Hi all. I hoping to hear your thoughts on this.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We moved to the Texas 2 years ago for his job. He has been let go from his job prior and I asked if he was interested in searching for a job that was in Texas because I had interest in moving there eventually and figured this could be a good opportunity to do so (we were living in the North East US at the time).
Fast forward 2 years here, I purchased a home for us as an investment property but also something for us to live in for a while until we decided to upgrade.
His mother has been showing signs of Alzheimer's and it wasn't until recently he realized how bad it has gotten. He was shielded for the most part by his younger brother and father who currently all live together with his mother.
He now wants to move back (Cali) to be closer to his mother because he doesn't know how much longer he has left with her until she doesn't remember him (how he puts it). This has put a lot of strain in our relationship recently because I dread moving there and really like Texas. I am also tied to this place and can't just sell it as its in the middle of renovations and I'd lose out financially. Houses in California are very expensive. Also I don't know anyone there, and I would be further from my friends and my parents (who live in Florida).
We had talked for a great deal and compromised on moving in 3 years time to California in a somewhat nearby town to his mother (like an hour drive from her) and where homes are still expensive but not outrageous. In the meantime he would go visit as often as he liked. And we could start a family and eventually move there.
Just recently another situation happened with his mom where that compromise essentially went out the window and now he's saying he needs to move as soon as possible. He's also saying he wants to move even closer to her than the reasonable location(s) we discussed prior and these closer locations are very expensive and would be a downgrade in just about every aspect: space, expenses, housing cost, etc. Plus I would have to figure out what to do with my home (and another home I have in North East US).
Im 34, he's 38, I have been with this man for 3 child-bearing years and now I feel like time is against me. I feel like I am really losing out in this situation and he doesn't see how much of a sacrifice it would be to me. I am the type of person that wants to make financially sound decisions and prepare for the worst. He does not have much to his name so he has more freedom to move around and all. We both work remotely.
Any advice on what to do? Is there any hope for us?
In this situation I would encourage my boyfriend to move by his Mom. It is what he wants to do. He will blame himself and you forever if he does not. I would tell him that I will remain finishing my home, our home if he wishes it to be that, and that we will fly back and forth to one another. And our relationship will either survive and thrive and we will learn a lot or it will not (honestly the likeliest outcome).
I think being with a Mom who already has one son and a husband, a mom with Alzheimer's, will pale as a choice quickly. He is now without a job and free to move. Let him. Encourage him.
As far as having a child out of desperation of the clock I think that is ALWAYS A MISTAKE; I have NEVER seen it work any way except as a mistake. There are other ways to be in contact with children, to foster, to work with kids. Clearly having a child wasn't your highest priority other than when the time clock clicked in.
Just my opinion. For myself, whether there was hope for me with this man or not? I would say time will tell. It is my feeling that when we desperately take action to prevent loss, it is almost always a mistake and we KNOW that at the time. I think you already know the answer to this. If you choose to ignore it, that will be a bad thing.
Let him go. You will resent him if you go; he will resent you if you prevent his going. And that is doom.
You're still young enough to start over and have children with someone else. And if you don't find another man to fall in love with, you can have children WITHOUT a man, too. That's always an option. You sound like a very responsible woman who can do anything you want to do, who doesn't need a man for anything. Certainly not one who won't commit to being by your side through thick and thin.
Just my 2 cents on the subject, not knowing all the details, just what you've given us here in your post. Wishing you the best of luck coming to a decision and finding peace with it.
You are asking for outside opinions so I will tell you the feeling I get from your situation as it stands.
It sounds like you and he are on separate pages. If you have to talk him into everything that you desire, you aren’t on the same page.
I am not saying that he has to be a carbon copy of you. Honestly, that can be boring!
I do feel that agreeing on the most important issues matter tremendously.
How does he feel about the things that you most desire in life? Are they number one for him too?
You seem to have plans. You’re building a life. I admire that. What I want you to know is, is he just going along for the ride because it comes with the territory or does he desire these things with all of his heart like you do?
I think that you desire these things with a partner in your life. Am I right? Or are you fine being a single mom? Many women do choose to have children without being married and are perfectly content.
He wants to be close to his mom. Will he have a job in Cali? Will he rent a place or move in mom’s place? Where will you live if you return with him?
You have obligations where you are with the house. Are you willing to sell your home ‘as is’ or possibly rent it out as an option?
Has his brother asked him to return home and he feels pressured? What’s really going on here?
Is he close to mom now? Do they FaceTime so he can see her for himself? Does he speak to his family on the phone? Why did his family feel as if they had to shelter him from the truth?
Do you want to stay in Texas as long as his job is there? You did mention that you like Texas. You can choose to stay in Texas.
You have a lot to think about and and so does your boyfriend. Clear the air now, rather than later.
Best wishes to you and your boyfriend.
Take care.
I guess to clarify, we both work remotely and don't currently have any children together (except a dog, does that count?) so we wouldn't necessarily lose our jobs if we moved.
I guess i would be ok with giving in to some financial burden for a person I see myself with. I do feel he would make a good father and he is a caring person. He said that if the tables were turned he would move closer to my parents if they got sick. But if my parents were to get sick after the fact, it would be difficult for him to move away and we would make arrangements for me to go visit them as often as needed. But that is a what-if situation that we discussed.
Having said that, I just want to make sure that financially we are both ok in the event one of both of us loses a job. And ESPECIALLY when a child is involved. The last thing i want is someone who is dependent on us to have a rocky childhood.
I have worked really hard to be where i am right now especially since i have been burned/taken advantage in the past by men because of my generosity that now im more cautious going into things. I want to have assurance that he's got SOME plan for the both of us. But every time its been "I dont know", or "one step at a time".
If we move, he will have family there, still retain any hobbies he has, and its as if he's sacrificed nothing, whereas im the one that will be doing all the sacrificing. I want to at least be able to have a say in the location, home size, how much he contributes vs how much I would...
EDIT: Yes he facetimes his mom a lot, almost everyday. And he is pretty close to his family. I think his brother has shielded him somewhat of the situation but at the same time he does want him to be aware of his mother's condition. Im not really sure if he's pressuring him to return, that is more on my boyfriends end.
I asked if he was open to couple's counseling to at least get an independent, third party's perspective on things.
His answer was he would go but he doesn't feel it would help with anything.
That’s a great idea about premarital counseling!
Never hurts to have an objective professional therapist to act as a mediator.
Men can be a bit slower than women to agree to counseling or feel as positive about utilizing counseling services.
Sometimes it takes awhile for men to accept that it’s a useful tool either before or during marriage.
Hopefully, he will come around. If not, it’s a shame that there may be a lack of understanding on how therapy works.
There is no point in investing time into a relationship that only one person wishes to explore options.
He sounds like a thoughtful man. Just be sure that he isn’t dragging his feet on moving forward in your lives.
It is nice that he has a good relationship with his family but you are his future.
I know that you naturally want to be first in his life, as you should be if you are planning a future life with him. Yes, especially if children will be in the picture.
Hahaha, thanks for the giggle about your dog. Of course, they count! Fur babies are so special!
Just curious, do you like his family? Do you feel that they would negatively influence him one way or another? Do they have his best interests at heart, as well as yours?
I do like his family. Im not sure what you mean by negatively influence him. I think his brother doesnt really like me so much because we butt heads politically but i dont really interact with him so much.
They do have his best interests at heart. His father says he will support him with whatever decision he makes. In other words, I dont think his father minds too much. His brother on the other hand, i feel like feeds him info.
I personally dont really respect his brother too much since he has never worked a day in his life (he's my age) and he acts as though he is so busy taking care of his parents when in fact ive seen him lounging around and having 3 hour daily, at-home gym sessions (his parents dont need much caring - they are very self sufficient at the moment). But i keep my opinions to myself.
Otherwise, I believe that we all get along just fine :)
The question is are you both going to wait to start a family? Do you want to wait.
(I sure hope you don't start one while this is unsettled. Or most likely you will be raising your child alone)
You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. (It is the heart that gets in the way sometimes) I also hope that if you have purchased this house in Texas yourself that his name is not on the title.
It has been suggested that you go to premarital counseling. That is a GREAT idea and if he does not want to go to me that is 1) a bit of a red flag that he does not take your concerns seriously, or at least as seriously as you do. AND
2) If he does not want to go you should go yourself.
There is always hope Sometimes though the answer is not the one you want so you have to come to grips with that.
I agree with the others that couples counseling would be the smartest step to take. (That, and not calling California "Cali" in case you actually move here -- you'll be shunned otherwise.) I would also suggest you keep your finances very separate until you have an actual marriage or other legal arrangement, so you don't find yourself getting burned by this man the way you say you've been burned before. Your generosity with boyfriends sounds more like less-than-optimal money management the benefits of which are enjoyed by the boyfriends with none of the risk.
Marriage is a legal contract, not merely a "piece of paper" so easily dismissed by the current generation. It's as much for your protection as anything.
Wow, i didnt know calling California its abbreviated way was a bad thing. Good to know :)
--You have your house under renovation that will lose money if sold.
--Houses in CA are extremely expensive compared to TX.
--You will not be able to afford half a home in CA with the same amount of money.
--Taxes in CA are among the highest in the country.
--Financial security is very important. It's the #1 reason that causes couples to break up. So, do not ruin yourself financially. He won't be able (nor willing) to help you.
--His mom is #1 to him, perhaps his dad is #2, his siblings #3, you're #?
--He is 38. He is not in a hurry to get married or have kids. His priority is not your priority.
--His child rearing age continues for another 20-30 years. So, he doesn't need to hurry. He also doesn't mind that you are running out of time to bear children. Your priority is not his priority.
--If he is serious about you, he will return. Do not follow him.
--Right now, he's in shock thinking his mom has months or a few years to live. Since she is still able to recognize him, then she's in the early Alz. stage. She can easily live another 10 years barring any other serious health issues. So, don't make any big financial changes based on his temporary shock. Your financial losses don't affect him, so he has no reason to care.
--Once he recognizes that she's got many more years, he might realize he doesn't need to be by her side for the next decade, then he might decide to go back to TX, and fly to CA to visit his mom every few months.
--While he's gone, you are free to date other people. You have no obligations to him, nor he to you, since you're not married.
--There are 29 millions people in TX. Half of those are men. Among them, you might just find Mr. Right who is ready to make a family. There are many men who are looking for Ms. Right.
It's important to leave your FEELINGS out because they will get in the way of making rational decisions.
Great posting!
Money comes and money goes, but love and faithfulness...
Moving to CA asap seems like an emotional kneejerk reaction to me. Like panic.
He finds his Mom has a life limiting disease. He is facing this news head on (not hiding in denial) & wants to fly to her side to help. That could be called rash or naive - or also maybe heroic? (He's more action-man than planner-man, right?)
Can he go for 2 weeks for starters? Go see with his own eyes what the situation is - go together if possible? Then return & take some time to absorb before making any big decisions.
With a little time he may see that he can't in fact 'fix' Alzheimer's. Will start to accept the dx, start to grieve the Mom he had & learn to let go gradually. Whether he can do this in TX or CA, in time to keep a relationship with you or not will be up to him.
Give him a little time & space.
I'd wait. But not forever.