Follow
Share

Trouble is she died 2 years ago. My dad passed in 2014. These family, her 2 daughters and their 6 children were locked out from their home the day of my dad's passing. This brother was gatekeeper and locked everyone out the second my dad passed in 2014. To my knowledge, no one every got to step foot on their property again without invite. None came. This was on acreage her children and grandchildren grew up visiting and recreational playing on their whole lives prior to my father's death. Brother inherited everything lock stock and barrel with a last-minute will change barely a month before Dad died (dad only lived 2-3 months after he was diagnosed) that wasn't approved till after dad had passed. Mom went quick also 5 years later. Brother left mom in the morgue and said she would stay there unless the grands footed the bill to get her out and cremated. He claimed he had no money for it. Yet, within months he bought an expensive zero turn mower. No one was offered but 1 or two small things and they were expected to pay for them. It was horrific. Do not ask if we helped care for our parents as everyone stepped up, offered everything they had, time and money. Brother got nervous dad might spill info, drugged him up and ran everyone off, pdq. He died within days... Excluded from mom till she passed 5 years later... Details are horrifying, but parents did nothing and was told if they are ok with it authorities would do nothing, and they thought the sun rose and a halo hung on my brother. I was going through a bad divorce and helping grandbabies be born and showed up every day for my dad who only lasted a month after his stage 4 diagnoisis and was banned after they did the fast will change... and wasn't there they day dad died. I still cry over losing my parents daily, and the way family members were treated still. Mixed feelings and do not know if I can be anywhere near my brother as it makes me sick to my stomach, but I never got a chance to tell dad good bye and have yet to see his grave that is on the property, as everyone was locked out. Funny, cause mom and dad never kept anyone away and everyone knew where the key to the house was their whole lives, till brother got in charge. He lived on their property free almost his whole life. Thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.

Why not make a place that you can celebrate your parents free of your brother’s toxicity?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am so sorry what you have gone through and are still going through.

Ok, so now I've read the others' responses and I am definitely with those who say forget the brother. Delete him from your mind and your life. Go on with your life with those who mean something to you, and let all those who don't be erased from your thoughts. Life is too short to continually be questioning yourself and lose any sleep over. Go forward with as many happy thoughts and experiences as you can and keep only those in your life who fit into that plan.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You don't need to deal with your brother again, but you do need to deal with your emotions and thoughts/memories. Please consider some counselling - check local churches for inexpensive counsellors - to grieve and get to a place of peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Unless you are wanting to have it out with your brother, I see no reason to go. Your parents are in heaven. Going to a property that your brother now owns is not going to give you closure, but it will stir everything up again.

If it will make you feel better, have your own little memorial service for your parents...invite your children and grandchildren. Make a photo board and let everyone share their fond memories of your parents. That should help you with closure.

Walk away from the brother and don't look back.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
AlvaDeer May 2022
I so agree. The poet, author, undertaker Thomas Lynch observed:
"...here is the central fact of my business--that there is nothing, once you are dead, that can be done to you, or for you, or with you or about you that will do you any good or any harm....."
I hope that our OP does just exactly what makes for the most self-comfort now.
(4)
Report
Why go? Your parents are not there. Yes, there ashes are there but they are not. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sounds like brother is feeling guilty…. Or he’s looking for something. Is he charging “ admission?” He’s a greedy guy who does not deserve to have company on that property EVER. I would not attend. I would go sit under a shady tree by the ocean or lake and meditate and talk to your parents. I’m sorry you are going thru this. Greed is a nasty sin. Hugs to you 💜💜💐
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm wondering why any of you would want to attend? Your brother clearly wants to control all of you by adding insult to injury. Someone that toxic thrives on making people miserable. As the others have suggested arrange to meet at a neutral venue with your siblings, a place of tranquility and beauty and invite him. One of you take control for a change and see his reaction! Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Katefalc May 2022
Why even invite HiM…. He was uncaring to all of them
(2)
Report
nothingspecial: Sorry for your loss.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

YOU get to make the decision that is right for YOU.
Others can make the decision that is right for them.
There is no right or wrong. (my mediation mind part says that but if this were my family I might feel differently)
Funerals, Memorials are for the family and loved ones left not for the dead.
Some people need to have a physical, emotional outlet others process internally.
If there are family members that you WANT to get together with then do so. It does not have to be a Memorial or anything other than a few family members gathering.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Personally, if this had been done to me, i would NOT go back. He locked you out when you REALLY needed to be there. It's now been a while and you've had time to adjust somewhat to the loss of your parents in your own way. I smell a skunk in why he now wants a get together. If you go back, you are allowing yourself to fall into whatever trap he might have set for you and others. What I would do is pick a spot to visit whenever you feel like being close to mom and dad. A place off their property that they enjoyed being at in whatever capacity. Make that your go to place. A place where brother is never allowed because you've never told him where it is. Perhaps a place you can picnic? Sit by a river and drop flowers into the water? A place on a beach that you can sit? A place in the woods where birds chirp and sing and the trees talk their language? You pick your spot and leave all that other crap in the past. You might need to get some counseling. You have allowed yourself to dig a rabbit hole that is a bit hard for you to climb out of. If you can't afford counseling, some good self help books might go a long way into erasing this sibling from your life. Block his number, ignore him at all costs. Stop ripping that bandaid off the wound. You need to heal. I would try taking all this old pent up, pissed off, hurtful feelings and mentally lock them in a box with an imaginary lock. Lock them away and never open that lock. It's the kind that you can store away old trash without opening the box. He's not worth your time. You need to move on. If others choose to attend, make it clear you do not want to know what went on. He got what he wanted and he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Perhaps you and your family can choose a place of your own to celebrate your parents life. Make that your go to place and don't tell brother and no one show up at his party but himself. . That way, again whatever trap he is trying to set he has trapped only himself. You've discarded him and kicked him but to the curb and down to the sewer... right where he belongs! Grow a back bone and be strong. Make this happen for you. If others want to join you, be their strength. If not, do it for yourself. You deserve it. You can do this. I know you can !! Good luck and be strong. Please let us know about your progress, because we do care!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

So sorry!
A sociopath and a narcissist will hold out a carrot to bring people back in, under their control.

That is a pretty big carrot, with nothing but pain for you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Why not gather all the 'excluded' siblings and families and have a little reunion? To say goodbye, you don't have to be standing at the foot of the grave. An annual event might help to keep what remains of the siblings who were treated poorly by brother as an intact unit. If you start a function like this now, you may be able to create an ongoing event for cousins and other relatives to carry on for years to come.

Ask those who attend to do a reading, if they would like. Or, write their thoughts on a paper and toss into a bonfire - perhaps words that you might say to brother. Write them, burn them, and move on with an activity in the future that can bring joy to your hearts.

It appears the wounds still exist from what brother did. He made decision to exclude everyone from himself and the parents. If you can go to the burial spots, go. If you can't, then just decline and tell him that locking the gates 'unwelcomed' you then and still hurts to this day. You will say goodbye in your own way. Some of the other sibs may be more forgiving and decide to go - let them with your best wishes and no negativity. Everyone has to do it in their own way.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This is a genuine emotionally disturbing experience that you like to re-run in you mind. It's become a kind of obessive need to excessively massage a damaged part of you that's trying to heal if you'd just stop picking at, (thinking of), it.

It's done. Nothing will change. Bury it. Enjoy the memories.
This guy sounds like a monster. It's an established fact. From the day you were all no longer permitted to set foot on your parents property this episode was closed.

You want to talk to your parents? Go to any park, or stand by an open window during a beautiful sunset, or sit in your favorite chair with your hand on their photo and talk. You don't need a piece of dirt or land to stare at, or to stand by to feel that connection. I use a candle, sometimes I'm washing my hair.

Yes, it would be nice to have that sense of GOING to a PLACE reminiscent to making the effort of Going to their Home to see them. It's a special effort, and the need to honor them through a sanctified act of visiting that particular gravesite is especially meaningful because of the memories and history but you can't believe that they are stuck under earth. This sounds cliche and trite but beside being wherever they have moved on to, they are in you.

Getting back to your a**h*** brother - you're not going to resolve the unresolvable. IT'S DONE. But the question is why in the world would you want to have anything to do with this piece of evil cr*p? What is the addiction? You with a bad divorce, exhausted probably mentally and physically with grandbabies (grandbabies, wow, how terrific is that?).

Sidebar - Crying over the loss of your parents daily? Daily? Kindly, this is not why your crying. And omg, Mixed Feelings? You're hopping angry, hurt and downright p'd-off. Okay, that's a mix. At least you didn't say conflicting feelings, but if you set foot on HIS (stolen from you) property, then you meant conflicting. Argggh.

My experience is not exactly the same but my brother changed the will too two months before my dad died, (mom had already passed), etc, etc, etc. I was 100% steamed by the betrayal. A couple of years later he emailed me saying he still loved me. I didn't even tell him to stick it. I had no trouble exorcising him from my life. He's a stranger. I accept that even raised under the same roof he's his own person, as low down as that is. We're not on the same wave length, and I don't waste one micro atom of energy on him.

Don't marinate, don't marinate in this sludgy stink, unless you really, really deep down inside enjoy it. There are folks who have no joy except repeatly picking at scabs, popping pimples, and other myopic endeavors.

Please stand your ground of self respect. You don't have to be sick to your stomach. You have great memories. Mommy's and Daddy's are not forever, neither are their things and YOU are in charge of your happiness. Heartache is cr*p but it makes you wiser and a better person for someone else.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I’m kinda in your same situation. My dad passed Nov 2021. My mom is still at the house but has dementia and maguligererantiin in her eyes. I had no idea until my mom and dads fall in March 2021 that my sister and her husband got dopa and within 2 weeks of dad’s passing my sister had her at the lawyer writing up the will. Which mom doesn’t really even know what is in it. She didn’t even know my dad sister and brother in law are her poa. Totally pissed off because my brother in law is poa. When dad was alive she kept telling me not to let any of my family go to the house or nh. Now she says mom doesn’t want me in her house alone. Then 2 weeks after the funeral she had my mom move the key that had been in the same place for years. In addition since dad passed she hasn’t wanted anything to do with my mom. My brother didn’t come to my dads funeral because a few years ago she called him and told him she was going to take his land that my parents gave him and it is his inheritance. He did come to place my dad was laid to rest. Now me and sister aren’t talking because mom got mad at my sister and took her off her bk accounts and put my brother on and now I’m pod on all the accounts and of course my sister is executor. It’s terrible to say but if my mom doesn’t make the changes she needs to then me and my brother won’t be at her funeral. I know I have not helped you with your question. I just needed to vent sorry
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

@nothingspecial, I am so sorry for your losses, and the unforgivable way your brother went about alienating the whole family.

I agree with others, that his invitation is very suspicious, but for what reason, only you could speculate.

Whatever you do, do not enter that property alone.

Are other family members going to attend? If so:

- there is better safety in numbers, so maybe you could be surrounded by their love and emotional (and maybe physical) protection if you desperately want to attend

- if someone you trust decides to attend, maybe they could snap a few images or video for you of the grave and surrounding areas, so you could keep those pictures to meditate on while not yourself having to attend

- Check Google Earth satellite view of the property address, or other map address websites including city and county. Our county geological survey overhead maps recently caught me dragging a trash can to the curb in the early morning light, while wearing a flimsy nightgown. I had absolutely no idea at the time and only discovered myself when checking our address for risk of flood when getting flood insurance. Many websites exist now which show actually imagery taken from overhead; maybe you will be able to see the area of the grave from one of those sources. Make sure you set the view to be from overhead rather than street view, unless the grave area might be visible from a publicly accessible street.

- Seeing the serenity of the grave, even if by photograph or satellite view, rather than in person, may prove comforting enough for you.

- I personally believe your beloved parents are with you always, they aren’t gone and inaccessible just because they have passed off this mortal coil before you. They don’t care if you visit a grave, or step foot on the property. They, I am certain, would want you to do what feels right to you, and want you to be comforted and know they love you always. They are pulling for you and cheering you on.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Let it go. I have other choice words that aren’t as nice. He will pay for what he’s done. If he’s not already. He knows what he’s done. And because of that his conscious and the higher power will not let him enjoy it as he could have. Had he done the right thing. I don’t believe in forgiveness. What’s done is done. Live your life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Like others, my gut says this is in no way about your parents. This is about something your brother wants and thus trying to get everyone together to hear it and pressure them over it.

I mean. "Memorial service"? After two years? Come on.

Also, I know this gets a bit squishy, but if you want to say goodbye to your parents and that's making you want to go against what sounds like your better judgment, consider maybe other ways to do that that don't put you in contact with your brother. Is there somewhere out of his control that was special to them that you can go? A park, a vacation spot, a place where they did a favored hobby or volunteered their time? If you can't get there easily, maybe do something in their honor wherever you are? Again, a favorite activity, or helping a favorite cause? You may find that you don't need to be in a specific place to talk to and honor those who have passed.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
BlueRider84 May 2022
“Memorial service? After two years?”
YES!! During the pandemic, I lost both parents within nine months (May 2020 and Feb 2021) ~ fortunately neither died of covid and both were ready to go when they did. We decided to do one combined memorial celebration for both parents last October 2021. That was postponed (not our call) due to covid uptick in our area. So, now, we are having it July 2nd (their wedding anniversary date) ~ two+ years after dad died.
Different strokes for different folks!!
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My take on it is truce: If you want to see the grave, be calm and see the grave.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have to agree, brother wants something. I bet he has run out of money and will try and get it from you.

I would check if the taxes have been paid on the property. Where I live they list the people who have not paid taxes. If there is a tax lien, ask how long will it be before property comes up for Sheriffs sale and then wait for the sale. Maybe you and sisters can buy the property for whats owed on it. Then its a matter of getting brither evicted. Fix the place up enough to sell, sell and hopefully make a nice profit.

Please, please never feel guilty if you can do something like this. Seems brother only worried about himself. And will continue to.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
igloo572 May 2022
Yes and it’s easy courthouse online search to find out if property taxes are delinquent even before that list get published in the daily newspaper ahead of the sale.
In my area the tax sales are end of Summer or week after Labor Day. The last payment are required paid by end of June, except for those that actually are enrolled in Qtrly payment plan.

Tax sale deed redemption in most places are 4 years after 3 sequential years of delinquencies. If he hasn’t paid taxes since the mom died in 2019, this year is his last year to pay all the past due and it’s incredibly hefty interest plus courthouse fees before it moves into anyone being able to pay back taxes and acquire it by full redemption of the 3 tax sale liens in 2023.

it would be sweet if he lost it via tax sale redemption and the family bought it and had him evicted but kept the zero turn.
(0)
Report
I'm another one wondering what he wants out of this - why the change of heart, and why now?
I wouldn't even think of going unless there is a whole group who feel as you do that will be able to band together to resist any unpleasant surprises he may have in store for you all.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
igloo572 May 2022
Yea, My thoughts exactly. I’ll bet a case of Prosecco that he needs a Notice distributed / handed out OR signature(s) needed on something probate.
So dad died 2014, then the mom died in 2019. If the courts in the OP area is at all like mine, well basically the past 2 years have been a wash for the courthouse on doing filings. So everything been pushed forward to this year. There’s something he needs all the heirs to do….
(1)
Report
Dry your eyes... do what you want. Don't let this live rent free in your head anymore after you make your decision. Your brother wants something from you
he has had years to make things right. Do what you want.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Is your dad in that grave or in your heart?

That would decide it for me.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

I mean, brothers whole reason for inviting you is so he’ll feel better that you saw dads grave. If it’s worth going to see the gravesite despite this, then go.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Isthisrealyreal May 2022
Brother could care less if anyone saw dad's grave. It's been 7 years since he was buried.

I bet he is losing the property and wants to try and manipulate everyone into saving the homestead.
(7)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter