At what point does a caregiver say enough?

You’ve gone above and beyond for almost a year for a woman whose not even your mom. I would just tell her that you are going home.

I would call the hospice social worker and tell him/her that you will be leaving December 1.

Mil can be admitted to a facility near her home or near yours. Those are the only choices on offer.

First of all your husband would qualify for the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). His job would be obligated by law to allow him to take a certain amount of time off to care for his mother and his job would be safe.

You're not wrong to say enough. No one should expect a DIL to move to another state to take care of their MIL. What about your job? Your family? Your life?

Tell your MIL gently but plainly what your terms are. You will not remain living in her house. So if she wants to remain there she will have to have 24-hour caregivers.

If she wants to be closer to you and her son, she can move into a care facility near to where your home is. Don't move her into your home. That will be a choice you and your husband will regret.

Talk to her and to the hospice people. She has choices but they might not be exactly what she wants and demands.

I beg your pardon. You have been there for how long??!!

Goodness. I order you to go home as soon as humanly possible, and definitely by Black Friday.

Why hasn’t your husband intervened here?

to be honest, this is absolute BS. GO.HOME.

What?! Nine months? It’s beyond
time to leave.

Wow--does your story resonate with ME.

Almost a year ago, MIL had a fall and was in the hospital for several weeks, disoriented and fragile. She recovered and went to rehab.

YS made the 'promise' that her mom would NEVER GO INTO A NURSING HOME OF ANY KIND. (Also promising that her brothers were also 100% on board with that.)(They were not consulted).

She was released to in home Hospice almost 9 months ago. Given maybe 3 weeks.

After kicking out every single CG that came to her, YS was burning up from stress. She begged the brothers to help. Thinking it would be a couple more months, at most, they agreed.

It has been 9+ months of what I would call a never ending kind of hell.

Amazing how well someone who is supposedly at death's door can do when every single need, want or desire is met immediately.

My DH and I talk about traveling, but we can't go anywhere. Because of his mother.

I fully expect her to live another year.

Leave. Just get your ducks in a row and leave.

My DH has the 'power' to have my MIL placed in a NH. He would never, under any circumstances do that. So this is our retirement.

It's a daily battle in my own heart to not grow to hate this woman who is so mean to my DH that he comes home dispirited and depressed. It wasn't enough she abused him when he was a child--she's still at it 70 years later.

Please stand up for yourself. My DH does this out of love for his SISTER, not his mother.

Good Luck.

5 days would have been my limit. (But I am not you & not in your situation).

It is not selfish in my opinion to re-assess the situation. I think it is smart, practical & very necessary.

MIL may wish to stay in her home - that's an understandable thing to want. Hopefully you can discuss this together with honesty. Discuss what is really important now.

- Staying in her home (IF this is possible) eg hiring aides
- Having 24/7 support (facility)
- Or being close with you (in which case she moves with you to your area or home)

MIL's choice may well be as Barb stated: facility nearby or facility near you. I'll add the 3rd option (if you still wish it) home care in YOUR home.

Home care by you in HER home is ending.

You retuning home will be set. Be non-negotioable. It is not within MIL's power to decide.

Nine months was your gift.

Now you can work towards what your 'new gift' is. 💝

Think about what you want to offer. Then offer it.

Set your end date. Stick to it.

I'd be upset too! And what kind of a husband do you have that would allow his wife to be away from him for that long? Like already said he could have(and should have)taken FMLA if he really wanted to, but I guess because you were willing to give up your life so he didn't have to give up his, he was ok with it huh?
It's time to take your life back and tell hubby and your MIL that you're going back home by the end of the month, and that your MIL can be placed in either a hospice facility or skilled nursing facility in her home town or in your home town, but under NO circumstances let her move in with you.
You've already paid your dues, and if hubby wants her in your home you tell him that since it's his mother that he can take FMLA and he can do all the hands on caregiving, since you've done it for the past 9 months.
So put your big girl panties on and tell both hubby and MIL that you've had enough!

Perfectly reasonable request. She can come to your house. Question is, is she strong enough to travel halfway across the country as you describe it?

If she is, then that is the option for her.
If she isn't, give her the date you will be leaving and help her arrange her care options where she is; have hubby come again to help in that arrangement if necessary.

Dislocated, now is the time to hold up the white flag of surrender and say enough. MIL was not expected to survive this long and you need your life back, that's not a selfish thing to want.

Speak to hubby and decide if you both want to take her to your home to pass, or if she'd be better off in managed care at this point.

You've given more than 99% of daughter in laws would have given, so be proud of your selflessness in this situation. Your hubby owes you a debt of gratitude and a nice vacation after this is all behind you.

All the best.

“ At what point does a caregiver say enough ? “ , ASAP. You didn’t sign up for 9 months. You’ve done more than your share. I would add that I would not have her come to your home either . MIL either goes to a facility where she lives or in one near one of her children . That’s between your MIL and her children . You don’t even need to be involved in that decision . The only thing you need to say is you are coming home to your own home and not living with MIL in your home either . I think you’ve done enough . You are not obligated to offer to have MIL come to your home.

It’s way past time for you to return to your own home.

Somehow days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. If you aren’t careful months could end up being a year or more.

What has your husband said about all of this? Does he expect you to continue to stay in his mom’s house until she dies?

Have you told him that you are at the end of your rope? I know that you love your husband but I would be wondering if he cared about how hard this is for you.

You are one person. You cannot continue to do the job of an entire staff. In a facility each person works their shift and then they go home. They don’t spend the night and work 24 hour shifts. They don’t work for weeks and months with no end in sight.

Your mother in law can be cared for in a facility. The only other option is to pay for private caregivers. You will have to hire more than one person to care for her.

What is your mother in law’s financial situation? Can she pay for additional help while you are with her so that you can take a break? You’re running yourself ragged.

Your MIL and your husband have taken advantage of your kindness to stay and help out for awhile. If this had only been a temporary situation like you thought it would be, it wouldn’t have been nearly as hard as what you are going through now.

Research to see if an end of life hospice facility is available in her area, or if she is able to travel and you want her near your home then look there too.

If you can’t find one then other arrangements will have to be made.

I am so sorry that you have endured this much grief.

I hope this situation is resolved soon.

Dear Friend,
As one who didn't say "ENOUGH"
I spent 8 years caring for my mom who was only supposed to live at MOST 15 months due to brain cancer. I had an autistic 10 year old, a full time job and my mom to balance with zero help. I accepted the responsibility begrudgingly, as my mother was an abusive alcoholic so no one in my family wanted to help and she refused long term care. If your in law has their mind or the ability to to refuse LTC or make you feel guilty, then even if you have to leave, In law will eventually realize they need help and hire that care! Individuals save for years only to act as if they NEED it in the afterlife. They can't take it with them in the end. If the in law is not financially set, then allow them to spend down and go on State Medicaid.
I say please, for the love of yourself and your sanity, go home and allow the in law to eventually accept their limitations and enter a care facility. I don't know if your husband is an only child, but I had sisters, aunts and family members who made me feel selfish for the mere mention of putting mom in a facility. So, I kept caring for her, it broke me down in a way no human being should. She refused to get out of bed, take a shower, take meds appropriately, etc. and hospice was VERY little assistance, visiting 1x a week. I cleaned her rear, I cleaned her wounds and did everything just like one would care for an infant child. Sadly, she could do it for herself and refused!! (I call this the "success in failure" mentality)
I urge you to put yourself first! You have already gone over and above. How? Set a date, no negotiations, stick to your principles, as if you are quitting a job, get a plane ticket and go home. If your spouse is mad, then tough!!
This is your in law, not your parent and NOT your responsibility to bear alone! You are being taken advantage of, whether it is intentionally or not. Please save yourself while you can! It WILL get worse and you will be way more resentful that you are now. This, I promise. Good luck my friend. I have been there, it is a lonely feeling. Please do not accept the current situation as the only option. You don't have to and you deserve better!

Hospice does have Volunteers that can stay with mom for a few hours while you get a break. Typically it would be for 3 to 4 hours maximum as the Volunteer can do no "hands on" care.
MIL should pay for caregivers to come in and help out. (please note I said MIL pays..not you or your husband)
You can ask for a Respite break. MIL would be transferred to a Hospice In Patient Unit or other facility that can manage her care. That Respite can be about 1 week.
You can look into Hospice close to you and have mom transferred to another Hospice.

That’s enough. You have been an angel and certainly deserve your life back.

Tell your worthless, deadbeat husband that you're coming home in 2 weeks, with or without a replacement. If he doesn't like it, he can haul his lazy ass to his mommy's place and get busy wiping her butt.

And just how in the hell does someone with 2 weeks to live survive another 9 months? I thought Hospice was supposed to be just pain mediation?

I think you reached that point 8 months ago. Clearly MIL is not dying anytime soon and needs to now be placed in a facility so you can go home and back to your own life. I would advise against moving MIL into your home, then you will still be trapped, just in your own home this time. Move her closer to you both but into a facility so she can get the care she needs.

Selfish is a label that other people put upon us when they want to manipulate us.

You're not selfish at all! You have given up 9 months of your life to take care of this woman. You deserve to be back in your own home and with your husband.

The error in your thinking is that you want to tell MIL that she should come to your house if she wants someone to take care of her. However, if you think that is going to make things easier/happier/better for you, you have another think coming.

If you get her in there, you won't get her out unless it's feet first. Until then (with husband oh-so-busy with his job), you're on the hook. She gets worse, the dog ruins all your carpets, and you still won't be able to get out of the house on your own.

You must find a placement for MIL and get out of Dodge. Don't depend on MIL to help find one. Don't depend on husband because he's probably happy as all get out that you're doing the heavy lifting. Talk with the head honcho at hospice immediately. Ask for options. Don't bother to talk with the aides, because they're not in a position to advise you about policy, logistics, or medical aspects of how MIL has managed to survive this long.

That's what to do about you, MIL, hospice and getting back to your own life. I don't know what you should do about the dog. If you're in Florida, you could drop it off near an alligator pond. Dogs disappear there all the time. I'd suggest a shelter, but they're overloaded and, sadly, no one wants to adopt a non-housebroken surly canine with a bad attitude. Or a mother-in-law with same.

Thanks for the responses. First, there are many other factors involved that precluded hubby from staying. (So no, he is not worthless, nor a deadbeat.) Also hubby was not happy and is not happy that I am here. He will be flying in, and letting his mother know that I am going home and she has to make a decision regarding how and where she lives out the rest of her life. (She is denial that she is dying and thinks she has years left,)
As far as siblings, there are none, nor is there any close family members in the area. If she decides to stay then that is her decision. Is she strong enough to make the trip? I honestly don’t know. The hospice nurses are dumbfounded that she is still alive. To be honest so am I. One hospice nurse called me so we could talk and informed me it would be soon since she was declining fast, that was over a month ago. That was the reason weeks turned into months, she is defying all the norms even while showing the signs that the end is near. Today, she wants to go to the funeral home to make sure all arrangements are made and finalized. Does she finally realize that the end is near? Does she feel that time is catching up and she’s going to die soon? I don’t know, only time will tell. I do know that I’m going home, and she needs to come to terms with her situation and make some hard choices.

I agree with Fawnby. Mom needs to be placed in a NH or Al and have Hospice continue there. Do you know you could have had respite care while there. Mom could have been placed in a NH for 5 days giving you a break. This could have been done more than once.

Why not do that now, get her placed in respite and go home. Then call Hospice and tell them you have chosen not to return so MIL will need to stay in the home under Hospice care. Its not abandonment because she is safe and cared for.

Did your FIL serve in the military? I find that Veterans homes are better because they have more medical assistants to help the nurses on staff and have better care. If he was a veteran than a dd214 form will need to be provided. Can get one at the VA.veterans wives can go into the veterans home as well. Won't cost as much if she has a advantage plan with medicare.

Go home! I wouldn't give two sticks and a penny what people thought when I left to go home. People who push this selfish narrative on the one who is doing the work will keep the caregiver working longer than they need to. This is to take the anxiety off them so they will not have to be bothered with the loved one. Why not sacrifice someone else to do this job, guilt trip them to keep them working for someone and let their life slip by.

Your life is your own. What is wrong with your husband? He could have used the Family Medical Leave Act to get things settled with his mother.

You sound Like a indentured servant . The mother is One thing But a Dog Too ? make a boundary with your Husband " That this is his mother and you are going home and he can take over and make the decision as to what to do with his Mom " I would consider a Skilled nursing Facility close to your home so your Not flying Back and forth . The thing is there is no Crystal ball That tells us the exact time of death and I get the feeling this woman could Live a Lot Longer . It could be she is waiting for her son and Maybe you should leave and let them have their closure . Book your flight home .

Dislocated, I am a little curious to what your Husband thinks about this?

About his Wife being absent so long?

About his Wife providing the hands-on care for his Mother's?

Are there deep cultural, generational or expectations here?

I ask, as these influences may be holding you in place?

Sometimes people write in with a 'caregiving' problem but it is underpinned by other issues. It can also uncover the need for some clearer communication with their spouse. (I may be wrong, but thought I'd ask).

Set up hospice and let them take care of getting the caregivers to come in.

Do you remember how to pack your suitcase, calling a taxi or Uber to the airport?

You could be home by Friday.

Traveling mercies.

Made the move home. MiL came as well. She did everything she could think of to stop and or postpone it. Maybe she thought I would give in and just stay to make her happy. She even made hubby hire a moving company to move some of her furnishings to our home. So now my garage is packed with her stuff and we will have to pay for it to be hauled away when she is gone. I informed her I would not be putting my things in storage so hers could be put in my house. That did not go over well.
She is still as demanding as ever. Hubby sees what she has been pulling and has intervened so her demands has lessened. Hospice in my home state has started working on getting her VA benefits, more to give me respite from being on call 24/7 with hubby doing most of the care when he gets home from work.
Hospice has informed us her tube feedings are no longer being absorbed by her body and to stop the tube feeding. Her liquid intake is less than 16 ounces a day. Her blood pressure is low, with breathlessness occurring whenever she takes a few steps. She is constantly asking for morphine for the pain. Hospice nurse was in yesterday and is returning today. He believes that she is at the end stage now, I will take a wait and see attitude since I was told that almost a year ago.

I do know that I will be starting my dream job at the beginning of the year, and hubby will have to hire someone to come in and care for his mother, since I no longer will be available to do so. It may appear cruel and or selfish, but I am not cutout to be a caregiver, nor do I want to care for a selfish woman who resents me for (making) her move from her home. I am looking into long term care insurance for hubby and I, there is no way I will allow my children to put through caregiving for us at the end of our lives. It is unfair and not right to force your kids to put their lives on hold and become serfs to aging parents.

Any time you want to say that it is enough.

There is no perfect time to say enough is enough.

MiL passed yesterday. She had to be carried to bed 3 days ago and didn’t wake again. I feel sad that she didn’t die in her home like she wanted. However, I am relieved that I am no longer trapped in the role of care giver. Now I can get on with my life and make sure my children are never forced to care for me.

Dislocated, I am sorry for your family's loss.

You stepped up and gave her a huge blessing, it doesn't matter she didn't die in a certain building, it matters that she had you and her son because of your wise decision to go home and bring her along.

May The Lord give you all grieving mercies and peace during this change of life's seasons.

Best of luck and happiness in your dream job!

So sorry for your loss. Know that you did enough. You did it for your DH and I hope he appreciates it. Now, enjoy your Christmas and good luck on your new job.