's a link: https://www.auctionninja.com/marketplace?city=Bethpage&state=New+York&miles=10&onlinesale=y

You want online auctions because they ship and reach a very large audience of bored people sitting around starting bidding wars on their laptops in Covid times! 😁

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with all that's on your plate.
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Riverdale Apr 2021
I think we all wished we lived near you.
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My husband and I are both only children and had mothers who had too much stuff. I also cannot stand clutter. The fact that you are now doing this is a positive step. Don't expect any reasoning from your mother. If you can continue even if at a snails pace consider yourself to be somewhat fortunate.

The reality is that larger items such as furniture you might have no desire for in your future should just be left alone for the present. If she will notice its absence just leave it alone. Those items are actually easier to get rid of as they are single pieces. It's all the other stuff that can drive one nuts.

We would find a lovely wedding certificate from 1930 stuffed in a chest with old socks. Clothes that had mildew. Old books that were falling apart. Countless correspondence in no order,some of which was interesting, alot that wasn't. There was also so much more in a miscellaneous category. My point is to continue to tackle that which she may not remember . Purging some of it will give you hopefully some relief. Depending on how long she lives or can remember anything there may be more you can get rid of. My advice is not to expect any cooperation and find the countless little things to continue to get rid of.

It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out my mother's one bedroom apartment. Part of that was due to having to travel nearly an hour away back and forth to that apartment from our home. We had to feed a meter and run downstairs to not get a parking ticket. I know we got at least one anyway. My late MIL'S house was 6 hours away from where we lived. Alot of that was brought to our home to then sort out. We knew in both cases there would be no sense of reality as to what was worth keeping. We did keep worthwhile items while also throwing out alot. It was up to us to determine the worth which was mainly if we had any interest in it.

It can be an exhausting task. The process is emotionally draining and one finds oneself getting angry that this has been put upon us. Those are normal sentiments. I hope you can continue as I mentioned and know so many of us have experienced this seemingly thankless task. Hopefully you might find along the way something of value you desire but that likely will be the exception and not the norm. Wishing you the strength and energy you need along the way.
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As some noted, try to siphon out clearly obvious junk, broken items, old newspapers or magazines, random paperwork that isn't needed, left over soap, half melted candles, damaged clothing, linens, etc when she isn't looking. A little here and there will help cut down what you'll need to do later. I wouldn't worry about furniture so much, unless it is making navigation difficult. You can always hire someone to remove the furniture. Larger items in the open will have to wait as they would be more likely missed if they suddenly disappeared. A drawer here and there, a closet now and then. Generally it is easy to distinguish a memento from random stuff kept for some unknown reason.

If there is any truly broken furniture, you could pretend to take it to get an estimate for "repairs" and give her some ridiculously large quote. Then mention they will take it for free vs having to pay to have it hauled away... Maybe?
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Could you approach her with an organizing project? Ask her what she wants done with everything when she eventually passes? I'd suggest stressing that YOU aren't as young as you used to be, and you'd like to save your back and brain from sorting in ten years. Maybe if she has to find people besides you to give her junk to, she'llstart to recognize it as actual junk. Or you can wait until she needs to move into assisted living...
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PeeWee57 Apr 2021
Great minds think alike. I was writing my response while you posted yours! 😊
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My heart goes out to you. It is an enormous responsibility to take on the care of someone. The burden only increases when you are saddled with pounds and pounds of “things” - all weighing you down. My initial thoughts are...if you are legally in charge of all of her affairs, hire this out and do it now. Either get rid of all of it or put it all in storage until she passes. It will make you feel like all the weight of those things has been lifted off your shoulders. She may live another 5 or 6 years meanwhile your own health could decline. Do this now while you have the energy to deal with it. Wish you all the best and always remember to take care of yourself ❤️.
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Lots of good advice here, to which I can't really add much, but here goes...

Do you think your mom would even consider a "reorganization" based on mutual safety and mobility issues? Is there one room in the house that you could use as a storage space? You can tactfully suggest to her that she shouldn't worry, you won't be getting rid of anything per se, just making it easier and safer to move around the house - and if she agrees, you can start boxing things up and placing the boxes neatly in another room. Be sure to label them so that if she goes in to check on things, she'll know what's where, but discreetly put a unique mark on each one that tells YOU that it's stuff that can be simply thrown out after she passes away. (Hopefully she won't start going through them to make sure you haven't thrown away a cherished item behind her back.)

I don't know that she'll go for an idea like that, but it may help. The elderly hang onto things for a lot of reasons - the comfort of seeing long-familiar items from the past, that Depression-era mentality of never letting anything go to waste, a feeling of permanence in a world that's constantly changing. It's difficult for them to give things up, especially when the only other thing they have is memories of their parents, spouses and other children who have long since passed on.

An important thing to remember is that though you're sick of being buried with old stuff that generally has no significance to YOU, it may be of great significance to HER. You don't want to hurt her, or make her feel that her feelings are of no consequence. The older and more frail our elders become, the more "useless" they feel, and that leads to depression and sadness.

If your mom still refuses to do anything about anything, my advice is to get along the best you can in this environment, provided that it's merely inconvenient or irritating as opposed to actually dangerous. You're living in HER house, after all. While you've lived alone (and on your own terms) for quite some time, you can't always have it your own way under someone else's roof, even if you're taking care of their daily needs.
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Two approaches. Have her delegate to whom she’d like various objects to go—grandchildren, shelters... then act on it

Have an intermediary help you—if you attend a church, perhaps the minister could help her be charitable.
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During the week, start throwing the smaller items away in the garbage can..

Every other week is Heavy Trash, so start setting out one or two large items every other week.

Of course start with the rooms she doesn't go in to every day.

Haging things disappear slowly she may not even notice.
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There are people w ho will come into your home and will help you downsize.and they don't mess around. They will counsel your mother. You all make decisions to throw away, sell and keep. Or you can take one room a day and separate and once you have that done you can have an auction. The problem is that some of this stuff is do old .aybe if in good condition can be sold but if not taken care of will be garbage.
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I’m really sorry to read about your situation. I had the same with my sister. She was 56 at the time her husband passed suddenly. I realize she is a lot younger than your mom, but the situation wasn’t dissimilar
My sister was in I’ll health with extremely limited mobility with a house cluttered in every single room. Her husband was definitely a hoarder and to a smaller extent so was she. Due to her sadness of losing her husband so suddenly, she was reluctant to part with ANYTHING they had together. It was a very very hard road but she and I started with small stuff (like going thru the oodles of Tupperware). We went piece by piece (keep, donate (to a good cause (e.g. Veterans)), sell (at a yard sale), toss. She made every decision. I helped nudge her for a reason for each decision. After we went thru the very large pile, she said she felt better (I know it was because she saw progress AND made the decisions- she just needed help getting there). After that, about a week later we went thru her pantry. We left enuf time between so she didn’t feel overwhelmed.

it is such a slow process but nudging them with options (that you present but she decides) and inching toward progress may help mom feel more in control and likely to want to do more.
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My dad is 98 and my mom passed last August. I have slowly over the year been going through the house removing items. I started with drawers, under beds, and closets. Then I moved to items in rooms my dad does not go in. I first checked the will and gave the recipients, the items willed to them. All items of value I placed on the dinning room table. As family stopped by I had them look at what they wanted. I have taken several van or truck loads of items to Goodwill & Salvation Army. My mom alone had 4 closets full of clothes. Each day I spend a few hours scanning the millions (yes millions) of photos I found around the house in drawers, boxes, bins. The bins once I filled them stack 3 feet tall. I am talking large bins. I am probably close to 80% done. I am going under furniture now, couches round table cloth covered end tables. I kept one set of china, 1 set everyday dishes. A few casserole dishes and fry pans. It has been hard, I cried a lot when no one was around. I cried that I was just giving away all of moms pride possessions. I cried that she did not purge and left me feeling like I was giving her life away. Luckily my children want a lot of the furniture once my dad passes. My mom had great taste in quality well built furniture. My advice start slowly, a few hours a day ( I have psoriatic arthritis) Go in areas she no longer goes in. Best of luck.
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Live247 Apr 2021
Your emotional response sounds very much what I experienced when time came to move mom into assisted living. Every thing in her condo was always "precious" and had a long story attached to it. She kept good care of everything (so I thought at the time) and all my life these things were imbued with supreme value. Then, when time came to actually empty the condo, a few important things passed down through the family were falling apart from neglect. What got me the most, emotionally, which you said quite well, was that I felt like I was throwing away or giving away her life. The burden was almost unbearable and I could not begin the task. But one day, driven from some powerful internal source, I leapt up from my chair, grabbed an armload of the pristine 1969 edition of gold gilded edged Encyclopedia Brittanica from her massive bookcase and tossed thenm in the dumpster. My mother was so proud of that encyclopedia set, and it was displayed prominently for 50 years. In her area, NO organization wanted any encyclopedia and specifically listed them as unwanted items. Nevertheless, it broke me to toss them. It felt like a violation of my mother's life, her being and all stuff she held in value. And the day Salvation Army came to haul off her furniture (I was unable to sell it) was truly a devastating moment for me - it was part of my history, too, all my life as far back as I can remember and my mother telling me how valuable it was. It isn't valuable if no one wants it, not even for free, and it's become just stuff. I took pictures as the service men loaded it in their truck and mingled it with other tables and chairs already in the truck. So is the dispensation of things...into the truck it goes. Hugs to you and all of us here who are dealing with our parents' stuff. I still have some stuff in a storage unit, so I am not yet done with it.
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Never mind; I just read the excellent comments. There should be an answer for you there. But the consensus is that relief for everyone is on the other side of the hill.
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Mom loved her things. She had a huge family, lots of travel and friends and the family house of 50 years of precious items. I didn’t touch them when she was alive — just as I don’t like it when people go through my things.

Now that she’s gone I’m realizing that much of the junk were treasures- not just to her but to me. I’m so glad I didn’t force her to throw them away. They would have hurt her immensely.

I have chosen to do most of this myself - with a few drop ins by helpful relatives. It hasn’t been bad at all.

I started by sorting:
things that clearly have an owner
precious memorabilia
valuable items
keep
donate
trash.

After she is gone—-

The easy answer is pay to have someone do it all. Everything could be packed and hauled out quickly.

The inexpensive answer is sort it yourself (and you can pay to have the lifting and removing done, if needed).

The things you don’t want can be carried away by family members purchasers from an auction or tag sale.

it isn’t as bad as you think it will be. It is a sentimental journey I am glad I didn’t pass up.

Don’t pester her and take away her special treasures while she is still breathing.
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elaine1962 Apr 2021
AMEN!!!
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Yes I understand. My mother's basement is full and she says "when i die you will have a job to clean that all out". Absolutely no value to any of it.
Do you have a room just for you that at least can be without her stuff and clutter?
Maybe buy her some pretty boxes with lids ( cover boxes in sticky shelf paper is cheaper) and say mom lets put things in there and then the boxes will be pretty
to set out. Label boxes to relatives and friends and have her sort into each box to leave for them ( they can just be pitched hen she is gone- at least they are in tubs or boxes to lift and throw.
Once my mother is gone- our community has a free wall on Facebook. I will post it and say some for it ( they pick up ) . Check into dumpster service also . See if boy scouts or a club can come to help empty.
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BeachWish Apr 2021
Dear DJ
Your box theory is great
Stuff stays clean ,,,it gets marked so you fool yourself someone will actually take it.,,,,who knows ,maybe they will salvage what they like.........and its all ready to go

Priceless 💡

Thank you
Little old me .,,,,still going 💪
But I must get working
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I have an issue with The Great Depression being used as an excuse for hoarding. I know many 80-100 year people and only one hoarder, by Dad age 92. I am in my 50's and a traumatic experience 7 years ago brought out hoarding tendencies in me too. I am working hard to nip it in the bud.

I found out last spring that one of his friends and neighbours was also a hoarder and they fed each others behaviours. Heck a year after the neighbour's death I am still trying to have one of his cars removed from our property.

Hoarding is a mental illness. I certainly had a bit more compassion for Dad when trauma triggered it in me, but I also took serious steps to get help. Therapy to deal with the trauma and hired a woman who has become a friend to sort and toss.

One thing I did with Dad a couple years ago. I went through a kitchen cabinet and tossed everything that was more than 2 years past its best before date. That took several hours. Dad sat and watched me and I had to use clear plastic garbage bags.

Since then I have without his knowledge tossed old medication, vitamins and supplements. The oldest I found had a best before date of 1998. but the penicillan was probably 60 years old. No date, hand written label in a small box.

Dad is worried about safety and I was able to take down curtains where the lining was completely shredded, when I told Dad I was worried he would trip on them. They were at the French Doors to the deck and truly were a tripping hazard.
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PeeWee57 Apr 2021
While the Great Depression isn't an excuse for hoarding (or simply having clutter - there's a difference), it can certainly be a reason. It depends on the individual's experience. Some areas, and some families, were hit harder than others.

In my mother's case, she was born in the worst year of the Depression (1932) and lived in Chicago. Her father died when she was four years old, and her mother went to work as a "janitress" (my Grandma's word) on the graveyard shift in a large office building downtown. Grandma would make dinner for the four children before she left for work, but when the kids got home from school, the older children would devour the meal. My mother would be left with nothing to eat, and often had to be satisfied with a crust of bread that she would rub in the fat that was left in the frying pan. There was little money for coal to heat the house, and she shivered through the long Chicago winters. She wore threadbare hand-me-downs and ill-fitting castoff shoes. And the worst blow was when her beloved little brother died of diphtheria.

So in my mind, it's no wonder that Mama held onto many things that no one else could possibly find a use for. She was never a hoarder in the strict sense of the word, but everything she did keep had a purpose.
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Does your mom have a good memory? If so, I would "catalog" the items. Ask her the story behind each. What does it represent? It might not mean much to her right now but its familiarity, or it could have some value, like a family heirloom. You will collect some interesting stories of a time gone by which may be more important than the actual item which you can donate or throw out later. Tape the little history to the back or underside of the item. I have two ceramic pieces that were expertly painted by my great grandmother and a soup pail that my grandmother used as a child in Italy. Had dad not left an explanations, I might not have realized their significance. The key is to do this gradually for your sake as well as hers. In the meantime, if you can't stand clutter, make sure your room is your sanctuary of empty surfaces and neatness. I have been in your position. I have donated some things to the local historical society, yard saled some items, photographed items for appraisal, donated to Salvation Army, donated books to the local library and schools, put some into a consignment shop, put some things in a swap room at the local transfer station, and thrown some things out. My parents also had a tremendous amount of paper (old statements, bills, medical transcripts, and every user manual to every appliance they ever owned). I found that harder to deal with as I decided to take the painstaking approach of going through piece by piece. I found some things of value tucked into folders that looked like junk. If there is a chance that your mom may need a nursing home stay, do keep in mind what might work in a small shared room there. I discovered that a shelf unit and a lamp that looked like nothing was absolutely perfect for mom's room in long-term care. Also, chairs with sturdy arms are helpful for people who are in decline. I placed one by the front door, one in the kitchen, and one in the bedroom. Much of today's furniture is too large to work like these. Telling her that her furniture "should go to the curb" doesn't build trust. She needs to know that you respect her stuff or she won't let go of anything. When all is said and done, it's her home and her furniture.
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BeachWish Apr 2021
I like your name Lynina,I am Linda,
I keep too much stuff,but over the years I have learned to purge..,.somewhat..,,
I read carefully your advice,,,,eye opening and helpful.
Thank you
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I think you should tell your mom that you live here, too. And that you would like to buy some new furniture and have a nice place to have company.

Start small, with a bathroom, and make it your own. Any clutter or mess of hers goes into a different room. Don’t ask, just do it. When you have a nice room , show it to her. Tell her how good it makes you feel. After you complete your nice room, begin the rest of the house :

Items in disrepair need to go in the garbage. Start with something clearly, obviously broken, and not decorative (a vacuum cleaner, or toaster). Tell her (don’t ask) you’re going to throw it out because it’s cluttering up her life, and yours. Then do it. Try to get rid of something every day, even if it’s an old envelope. Don’t toss sentimental letters, but do toss old utility bills, tax files, bank statements. Some may need to be shredded. Begin with items that are Easy, no decision necessary, and remember how good your one beautiful, clean, uncluttered room feels.

My husband is a hoarder, as bad as you see on TV. He can’t help himself, but I can. Think of it that way—it is up to you to give your mom a nice place to live out her last years. And you and she deserve that. YOU can create it .

Offer to create a beautiful, uncluttered room for her, too!

”One in, one out” is a rule for life. If a new magazine arrives, an old one gets pitched. Every time. If magazines aren’t being read, discontinue the subscription. Don’t ask, just notice. If she loves her National Geographics, and reads them, don’t touch them. Choose something Easy. When you are more comfortable with the process and decisions, you will know what to do with the more difficult clutter items.

As your mom’s caretaker, you are responsible for her welfare, and also your own. You both deserve a nice place to live. She can’t do it, but you can. Do it for her and for you.

Good luck, take charge a little at a time. One small space first, a bathroom or a corner, a cleared off couch, etc.
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elaine1962 Apr 2021
Your husband is a hoarder like the ones on tv? How do you live with him? Just throw out everything he owns? And he’s Ok with that? He’s OK with his wife THROWING EVERYTHING OUT????
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